Jealous friend spread lies about me and destroyed my relationship.

[rh205]

A few weeks ago my girlfriend pushed me away as a result of a jealous 'friend' spreading outrageous lies about what I said.

 

He has fancied my girlfriend for over nine years ever since we all met up on a college course.

 

Recently he told her that I called her a b*t*h and said that I was going to go to the police about crimes committed by her ex. She told her family and they believed the lies and came to the conclusion that I was trying to blackmail her into getting back with me and now she has gone cold on me.

 

I have tried to explain to her that I definitely didn't say those things but it doesn't seem to have worked.

 

I would argue that it's not normal to fancy someone for nine years. I told her that his behaviour was very worrying and advised her to stay well clear. I think he lied because he knew that I stood in his way and that he would have to make up something drastic to get rid of me and sure enough it was less than 24 hours before he started making sexual advances on her. It is clear that he done this as he is jealous of us and resents the fact that she chose me over him.

 

After a brief spell of not talking to each other they now appear to be best friends again. Tonight she has posted to Facebook about how she is going to miss her best friend as he is going to his mums. I feel so frustrated that he ruined our relationship and yet they all seem to have fallen for his lies. It’s as if he has won.

 

I believe that he may be a sociopath judging by his past and present behaviour and that they have been deceived by him. It's so frustrating as I know what I said and yet they have all fallen for his lies and aren't willing to hear my side. I wish there was some way to make them realise that his behaviour is very unhealthy and potentially unsafe and that they would be well advised to keep their distance.

 

I also believe that he only dated her sister to get to her and when they split up it seems very strange how he remained living there despite her having a new boyfriend. I can't believe that none of them questioned why he didn't move back to his mums after they split. I mean it must be mental torture seeing your ex with a new man everyday and hearing them in the next room having sex at night. This leads me to think that he only put himself through that in order to stay close to my girlfriend. It all seems very odd I mean surely you would put some distance between you and your ex after a breakup. Don't most couples go their separate ways and move back or closer to family after a break up? He is looking for a house in the same town as his ex. I don't get this as surely the last thing you would want is to bump into ex and their new partner everyday. It’s as if he is doing it to stay close to my girlfriend under the guise of wanting to be near his friends.

 

I feel like saying look you idiots he told those lies to get rid of me and can't you see that it isn't normal to fantasise about someone let alone having sex with them for nine years. I can't believe how short sighted they are being and feel that she is being naive in that she thinks he’s just being a close friend but really he is after one thing and doesn’t care who he has to hurt to get it. I mean on the outside he may present the image of a kind caring close friend and yet on the inside he is cold and calculating and waiting to make his next move. Should I wait until after Christmas now before trying to fix this as she may be less stressed then?

 

Please give me your thoughts, opinions and advice on this please. I’m just so confused as not only did he lie to her, he admitted that he had lied and then he made unwanted sexual advances believing I was no longer around and yet now they are best friends again despite his lies ruining her relationship with me. I don't know of many women who would take their best friend back after something like this. I mean how can they not see the bloody great red flags here. To me he seems very strange in that he has been fantasising about her for nine years and I'm left wondering if he is a risk to her and her family.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly?

 

My guess is that she wanted to believe him because she likes him. This was a convenient way to get out of her relationship with you, and get close to him.

 

If she'd been a more loyal girlfriend, she'd likely have given you the benefit of the doubt rather than blindly believing what someone with a shady track record tells her.

 

The problem isn't this other guy. The problem is her. He wouldn't have been able to cause chaos and break you two apart without her tacit consent. Your frustration is misguided. She chose to believe him and get cozy with him again, rather than speak to you about what appears are baseless lies. That says a heck of a lot about who her heart is with.

[rh205]

My initial reaction to her Facebook post was 'you stupid stupid woman'. I know that sounds extremely harsh but bearing in mind that after talking to him on Facebook I managed to get him to admit that he had lied and then he asked me not to say anything to her I can't help but think how can anyone be so stupid as to believe him let alone become close friends with him. I mean he admitted to lying and then asked me to cover it up. It's not exactly the behaviour of a person I would want in my circle of friends.

 

I bet he hasn't admitted the truth to her face and I bet he won't as it wouldn't be in his interest. Both her and her sister have known that he has liked her since our course and he rather stupidly kept letting it slip on multiple occasions whilst he was with her sister.

 

She has had multiple chances to get with him before I came back on the scene but she has told him that he is a close friend and nothing more so I do wonder if she is just a very naive person who can't see his real motive.

 

Am I right to be worried as he strikes me as very mentally unstable in that he has said that he has fantasised about her and having sex with her for nine years and has been sending her sexually explicit messages. Also he has reported that he has been feeling 'f'ed in the head' since his break up and has been self harming. I worry that what with it being Christmas and a time when she is likely to be drinking could the situation arise where he sees it as his opportunity to make an unwanted move on her?

 

I'm just so confused about how she could become friends with him after he lied and got found out. I mean surely its clear to the average person what he has done and why he has done it and yet neither her or her family can see this and they continue to let what I would describe as a dangerous individual into their lives.

 

It may seem a bit over the top calling him dangerous but I can't help but think this based on the fact that he has been fixated on her and having sex with her for nine years. This just doesn't strike me as normal.

[rh205]

For some reason she appears to be ignoring me and not even bothering to read my Facebook messages. I can tell this as it says that it has been delivered but not read.

 

I'm in two minds about this and what to do.

 

On the one hand I wonder if he has been telling her more lies about me and she rather stupidly believes him and has therefore decided that rather than check them with me to completely ignore me. This may also explain why they have become close friends again. In other words his lies may have pulled her towards him and she sees him as an honest friend for telling her what she thinks is true. It is well documented that sociopaths have a knack of convincing people that the truth tellers (me) are the ones who are lying.

 

 

One the other hand I wonder if it's just that she doesn't want to talk to me and is still stressed because of it and Christmas. It was interesting how after one week of no contact last week she commented in a flirtatious manner to one of my posts.

 

I really don't know what to do. I mean surely its clear to the average person that he said what he did to destroy our relationship.

[JoeSmith357-1]

How old are you?

 

Why are you still facebook friends with her? Make a clean cut... move on, you don't want this one.

[ExpatInItaly]

What she does with him or anyone else isn't your problem anymore. I know that sounds harsh, but she made the choice to walk away from you and your relationship. That means that whatever risk she is taking with him is hers to deal with, should things go sour. It's not your place to try to save her from him. Much as it hurts, she is an adult capable of making her own choices, however poor they might seem.

 

If she isn't reading your messages, it's because she's not interested in what you have to say. Sure, she might have been fed more lies about you, but she is also choosing not to bother hearing you out. That speaks volumes. Most committed and invested girlfriends would surely want to hear what their boyfriend says about nasty rumours going around about him; the fact that she opted not to tells me she was probably on her way of the relationship anyway. Frankly, I'd be insulted if I were in your shoes. She must not have thought very much of you if she believed you were capable of things her friend lied about.

 

Stop contacting her. Stop contacting him too. You'll only drive yourself crazy. She wanted out, and doesn't want to hear your side of things, so the best response would be to go radio silent. She knows how to find you should she decide she wants to talk.

[rh205]

How old are you?

 

We are both 28 years old. As for still being friends on Facebook. Well I don't really know why we are. It's just that neither of us have unfriended each other. But it makes me wonder if she still has some hidden feelings for me if she hasn't unfriended me as I would of thought that would be the first thing she would do. I mean despite the heat of the moment she has made the conscious decision not to cut ties completely by unfriending or blocking me. There must be a reason why she has decided to keep a channel of communication well and truly open and I wonder if a sit and wait approach would be best in that I go quiet on Facebook but get on with my life. I mean surely most people immediately unfriend and block their ex in this kind of situation.

 

I can't help but think that it's possibly going to be a case of dare I say it him sexually assaulting or raping her before her and her family wake up and realize that I was right when I warned her that she should keep her distance from him. I do wonder if it's not so much a case of 'if' but more a case of 'when'. Don't get me wrong I'm not wishing for it to happen as I would never wish that on anyone its just that I wonder if someone like him would do it given the chance and in the right circumstances.

 

It was interesting that when I hadn't contacted her for seven days she suddenly got in touch. She was most definitely flirting like we use to and was saying things you wouldn't say to a friend. It's as if she missed talking to me.

 

So my plan at the moment is to go no contact for 30 days in the hope that this gives her time to miss me and realize she made a mistake either through her own rationale thought or by him saying or doing something. Also this would allow us to get the stress of Christmas out the way. She has a child and quite a big family and a low income so Christmas can be stressful for her so I don't think that's helping.

 

I realize it's not doing me any good thinking too much about it as I doubt anything will be sorted before Christmas now and I think that I would be better off enjoying Christmas with my family and friends and maybe picking it up in the new year.

 

Is this a good plan?

 

What are your thoughts on my friend and his mental state?

 

Does he strike you as a sociopath?

Edited December 9, 2016 by rh205

[Space Ritual]

We are both 28 years old.

 

I had to read your initial post like 8 times because I admit I was a bit incredulous at your girlfriend's stupidity, but it is not out of the realm of possibility that your tale is indeed true, so in the Spirit if the Season I'll offer a few words as per your situation.

 

 

 

Dude, this is the kind of crap that happens between 18 year olds who just got their first job out of High school working at a Telemarketing Call Center.

 

Not the crap that happens between 28 year olds.

 

I agree with Expat. Your Girlfriend wanted to believe him.

 

He just happened to pull out a line from Chapter 1 of Bullschnitt 101 and she was was willingly gullible enough to go with it.

 

If I were you, I would not shed a tear. And I would get an STD test. If she fell for something like that she may have fallen for some break dancer behind your back. There was guy on here that may be dealing with a GF that may or may not have been messing about with some DJ, so break dancer is about in the same category as DJ or Telemarketer.

I feel sorry for that guy.

 

I'm not trying to make light of your situation, but you dodged a bullet with this Intellectual Titan you've been dating.

 

I'm not totally against having sex with women who have bodies made by Rolls Royce and Brains made by Parker Brothers, but that is just ridiculous.

 

Get rid of her off of FB too...don't pine for such a dullard.

[Darren Steez]

Dude. Let her go.

 

If she's silly enough to believe what he said then she's not the kind of person you want to build a life with.

 

Also both of you are head game players, posting stuff on facebook hoping/knowing one or the other will read it and react.

 

Also this dude is not your friend, that stuff he said about you, what if her family /friends of the family reacted and had a go at you? That's dangerous.

 

Unfriend them both on facebook, in fact unfriend all the people that are friends with them, go and find yourself a new relationship these people can't pollute and leave them to it.

 

The guy hasn't won at all.

 

Think about it logically, you pursue and lie just to get a girl because you dislike some dude. That dude shrugs and says have her and moves on to the next woman, will that feel like a victory?

 

Now what about doing what you're doing, the facebook posting, the waiting 30 days and dragging this drama up again, not only will he be winning now, but he'll be winning 30 days from now and how ever long you keep fighting to win her back.

 

Again she ain't loyal, again even if you do get her back this clown will still be around making trouble.

 

Mess with him. Send him a card and a beer and say thank you for getting her off my hands, you're welcome to her mate.

 

Suddenly all that scheming doesn't amount to much. And she's not on her high horse with two men wanting her.

 

Walk away, in fact run.

[rh205]

Thanks for all your advice.

 

I'm just so shocked that not only did she fall for his lies in the first place (despite him having a long track record of lying to both her and her sister) she has decided become best friends with him again even after the truth came out.

 

I mean how on earth can anyone be so stupid as to not only believe a compulsive liar but then take them back after knowing that they were lied to.

 

I just wish there was some way to repair this but as they say 'you can't fix stupid'. I bet any average person would have been able see why he did what he did and yet both her and even worse her family didn't. I don't think they are the most intelligent bunch of people and I can't help but think that the only way for them to see sense would be for him to do something wrong and I doubt it will be long before he slips up.

 

I use to have good standing with her and her family and was well liked by them and yet that has all been ruined by the lies of a very jealous and bitter individual who couldn't accept the fact that she chose me over him.

 

Is there anything I can say as a last resort in an attempt to make her see sense before giving up for good?

[rh205]

I can't understand why I'm being seen as the bad guy in this as I wasn't the one who thought up outrageous lies and then told my 'best friend' these lies.

 

She is being very blunt with me in our messages on FB:

 

Me: How are you feeling now?

Her: Still the same

Me: I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help you?

Her: No.

Me: OK. Is there anything I can do to prove how sorry I am and to make it up to you?

Her: No.

 

She did post to Facebook last night that she was feeling emotional. But I don't know what to make of it or whether it may explain why she is being so blunt.

 

I feel like saying: I don't understand why I'm being seen as the bad guy in this as I wasn't the one who made up outrageous lies to destroy my best friends relationship.

 

This is going to be her first Christmas without her mum so I wonder if that could be why she is being so blunt. If it is then maybe a period of no contact will help as it must be horrible not having your mum around at this time of year and it may be a case of she is not able to focus on anything else right now.

Edited December 10, 2016 by rh205

[JoeSmith357-1]

I had to read your initial post like 8 times because I admit I was a bit incredulous at your girlfriend's stupidity, but it is not out of the realm of possibility that your tale is indeed true, so in the Spirit if the Season I'll offer a few words as per your situation.

 

 

 

Dude, this is the kind of crap that happens between 18 year olds who just got their first job out of High school working at a Telemarketing Call Center.

 

Not the crap that happens between 28 year olds.

 

Get rid of her off of FB too...don't pine for such a dullard.

 

Agreed, this sounds like high school stuff...

[smackie9]

OP I feel you are not telling us everything. What was going on between you and your GF before this happened? You guys had trust issues? You guys were having fights? Was there a huge fight between you? Have you two been having issues in your relationship that you have not revealed to us? Her just believing him and not discussing it with you is very suspect. It sounds to me your relationship was on the verge of ending and her friend's lies was just a push....he just saw opportunity and not had plotted a plan.

[Space Ritual]

Is there anything I can say as a last resort in an attempt to make her see sense before giving up for good?

 

Why in the hell would you want to be with her again? She has shown she is not averse to being influenced by falsehoods. I think that in and of itself would be reason enough to runs screaming in the night as far away from her as possible.

 

She will do it again if you allow her to.

 

The best thing you can do is stay silent and delete her from your life altogether.

 

Nothing says F.U. like being ignored.

[rh205]

OP I feel you are not telling us everything. What was going on between you and your GF before this happened? You guys had trust issues? You guys were having fights? Was there a huge fight between you? Have you two been having issues in your relationship that you have not revealed to us? Her just believing him and not discussing it with you is very suspect. It sounds to me your relationship was on the verge of ending and her friend's lies was just a push....he just saw opportunity and not had plotted a plan.

 

We did a have a fight and it was about me messaging him to say that I was sorry to hear that his relationship with her sister had broken down. She felt that I was slagging her sister off behind her back when all I said to him was sorry.

 

Also she felt that I was talking about her behind her back because I asked him if she was alright as she was being distant with me.

 

I think that she is very impressionable and easily led in that she will believe many thinks people tell her.

 

I'm tempted to give it time for the dust to settle and then see if she wants to meet up to talk as I'm sure that I can make her and her stupid family see that I didn't say what he said I did.

[smackie9]

You are still diverting blame.....I feel there are deep rooted issues you have yet to mention.

[rh205]

I said to him that because she wasn't at the time taking action to protect her child from neglect by a former partner that I should report her to the police and social services. But I went on to say that I knew that this would upset and hurt her and that I believed it best to point her in the right direction of help and see if she did the right thing rather than go immediately to the authorities. He twisted it and told her that I said I would report her and therefore her family believe I said this to black mail her into staying with me. The key point is that I said 'I should' and not that 'I would'.

 

She is now taking action to protect her and her child and therefore there is no need to report her.

 

He saw this as his opportunity to ruin an already very fragile relationship and I believe that he knew it wouldn't take much to completely destroy it. I told her on the day that I was willing to work with her to get the help that her and her child needed.

 

I wish I could undo this mess and start again as I love her and would hate to lose her because of the lies of a jealous person.

[Space Ritual]

I said to him that because she wasn't at the time taking action to protect her child from neglect by a former partner that I should report her to the police and social services. But I went on to say that I knew that this would upset and hurt her and that I believed it best to point her in the right direction of help and see if she did the right thing rather than go immediately to the authorities. He twisted it and told her that I said I would report her and therefore her family believe I said this to black mail her into staying with me. The key point is that I said 'I should' and not that 'I would'.

 

She is now taking action to protect her and her child and therefore there is no need to report her.

 

He saw this as his opportunity to ruin an already very fragile relationship and I believe that he knew it wouldn't take much to completely destroy it. I told her on the day that I was willing to work with her to get the help that her and her child needed.

 

I wish I could undo this mess and start again as I love her and would hate to lose her because of the lies of a jealous person.

 

Seriously?

 

Well at least you filled us in on the rest of the story.

 

I actually would amend my earlier advice.

 

Why in the hell would you say this to a third party at all let alone this guy? Especially when you KNEW BEFOREHAND HE HAD DESIGNS ON HER?

 

You do understand that saying something like that even in passing is not only foolhardy to say to this guy, but it is foolhardy to say anything of this nature at all.

 

No wonder she wants nothing to do with you. And no wonder I had to read the original post 8 times. Even alluding to reporting someone for any reason, especially on some sort of child neglect or endangerment and then qualifying it with some passive aggressive statement about not doing it because it would upset her flys in the face of common sense.

 

I stand corrected. I told you to bail based on incomplete information, so I can only blame myself for biting on your thread when something told me I should not have.

 

So now a big piece of the puzzle is filled in and I must say I don't blame her one bit for not wanting anything to do with you. You obviously do not understand that even throwing your statement about the reporting out there in the first place, regardless of who it was made to, would lead your GF to believe she could no longer trust you had it gotten back to her.

 

We dispense advice based on our own experience, and also because many of us, even as harsh as we can be, actually do care.

 

To leave such a crucial detail out concerning your thread does a huge disservice not so much to the persons you ask for advice, but more importantly to yourself. Because I am pretty sure at least more than one of the responders would have given you drastically different advice, myself included.

 

 

Nobody messes around with something as serious as reporting someone they purport to love to authorities and can expect to have an unaffected relationship.

 

I would urge you to just walk away, for both of your sakes.

 

In life, we have very few things we can hang our hat on, and integrity is one of them. So what I am about to say you can take or leave, but just know it is coming from a guy that did some terrible things to people in life, who fell woefully short in the integrity department for a many years and took decades to restore a fraction of it.

 

Please re examine yourself and make some attempt to restore yours so you can live a productive life free of self sabotaging behaviors.

 

Good Luck.

[rh205]

What worries me is this conversation between me and him after he admitted to lying about what I said:

 

Me: I hope that she is going to be OK. But the problem is you lied about what I said and as a result her and the whole of her family have turned against me.

 

Him: No she be OK and the family be OK as well in time as that have a lot going on at the moment just give it time as I need you to be waiting

 

Me: What do you mean that you need me to be waiting?

 

Him: I mean be there when things crumble as that and she will see that she will need you then OK

 

Me: OK. Why what thing is going to crumble?

 

Him: I don't know just she will find out who's there for her if things go bad is all I'm saying you just have to leave her alone for a bit as she will probably come back

 

Me: But I don't understand why you twisted my words as I never said I was going to report her.

 

Him: Because I want her to no she was making a mistake letting you go

 

It makes me question what he means by the phrase 'when things crumble'. Its as if he knows something bad is going to happen soon and it leaves me thinking that its going to be because of him.

 

The family are currently moving house as well as it being Christmas so I can understand why they don't want to see me at the moment.

 

Is anyone else getting the same sort of feeling from the above conversation?

[rh205]

I wonder if the reason she is being blunt and saying there is nothing I can do to make it up to her is possibly because she knows that if we met up or started talking then her feelings for me would return and she would forgive me. I can't help but think that he may be right when he said that she still cares about me and hence why she is trying to keep her distance. Is it normal for a woman to go cold and distant if they know that they still have feelings for someone but aren't willing to express them?

Edited December 10, 2016 by rh205

[smackie9]

You have a one track mind and are a manipulator. You only care about getting her back, place blame on others...when you point a finger at someone, 6 are pointing back at you. She is realizing what kind of a person you are and feels it's in her best interest to cut ties, and her family wants her to do so too. You need to own it and let this and her go.

[Space Ritual]

You have a one track mind and are a manipulator. You only care about getting her back, place blame on others...when you point a finger at someone, 6 are pointing back at you. She is realizing what kind of a person you are and feels it's in her best interest to cut ties, and her family wants her to do so too. You need to own it and let this and her go.

 

 

Smackie,

 

The only place where I would disagree even a little bit is after reading the followups of the OP is that I am of the opinion that perhaps OP has never really seen much consequence for any of his actions over the course of his life. Or at least to the point where any consequence would actually phase him.

 

I think that is why he is so adept at dismissing both of our subsequent posts as if they were never written. I don't usually do any armchair psychoanalysis and feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but we may have found a True Blue Narcissist here...lol. I really am at a loss to understand why he sees no problem in crying wolf and expecting his ex gf to just be fine with it and remain aware by osmosis alone that the threats of exposure were normal.

 

Maybe the fact I am referring to him in a different tense other than first person is something he could more readily identify with? Other than that I got Nothin...lol

[rh205]

I don't know what to say other than thank you for your advice.

 

I wish I had behaved differently and things had turned out differently. I did truly love her and in hindsight I was very stupid for saying anything to him. I wish I could fix this as I believe that she loved me before I made the biggest mistake ever.

[rh205]

I don't understand why I'm being seen as a narcissist. I made it clear to both him and her several times that I had no intention of reporting her. I told her that in this case I felt the best approach would be to support her and assist her to get whatever help she required in order to protect her and her child.

 

This isn't about getting her back for my own personal gain but recognising that we had something special but as a result of someone who I rather stupidly thought was a friend twisting my words it has all been ruined.

[rh205]

Why am I being seen as a narcissist for wanting to rebuild my relationship?