Husband admitted affair, "loves" her and me too, can't be married anymore

[Kamikazeed]

I am new here. My husband of 8 years and father of our 2 children, 6 and 3, woke me at 2am the night after Thanksgiving to admit to his affair. Actually, he just said he had to tell me something then sat there all dumbfounded quiet while I extrapolated the truth from him. I've always been the stronger of the two of us, and now he says he feels "brace" and "couldn't help himself" with this woman at work and "loves" her like he loves me. We have been together through everything for 12 years. I know I can't compete with those new relationship feelings, and I explained that I understand that people make mistakes and offered counseling and space under the condition that he go NC with her and find a new job. I make more money than him anyway so we could afford for him to take his time finding a new job and working on our marriage.

 

We still had plenty of good sex. We still dated, although I always initiated it. We played and danced and did jiu jitsu together and had fun with our kids. We just bought an awesome home with a fabulous yard and a basement apartment for his mother. I thought we had it all. We were happy. Why would he f*** it up out of nowhere? This isn't the person I married. New flashy Jeep, weird shoes and loud socks, change in music preferences. I kind of saw the signs but trusted him implicitly and completely. I don't know how I'll ever trust like that again.

 

I am at the end of HIS weekend with the kids, and the fact that that is now a thing is r rally messing with my head. Since conception, those babies have not been away from me for more than a few days a year. Now my new Norma will include losing every other weekend with them?!? I know life isn't fair, but this IS NOT FAIR. I was a good wife to him. Fun, silly, sexy, fit, successful, engaged, active. I don't deserve this.

 

I have hired a lawyer since he refuses to go MC with her and says he knows there is no point in marriage bc one of us will eventually cheat anyway. Full disclosure: 12 years ago, when we first started dating and I was leaving my wild college life behind me, I cheated on him. That was four years before our marriage. He says he thinks about it every day and is using it as a reason to make this my fault. I told him that what I learned by doing that 12 years ago was that I would NEVER hurt him like that again, and despite many opportunities, I haven't. I told him I would help him learn to make that choice too and save our family. He won't have it.

 

Right now he's playing the perfect dad and son role for his Facebook friends and to savage some bit of respect from his family. My friend is keeping a watch on his SnapChat count, and he's steadily building in those numbers. He got SnapChat and never friended me on it, btw, when he began the EA with the coworker. He has since slept with her at least four times and probably more since I've kicked him into the basement. His clothes are down there anyway. I don't know where he's sleeping. One night he says he slept in a parking lot. I'm sure he has spent the night with her. He shows up in the mornings to take the kids to school, but who knows how long that will last? He's always been the kind of guy that goes full force into something then starts smoking more pot and let's all his energy fall away.

 

I need advice and help and courage and levity, and I've read tons of threads here and know this community had the insight I need from all perspectives. Thank you for whatever you can offer me.

[NTV]

First, I'm sorry to hear all this. I've been there and know just how soul crushing it is.

 

In fact I had a pre marriage thing like you that my wife tried to throw in my face too. It's bull****. That's him deflecting blame. "Blameshifting" is the term if you want to look into it.

 

It's easy to fall into situational depression right now, so be careful. If you start having destructive thoughts see a doctor right away. Heck they make antidepressants just for crap like this. No shame in it at all if it's needed.

 

Second, despite all the support from online from family and from friends I still felt alone. That's normal. What really helped me the most was a journal. Sounds fishy I know but it's the truth.

 

More folks will come with more advice. .. probably better than mine lol. But know this.... There is nothing wrong with you. Any guy would be lucky to be your husband. Hell, I wish my wife was more like you and I don't even know you.

[WilyWill]

Lawyering up is good. Proceed with a divorce--it can be stopped any time, if he finally comes to his senses and grows up. Let him feel the burn of losing you. No more heart-to-heart conversations. 180 hard. You talk about logistics and the kids only. You go out with friends and he need not know where you're going or who you're going with. Start exercising and dressing prettier.

[BTDT2012]

He has since slept with her at least four times and probably more since I've kicked him into the basement.

 

Can you get him completely out of the house? Don't put up with this. Does she have a husband? Tell his family if they don't know.

[Kamikazeed]

NTV, Thank you. I teach English actually (despite the many errors in my original post - I was very upset this morning), and I think journaling would be an excellent way to cope.

 

WilyWill, as hard as that is and as many times as I've typed long text messages, etc., you are right about the 180. I have done that this weekend. I work out a good bit too, and I am going to reintroduce yoga to my routine to help calm my nerves. I feel like I'm on fire. My nerve endings are raging, and I know I'm not breathing enough. Working to fix it.

 

BDT2012, I can't legally kick him out until the divorce is final. We also haven't told the kids yet, so this is kind of like a stepping stone to him being gone completely. He is supposed to be fixing up the basement so I can rent it out once he's gone. I can afford the house and his Jeep but will need some income to keep our lifestyle the same. The sad reality is he won't be able to afford to live alone and pay child support and for the new Jeep OR his cheaper leased car and everything else, so although he swears he won't, I know he'll end up living with the OW before long. He takes the path of least resistance, and once he's there, I'm sure he'll stay no matter how terrible it is. He'll just start smoking a lot of pot again.

[Kamikazeed]

Also, her husband killed himself 10 years ago and left her with two kids. That's all I know about her besides her first name and that they work together.

[BTDT2012]

BDT2012, I can't legally kick him out until the divorce is final. We also haven't told the kids yet, so this is kind of like a stepping stone to him being gone completely. He is supposed to be fixing up the basement so I can rent it out once he's gone. I can afford the house and his Jeep but will need some income to keep our lifestyle the same. The sad reality is he won't be able to afford to live alone and pay child support and for the new Jeep OR his cheaper leased car and everything else, so although he swears he won't, I know he'll end up living with the OW before long. He takes the path of least resistance, and once he's there, I'm sure he'll stay no matter how terrible it is. He'll just start smoking a lot of pot again.

 

I'm sure the OW will tire of him quickly when he becomes a drain on her resources. 180 him for your own sanity.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There is a big difference in a wayward spouse confessing and saying they are sorry and want to stay married....and a wayward spouse who confesses and then tells you they are in love with someone else and don't want to be married to you anymore.

 

This scenario leaves you no choice but to proceed with a divorce....even if you wanted to try to save the marriage...you cannot do it alone....and quite honestly...there is nothing to save.

 

I think it is very smart of you to get a lawyer...and i would certainly proceed with the divorce. You can always change your mind later...or you can go through with it....and sometime down the road he may come to his senses and want you back. You would of course have the upper hand and can decide what is best for you.

 

I have no divorce experience...so I really am not the person to advise you.

 

I just wanted to say best of luck to you...and stay strong when he comes crawling back....only take him back if it really is what you want and what is best for you. At this point....i think he has cooked his goose....let her have him...they probably deserve each other.

[NTV]

A fit, yoga master, teacher who is willing to wear costumes? I think that you have no idea how high your dating value is right now on the open market lol. (Forgive the poor analogy).

 

Either way when the self doubt comes (and it will) just remember that it wasn't you. You can't control a person like that. It was his choice and that choice is part of his life's journey. Yeah he convinced you that you would be journeying together. I've been down that rabbit hole too.

 

And don't sweat being upset for a second. I've been there. It's like every 15 mins a different intense emotion. On my good days I said there were a million broken pieces of myself laying on the floor. The bad ones I was a puddle. The emotional devastation caused by cheating always seems downplayed. Folks don't really understand unless they've been there.

 

It does get better though. The pain doesn't last forever. Even if the intensity feels unbearable.... idk... for me I had to keep in mind that I was demonstrating to my kids how to deal when life drops a nuclear poop bomb on you.

 

I wouldn't waste another thought on the other girl. She sounds crazy and...well... never let the crazy in. You can't help hurt or understand her. She will never understand you. She is poison to you right now. If she has any worth you won't be able to see it through the pain she helped cause.

 

I would also suggest latching onto a mantra. For me it was 'my love didn't stop you from cheating and it won't stop me from divorcing you because of it'. Not sure that'll work for you but you get the idea.

 

Just the thoughts of a stranger on the Internet. Anyways, I'll be around here if you need me.

[Kamikazeed]

A fit, yoga master, teacher who is willing to wear costumes? I think that you have no idea how high your dating value is right now on the open market lol. (Forgive the poor analogy).

 

Either way when the self doubt comes (and it will) just remember that it wasn't you. You can't control a person like that. It was his choice and that choice is part of his life's journey. Yeah he convinced you that you would be journeying together. I've been down that rabbit hole too.

 

And don't sweat being upset for a second. I've been there. It's like every 15 mins a different intense emotion. On my good days I said there were a million broken pieces of myself laying on the floor. The bad ones I was a puddle. The emotional devastation caused by cheating always seems downplayed. Folks don't really understand unless they've been there.

 

It does get better though. The pain doesn't last forever. Even if the intensity feels unbearable.... idk... for me I had to keep in mind that I was demonstrating to my kids how to deal when life drops a nuclear poop bomb on you.

 

I wouldn't waste another thought on the other girl. She sounds crazy and...well... never let the crazy in. You can't help hurt or understand her. She will never understand you. She is poison to you right now. If she has any worth you won't be able to see it through the pain she helped cause.

 

I would also suggest latching onto a mantra. For me it was 'my love didn't stop you from cheating and it won't stop me from divorcing you because of it'. Not sure that'll work for you but you get the idea.

 

Just the thoughts of a stranger on the Internet. Anyways, I'll be around here if you need me.

haha thanks. I spent the first few days wondering how he could give up a successful woman who birthed his children, has three degrees, teaches without a planning period for extra money since he doesn't make much, and stays in good shape for some chick at his dead-end company. I guess rationality doesn't play into it though. Neither does loyalty.

 

He found out his mom was cheating n his dad when he was in 8th grade and knew about it for a few years before his dad found out. It has messed with his head forever, and now he claims that because he knows he's capable of this, he can't be married. That's bull**** though, because he's dating this OW and building a new life with her. He's devolving and needs counseling, but the one time he went all he heard the therapist say was he wasn't an alpha and needed to be a man about this. That's when he told me he was leaving me for her.

 

I don't want him back, to be honest. He was fun and funny and we played and whatever, but usually it was me doing most of the work on our marriage, on our house, on my education, on getting our lives right for our kids. If I can do 80%, I can do 100%. I worry about them though. My son has recently been diagnosed with seizure disorder, and the meds we've been working through have crazy side effects, and he needs stability. So does my daughter. I know if she were me right now, I'd tell her to leave him to his own downward spiral and move on, and I will model that behavior. Atill sucks though. I thought we were building a future. A good one. He is "so sorry" he "kamikazeed our future", hence the username. Ugh, are there people out there who are actually good to each other?

[oldshirt]

There is nothing you really can do except divorce him and build a new life without him.

 

Hire a lawyer and do what the lawyer says in regards to getting him out of the house and getting the best settlement you can.

 

He is still involved with her and has no intention of stopping so there really isn't anything else you can do.

[oldshirt]

If I can do 80%, I can do 100%.

 

 

That is brilliant and a great way to look at this.

 

Was the 20% that he did do by your direction?

[Kamikazeed]

That is brilliant and a great way to look at this.

 

Was the 20% that he did do by your direction?

For the first several years, yes. Over time, he started carrying more weight. We grew up together. We've been together since I was 19.

[oldshirt]

but the one time he went all he heard the therapist say was he wasn't an alpha and needed to be a man about this. ?

 

What on earth was that supposed to mean?

 

What was the therapist talking about and what was that supposed to mean.

[Aliceislost]

haha thanks. I spent the first few days wondering how he could give up a successful woman who birthed his children, has three degrees, teaches without a planning period for extra money since he doesn't make much, and stays in good shape for some chick at his dead-end company. I guess rationality doesn't play into it though. Neither does loyalty.

 

He found out his mom was cheating n his dad when he was in 8th grade and knew about it for a few years before his dad found out. It has messed with his head forever, and now he claims that because he knows he's capable of this, he can't be married. That's bull**** though, because he's dating this OW and building a new life with her. He's devolving and needs counseling, but the one time he went all he heard the therapist say was he wasn't an alpha and needed to be a man about this. That's when he told me he was leaving me for her.

 

I don't want him back, to be honest. He was fun and funny and we played and whatever, but usually it was me doing most of the work on our marriage, on our house, on my education, on getting our lives right for our kids. If I can do 80%, I can do 100%. I worry about them though. My son has recently been diagnosed with seizure disorder, and the meds we've been working through have crazy side effects, and he needs stability. So does my daughter. I know if she were me right now, I'd tell her to leave him to his own downward spiral and move on, and I will model that behavior. Atill sucks though. I thought we were building a future. A good one. He is "so sorry" he "kamikazeed our future", hence the username. Ugh, are there people out there who are actually good to each other?

 

Your H is wrong to have an A. Period

 

But the bolded part really bothers me. Because in your previous posts, you have explicitly pointed out multiple times that he was a low earner and far below you. Did he ever feel this was causing an imbalance in the relationship, adding resentments?

[Kamikazeed]

Your H is wrong to have an A. Period

 

But the bolded part really bothers me. Because in your previous posts, you have explicitly pointed out multiple times that he was a low earner and far below you. Did he ever feel this was causing an imbalance in the relationship, adding resentments?

I do think that's a part of it. I always supported him though in everything. It's his fault he didn't seek success himself.

[burnt]

Your husband was in 8th grade--very young, just a child, when he found out that his mother cheated on his father. This was a trauma for him.

 

Then you cheated on him right at the start of your relationship with him. You brought about his worst fear to reality and made him experience what he saw his father experience after his wife's cheating. This was a second layer trauma.

 

From everything you have written in your posts, it sounds like you are the ALPHA male in this marriage, with MORE money, MORE credential, MORE power, MORE freedom, MORE worthy as a person.

 

Typically for most women that get cheated on by their husbands, their initial posts are filled with nothing but shattered self-esteem and self-doubt. Yours seem to be filled with self-elevating statements about how much better you are and have always been compared to your husband.

 

You describe yourself as sexy, successful, fit, truly accomplished, super wife, super mom--the ultimate prize. You describe your husband as a pot user, poor insecure job, weak, and essentially a complete loser.

 

Please ask yourself if your husband has ever felt respected or emotionally safe around you in your marriage.

 

He cheated with someone whose husband committed suicide. My guess is that he has bonded with the emotional vulnerability of this OW and trusts her more than has ever been able to trust you.

 

With all due respect, how can you possibly expect a marriage to last when it started off with broken trust and such heartbreaking disrespect on your part?

 

With all due respect, if you had learned anything from YOUR cheating, then you would have spent the years repenting for your betrayal, not self-elevating yourself and putting your husband down.

 

I wish you all the best in moving on with your life.

But, despite his cheating on you, more than anything else, I wish your husband a chance to finally be with someone who can respect him and someone who he can trust. Your husband deserves to be loved respected.

 

You husband is human. He was traumatized by his own mother's cheating and then betrayed by you years ago and it sounds like your super self image has nothing but degraded whatever self respect that he had left in him. I will save my compassion for this man.

[oldshirt]

haha thanks. I spent the first few days wondering how he could give up a successful woman who birthed his children, has three degrees, teaches without a planning period for extra money since he doesn't make much, and stays in good shape for some chick at his dead-end company. I guess rationality doesn't play into it.

 

 

He was fun and funny and we played and whatever, but usually it was me doing most of the work on our marriage, on our house, on my education, on getting our lives right for our kids.

 

?

 

This is really pretty simple - you grew up and he didn't.

 

You are assuming that he will want the same qualities and characteristics in a partner that you would want. That is a false assumption. He has a completely different standard and scale than you.

 

He likely digs this chick because she is 'chill' and easy going and laid back and isn't always riding his a$$ about things like bills and Dr's appaointments and responsibilities and other things that are a drag.

 

You grew up and he didn't so now you are more like a parent.

 

They have a saying at Chumplady dot com that says - "trust that they suck."

 

What that means is always have faith that he is always going to do the self-serving, and selfish thing and that their rational is not built on anything that you are doing wrong or not doing right.

 

Trust that the reason he is cheating due to his own shortcomings and character flaws and that the other is just giving him some kibbles and sparkles and stroking his ego and not because she is in any way "better" than you.

 

You can't fight this as a battle and hope to win because there is nothing to be won here except an irresponsible, cheating pothead who prefers lesser women who ask nothing of him.

 

You can't work with that.

 

Your only option here is to get away from him with as much of the marital assets as you possibly can and hope that he doesn't neglect the children to the point of doing them any harm when he has them.

[Aliceislost]

I do think that's a part of it. I always supported him though in everything. It's his fault he didn't seek success himself.

 

As I have said, the A lies on your H.

 

But the way you are talking about him it sounds like you feel your H should have been grateful that he had a trophy wife at his arms. Never have I seen any hint of emotion or there were feelings you had of any sort for your H. Sorry to say, but you talk about him like a sperm donor and not more. You don't seem much bothered about losing him.

 

I was left by my H for another woman and let me tell you, it hurt! Those shattered dreams!

 

I am sorry if I am wrong but if that is the case, I really don't see why you are finding fault regardless how your H left? You should be glad you can meet the man that matches you in terms of stature

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[BoaConstrictor]

I do think that's a part of it. I always supported him though in everything. It's his fault he didn't seek success himself.

 

How do you define success? Is it solely money based?

 

It's clear you don't respect your husband, though it's hard to see the degree to which this attitude comes from the affair. In other words, did you speak of him in such negative terms before you found out about the affair? Did you see him as a loser? Because that's how it comes across here.

[elaine567]

The OP is angry, as well she may be. She feels she has put 100% into this marriage and he has just thrown it all away and for what?

 

BSs are not all about being crushed to the ground, weeping uncontrollably and begging - some are very angry indeed.

[goodyblue]

I agree the affair is on him, but unlike other posters here I feel the things leading up to the affair are just as significant.

 

I was OW. My h left his ex for me. We have been in a happy relationship for quite some time.

 

My h felt like his ex had no respect for him and stayed for the money. He didn't want to leave until his daughter was raised.

 

The biggest thing that keeps us happy is that he is loving to me and I am respectful to him. Whether you admit it or not it is a big deal.

 

The way you talk about your h is awful. your speech is filled with contempt and nobody wants to live like that. People compare looks between wives and OW but what should be compared is treatment. I build him up every day. I did during our affair and I do now.

 

I am a chubby redhead and he wants me because to me he is a super stud. I don't treat him like scum on my shoe.

 

You really need to think about that.

Edited December 12, 2016 by goodyblue

[goodyblue]

The OP is angry, as well she may be. She feels she has put 100% into this marriage and he has just thrown it all away and for what?

 

BSs are not all about being crushed to the ground, weeping uncontrollably and begging - some are very angry indeed.

 

I agree with this but in her description of him in more than one post she acts like she is a goddess in all ways and he is a loser. If she feels that way that is fine, she should divorce.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Does it truly matter who is to blame at this point? The marriage is over. Divorce move on...learn from your mistakes.

 

The husband is in love with another woman.....end of story. Analyzing why at this point will save nothing.

 

I think both people benefit from therapy and soul searching to improve themselves as individuals. But picking apart this relationship and placing blame fixes nothing.

 

The op came here looking for advice...but I am not sure how advice is going to help either. She has seen a lawyer...her husband is moving on in a relationship without her.

 

Maybe she needs advice on how to deal with her divorce?

[Kamikazeed]

Your H is wrong to have an A. Period

 

But the bolded part really bothers me. Because in your previous posts, you have explicitly pointed out multiple times that he was a low earner and far below you. Did he ever feel this was causing an imbalance in the relationship, adding resentments?

I'm sure that was a part of it, although I never brought up the disparity or even really thought about it until D-Day. After our first child was born, he stayed home and did **** jobs and felt like a failure but it was better than paying for daycare. After our daughter was born, I stayed home and tutored and got my third degree, then went back to work making a lot more money than before. We finally had enough to be both stable and a little frivolous,so I took on a fourth class to cover our frivolousness, and that's when he started the affair at work. He hated his job, and I encouraged him to find another but he wouldn't. I guess I know why now.