Raising kids with a mentally ill spouse.

[PennGuy]

My wife has Bipolar 2, BPD or something similar. I never really bothered to find out exactly what it was. She was on medication just like many other people I knew. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time.

 

She's off her meds (I just found this out) and she is pregnant with our second child. The medication she is on is safe to take.

 

She's impossible to talk to or reason with. She's tired all the time and falls asleep in the middle of the afternoon while I'm left to parent my two year old and manage the household. If I ask her to get up and help please, she FLIPS.

 

Last night was the final straw. She went to bed early (as always) and I was left to tend to my son and his nightly routine. Normally he lays in bed with her until he's drowsy and then we put him in his own room. Last night, I gave her a break and took him back downstairs with me. We laid on the couch and played little games on his tablet until about quarter till 10 when I decided I was tired and it was time for a little boy to be in bed.

 

I attempted to put him in his crib and he had a tantrum which woke my wife and she was angry. So I went to get him and bring him to bed with us until he calmed down and she refused to have him in there.

 

She basically called me stupid for just trying to put him in his crib. I said it was quarter to ten at night, I knew you were tired so I didn't put him in bed with you. She then said that I'm an idiot for expecting him to go to sleep after I let him run around downstairs (which wasn't true). "He never did this before bed until you switched to day shift at work". Right. it's all my fault. It has nothing to do with the fact that he's a tyrant two year old at times.

 

I told her she's making the situation impossible. She doesn't want him in her bed, but she doesn't want to hear him scream, and she doesn't want him downstairs. I told her I didn't know what to do and I get berated either way. She just kept yelling at me to shut the f*ck up and she didn't want to talk. She finally stormed out of the room and slammed the door which got my little boy screaming harder, so she slept on the couch and I brought him into bed with me.

 

I told her last night that from now on, my little boy is all hers at night. She can do things the way she wants because I can't seem to figure out how to do it right. She obviously said "no way that is happening".

 

Don't ever marry and procreate with someone who has mental illness whether they are on meds or not. It's too late for me, at least until the kids are older.

[noelle303]

I think the first step would be finding out what kind of mental illness your wife actually has.

 

Step two would be educating yourself on it and talking to a professional who can guide you on what you can do to make it easier on both of you.

 

Ideally, these things would have happended before you married and had kids with her. It's actually pretty incomprehensible that during your relationship, engagement, marriage and parenthood you actually never expressed any interest in this? Makes me wonder ''why'' and ''how''?

 

Also, I'm sorry to say this, but you actually seem pretty insensitive. A mental illness is still an illness and it's not like she can help it. However, this doesn't define who she is, she's still your wife and the person you fell in love with and the last thing she needs right now is you acting like she's some crazy burden that you're stuck with.

[Downtown]

My wife has Bipolar 2, BPD or something similar. I never really bothered to find out exactly what it was.

PennGuy, it is important that you find out now. Both of your children are at risk of inheriting -- through genes or environment -- whatever disorder your W suffers from.

 

As to bipolar disorder, a 2012 Systematic Review of 37 bipolar studies concludes, "The lifetime risk for bipolar affective disorder is 15%–30% in individuals with 1 first-degree relative with bipolar disorder and up to 75% in those with 2 affected first-degree relatives."

 

As to BPD, it is unclear how high that risk is because only a few studies (all with small sample sizes) have been done. Three older studies (1985 and 1988) found that "between 10 and 20 percent of first-degree relatives of people with BPD also have BPD...." See BPD Survival Guide (at p. 42).

 

A more recent 2011 study, however, estimates the risk at between 28% and 37%. It therefore concludes that "An individual with a first-degree relative showing BPD exhibited a statistically significant 3- to 4-fold increase in risk of BPD compared with an individual without a first-degree relative with BPD." See "Comment" section of BPD Family Study. Whereas the earlier studies had been based on self-reporting by the BPDer patient being treated, this 2011 study was based on interviews of both the BPDer patients and their affected family members.

 

The NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) reports an even higher figure. It states "BPD is about five times more common among people who have a first-degree relative with the disorder." See NAMI on BPD. Given that the lifetime incidence is 6% for the general population, this estimate would place the risk at 30%.

 

Onset Age. If one of your children were to develop bipolar, the typical onset range is 18 to 30 -- with the average age of onset being 25. If BPD were to develop, it would start showing strongly during the early teens. Given your W's refusal to pursue treatment, I recommend that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and your children likely are dealing with.

Suggestions. The distinction between bipolar and BPD is important because, whereas bipolar often can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is very difficult to treat and medications will not make a dent in it. Moreover, if BPD actually is involved, you cannot rely on HER therapist to be candid with you. Therapists typically withhold the name of the disorder from high functioning BPDer clients -- and from their partners and insurance companies -- for the protection of those clients. If you're interested, I explain that in greater detail at Loath to Diagnose BPD.

 

Hence, if you believe BPD is a strong possibility, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion is to see a psychologist who has never seen your W. That way, he is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not those of your W.

 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders. An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs.

[miltie1916]

You can not knowingly leave a two year old in the care of a mentally ill mom. if you cannot convince her to take her medication you may have to seek involuntarily commitment for the term of her pregnancy so she can be closely monitored to assure no harm is done to the unborn child.

[GunslingerRoland]

It's 2016, people don't get committed unless there is a clear danger to others. Why do you think the streets are littered with so many homeless mentally ill people. Because they closed all of the facilities that used to house people with problems like that.

 

Anyway OP, you need to put your foot down. She has to seek help, whether that is going on medication, going to some sort of counselling or ideally a bit of both.

 

Does she have family that can talk to her? Or friends?