Husband admitted affair, "loves" her and me too, can't be married anymore

[Kamikazeed]

Does it truly matter who is to blame at this point? The marriage is over. Divorce move on...learn from your mistakes.

 

The husband is in love with another woman.....end of story. Analyzing why at this point will save nothing.

 

I think both people benefit from therapy and soul searching to improve themselves as individuals. But picking apart this relationship and placing blame fixes nothing.

 

The op came here looking for advice...but I am not sure how advice is going to help either. She has seen a lawyer...her husband is moving on in a relationship without her.

 

Maybe she needs advice on how to deal with her divorce?

I probably sound pretty pompous right now. I'm trying to move on.

[oldshirt]

it's a waste of time for any of us to point fingers and lay blame and Kamikazeed and her H are just going to point fingers at each other anyway.

 

But here is the bottom line - in order for a marriage to be happy and healthy the husband must love and cherish the W and put her above all others and the W must respect and admire the H.

 

None of that is taking place here. They are mismatched. They are not compatible as a functional married unit.

 

she can't respect and admire him if he isn't as ambitious and motivated and successful as she expects and she can not desire him if she doesn't respect him.

 

And he can't love and cherish her if she does not respect and desire him.

 

The options here are either

 

-one of them sucks it and settles for a life of misery and chronic satisfaction and despair.

 

- one of them transforms into a different person and hope the other likes them.

 

- reach a fair and equitable divorce settlement and coparenting plan and each moves on with their life and hopefully finds someone their own speed and who is compatible.

[goodyblue]

it's a waste of time for any of us to point fingers and lay blame and Kamikazeed and her H are just going to point fingers at each other anyway.

 

But here is the bottom line - in order for a marriage to be happy and healthy the husband must love and cherish the W and put her above all others and the W must respect and admire the H.

 

None of that is taking place here. They are mismatched. They are not compatible as a functional married unit.

 

she can't respect and admire him if he isn't as ambitious and motivated and successful as she expects and she can not desire him if she doesn't respect him.

 

And he can't love and cherish her if she does not respect and desire him.

 

The options here are either

 

-one of them sucks it and settles for a life of misery and chronic satisfaction and despair.

 

- one of them transforms into a different person and hope the other likes them.

 

- reach a fair and equitable divorce settlement and coparenting plan and each moves on with their life and hopefully finds someone their own speed and who is compatible.

 

Yep, love and respect.

[NTV]

I probably sound pretty pompous right now. I'm trying to move on.

 

Don't worry about sounding pompous. You're doing something I did too after finding out. I would make jokes at work or with friends or anywhere really about how good looking and smart and whatever else I could think of. I know I'm good looking but I've never been concerned about it before I got cheated on.

 

The loss of pride in my marriage and family and self doubt... it can really eat at you. It still eats at me when I least expect it. So I took stock of all the things about me that I could take pride in. And bragged about them. Threw them up as if to say 'look at me I'm not worthless just because my wife didn't want me.'

 

Logically I knew that her actions were about her and not me. Emotionally though.... I felt worthless. If I had been approached by a woman who fed my ego even a little I would have become a marionette. I'm lucky that didn't happen.

 

So what if I sound conceited because I look better than Brad Pitt? Or have a voice series than.... err guess I don't know who's at the top of that food chain. Anyway, I know what you're doing and it's a good thing.

 

Take stock of anything and everything you can take pride in. It'll help. Especially right now when every little bit helps.

[BTDT2012]

At this point, I think you need to tell him you are done, and that he should go to her. And if you can contact her, tell her that she can have him. And discuss with your attorney how to best end this quickly.

[whichwayisup]

Also, her husband killed himself 10 years ago and left her with two kids. That's all I know about her besides her first name and that they work together.

 

You make it absolutely clear to him that she is NOT to be around your children for a long time and I mean a year or more. None of this in the next 2 months or so she's the new step mommy to your kids. That just isn't right.

 

Sorry you're going through this. Rely on your family and good friends for love and support. And post on here as much as you need to!

[BTDT2012]

I probably sound pretty pompous right now. I'm trying to move on.

You sound like someone who has given her all to a lying, pot smoking cheater.

[Kamikazeed]

Your husband was in 8th grade--very young, just a child, when he found out that his mother cheated on his father. This was a trauma for him.

 

Then you cheated on him right at the start of your relationship with him. You brought about his worst fear to reality and made him experience what he saw his father experience after his wife's cheating. This was a second layer trauma.

 

From everything you have written in your posts, it sounds like you are the ALPHA male in this marriage, with MORE money, MORE credential, MORE power, MORE freedom, MORE worthy as a person.

 

Typically for most women that get cheated on by their husbands, their initial posts are filled with nothing but shattered self-esteem and self-doubt. Yours seem to be filled with self-elevating statements about how much better you are and have always been compared to your husband.

 

You describe yourself as sexy, successful, fit, truly accomplished, super wife, super mom--the ultimate prize. You describe your husband as a pot user, poor insecure job, weak, and essentially a complete loser.

 

Please ask yourself if your husband has ever felt respected or emotionally safe around you in your marriage.

 

He cheated with someone whose husband committed suicide. My guess is that he has bonded with the emotional vulnerability of this OW and trusts her more than has ever been able to trust you.

 

With all due respect, how can you possibly expect a marriage to last when it started off with broken trust and such heartbreaking disrespect on your part?

 

With all due respect, if you had learned anything from YOUR cheating, then you would have spent the years repenting for your betrayal, not self-elevating yourself and putting your husband down.

 

I wish you all the best in moving on with your life.

But, despite his cheating on you, more than anything else, I wish your husband a chance to finally be with someone who can respect him and someone who he can trust. Your husband deserves to be loved respected.

 

You husband is human. He was traumatized by his own mother's cheating and then betrayed by you years ago and it sounds like your super self image has nothing but degraded whatever self respect that he had left in him. I will save my compassion for this man.

I told him I want the best for him too. I want him to stand on his own feet. To be strong.

 

I have NEVER compared myself to him until now. I always respected him, supported him. I'm probably trying too hard to salvage some self-respect and ego now, but I loved him. I LOVED him. I never made snide comments about how I was successful and he wasn't. I honestly never thought I was more successful than him until this happened. I was proud of him: I sent him three pages of text messages full of what I admired and loved about him, even after D- Day, to no avail. These things are as novel to me as they are to you. I'm realizing how much I worked, and how little he worked, to make our life what it was. He admitted it too, during our "heart-hearts".

 

Maybe he felt insecure in my being more successful than him; I don't know. I truly thought I was his partner, using my strengths to build our future. Now, my future is dead. All I have left is the knowledge that I can overcome struggle and succeed. I have to rely on that inme, or I will fall apart.

Edited December 12, 2016 by Kamikazeed

[BTDT2012]

 

Maybe he felt insecure in my being more successful than him; I don't know. I truly thought I was his partner, using my strengths to build our future. Now, my future is dead. All I have left is the knowledge that I can overcome struggle and succeed. I have to rely on that inme, or I will fall apart.

 

Your future is not dead. Don't say it, don't believe it.

[Kamikazeed]

As I have said, the A lies on your H.

 

But the way you are talking about him it sounds like you feel your H should have been grateful that he had a trophywife at his arms. Never have I seen any hint of emotion or there were feelings you had of any sort for your H. Sorry to say, but you talk about him like a sperm donor and not more. You don't seem much bothered about losing him.

 

I was left by my H for another woman and let me tell you, it hurt! Those shattered dreams!

 

I am sorry if I am wrong but if that is the case, I really don't see why you are finding fault regardless how your H left? You should be glad you can meet the man that matches you in terms of stature

I am shattered about losing him. When I met him all those years ago, I thought to myself, "Hey, there's my husband!" I have loved him with everything in me for 12 years. We did Cursillo retreats. I shared interests with him, joining jiu jitsu when he decided he loved it. I supported his mandifficukt life choices, telling him all the while that life is about leaps of faith and I would take them with him. I never thought myself better than him. I got angry that he could watch me paint cabinets or walls or plumb toilets and not help, but I never degraded him. I Loved him. I still do. I write these ugly things about him, Burbank he is the father of my babies. He is my best friend. He is the one I wanted to come home to, the one I waited to see ervery day, the one I shared my pain and success with. I am bitter now, but I was a different woman two weeks ago, fully in love and full time I'm trust that we were building a strong foundation for our babies and would one day sell our home and buy a f****** RV to explore America.

 

Now I'm going to parties and looking at ring fingers and being hit on by married men and thinking, WHY IS THIS MY LIFE??? B

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[turnera]

So his family and friends know about his cheating? Did you tell them?

[Kamikazeed]

So his family and friends know about his cheating? Did you tell them?

They know, but I did not tell them. I am very close to his family, and when his sister texted me a few days after it all came to light, I just told her she needed to call her brother. She did, and he told her. She told the rest of his family. They were all here for Thanksgiving when he was acting all ****ty (I later found out it was bc his OW gave him a masked ultimatum, knowing?full well his entire family and mine too were at our home at the time,and they will all be here for Christmas). We have people flying in from [out of state]. None of us can believe this. I have asked that he be gone and not ruinChristmas for all of us. He has agreed, but idk where he'll go. I wish to God he would just stop seeing this girl and rebuild our family. I hate this.

Edited December 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted personal location information ~6

[Sweetfish]

woke me at 2am the night after Thanksgiving to admit to his affair. Actually, he just said he had to tell me something then sat there all dumbfounded quiet while I extrapolated the truth from him.

 

Just out of curiosity. When you cheated while you guys were dating. Did he catch you or did you openly admit to him. Ifs odd for a person to admit to an affair. It almost seem like he was repaying you the "favor"?

[Mr. Lucky]

[]

 

I wish to God he would just stop seeing this girl and rebuild our family. I hate this.

 

I can pretty much guarantee at some point he'll be back. What the timing will be and how receptive you'll be to the idea are both unknowns. Keep your head up and keep moving forward, you don't owe anyone explanations or excuses...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited December 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted personal location info ~6

[wmacbride]

None of his behavior is your fault, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

If he's trying to use your behavior when you first started going out together as an excuse for what he's doing, he's got a real problem. If it bothered him that much, he could have stopped dating you ( if you were even exclusive with him that early in your relationship) yet he didn't . He chose to keep seeing you.to ask you to marry him, to get married,to have children with you, to build a life with you. he had time to sort his mind out, yet he made the decision to let his negative feelings fester.

 

This is just my opinion, but it sounds like he's cheating because of pride. He's ashamed that you earn more, and rather than handle that in an adult way and either make improvements so he can find a better job or work through his feelings with you as a team, he chose the easier path of starting up a relationship with someone who he feels a bit superior to.

 

If this is the case, then his issues come from within him, and nothing you can say or do, short of losing your job so he's the higher wage earner,would have made any difference. His ego issues are coming from within him.

 

Don't let anyone try and pin his behavior and choices on you. He's an adult. He had choices, and this is the path he chose. It sounds like even his own family knows and understands this, and knows where the responsibility lies.

 

I did want to say that I'm glad that you have been able to keep on good term with his family, as they are also your children's family, and down the road, they can be a positive influence in your children's life.

[NTV]

Just wanted to wish you strength this morning!

[WomenWubber]

I don't know what was the dynamic between you two, but I wouldn't believe for a second that has something to do with a choice he did by himself. It takes just one party to destroy a relationship and this is not on you OP.

 

However I don't think there's much you can do to salvage this as your I assume stbxh's actions speak volumes. Your future with him may be no more but you and your children still have a future. It's all in your hands.

[Kamikazeed]

Just wanted to wish you strength this morning!

Thanks. I need it. I have a biopsy today. He forgot about it.

[Kamikazeed]

None of his behavior is your fault, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

If he's trying to use your behavior when you first started going out together as an excuse for what he's doing, he's got a real problem. If it bothered him that much, he could have stopped dating you ( if you were even exclusive with him that early in your relationship) yet he didn't . He chose to keep seeing you.to ask you to marry him, to get married,to have children with you, to build a life with you. he had time to sort his mind out, yet he made the decision to let his negative feelings fester.

 

This is just my opinion, but it sounds like he's cheating because of pride. He's ashamed that you earn more, and rather than handle that in an adult way and either make improvements so he can find a better job or work through his feelings with you as a team, he chose the easier path of starting up a relationship with someone who he feels a bit superior to.

 

If this is the case, then his issues come from within him, and nothing you can say or do, short of losing your job so he's the higher wage earner,would have made any difference. His ego issues are coming from within him.

 

Don't let anyone try and pin his behavior and choices on you. He's an adult. He had choices, and this is the path he chose. It sounds like even his own family knows and understands this, and knows where the responsibility lies.

 

I did want to say that I'm glad that you have been able to keep on good term with his family, as they are also your children's family, and down the road, they can be a positive influence in your children's life.

Yes, his family knows and wants us to reconcile. They've been down this road with his mom, who keeps telling him it was the worst mistake of her life. His dad asked that he visit the monastery for a weekend before making any big decisions. We have had important experiences there, and it is an incredibly spiritual place. He refused to go, saying it would just be to make his dad and me feel better. He is barely eating and looks drawn and unhealthy. I wonder if he's suicidal, and a therapist I spoke with thinks the OW might see a flailing man and think she can save this one. He won't let me help him. I'm not proud of this, but I wept and begged. He started saying things about polyamory and a guy we know who has a wife and a girlfriend living with him and animals spreading seed and how infidelity is inevitable and how he missed sowing his wild oats and punching things as he sat inside his closet and I tried to talk some sense into him and told him I would work on myself too. I'm not perfect, not even close. I have issues and insecurities. Weve grown up together, and I want to keep growing with him. But I can't now. He ruined a good life. He wants me to be open to him dating outside our marriage, and that is NOT okay with me. He says things like, "I always thought you and I were different" like he wants me, after 12 loyal years, to accommodate him and his mistress. Nah.

[Kamikazeed]

Just out of curiosity. When you cheated while you guys were dating. Did he catch you or did you openly admit to him. Ifs odd for a person to admit to an affair. It almost seem like he was repaying you the "favor"?

I told him part of it after it happened, then all of it before we were married. He told me some things too, and we had a no secrets policy. He almost called the wedding off but didn't. We've had 8 happy years since then, and 4 happy years after it happened before we were married. I think I've proven myself a new person in that time. If it eats at him so much, why go after the OW who ****s a married man in a parking lot? She will help him with his existential crisis about infidelity? He's imploding, and he won't let me help him. I learned and became a better person after that happened 12 years ago. He can too, if he'll just work on our marriage with me. He says he loves us both, but love isn't sneaky trysts in parking lots. That's lust. Love is loyalty and trust and commitment and working to build a life together and sharing interests and flirting and kissing and all the things we had. The best he or I can hope for now is to have that again eventually, but with the added strain of stepparents and visitations and separate holiday functions and drama. It isn't fair to me, my kids, or our families. And I know this isn't him. He's spiraling. I begged him to let me help him, but he refuses NC with his girlfriend. He even said she held him while he had a panic attack, like she needs to have another suicidal man in her life. It really isn't fair to her either. He's being so selfish. I hate this.

[wmacbride]

I told him part of it after it happened, then all of it before we were married. He told me some things too, and we had a no secrets policy. He almost called the wedding off but didn't. We've had 8 happy years since then, and 4 happy years after it happened before we were married. I think I've proven myself a new person in that time. If it eats at him so much, why go after the OW who ****s a married man in a parking lot? She will help him with his existential crisis about infidelity? He's imploding, and he won't let me help him. I learned and became a better person after that happened 12 years ago. He can too, if he'll just work on our marriage with me. He says he loves us both, but love isn't sneaky trysts in parking lots. That's lust. Love is loyalty and trust and commitment and working to build a life together and sharing interests and flirting and kissing and all the things we had. The best he or I can hope for now is to have that again eventually, but with the added strain of stepparents and visitations and separate holiday functions and drama. It isn't fair to me, my kids, or our families. And I know this isn't him. He's spiraling. I begged him to let me help him, but he refuses NC with his girlfriend. He even said she held him while he had a panic attack, like she needs to have another suicidal man in her life. It really isn't fair to her either. He's being so selfish. I hate this.

 

I have a spouse who cheated while he was coping with a mental illness ( PTSD) and I can tell you one thing you really need to know.

 

You can't fix him. You can love him so much that it hurts, but he has to want to help himself. You can't do that for him, and his spiraling is not your fault.

 

If he is mentally ill ( and I don't know if he is) that's horrible for him, but think of him like a drowning man. You can try and save him, but he will drag you down too if you are not careful.

 

Let him go and be with his ow. I fully expect it won't take very long before she kicks his sorry butt to the curb. Their relationship needs you for it to function, as many A's do. they need an "enemy" to rail against, and right now, that's you. Take a look at the ow/om section,and you'll see how many are convinced the bs is some sort of witchy shrew, when the reality is, she's not.

[imsosad]

So sorry for all you're going through.

I think you need to let him go. It seems that right now anything you say or do is used against you. He needs you to be the bad guy now, because he needs to justify this mess he created, plus he and his Ow seem to be deep in affair fog.

Quickest way to snap them out of this affair fog is to actually be together.

Actually, I say don't just let him go, make him go. He's making your life a misery right now.Let him face the reality he created.

Transforming an affair in to a successful relationship takes a lot of effort, maturity, capacity and endurance. I don't get the impression there is much of that going on there.

You can't save him.

I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back in a couple of months, all regret and remorse. Even if he doesn't, you can't make the decision to fight for the marriage for him. Also, you can't fight alone.

As for snarky comments about single moms, please ignore. For one thing,your value does not depend on some imagined "market value" in the dating scene. Your worth is not in question here. Regardless, I know plenty of moms, myself included (with 4 kids) who went on to have relationships after a divorce.

Best of luck.

[Noideanow]

I am new here. My husband of 8 years and father of our 2 children, 6 and 3, woke me at 2am the night after Thanksgiving to admit to his affair. Actually, he just said he had to tell me something then sat there all dumbfounded quiet while I extrapolated the truth from him. I've always been the stronger of the two of us, and now he says he feels "brace" and "couldn't help himself" with this woman at work and "loves" her like he loves me. We have been together through everything for 12 years. I know I can't compete with those new relationship feelings, and I explained that I understand that people make mistakes and offered counseling and space under the condition that he go NC with her and find a new job. I make more money than him anyway so we could afford for him to take his time finding a new job and working on our marriage.

 

We still had plenty of good sex. We still dated, although I always initiated it. We played and danced and did jiu jitsu together and had fun with our kids. We just bought an awesome home with a fabulous yard and a basement apartment for his mother. I thought we had it all. We were happy. Why would he f*** it up out of nowhere? This isn't the person I married. New flashy Jeep, weird shoes and loud socks, change in music preferences. I kind of saw the signs but trusted him implicitly and completely. I don't know how I'll ever trust like that again.

 

I am at the end of HIS weekend with the kids, and the fact that that is now a thing is r rally messing with my head. Since conception, those babies have not been away from me for more than a few days a year. Now my new Norma will include losing every other weekend with them?!? I know life isn't fair, but this IS NOT FAIR. I was a good wife to him. Fun, silly, sexy, fit, successful, engaged, active. I don't deserve this.

 

I have hired a lawyer since he refuses to go MC with her and says he knows there is no point in marriage bc one of us will eventually cheat anyway. Full disclosure: 12 years ago, when we first started dating and I was leaving my wild college life behind me, I cheated on him. That was four years before our marriage. He says he thinks about it every day and is using it as a reason to make this my fault. I told him that what I learned by doing that 12 years ago was that I would NEVER hurt him like that again, and despite many opportunities, I haven't. I told him I would help him learn to make that choice too and save our family. He won't have it.

 

Right now he's playing the perfect dad and son role for his Facebook friends and to savage some bit of respect from his family. My friend is keeping a watch on his SnapChat count, and he's steadily building in those numbers. He got SnapChat and never friended me on it, btw, when he began the EA with the coworker. He has since slept with her at least four times and probably more since I've kicked him into the basement. His clothes are down there anyway. I don't know where he's sleeping. One night he says he slept in a parking lot. I'm sure he has spent the night with her. He shows up in the mornings to take the kids to school, but who knows how long that will last? He's always been the kind of guy that goes full force into something then starts smoking more pot and let's all his energy fall away.

 

I need advice and help and courage and levity, and I've read tons of threads here and know this community had the insight I need from all perspectives. Thank you for whatever you can offer me.

 

Theres a couple of things i think you get very wrong, and Will just mention a few on the run here: You cheated on him and the reason you gave/give for not wanting to do it again was that it hurt him, what? What that means you want to do it Again actually but only his hurt prevents you"no love right there thanks, yes the way you write seems very insensitive and unloving, and i think you are right, he does deserve better* btw to say you have allways been the stronger, right there you tell me one more time you never loved him, and the one you worship most seems to be yourself, sorry but i had to defend him honestly:cool: Learn from this and take a Deep look and feel at yourself and your thoughts:(

[BTDT2012]

kamikazeed, as hard as it is don't discuss anything with him that doesn't concern finances or the children. You can't nice him back, you can't use logic. Tell him you are done, and mean it. My WH didn't finally end it with his AP until I told them they could have each other. I know you love him, but you shouldn't love him more than you love yourself. He has to deal with his issues. And don't let anyone make you believe that you are the reason for his cheating.

 

Hope all goes well with your biopsy.

[Mr. Lucky]

Theres a couple of things i think you get very wrong, and Will just mention a few on the run here: You cheated on him and the reason you gave/give for not wanting to do it again was that it hurt him, what? What that means you want to do it Again actually but only his hurt prevents you"no love right there thanks

 

I don't think the OP supplied an exhaustive list of all the reasons she'd continue to be faithful to their relationship. And, as a BS, I'd hope the very real pain infidelity causes would be a factor in avoiding a repeat...

 

Mr. Lucky