Husband admitted affair, "loves" her and me too, can't be married anymore

[BTDT2012]

Do you mind telling me how things are going now? How old was he when it happened? Are you in counseling? I just don't know that I could ever look at him the same again.

I'm not the one you asked, but my situation has many similarities. I told him that I was going to be his wife, or we would be strangers. Why would I ever want to be friends with someone who betrayed me and never tried to make amends.His mother told him that his AP would never be welcome in her home. During an approximate 4 month time frame he moved out, came back, moved out, came back and finally moved out at my insistence, when I realized he hadn't cut off contact with her. He was in his late 40's when all this happened. He started counseling in earnest on his own when he realized that I was done, and prepared to live my life with him as a distant memory. We still have counseling as we feel necessary. It is only by the grace of God that we are still together. We wasted time early on with some ineffective counseling that didn't really focus on the infidelity. We are a little over two years working on reconciliation. And I don't look at him the same way. I don't now how our story will end. We have many more good days than bad days.

[aileD]

Do you mind telling me how things are going now? How old was he when it happened? Are you in counseling? I just don't know that I could ever look at him the same again.

 

We have only been in reconciliation for four months. Yes to counseling. The affair lasted a year and a half and I knew about it for most of that time. Like the above poster, my H went back and forth many many times in 18 mos. It was very very hurtful and caused permanent damage between our teens and him. My H was 39/40 during this and his AP was 20/21. There were several reasons I fought so hard. First, I love him. And we have been together since 17. Second was that he had some life changing abuse happen to him as a preteen/teen and I know it's not an excuse but I could see clearly the psychological crap behind it and felt it was very midlife crisisy and I didn't want to lose him over it. And lastly. She was 20, totally opposite of him, her family disowned her because of him, she wants kids he doesn't anymore and he's an outdoorsman and she's loves her nails and glitter. No freaking way they were going to last past this limerance infatuation fantasyland crap and I wasn't going to give up our family, our marriage and our life for something I KNEW would end up being a regret. I gave him a lot of reality checks. He was 10000% in the fantasy and that is so hard to get out of.

 

He left for two months and was actually living in his car with her and we would talk every day and he was trying to "figure himself out". Finally I was just like "let's just get divorced because this is ridiculous you are living with another person and you're not coming home". He got mad at me. They like to turn it around on us.

 

It took him a month or two but I gave him space and enough rope to hang his new relationship with and he finally left her for good and here we are.

 

It's not easy. I won't ever trust him 100% and it's a struggle every day but we are both committed 100%. So we will see

 

I don't want to give you false hope. I really should have left a million times and much sooner. I got walked all over because I never put my foot down. The only thing I stood strong on was "you don't get to know me anymore if you're going to dump me for another woman".

[BTDT2012]

I haven't been journaling anywhere but here really. I'll sheepishly admit that I check this thread constantly, though, and the feedback is helping a lot. My life is super busy between teaching without a planning period and the kids and house and grading and planning and trying to now spending every other night away from the house with friends and the biopsy and ugh. I pass out wen I sit down for any length of time. Or I research surviving infidelity until I pass out. Then come the nightmares, or worse, the good dreams followed by waking up and immediately remembering what's happening in my life. I sound so pathetic. This. Sucks.

 

You are right. It sucks. You don't sound pathetic to those of us who have been there. Like aileD, I tried to hard to understand him when I should have been focusing on me. And count me as one who doesn't want to give false hope.

Edited December 16, 2016 by BTDT2012

[HereNorThere]

Spoiler alert! I've seen this movie before and know exactly how it ends. Several close friends and about half of my family have experienced what you are going through right now. It's so common that there has to be some sort of biological explanation or something. Some people refer to is a mid life crisis, split self affair, whatever. I refer to it as "invasion of the body snatchers" because it really is like they wake up a different person one day.

 

Is it the mental change that causes the affair or is the affair that causes the mental change? Which came first, the chicken or egg? The thing that stuck out the most to me was when you said your has "devolved." I've referred to as "regressed" because it's almost like they regress to maturity of a 15 year old. I recently had a close friend who is older than me pull this same exact stunt. We were sitting out his house a few months before the divorce and he starts talking some nonsense about how "My wife and I don't even like the same music. You need to understand how important music is to me, blah blah blah." I said "Dude, aren't you like nearly 50? You need to quit worrying about what kind of music your wife likes. At your age, you need to start thinking about fiber intake, retirement saving and consider taking a baby aspirin every day to reduce your risk of a heart attack. Quit acting like you're a kid, you HAVE kids." This guy completely rewrote his marital history like you wouldn't believe. You know, his wife was a big meanie, controlling, didn't let him spend money, etc. Every last bit of it was untrue. He had more freedom than any married man I've ever met. He spent more money on toys than any person in my life. I told him straight up, "you can't gaslight me, bro. I was there."

 

It bothers me when others start blaming the BS. OP, I'm telling you, I've seen this so many times and doesn't matter how good of a wife, mother, lover, earner, whatever you are, this is something that happens to people at a certain age. Some people make it out, some people don't. From my experience, most people don't. The friend I referenced earlier destroyed his entire life and two families. Went from having a beautiful half million dollar home, multiple brand new cars, RV, boat, vacation home, motorcycles, pretty much every luxury you can have. By the end, he was sleeping in a car. Not even his car because he screwed up and couldn't make the payments any longer. Not because he didn't have the money, he lost the mental capacity and responsibility to pay it.

 

Don't buy into any of these theories about you making more money than him and all of that stuff. I've read those same studies and while true, I don't think they accurately reflect the situation you are in. I've seen that blank stare in the WH eyes. No one is home up there, I promise. Sometimes they come back to earth, but it's usually after they burned everything to the ground. Even then, they will continue to blame everyone and everything but themselves. My friend didn't even end up with the affair partner. The only thing he has left is a big pile of ashes. The weirdest part is that you can tell it doesn't even register with him. Like he's completely disconnected with his rational, adult self. He's more concerned with the next rock concert than his children's well-being.

 

You will never, ever make logical sense of something that isn't logical. I'm a scientist and for me there has to be some sort of rational explanation but I can't find one. There are some studies that correlate hormone levels, even some that correlate the fertility of the woman, but I simply cannot find causation. Not because it doesn't exist, it just hasn't been studied properly. These zombies lose their ability for introspection and truth, so I doubt there will ever be enough to really provide us with an answer. The only hope is catching one of them during one of their rational spells but they are so few and far between it's hard to do.

 

Sorry you are going through this. You sound like an amazing woman and great mother. Do what you can to protect your kids because he's not coming back any time soon. There is a bright light at the end of this tunnel if you can hold on, I promise.

Edited December 16, 2016 by HereNorThere

[ladydesigner]

Epic post ^^^^^

[NTV]

Spoiler alert! I've seen this movie before and know exactly how it ends. Several close friends and about half of my family have experienced what you are going through right now. It's so common that there has to be some sort of biological explanation or something. Some people refer to is a mid life crisis, split self affair, whatever. I refer to it as "invasion of the body snatchers" because it really is like they wake up a different person one day.

 

Is it the mental change that causes the affair or is the affair that causes the mental change? Which came first, the chicken or egg? The thing that stuck out the most to me was when you said your has "devolved." I've referred to as "regressed" because it's almost like they regress to maturity of a 15 year old. I recently had a close friend who is older than me pull this same exact stunt. We were sitting out his house a few months before the divorce and he starts talking some nonsense about how "My wife and I don't even like the same music. You need to understand how important music is to me, blah blah blah." I said "Dude, aren't you like nearly 50? You need to quit worrying about what kind of music your wife likes. At your age, you need to start thinking about fiber intake, retirement saving and consider taking a baby aspirin every day to reduce your risk of a heart attack. Quit acting like you're a kid, you HAVE kids." This guy completely rewrote his marital history like you wouldn't believe. You know, his wife was a big meanie, controlling, didn't let him spend money, etc. Every last bit of it was untrue. He had more freedom than any married man I've ever met. He spent more money on toys than any person in my life. I told him straight up, "you can't gaslight me, bro. I was there."

 

It bothers me when others start blaming the BS. OP, I'm telling you, I've seen this so many times and doesn't matter how good of a wife, mother, lover, earner, whatever you are, this is something that happens to people at a certain age. Some people make it out, some people don't. From my experience, most people don't. The friend I referenced earlier destroyed his entire life and two families. Went from having a beautiful half million dollar home, multiple brand new cars, RV, boat, vacation home, motorcycles, pretty much every luxury you can have. By the end, he was sleeping in a car. Not even his car because he screwed up and couldn't make the payments any longer. Not because he didn't have the money, he lost the mental capacity and responsibility to pay it.

 

Don't buy into any of these theories about you making more money than him and all of that stuff. I've read those same studies and while true, I don't think they accurately reflect the situation you are in. I've seen that blank stare in the WH eyes. No one is home up there, I promise. Sometimes they come back to earth, but it's usually after they burned everything to the ground. Even then, they will continue to blame everyone and everything but themselves. My friend didn't even end up with the affair partner. The only thing he has left is a big pile of ashes. The weirdest part is that you can tell it doesn't even register with him. Like he's completely disconnected with his rational, adult self. He's more concerned with the next rock concert than his children's well-being.

 

You will never, ever make logical sense of something that isn't logical. I'm a scientist and for me there has to be some sort of rational explanation but I can't find one. There are some studies that correlate hormone levels, even some that correlate the fertility of the woman, but I simply cannot find causation. Not because it doesn't exist, it just hasn't been studied properly. These zombies lose their ability for introspection and truth, so I doubt there will ever be enough to really provide us with an answer. The only hope is catching one of them during one of their rational spells but they are so few and far between it's hard to do.

 

Sorry you are going through this. You sound like an amazing woman and great mother. Do what you can to protect your kids because he's not coming back any time soon. There is a bright light at the end of this tunnel if you can hold on, I promise.

 

Nice response!

 

As far as they're not being a rational explanation for it though... I think there just might be. You see... Some folks are just full of crap.

 

And you don't need anything like a oscilloscope to figure out how much their feces to logic ratio is at the moment.

 

There's no real measurement tool for that lol. But there is a gauge that she should probably be aware of... it kind of looks like the ones in the dashboard of a car. I call it my give-a-s*** meter. Lol

 

I know for me when I first found out mine was pointing all the over the place. Every two days or so I had to make a mental picture and reset it back down to zero.

 

Most the time that worked. =)

[turnera]

Cheaters are drug addicts. They're literally addicted to the next contact with the AP. It gives them a literal high. It's the same high the two of you felt when YOU first met. It's the chemicals our bodies produce to keep us 'into' each other long enough to procreate the species, goes back to caveman days. Thing is, your body can't tell the difference between the person you married and the person you're cheating with.

 

The only way to get a cheater back is to remove the AP. And usually the only way I've seen to do that is to flat out say 'her or me; I'm moving on. TOMORROW' and to expose the affair at the same time so their support system turns on them - that fear of losing you, of not being able to eat cake, while being condemned by their important people: that's the only way to get your husband back. He HAS to see you willing to give him up if he doesn't stop the nonsense. NO negotiating. Stop, or lose me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Cheaters are drug addicts. They're literally addicted to the next contact with the AP. It gives them a literal high. It's the same high the two of you felt when YOU first met. It's the chemicals our bodies produce to keep us 'into' each other long enough to procreate the species, goes back to caveman days. Thing is, your body can't tell the difference between the person you married and the person you're cheating with.

 

The only way to get a cheater back is to remove the AP. And usually the only way I've seen to do that is to flat out say 'her or me; I'm moving on. TOMORROW' and to expose the affair at the same time so their support system turns on them - that fear of losing you, of not being able to eat cake, while being condemned by their important people: that's the only way to get your husband back. He HAS to see you willing to give him up if he doesn't stop the nonsense. NO negotiating. Stop, or lose me.

 

Unless of course the"cheater" stops on his/her own accord.

 

There are some here who stopped the affair without the betrayed spouse even knowing they were betrayed spouses.

 

One size does not fit all

[aileD]

Spoiler alert! I've seen this movie before and know exactly how it ends. Several close friends and about half of my family have experienced what you are going through right now. It's so common that there has to be some sort of biological explanation or something. Some people refer to is a mid life crisis, split self affair, whatever. I refer to it as "invasion of the body snatchers" because it really is like they wake up a different person one day.

 

Is it the mental change that causes the affair or is the affair that causes the mental change? Which came first, the chicken or egg? The thing that stuck out the most to me was when you said your has "devolved." I've referred to as "regressed" because it's almost like they regress to maturity of a 15 year old. I recently had a close friend who is older than me pull this same exact stunt. We were sitting out his house a few months before the divorce and he starts talking some nonsense about how "My wife and I don't even like the same music. You need to understand how important music is to me, blah blah blah." I said "Dude, aren't you like nearly 50? You need to quit worrying about what kind of music your wife likes. At your age, you need to start thinking about fiber intake, retirement saving and consider taking a baby aspirin every day to reduce your risk of a heart attack. Quit acting like you're a kid, you HAVE kids." This guy completely rewrote his marital history like you wouldn't believe. You know, his wife was a big meanie, controlling, didn't let him spend money, etc. Every last bit of it was untrue. He had more freedom than any married man I've ever met. He spent more money on toys than any person in my life. I told him straight up, "you can't gaslight me, bro. I was there."

 

It bothers me when others start blaming the BS. OP, I'm telling you, I've seen this so many times and doesn't matter how good of a wife, mother, lover, earner, whatever you are, this is something that happens to people at a certain age. Some people make it out, some people don't. From my experience, most people don't. The friend I referenced earlier destroyed his entire life and two families. Went from having a beautiful half million dollar home, multiple brand new cars, RV, boat, vacation home, motorcycles, pretty much every luxury you can have. By the end, he was sleeping in a car. Not even his car because he screwed up and couldn't make the payments any longer. Not because he didn't have the money, he lost the mental capacity and responsibility to pay it.

 

Don't buy into any of these theories about you making more money than him and all of that stuff. I've read those same studies and while true, I don't think they accurately reflect the situation you are in. I've seen that blank stare in the WH eyes. No one is home up there, I promise. Sometimes they come back to earth, but it's usually after they burned everything to the ground. Even then, they will continue to blame everyone and everything but themselves. My friend didn't even end up with the affair partner. The only thing he has left is a big pile of ashes. The weirdest part is that you can tell it doesn't even register with him. Like he's completely disconnected with his rational, adult self. He's more concerned with the next rock concert than his children's well-being.

 

You will never, ever make logical sense of something that isn't logical. I'm a scientist and for me there has to be some sort of rational explanation but I can't find one. There are some studies that correlate hormone levels, even some that correlate the fertility of the woman, but I simply cannot find causation. Not because it doesn't exist, it just hasn't been studied properly. These zombies lose their ability for introspection and truth, so I doubt there will ever be enough to really provide us with an answer. The only hope is catching one of them during one of their rational spells but they are so few and far between it's hard to do.

 

Sorry you are going through this. You sound like an amazing woman and great mother. Do what you can to protect your kids because he's not coming back any time soon. There is a bright light at the end of this tunnel if you can hold on, I promise.

 

 

Wow. Spot on. My husband even lived in his car for awhile.

[aileD]

Cheaters are drug addicts. They're literally addicted to the next contact with the AP. It gives them a literal high. It's the same high the two of you felt when YOU first met. It's the chemicals our bodies produce to keep us 'into' each other long enough to procreate the species, goes back to caveman days. Thing is, your body can't tell the difference between the person you married and the person you're cheating with.

 

The only way to get a cheater back is to remove the AP. And usually the only way I've seen to do that is to flat out say 'her or me; I'm moving on. TOMORROW' and to expose the affair at the same time so their support system turns on them - that fear of losing you, of not being able to eat cake, while being condemned by their important people: that's the only way to get your husband back. He HAS to see you willing to give him up if he doesn't stop the nonsense. NO negotiating. Stop, or lose me.

 

This this this.

 

And yeah sometimes they do stop on their own. It not often

[Mrs. John Adams]

This this this.

 

And yeah sometimes they do stop on their own. It not often

 

The only one you have to worry about... is your own.

 

If you take the time to read many waywards here actually did stop on their own and confessed to their betrayeds.

 

I don't know the percentage ... all I know is it happened in our home... twice. My affair and his revenge affair.

[HereNorThere]

I would like to make it clear that I know for certain not all affairs are the same. Humans are waaaaaay too complex to fit in these binary definitions of behavior. My post was strictly a reflection of OP's description of her spouse and my life experience with this radical change in maturity.

 

Many people end up in situations and act on attraction because they got caught up in the moment. I really doubt anyone here hasn't had lapse of impulse control before. That's definitely not what I'm talking about. I'm specifically referring to the "alien spouse" scenerio I've witnessed countless times with both men and women at a certain age. Some of them buy a sports car and some just want to watch the world burn. My opinion (based on observation) is that the affair is more of a symptom than a cause. There's some sort of manic, existential crisis going on that they can't see because the very thing they use to process these issues, their brain, is what's broken.

 

If you don't believe me - take one of those spouses and a pug and explain your feelings to them. Then report back to me which one seemed to understand you better.

 

Pugs are smart, aren't they!

[NTV]

If you don't believe me - take one of those spouses and a pug and explain your feelings to them. Then report back to me which one seemed to understand you better.

 

Pugs are smart, aren't they!

 

Yeah but if we're competing against pugs then I've lost too...

[Cymbeline]

HereNorThere's observations are acute. I would add that there is literature to explain this phenomenon, starting With Carl Jung who first described mid life crisis. (He had one himself). We all have life transitions all of the time. Mostly we navigate them without too much trouble. I read an overview of work on this from noted academic therapists, which stated that those who have 'maladaptive responses' like this are often high in neurosis (that is clinically defined neurosis)

And they often come from deprived personal backgrounds. (That can mean some emotional neglect rather than desperately, obviously bad)

 

The trouble is, while it is interesting and helpful to know this stuff in order to make some sense of the senseless, you have no control over his life path at this point, which is why people tell you to focus on yourself. Too much drama will damage your relationship irretrievably, whereas if you are at a remove from it, so protect yourself and ultimately the relationship, if there should come a time when you want to try to repair it. And you may. I did.

 

They aren't happy in this state, despite what he is telling you, but they will blame you and won't listen to you.

 

Jung believed that if, at mid life, some kind of spiritual path was not found, the crisis was inevitable. Spiritual, in a broad sense, may mean a higher power or philosophy, or it may refer to a concentration on family, community, nature etc.

 

Erickson, who came a bit later, said that during middle age, we need to be 'generative' (i.e. Moving from youthful aspirations towards maturer ones like mentoring; preparing the next generation; giving of you experience in some way. As a teacher and mother , you are already doing this. If we fail transition to this state, Erickson believed we were doomed to 'stagnation' which was the term he used as the opposite to generativity.

 

The problem is that this first has to be recognised by the person undergoing the crisis, and then it has to be worked in. And it is hard work. And it usually needs help and support, probably in the form of a mentor or therapist.

 

Plenty of people work through it, as neither road is easy for them. But just now it is even tougher for you, so try to take a long view, and step back (easier said than done, I know) and use this Crisis which has been forced upon you to evaluate your own path.

[ShatteredLady]

"Erickson, who came a bit later, said that during middle age, we need to be 'generative' (i.e. Moving from youthful aspirations towards maturer ones like mentoring; preparing the next generation; giving of you experience in some way."

 

 

I've thought about this sort of thing a lot. My husband is truly "Mr Alien" when he cheated. It's not the affairs that now haunt me, it's all of the things he said & did to me. How can such a kind gentle man become so cruel & abusive? He does not link the affairs & the abuse. He just says he's a nasty person inside & that now gives him permission to act that way.

 

He's always loved computer games. Particularly since having kids I feel like he's waiting for them to go to sleep so his 'real life' (staring at a computer screen) can start. He started getting into flying & fixing 'toy' helicopters. I stupidly thought it would be a father son thing but they're insanely expensive & really dangerous!

 

He has never felt pride or thought it was an accomplishment to be married, father, own a home. In the 5 years we lived in our 'dream house' I think he went in the back garden less than 10 times! He has zero interest in home, DIY, furniture etc no opinions at all. Doesn't really do much with the kids etc.

 

I think moving to America in our late 20's, away from his friends, caught him in a time warp. He thinks all men are still going down the pub, partying, being 'one of the guys'. He doesn't get that men grow-up...even a little bit. He's always hated work no matter how successful he is. Other men BBQ, him never! Care for the house? Never! He's never "put away childish things".

 

Responsibility is a burden to him. I think that's why me being bed ridden after surgery messed him up so much. He cooked (put stuff I'd prepared in the microwave) for the FIRST time ever in 25 years the evening I was released from hospital!

[heartwhole]

I don't visit here often these days but wanted to reach out. I'm also a BW and I know how awful it is. I suspect my WH would have had a much harder time giving up his OW if she didn't live halfway around the world with no chance of getting a visa unless they were married (and we couldn't divorce for at least a year). So there was no opportunity for him to "try on" a relationship with her. Still, he was mopey dope for a week or two after DD. Then he snapped out of it, realizing he didn't even know her that well and no one is a better fit than me, blah blah blah.

 

So since Thanksgiving he has been adamant that he wants to separate and divorce and you've been living apart? BTW in reading your posts I never thought you sounded arrogant or anything like that. Being the breadwinner is an important part of the puzzle, just as being a SAHM was in mine. I guess then your job definitely is to concentrate on yourself and what is best for your kids. Keep your head above water, get some rest over winter break, and then start the new year with a plan for how to go forward.

 

Will he come back to you? It's possible, sure. But unless he does, then you move forward assuming he won't. I can't imagine this relationship lasting long term, but then I just met a respectable professional man who left his wife for a stripper who tattooed his name inside her mouth (and stbXW moved the kids to another country, which apparently was fine with him), so you just never know. Some people do not snap out of "it." And even if they do, then begins the hard work of addressing deficiencies of character, developing better self-awareness and communication skills, learning how to deal with stress and have proper boundaries, etc.

 

I've got to go now but I offer my sincere sympathies for this unfair crap sandwich you've been given.

[Kamikazeed]

I don't visit here often these days but wanted to reach out. I'm also a BW and I know how awful it is. I suspect my WH would have had a much harder time giving up his OW if she didn't live halfway around the world with no chance of getting a visa unless they were married (and we couldn't divorce for at least a year). So there was no opportunity for him to "try on" a relationship with her. Still, he was mopey dope for a week or two after DD. Then he snapped out of it, realizing he didn't even know her that well and no one is a better fit than me, blah blah blah.

 

So since Thanksgiving he has been adamant that he wants to separate and divorce and you've been living apart? BTW in reading your posts I never thought you sounded arrogant or anything like that. Being the breadwinner is an important part of the puzzle, just as being a SAHM was in mine. I guess then your job definitely is to concentrate on yourself and what is best for your kids. Keep your head above water, get some rest over winter break, and then start the new year with a plan for how to go forward.

 

Will he come back to you? It's possible, sure. But unless he does, then you move forward assuming he won't. I can't imagine this relationship lasting long term, but then I just met a respectable professional man who left his wife for a stripper who tattooed his name inside her mouth (and stbXW moved the kids to another country, which apparently was fine with him), so you just never know. Some people do not snap out of "it." And even if they do, then begins the hard work of addressing deficiencies of character, developing better self-awareness and communication skills, learning how to deal with stress and have proper boundaries, etc.

 

I've got to go now but I offer my sincere sympathies for this unfair crap sandwich you've been given.

Crap sandwich is about right. I've been calling it a **** popsicle.

 

He hasn't been adamant about anything. I've had to force answers out of him. He's been cowardly about all of this, and I know he's ashamed and hating himself for this. What most worries me about him is that he's losing faith in himself, in family life in general, in God... He's flailing, and I want to help him. Everyone is right, though: none of us can help anyone who does not want to be helped, so I have to push forward through the divorce and try to regain some sanity and help my babies through this.

[HereNorThere]

Crap sandwich is about right. I've been calling it a **** popsicle.

 

He hasn't been adamant about anything. I've had to force answers out of him. He's been cowardly about all of this, and I know he's ashamed and hating himself for this. What most worries me about him is that he's losing faith in himself, in family life in general, in God... He's flailing, and I want to help him. Everyone is right, though: none of us can help anyone who does not want to be helped, so I have to push forward through the divorce and try to regain some sanity and help my babies through this.

 

 

It kills me reading posts like this. I'm the mid 30s, single guy with the downtown high rise apartment, so naturally my friends going through these type of midlife crisis events gravitate towards me when this happens to them. Probably because their married friends don't have the time to put up with this crap. Like you, I've talked to them until I'm blue in the face, and nada. I've just come to the conclusion the person I previously knew is gone. Eventually I have to kick them out of here just like their spouse. I'm a single guy, not a babysitter.

 

Intelligence is sort of a prerequisite to being one of my friends. We're all a bunch of science and technology (STEM) workers, so you're gonna have a bad time with us if you can't keep up. I know for certain my friends that have gone through this have the capacity to understand their own behavior. I truly do believe there's something else going on behind the scenes. While it may present itself as a psychological problem, I really believe the roots lie in biology. These stories are all the same. People from all over the world, all backgrounds, environments, etc experiencing the same affliction.

 

I wonder if I'm immune to it? How can I turn into a big kid if I'm already one? Of course I still have a career, home, car and relationships so there's still some stuff to throw in the fire if I ever have my breakdown.

 

It's ironic watching my married, midlife crisisy friends envy my life. Sure, I have more freedom and less responsibility, but I wake here alone. There is no pitter patter of feet walking around in the morning. I never come home to smell of a meal cooked with love. No one makes me soup when I'm sick. Hell, If I died in my sleep last night, I doubt they would have found my body until Tuesday. At least it's freezing cold here, so I wouldn't stink up the building with my decomposition for a while. The grass isn't any greener on this side. I'm on the top floor, there's no grass up here at at all.

[aileD]

Crap sandwich is about right. I've been calling it a **** popsicle.

 

He hasn't been adamant about anything. I've had to force answers out of him. He's been cowardly about all of this, and I know he's ashamed and hating himself for this. What most worries me about him is that he's losing faith in himself, in family life in general, in God... He's flailing, and I want to help him. Everyone is right, though: none of us can help anyone who does not want to be helped, so I have to push forward through the divorce and try to regain some sanity and help my babies through this.

 

I hear you on this too. I was lucky in that my H is very introspective and likes to learn about himself and was/is open to all the literature and links and you tube videos I sent him. Even when we were fighting snd not talking he still read everything I sent him about how divorce affects the kids, mid life crisis info, childhood abuse and it's affect on marriages, five stages of love, why 20 year age gap relationships don't work, all the info about affairs etc.

 

maybe you could just send him some links with no expectations. Take care of yourself too, but if you feel he's sick and losing himself...send him some stuff to read...it will of course be up to him to read and take stock of it...but st least you tried to help.

 

This one was big for my H

 

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/31-reasons-to-stop-affair-part-one

 

It's three parts.

 

I wish you peace I know this is a hard time. Especially around the holidays

[elaine567]

He hasn't been adamant about anything. I've had to force answers out of him. He's been cowardly about all of this, and I know he's ashamed and hating himself for this. What most worries me about him is that he's losing faith in himself, in family life in general, in God... He's flailing, and I want to help him.

 

YOU don't KNOW how he really feels.

YOU are projecting what you may feel in those circumstances onto him.

He may being silent not because he is ashamed and hating himself he may be silent just so that he doesn't incriminate himself any further, he may be "forced" by you, into telling you what you want to hear.

What he really feels may be far from what you imagine how he is feeling and far from what he tells you too.

 

Cheaters tend to be conflict avoidant, so being silent and being "forced" to say something is par for the course, BUT they still do not want to face things head on, hence they will guard what they really feel in case YOU get further annoyed and upset with them.

Reserve your compassion for someone else.

He will now do what is best FOR HIM.

[Kamikazeed]

YOU don't KNOW how he really feels.

YOU are projecting what you may feel in those circumstances onto him.

He may being silent not because he is ashamed and hating himself he may be silent just so that he doesn't incriminate himself any further, he may be "forced" by you, into telling you what you want to hear.

What he really feels may be far from what you imagine how he is feeling and far from what he tells you too.

 

Cheaters tend to be conflict avoidant, so being silent and being "forced" to say something is par for the course, BUT they still do not want to face things head on, hence they will guard what they really feel in case YOU get further annoyed and upset with them.

Reserve your compassion for someone else.

He will now do what is best FOR HIM.

You're right. He won't come tell the kids or fill out the papers wth me. He won't tell me when he's moving out. I think he's out shopping with the OW right now. Right now I hate him so much I could light his **** on fire. I guess I get where that trope comes from now.

[Sweetfish]

You're right. He won't come tell the kids or fill out the papers wth me. He won't tell me when he's moving out. I think he's out shopping with the OW right now. Right now I hate him so much I could light his **** on fire. I guess I get where that trope comes from now.

 

 

Like HereNorThere said, he metaphorically burnt everything to the ground already

[aileD]

You're right. He won't come tell the kids or fill out the papers wth me. He won't tell me when he's moving out. I think he's out shopping with the OW right now. Right now I hate him so much I could light his **** on fire. I guess I get where that trope comes from now.

 

My H did the same thing!!!!!!!! He didn't want me to tell the kids. Or anyone else "yet".

 

And on the OW side they were looking st apartments but he would not commit to signing anything even when they had a really good opportunity, he let the deadline come and go.

 

I don't think my H ever had any intention of REALLY leaving. He might have thought he did, but he didn't do anything to commit. He still would send me houses in other states for us to move to. He would still come to most family things. We continued to build a cabin we were building

 

He was being selfish and cake eating and claiming he was trying to "find himself"...he was just buying time to enjoy as much of her as he could before it came time to REALLY end it.

 

AND I LET HIM!!!!! Ahhhh. I stayed home and cried and told him how much I loved him and let him walk all over me. Sigh.

 

I know my husband, I know he wasn't really going to leave and he took advantage of that .

 

Don't let yours do that. Do you still want the marriage?

[Kamikazeed]

My H did the same thing!!!!!!!! He didn't want me to tell the kids. Or anyone else "yet".

 

And on the OW side they were looking st apartments but he would not commit to signing anything even when they had a really good opportunity, he let the deadline come and go.

 

I don't think my H ever had any intention of REALLY leaving. He might have thought he did, but he didn't do anything to commit. He still would send me houses in other states for us to move to. He would still come to most family things. We continued to build a cabin we were building

 

He was being selfish and cake eating and claiming he was trying to "find himself"...he was just buying time to enjoy as much of her as he could before it came time to REALLY end it.

 

AND I LET HIM!!!!! Ahhhh. I stayed home and cried and told him how much I loved him and let him walk all over me. Sigh.

 

I know my husband, I know he wasn't really going to leave and he took advantage of that .

 

Don't let yours do that. Do you still want the marriage?

To be honest I have no idea what I want, except that I know I CANT continue in this miserable purgatory I'm in right now. I need this to be concluded. It's eating me alive.

[HereNorThere]

As much as you're going through, there really is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. You get your life back! It's hard to imagine now, but you get a second chance to experience the magic of a first kiss. The opportunity to meet new and interesting people really is a blessing in disguise. I've learned so much from the people I've dated as I got older. It's different because you appreciate them more than you did when you were younger.

 

You'll do this the same way you do anything else - one foot in front of the other. There's a whole world waiting out there for you. It can get lonely up here on the top floor, but the view is AMAZING.