Told my wife of 9.5 years that I want a divorce

[justastatistic]

Just a few observations...

 

1. Is your wife in therapy/IC? Those issues stemming from being raped are not just going to go away on their own.

 

2. Just because you can see the text messages on your computer does not mean she is not communicating with someone. Those text messages are only for the messaging service the cell phone provider installs when you buy the phone. There are literally dozens of other ways to text/message others that will not show up on your providers website in any way other than data usage. Cheaters use apps like Whatsapp, Telegram, snapchat, facebook and instagram, but there are literally dozens of others.

 

3. Stop being childish in your behavior towards your wife, it's pointless and serves no purpose regardless of whether you stay together or not. Giving her the cold shoulder, saying "No" and just walking away when she asks if you want to watch a show with her...these things just make things more difficult for everyone, including you. If you reach a point where you will divorce regardless of whatever she does or not do, then you limit your discussions to the kids and finances.

 

4. The next time you find her phone locked with a different password, ask her for the password then and there, then open it and check for hidden messaging apps, facebook messages, instagram, etc. If she refuses to let you look through it immediately, giving her back her phone, walk away and get a divorce.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, its strange that she really has nothing to hide but insists on hiding. I just can't have that.

 

40SG, people lie to protect things important to them. And if you're the one being lied to, this means those things - or people - are more important than you. Your wife has one foot in your marriage and the other somewhere else.

 

I'd quit playing detective and act on what you know now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Things have been better and she has been sweet-sie with me. But there is one major issue that she just will not seem to comply with. When she cheated and got caught she promised that I could look in her phone whenever I wanted. Of course, I know she can delete things like anyone so snooping is not really the reason I have consistently required her to not change her phone password without me knowing it. Sunday at breakfast it looked like she changed her password. Said that she did cuz our little one actually went into her phone after he saw it. But she never told me she did this and I was upset. She showed me the password and I told her that this is the most avoidable issue and just don't change it without me knowing and in turn I wont have the need to care what's in it. Couples who make it don't seem to have to hide things. No issues in the next few days until last night I come home from work and see her phone on the counter. I check to make sure the password has not changed and low and behold...it did. gave her a lot of cold shoulder last night. She was asking 'honey do you want to watch this show with me' and I simply said 'no' and walked away. She was confused when she woke up to an empty bed as I crashed last night in the spare bedroom.

 

 

So, what would the true man do here? I am afraid I know the answer. I want to grow but this issue will keep us from that and I am tired of her causing conflicts like this for no reason and they don't need to happen. But I will not allow the same conditions that allowed her to cheat in the first place. She clearly is not respecting me.

 

You are right, she isn't respecting you. At this point it doesn't matter if she is communicating with someone or not - she is unwilling to do as you ask and she's lying about being honest.

 

She is causing conflict and she knows it.

 

Stop avoiding her - be honest about how you feel about her deception.

 

Since she's not being honest you have a decision to make knowing full well she's not willing to be honest and the M can't be repaired when she participates this way.

 

You seriously have nothing to work with since this is how she behaves.

 

She doesn't respect you and she's dishonest. Nothing can help you when it's this way.

[Jersey born raised]

I think your thread is missing an important element: her sexual preference. If I recall she is inclined to being sexually submissive with a desire for S&M. I also recall you are put off by this. In short oil snd vinegar.

 

Subs don't intiitate from what I understand. Has this aspect been explored in MC or IC?

 

Also you are cutting her loose to find a nee master with her kids in TOW.

[Popsicle]

You're scared of divorce. Specifically in this case, lawyers fees.

 

So she's got you and can do whatever she wants. You're not really going anywhere.

[Jersey born raised]

With holding the phone, is it possible that is a form of initiating? That she us hoping you will punish her?

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

I tried to talk to her about how I am bothered that she will never initiate sex and when I do she seems to try to avoid it but when she does she just doesn't get into it and it seems like a chore. Weird thing is that I can usually get her to O.

 

This is just a side note for background info, but orgasms are a physiological reflex to stimuli.

 

Yes there is a mental and an emotional component to sexuality and a person's comfort and attraction will obviously affect their arousal and such, but biologically speaking, an orgasm is a response to physical stimuli.

 

Rape victims have experienced orgasms during their attack. Heterosexual men have gotten wild hairs and tried out BJ and HJs and such from other men and have experienced orgasms. Millions of women throughout the world are married to fat, hairy, gross dudes with bad teeth and BO and have had orgasms when they put out their monthly duty sex.

 

If you rub someone's genitalia the right way for long enough time, they will experience an orgasm whether they are truly attracted to you or not.

 

My point here is don't let the fact that can achieve orgasm with your body as a confirmation that she is into you sexually.

[oldshirt]

[

 

At any rate a couple weeks ago I emailed her my concerns and got nothing. This morning we locked the door to have sex and she was just starting off. I stopped and said, 'you just are not into me.' She said, 'I care about you.' I said you are not 'in love' with me. She said, ' I always wanted to be a mother but not necessarily a wife.'

 

 

I left the house and then returned to shower (since I plan to leave the house for the day and maybe to a hotel). As I got out of the shower she said, 'I want this to work. You have always been my best friend and have always been by my side.' I told her I still want a divorce as I need more and being your support and stability doesn't cut it for me.

 

 

I think that is fair.

 

You have an obligation to support your children and provide them love and nurturing and support etc etc so it is important that you and she have a good coparenting plan and are cooperative coparents.

 

And if you do split, it is in everyone's interest that it be fair and equitable and as little drama and as little hurting of each other as possible.

 

But I do think that people have a right to seek a partner that loves and desires them and wants to be with them for more than just a paycheck and someone that helps haul kids to soccer games and kills spiders in the house.

 

IMHO a dissatisfied spouse is obligated to continue to love and support their children and are obligated to make the dissolution as fair, equitable and pain free as possible.

 

But I do not believe anyone is obligated for life to support and provide comfort and resources for someone who does not love and desire them.

 

Some people are ok with that and are ok with staying with someone because they are a good roommate.

 

I would not be and I will not stand in judgement of someone who wants more out of a marriage. If someone (man or woman) is not satisfied with a good roommate and child-rearing partner and wants to severe the marital ties and search for a full-service spouse and partner, I understand fully and do not feel it is any kind of sin, shame, wrong-doing or foul, as long as they maintain love, guidance and support of their children and are as compassionate and fair as possible in the divorce.

[BluesPower]

This is such a good post. It summarizes how for what ever reason when one spouse loses interest, honest to god, the other one is just not required to stay.

 

This, in a way, just nails my situation in a nutshell. I will not be a paycheck anymore for any woman. This is why wifey is just gone in a few weeks.

 

There are just too many women out there that know how to treat a man.

 

I am actually meeting 2 tonight. We will see who the lucky winner is.

[Mr. Lucky]

This, in a way, just nails my situation in a nutshell. I will not be a paycheck anymore for any woman. This is why wifey is just gone in a few weeks.

 

There are just too many women out there that know how to treat a man.

 

I am actually meeting 2 tonight. We will see who the lucky winner is.

 

BP, seems backwards.

 

Isn't it cleaner and less complicated if you handle the end of marriage details before you start dating?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Lucky, you may be right but really who knows.

 

I mean, man I am 52, and I am just not going to waste time. I enjoy women in general, so if they want to hang out, that is just cool with me.

 

My marriage is done, it is only a matter of time and paperwork. She had her chance and frankly blew it. I gave her 26 year and she wasted it. So, from now on, for me it is about living life.

[fireflywy]

Sorry to hear that you're going through this.

 

You had asked what a man would do in this situation and before I answer I will say a few things.

 

1. In you not leaving, and her not stopping the affair of her OWN volition (only ended when OM ended it) you basically gave her a blank check to continue on as she does without repercussion. Sure you check her phone and emails but she is doing this as a concession for you accepting her to continue the relationship.

 

2. Because you keep her and she knows she's able to emotionally blackmail you with sweetness and false pleadings of friendship and wanting to be with you, sex has most likely become a maintenance act for her as another concession. Because she was flabbergasted at the OM when she saw him and decided, for all her pleading about how special you are, to cheat anyway, she is probably not attracted to you like she SHOULD BE to keep herself from straying. She may not be doing it now but it will most likely happen again.

 

3. Your acceptance of her actions and pleadings for her to initiate sex probably give you decreased value in her eyes which also reduces her urges toward you. This may fluctuate a bit given what you do but it will never return to pre affair levels.

 

Now, with that said, don't you EVER look down on yourself and think there is something lacking in you which caused her to initially stray. That is 100% on her and her own internal messiness and wiring. Dont hope that "If i just did this.." or "If we go to counseling here..." that you can somehow fix things and fill the trust you once had that she broke or do it to rebuilld your lost pride and confidence. She cant do that. Furthermore if she's begun to have even more messed up views of your declining worth then you can salvage your OWN dignity as man and leave her.

 

It sucks to think of and consider and it hurts so much when the other person leaves us with no other option, but this battle for your marriage and playing NSA and negotiating for intimacy is done and was over long ago with her infidelity.

 

You should salvage what you can of yourself, stop being used as a security, reject her behavior, and saddle up for the long and hard ride out of Dodge. Just remember that when you do finally decide to ride out of town, that you are doing it for yourself and not as a means of leveraging her to fight harder or come back. That gunfight is over, you took a few in the chest, but you're still standing and can still get out to something better.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. If she is one of those really attractive women who you may be hung up on and thus afraid to lose.... she isn't worth this despair.

 

P.S.S. Don't ever think you're not growing.

Edited January 12, 2017 by fireflywy