Boyfriend just told me that he has slept with his best friend

[gulfball]

Over the past year, my boyfriend has introduced me to a few girls he has had sex with. He usually tells me before or soon after I meet them. It's hard to interact with them but I like that he's honest with me.

 

I've always had a weird feeling about his best girlfriend. When I met her she drunkenly laughed and said that she and my boyfriend go "waaaay back". Then she leaned in and told me that they hooked up a long time ago and that she was his first kiss. When I asked my boyfriend if he's ever had a thing with her he said "oh well we made out once." I chose to believe my boyfriend despite this nagging feeling that she was telling me the truth.

 

Fast forward to a year after countless times of them hanging out one on one and him performing all of these hard tasks for her the second she asks. He bends backwards for her, spends time with her and her dad, and wears hats that her dad gave her.

 

I finally asked if she was lying or if he was lying and he said that they had slept together once but that it was weird because she's like a sister to him. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he panicked and told me that he honestly thought he did.

 

I told him that I wanted time alone and asked him to leave. He was hugging me and told me he loved me and asked if I wanted to keep seeing him but I ran into my room. He got mad and said "I've been friends with her since high school and I'm never going to stop hanging out with her!" Even though I have stopped talking to a guy he had a problem with.

 

Was it wrong of me to cry and run away the way I did? Am I overreacting?

[KatZee]

Everyone is going to have a past and have past sexual partners. If you can't handle this, stay single.

 

The problem here is how he keeps all his past bang buddies around, why? I used to know a guy like this and he was a perpetual cheater. Everyone was always back burner material.

 

I also am confused why it's either of your business who either of you have hooked up with in the past. That's not something either of you should be swapping stories about

 

I'd also say that this "best friend" probably has underlying feelings and is trying to get under your skin, or between you two.

[doyathinkso]

I think you are right to be upset that he is that close with her.

 

What happens if one night when he's over at her place "helping her out" and they're a couple of drinks in ....Ooops! Oh look. We're screwing again. Not a word to my girlfriend about this, okay?

 

If your gut doesn't like this well, your gut is right.

[Satu]

In most cases, a persistent feeling of 'wrongness' about something is well-founded.

 

Red Flag.

 

 

Take care.

[smackie9]

You can fix this.....it's called setting boundaries. Nothing wrong with being friends forever, catching up once in awhile, wishing each other Merry Christmas. BUT when people find a SO, things should be adjusted as in how time/interaction is spent with the opposite sex in general. Tell him this relationship can't continue unless some boundaries are set, for example, no one on one date like meeting up, limit communication, drawing the line on flirting, or sexual conversations, talk of their sexual time together, etc. It's time for him to grow up and move forward. He needs to learn to be aware of your feelings and to respect them. He needs to understand what is and what isn't appropriate.

[Satu]

You can fix this.....it's called setting boundaries. Nothing wrong with being friends forever, catching up once in awhile, wishing each other Merry Christmas. BUT when people find a SO, things should be adjusted as in how time/interaction is spent with the opposite sex in general. Tell him this relationship can't continue unless some boundaries are set, for example, no one on one date like meeting up, limit communication, drawing the line on flirting, or sexual conversations, talk of their sexual time together, etc. It's time for him to grow up and move forward. He needs to learn to be aware of your feelings and to respect them. He needs to understand what is and what isn't appropriate.

 

Reposted for emphasis.

[Space Ritual]

Was it wrong of me to cry and run away the way I did? Am I overreacting?

 

You are not overreacting.

 

Your hopefully soon to be ex boyfriend keeps these girls around because he can. I would venture a guess he still bangs them on the side when you are not around.

 

We guys don't tend to keep a ton of girls around if we aren't getting something out of it.

 

Like the saying goes:

 

"Girls want a lot of things from one guy, and guys want one thing from a lot of girls".

 

That whole "I've been friends with her since High school" is a time honored gaslighting technique, loosely translated into "I've had a lot of sex with her since High school...who are you to tell me I can't still have sex with her?"

 

I find it amazing to this day the amount of torture people will put up with in a relationship.

 

So amaze yourself by getting rid of him, and please for your own sake, get an STD test. I highly doubt if he is throwing stuff like this in your face he is throwing a condom on.

 

Refuse to accept this treatment. No one deserves to be treated like that.

 

Good Luck.

[bachdude]

He sounds more interested in defending his right to hang out with her regularly than your feelings about all of this.

 

 

Consider this carefully.

[LD1990]

Wow, what a great boyfriend you have.

 

"Oh by the way, that girl we just had lunch with? Used to nail her."

"Hey my friend Sarah is going to come over today, no need to give her the tour, I've banged her in just about every room already."

 

True friendships between men and women (meaning friendships without sexual ulterior motives) are extremely rare. Your boyfriend doesn't have female friends, he has a roster of women he used to screw and quite possibly still does.

[Alamo657]

Women and men cannot be true friends after they have banged each others.

[gulfball]

Thank you so much for the honest and insightful responses everyone. He just came over to see if I was alright and to reassure me that there is absolutely nothing going on between them.

 

I'm just having a harder time with this ex hookup for some reason. She was a couple grades above me in high school and her younger sister (in my grade) used to make fun of me and my friends so I guess I'm even more biased against her.

 

I also thought it was weird that at that same party, she invited 4 or 5 other guys who apparently had "cute little crushes on her." It was like she invited them all to her party to see how they'd interact and to boost her own ego.

 

She has also made out with my friend's boyfriend in the past and my friend has asked her boyfriend to stop hanging out with her. He agreed to it.

[smackie9]

Have that talk with him......

[aileD]

Over the past year, my boyfriend has introduced me to a few girls he has had sex with. He usually tells me before or soon after I meet them. It's hard to interact with them but I like that he's honest with me.

 

I've always had a weird feeling about his best girlfriend. When I met her she drunkenly laughed and said that she and my boyfriend go "waaaay back". Then she leaned in and told me that they hooked up a long time ago and that she was his first kiss. When I asked my boyfriend if he's ever had a thing with her he said "oh well we made out once." I chose to believe my boyfriend despite this nagging feeling that she was telling me the truth.

 

Fast forward to a year after countless times of them hanging out one on one and him performing all of these hard tasks for her the second she asks. He bends backwards for her, spends time with her and her dad, and wears hats that her dad gave her.

 

I finally asked if she was lying or if he was lying and he said that they had slept together once but that it was weird because she's like a sister to him. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he panicked and told me that he honestly thought he did.

 

I told him that I wanted time alone and asked him to leave. He was hugging me and told me he loved me and asked if I wanted to keep seeing him but I ran into my room. He got mad and said "I've been friends with her since high school and I'm never going to stop hanging out with her!" Even though I have stopped talking to a guy he had a problem with.

 

Was it wrong of me to cry and run away the way I did? Am I overreacting?

 

 

How long ago was it?

 

Same thing happened to me in HS. My best friend was a guy. I always had a boyfriend. When we broke up, me and best friend had sex once.

 

It was weird and we agreed it wasn't for us, that we felt more like family then friends/lovers. And we never did. He's like a brother to me now.

 

How do they act together now ?

[LargoLagg]

It sounds like the both of you need to grow up a little.

 

Him:

 

Gulfball, I'd like you to meet Cornelia, I banged her a while back. And this is Susie, she and I used to dance the horizontal mambo. And this is my old friend BooBoo, she gives the best BJ's! Well, almost, this is Daisy Mae, she's really the best!

 

 

You:

 

OMG! You're giving her so much attention! OMG! You spend one-on-one time with your childhood friend WHO IS A GIRL IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED! OMG! You're wearing the hat her dad gave you! OMG! You lied to me a year ago!

 

Don't worry, one day, it will seem like the waste of energy it is, and your life will become much better.

[sandylee1]

Why is it okay for him to be friends with his Ex and not for you to keep a guy friend?

[Karma24]

Shouldn't your boyfriend's best friend be...you?

[VeveCakes]

Boundaries and respect are missing here.

 

Why is he so into her family and doing things with her? Does he have his own family support system.

 

I see this a lot. Guy dates a girl when he doesnt have the best family structure, and becomes close with the girls. After breakup, they can't handle the loss of the family, so they try and maintain ties. Could this be happening?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sorry, I seem to be stuck on the very first sentence where you tell us that your boyfriend has introduced you to women he's had sex with and told you either before or soon after...

 

Is he 'friends' with all these women? Why are you interacting with these women in the first place? How many have you met?

 

I can see how you might see his transparency endearing initially however it seems a bit odd that he's still interacting with these women to the point where he's introducing you to them and then telling you about his past with them...yet chose to omit that little factoid with who is supposed to be his 'best friend'.

 

Is it just me of does anyone else think this is odd?

[eightytwenty]

I don't date guys lots of girl friends, nor ones that keep ex's around.

 

 

It's very rare for opposites sexes to be friends without the chance of sex, let alone ex's. I would past, esp if he's defending their relationship and not yours.

[central]

I've stayed good friends with some past lovers, a couple for 40 years. We're not together because we were romantically incompatible, but had all the makings of a great friendship. That has turned out to be true, and consistent, no matter who else has come and gone in my life. My wonderful - and romantically highly compatible! - wife has met all of them (except one who now lives in Dubai), and has become friends with most of them as well. There is no reason for concern or jealousy - we can all respect boundaries and all have integrity.

[smackie9]

Op did a post and dash...................

[gulfball]

I'm so sorry everyone, it's been a rough week. I'll respond to everyone's questions now. Thank you again, all of you, for responding to my post. You're my life savers.

[gulfball]

Ok so here are my answers to some of your questions, in case anyone is still curious.

 

how long ago was it? He said 5 or 6 years.

 

how do they act together now? She calls him "boo" and rubs his face endearingly when she sees him. They take pictures of each other and they spend whole days together alone. They like to swap dating and hook up stories, I guess. Before me, my boyfriend had never been in a real relationship so they have plenty of hook up stories to share. She's never been in a relationship until about 6 months ago either.

 

why is he so into her family? It's a good point that he could be missing something from his own family life because his dad moved away when he was in high school. He likes her dad because they can talk about cars and motorcycles together and he's always saying "her dad is the coolest guy!"

 

Is he 'friends' with all these women? Why are you interacting with these women in the first place? How many have you met? Yeah he's casual friends with them, meaning that he only sees them at parties because he shares friends with them. It's always seemed kind of weird to me that he's slept with so many girls in his friend circles, but maybe I'm just old fashioned. He also stays in touch with a lot of his ex hookups on Facebook and snapchat and things, which pisses me off, but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and getting upset over something normal. For me, I cut ties with all my exes straight after the breakup, so this is all foreign to me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm more of a committed relationship type person and he's more of a casual hookup with friends type of person?

[gulfball]

In response to Karma24: So true I've always wanted to be the best friend of the guys I date but they always seem to have an old friend who's a girl who claims that title...weird coincidence?

[Space Ritual]

In response to Karma24: So true I've always wanted to be the best friend of the guys I date but they always seem to have an old friend who's a girl who claims that title...weird coincidence?

 

It is only coincidence because you allow it to be.

 

 

The boundary between lover and best friend should always remain a boundary in any relationship. I never could consider the same person as both.

 

Really, I was never best friends with any of my lovers. They were my lover, not my friend. I don't want friendships with my lovers, as my friends are my confidants, and my lovers are my lovers.

 

Best friends will advise you based on what they think is solely in your best interest. A lover who you consider your best friend will always advise you from a position of how a decision will directly affect them, and your best interest will at the end of the day take a back seat to theirs, simply by the nature of being thrust into the position of lover/best friend.. So in essence my opinion is that

 

People tend to want to merge the two, with mixed results. Because if you are having a relationship issue, can you really feel safe bouncing compromise scenarios with your best friend if your best friend is also your partner? The two must remain separate, in my opinion.

 

I trust that was as clear as mud, lol. It is simply my opinion due to my experience over the course of my life. So with any advise here, take what you need and leave the rest.

 

 

I still think you are settling here. I still advise you to get rid of him.