How long does it really take to get over your OM?

[FlemishSwanSong]

My DDay was on the 15th Oct, we had LC until the 20th Nov, but this contact was cold and formal work emails. Since then full NC.

 

It's hard! I miss him...just talking to him as a friend. So much reminds me of him. I've established new routines around my phone, but can't help hoping when a notification arrives that it could be him (likewise with work emails).

 

I don't believe he will break NC and I know that is best. But how long will it really take to get over him? I still think about him everyday, though not always positively. I'm torn between wishing he was out of my head and wishing he would contact me. Deep down, I know he spun me a line, I thought we had a future (maybe he believed it when he was saying it), but his children, wife and financial commitments were always the biggest concern for him.

[drypuddle]

I don't have any answers for you Flemish but I thought you might feel better if you knew you're not the only one struggling. I had a dream about xMM last night and am being bombarded with memories this morning.

 

It's so hard and it sucks so much, even after realizing he was never going to choose me.

 

Just try to remember that there will be good days and bad days. Accept them as they come and keep remembering NC is the best way to go.

[freengreen]

As much I am truly trying. It aint easy I know that for one fact. All you feel is the things I feel too.

 

After 1.5 months of NC, i am moving forward with a snail pace , some times taking a step back but overall, I hope I wont take long. Fingers crossed. Goid luck to you too. We have to be strobg and arrive at a spot where even if he comes back begging ( if at all they cared in the first place), we still say a firm, confident goodbye.

Edited December 9, 2016 by freengreen

[Samanthajay84]

I don't have any answers for you Flemish but I thought you might feel better if you knew you're not the only one struggling. I had a dream about xMM last night and am being bombarded with memories this morning.

 

It's so hard and it sucks so much, even after realizing he was never going to choose me.

 

Just try to remember that there will be good days and bad days. Accept them as they come and keep remembering NC is the best way to go.

 

Dreams are the worse. Or maybe it's the waking up part that I don't like?

 

On bad days, what I do is try to fill my schedule so much that I barely have time to think. Then other times I just let myself think and let the feelings roll until they kind of wind down. Sometimes you can't suppress them. Letting them out helps at times.

 

Wish you all the best.

[crazyinlove27]

This morning I was struggling I have to admit. I wrote a message to him and then deleted it as I couldn't even make myself press send as deep down I know it will do not good as he will not chose me.

 

Maybe could we all write what we are thinking on this thread to let it all out. I don't beleive keeping it all in is good for anyone.

Hugs to everyone. We can do this.

[FortyandForlorn]

I just wanted to say you're not alone. Mine was always an EA, so the hardest for me is knowing I'm losing a friend. One of my biggest qualities is my loyalty to my friends. If I'm your friend, I am there for life and will fiercely protect it. So it's been hard to admit I need to let this so-called friendship go. We've had LC since July. And it's all in the little things that make me want to hold on - a song or a joke that I want to tell him about.

 

I believe that this feeling won't go away overnight. We have to redirect our focus and celebrate the small victories. Fridays tend to be hard for me because there's no chance I will see him on the weekends. So if I can get through today without seeing him or talking to him, or hell, even getting lost in thought thinking about him, then I know I'm heading in the right direction, and I will take the time to acknowledge that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Okay. If you want to get over someone, stop saying he did not choose you. You are not a can of soup in the supermarket, you are a human being and you/we fell for someone who already is married. It's like wanting a job someone else is employed at or a house which is not for sale. Sure, you can sit and wait for 5, 10, 15 years to see if it becomes available, or you can just move on.

 

To answer your question, I am a year out but I had to see him up till last week. If you are seeing the guy, you will never get over it. Trust me.

[FoundMyStrength]

Okay. If you want to get over someone, stop saying he did not choose you.

 

I think this shift in mindset really helped me as well. When I was in LC, I was very much in the mindset of "pick me, please", not wanting to sever the connection because maybe he would "choose" me. Once I decided to cut it off completely, it felt really empowering. I chose to remove myself from a really painful, emotionally damaging situation. And that's helped me to (begin to) move on. Just a smidge. Good days, bad days. Hang in there, FSS.

[eye of the storm]

I write messages to my MM all the time. Some sappy. Some degrading where I beg. Some angry and full of ugly comments. I don't send any of them. But I have noticed I write less of them lately.

 

He sent me a study manual a few days ago. He sent a different manual to the guy that sits next to me. For an hour or so, I tied myself up in knots thinking it was a signal. Then, I decided it didn't matter.

 

So many things I miss about him.

 

BUT...I want someone willing to take an action to be with me. That wasn't him so I need to put myself out there and find someone who I want to be with and who chooses to be with me.

 

NC sucks. But it has helped me see things more clearly. It has helped me to start to separate from him.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I think this shift in mindset really helped me as well. When I was in LC, I was very much in the mindset of "pick me, please", not wanting to sever the connection because maybe he would "choose" me. Once I decided to cut it off completely, it felt really empowering. I chose to remove myself from a really painful, emotionally damaging situation. And that's helped me to (begin to) move on. Just a smidge. Good days, bad days. Hang in there, FSS.

 

Yes, you literally have to remove any thought of a future with MM from your head. This will help you immensely in moving forward and not reliving the affair in your head.

 

Also, writing out the emails or letters or texts that you NEVER send is also very helpful.

 

Do not try and push the emotions away- give them space but do not give them actions. There is a huge difference.

 

Come on girls- we are better then sitting around moping about our xMM. I can guarantee you they are NOT moping around over us. They may have moments where they are sad but they push it away and move forward. Think about how you want to live your life and go out and live it. It is almost a new year make it about something other than these men.

[drypuddle]

Okay. If you want to get over someone, stop saying he did not choose you. You are not a can of soup in the supermarket, you are a human being and you/we fell for someone who already is married.

 

Thank you for this! This is such a good reminder.

[freengreen]

Come on girls- we are better then sitting around moping about our xMM. I can guarantee you they are NOT moping around over us. They may have moments where they are sad but they push it away and move forward. Think about how you want to live your life and go out and live it. It is almost a new year make it about something other than these men.

Persuasive this ^. I want to get to this like a dog over a ball. Damn it hard!, well, gonna try hard to persuade my heart, my brains on my side, that should help.

[Southern Sun]

You just stopped contact in late November? I mean, you are only like 2 or 3 weeks in. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

I don't mean to minimize your progress. Every single day is a milestone at that point. Every week is like running a marathon. Let me just advise you to settle in, buckle up, put up your feet, and every other euphemism that means "it's gonna be a long ride." And that's not to discourage you...it's to set your expectations and to prepare you to commit to just DOING THIS. You can do it. Just totally cut contact and do it every damn day...forever. Because that is the way you heal. Just set your mind. As someone else said, unless that person is taking active steps to be with you, they ain't worth much in your world. So movin' on up.

 

For the first 3 months I counted everything by weeks. The three month mark seems to be some sort of breaking point (make or break...so be prepared). It's like you THINK you should be better than you are. You really have made progress, but you your expectations have gotten ahead of you. So your brain tries to say...if I'm this bad off still, maybe that means I'm just supposed to try the relationship again! But hold through that because it will get better again. You'll have ups and downs the next few months...and then at 6 months, that is when things really do start to feel clearer. Lighter. I think you start to be able to see again without the affair lens. Maybe some people just feel like they've recovered from a hard breakup; others feel like they've emerged from some sort of alternate universe (and in the 'wtf was I thinking' mode).

 

I'm sure everyone's timetable is a little different, but this is one example.

 

You can do it. One IMPORTANT piece of advice - do NOT break NC. It will send you back to square one. And you don't want that. Oh, and LC doesn't work.

[Poppy47]

Persuasive this ^. I want to get to this like a dog over a ball. Damn it hard!, well, gonna try hard to persuade my heart, my brains on my side, that should help.

 

Be a bit nice to yourself. Your NC hasn't been long at all.

 

I am at the 8 month point. NC has been an inconsistent journey.

 

I still count every week because it means I have achieved another week's distance between now and the secretive destructive lifestyle I was leading for years.

LOve Shack is a great place to return to instead of your former situation...

 

Poppy.

[freengreen]

Be a bit nice to yourself. Your NC hasn't been long at all.

 

I am at the 8 month point. NC has been an inconsistent journey.

 

I still count every week because it means I have achieved another week's distance between now and the secretive destructive lifestyle I was leading for years.

LOve Shack is a great place to return to instead of your former situation...

 

Poppy.

 

Thanks Poppy

 

Your have been a strong girl, 8 months over a 8 yr relationship. It aint easy.

[Stained glass heart]

It took me 4 years and heavy therapy and research to realize that he'd never change. Then last year I intitated contact to apologize for my behavior because in order for me to fully make peace with him and move on, I needed to let him know how truly sorry I was. He accepted my apology and wished me luck on my current relationship, which is now my second marriage. Then we moved and I joined that social website meetup which he is currently a member of. I initiated contact again to let him know why I joined in case he saw me on there and had suspicions. I told him how I lost my children this past June and he wrote back expressing his condolences and hoped I was well and enjoying my new home. I wrote back and didn't get a response which is okay. I don't expect him too. Then I had a dream about him a few weeks ago. It's very hard to not want to go back and relive our history but I always remember what I learned. People like my ex MM prefer their life that way. To hide behind a fake facade and create the illusion that their life is seemingly perfect, when it's not. At least that's how my ex MM portrays his. It's hard to accept for some but for me, he has nothing that I want.

Edited December 13, 2016 by Stained glass heart

[whatever29]

Here I am at six months NC and I wonder too how long to get over it. In many respects I am, but sometimes it is still difficult. I don't think about it much, but every once in awhile there will be some reminder. If this had been a normal relationship that just didn't work out, I think it would be a little different. Instead sometimes it bothers me because he said that he never lied to me about anything. Well, if that was true then he is not happy with his spouse and was very happy with me. I made the choice to end it because he still wanted to have an EA. I made the decision not to play that game anymore. Getting involved with a MM was not what I intended or wanted. It was all the future faking and circumstances that made me let him in.

 

So just take it one day at a time and use the NYE symbolic change to 2017 to keep moving forward!! There is someone better out there for us that deserves our love and affection.

Edited December 15, 2016 by whatever29

[FoundMyStrength]

Getting involved with a MM was not what I intended or wanted.

 

This really resonates with me. During my EA, this is exactly how I felt, how I sometimes even described it to xMM. "It was never my intention..." And then I fell down the rabbit hole of future faking and fantasizing.

 

I too am looking forward to 2017 as a new year, a fresh start, and renewal of my vows to not be in contact with xMM. That's all any of us can do. One day at a time.

[Lady2163]

My DDay was on the 15th Oct, we had LC until the 20th Nov, but this contact was cold and formal work emails. Since then full NC.

 

It's hard! I miss him...just talking to him as a friend. So much reminds me of him. I've established new routines around my phone, but can't help hoping when a notification arrives that it could be him (likewise with work emails).

 

I don't believe he will break NC and I know that is best. But how long will it really take to get over him? I still think about him everyday, though not always positively. I'm torn between wishing he was out of my head and wishing he would contact me. Deep down, I know he spun me a line, I thought we had a future (maybe he believed it when he was saying it), but his children, wife and financial commitments were always the biggest concern for him.

 

I'm still friends with XMM. I never let myself fall in romantic love with him. I never expected him to leave his wife or family for me.

 

But I'm close to three years after amicably ending things. I can't make a connection when I do date. Some of it isn't me, but when I meet someone who has potential, but just "isn't him". I get super depressed. I've dated younger ish widowers before and they usually chase me away with their baggage and making me feel like I'm competing with a ghost who is now been raised to perfection in their untimely death.

 

Sadly, the seven years with XMM are still the best I've had in a relationship. It wasn't an affair fog, it was because I was able to avoid the day to day drudgery and commitment. Of course we never fought, we didn't have anything to fight over.

[aileD]

Sadly, the seven years with XMM are still the best I've had in a relationship. It wasn't an affair fog, it was because I was able to avoid the day to day drudgery and commitment. Of course we never fought, we didn't have anything to fight over.

 

I find this comment interesting. It's true, and a lot of people in affairs don't necessarily see that. Your affair was great because it wasn't a true relationship in the sense that you didn't deal with day to day problems and drudgery. I don't think it can be compared to a real relationship. It's probably not the best relationship you have ever had it's just the best affair you ever had.

[Lady2163]

I find this comment interesting. It's true, and a lot of people in affairs don't necessarily see that. Your affair was great because it wasn't a true relationship in the sense that you didn't deal with day to day problems and drudgery. I don't think it can be compared to a real relationship. It's probably not the best relationship you have ever had it's just the best affair you ever had.

 

I'm not trying to quibble over semantics, so don't be offended. But, since I was single it wasn't an affair for me. It was either fwb, with an emphasis on actually being FRIENDS and not just fffffuuu buddies or a relationship.

 

A lot "real" relationships have hurdles and limitations as well.

 

Although I'm now going to ruminate extensively on what makes a relationship a relationship.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm still friends with XMM. I never let myself fall in romantic love with him. I never expected him to leave his wife or family for me.

 

But I'm close to three years after amicably ending things. I can't make a connection when I do date. Some of it isn't me, but when I meet someone who has potential, but just "isn't him". I get super depressed. I've dated younger ish widowers before and they usually chase me away with their baggage and making me feel like I'm competing with a ghost who is now been raised to perfection in their untimely death.

 

Sadly, the seven years with XMM are still the best I've had in a relationship. It wasn't an affair fog, it was because I was able to avoid the day to day drudgery and commitment. Of course we never fought, we didn't have anything to fight over.

 

I'm not one of those people who seem to have invaded this board and are overly hostile, so please do not read this as hostile - I have a checkered past, both an affair which took me more than 2x the time of it to get over and a 3 year relationship with a guy who was separated and couldn't sh"t or get off the pot. Both were unbelievable horrible experiences. In both situations, I was madly in love and wanted to be with the guy for real.

 

So - when I read that your best relationship was 7 years you had with this xmm and you are actually able to be friends with him and never fell in love (and by the way, I actually do believe you), I see that as you have some serious issues preventing you from becoming intimate with a partner. Obviously I have no idea what they are but know that it is not the norm to be able to be so detached - and it's not necessarily a good trait. Yes, it's great you did not experience the suicidal feelings I felt over these men (and obviously I have my own issues) but you should think about why your best years were with someone not available to you.

[Satu]

This poem seems to reflect the way that some people feel in an affair.

 

 

The fist clenched round my heart

loosens a little, and I gasp

brightness; but it tightens

again. When have I ever not loved

the pain of love? But this has moved

 

past love to mania. This has the strong

clench of the madman, this is

gripping the ledge of unreason, before

plunging howling into the abyss.

 

Hold hard then, heart.

This way at least you live.

 

 

- Derek Walcott, "The Fist."

[Lady2163]

I'm not one of those people who seem to have invaded this board and are overly hostile, so please do not read this as hostile - I have a checkered past, both an affair which took me more than 2x the time of it to get over and a 3 year relationship with a guy who was separated and couldn't sh"t or get off the pot. Both were unbelievable horrible experiences. In both situations, I was madly in love and wanted to be with the guy for real.

 

So - when I read that your best relationship was 7 years you had with this xmm and you are actually able to be friends with him and never fell in love (and by the way, I actually do believe you), I see that as you have some serious issues preventing you from becoming intimate with a partner. Obviously I have no idea what they are but know that it is not the norm to be able to be so detached - and it's not necessarily a good trait. Yes, it's great you did not experience the suicidal feelings I felt over these men (and obviously I have my own issues) but you should think about why your best years were with someone not available to you.

 

I think part of it has to do with being in the military and having close, kinships with men, many of them married. You love each other and would die for each other, but you don't LOVE each other. Your time together ends and you adapt to a new assignment and new kinships. I'm still friends with many of these men, I'd donate a kidney or anything for them, but the intense emotions have faded.

 

And, I'm not immune. When I feel,the urge to cross the line or be too needy in my friendship with him, I'm on here more. Maybe not this sub forum, but this site.