Tough breakup need a fix

[Dashottcalla]

I've been broken up with my ex for about a month now. The biggest reason was because she felt stressed by me constantly bringing up issues. Looking back at it now I see that the issues weren't even that big and me and her did have a good thing going asides from me nit picking.

 

Since we've broken up I tried to convince her to come back to no avail in promises of changing for the better. We've gone through no contact on and off, the longest being around 4 days. I've been the one to break NC each time. I have been working on myself as far as working out more, listening to positive lectures, going out with friends and have tried to show her. Today was her bday, I took her out to eat and took her shopping. I feel as though I showed her an improved, light hearted version of my older self. At the end of the date I dropped her home and called her afterwards and told her that I feel as though we should try again. She insists that she still wants me to focus and work on myself because even though she had a great time with me she feels like my vibe is the same as before and she doesn't feel like I'm currently the strong person that she needs. She said she feels like I'm really low energy and that I have spirit but she feels like I lost my soul. I then told her that I will continue to work on myself.

 

The thing is I feel like if I don't contact her she won't contact me and we will slowly become strangers. I also feel as though she will move on if I don't "fix" myself in a timely manner. The one issue that I believe I tackled was the worrying part, I don't feel as though I have to worry and stress about every single aspect of the relationship. As far as the soul part, I've always been a person who keeps my emotions inside for the most part, I'm not overly expressive. Mostly due to the fact that I tend to care too much about how the outside world will judge me. And lastly I did show a lot of weakness by not wanting to let go of the relationship when she was strick about wanting a break. In the month we've been apart I've given her several gifts (apple watch, camera, headphones, flowers on two occasions, wine, perfume, lipstick, chocolate, etc), all in which she has accepted but hasn't changed anything.

 

I am humbly writing to say that I don't know what to do as far as further fixing myself and getting her back. I understand fixing myself is most important.

[anina27]

Please STOP, just STOP. Don't take her out for dinner and shopping sprees. Don't buy her gifts in hope of love. Love is free, it comes from inside and no amount of money or gifts will ever bring you love. Do what she wants you to do, work on yourself... get into counseling, build your self esteem and deal with your co-dependency issues. You claim,"The thing is I feel like if I don't contact her she won't contact me and we will slowly become strangers." then state, " I don't feel as though I have to worry and stress about every single aspect of the relationship." Guess what you're doing there? You are worrying. If you really understand that the most important thing is to " fixing myself" than that's where your priority needs to be. Good luck

[LargoLagg]

Please STOP, just STOP.

YES!

Don't take her out for dinner and shopping sprees. Don't buy her gifts in hope of love. Love is free, it comes from inside and no amount of money or gifts will ever bring you love.

CORRECT!

Do what she wants you to do,

No, but do what she suggests with respect to her. Leave her alone for now. Just leave her alone.

work on yourself...

definitely. she's not the key to your happiness. if you're honest with yourself, you'll see she's exactly the opposite. but that's your fault, not hers. so STOP, just STOP all this with her!.

get into counseling,

I know this is very popular these days, but I don't know if it is truly necessary

build your self esteem and deal with your co-dependency issues.

Yeah, stop acting like you need her. You need air. You need water. You'll eventually need some food and shelter. You don't need her. You do need to act with some self-determination, not she-determination.

You claim,"The thing is I feel like if I don't contact her she won't contact me and we will slowly become strangers."

You might be right. But if you are, then you need to be a man about that. It's not the end of the world. Figuring it all out with this one might just be the very high price you pay so that you can keep the next one that comes along. So don't fret that you may very well slowly become strangers. That's pretty normal, but half of that is up to her. You really don't want to be with a girl who doesn't ever contact you. Think of it this way: YOU ARE TESTING HER. If she doesn't contact you, she failed the test.

then state, " I don't feel as though I have to worry and stress about every single aspect of the relationship." Guess what you're doing there? You are worrying.

SPOT ON!

If you really understand that the most important thing is to " fixing myself" than that's where your priority needs to be. Good luck

Yes, good luck. Oh, and this is going to be difficult for you. So, get ready for that.