Husband admitted affair, "loves" her and me too, can't be married anymore

[HereNorThere]

I hope once the basement is finished you renting it to some Greek god, Channing Tatum looking bada$$ that walks around with his shirt off, sweat dripping down his chiseled abs as he lift weights in the yard with a bunch a square jawed, alpha dudes when your husband visits.

 

I know I'm petty like that. A little schadenfreude isn't always a bad thing.

Edited December 18, 2016 by HereNorThere

[Kamikazeed]

I will say I've dealt with a lot in my life but nothing really like this. I would go insane if my husband insisted on living here while opening dating another woman. It's obviously crazy.

 

Actually I just thought of a guy I know IRL, he is living in his basement and openly has a girlfriend. He filed for D, so it cannot be the same person but his wife is beyond pissed off. The whole situation is really bad.

 

OP, do you have kids? Sorry if you said the answer. Can you just leave? This is a very unhealthy environment.

Yes, two kids, 6 and 3. I can't leave them. It's our home, and they need stability. Also, I put way more work and time and money into that house than he did. Him fixing the basement was supposed to make up for some of that. He needs to go.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes, two kids, 6 and 3. I can't leave them. It's our home, and they need stability. Also, I put way more work and time and money into that house than he did. Him fixing the basement was supposed to make up for some of that. He needs to go.

 

This all has got to be very destructive to the kids. Is he going to move into the basement? I missed why he was fixing the basement.

[wmacbride]

I have to push hard with the divorce. He's still dating her. I cannot be married to a man who will date another woman while I struggle through this on my own. I can't let him come and go as he pleases in my home, and I can't kick him out unless we divorce. This is making me insane. He has to go.

 

 

This single paragraph sums up your situation and what you need to do. It sounds like you already know this, and are getting ready to act.

 

One thing I hope you will keep in mind is to not beat yourself up if you slip back sometimes.It's to be expected. The process of uncoupling can be a bumpy road, but so long as you keep moving at your own pace and ask for help when you need it, you will be just fine. You sounds like a very strong lady,and while that strength cam be a wonderful thing, it can sometimes make it hard to ask for help.

 

Another suggestion to think about is, after the winter holiday is over, is for you and your children to plan a weekend getaway together. This can be a great distraction, and can also show you and your children that you can still have fun as a family, even if your husband is no longer going to be included.This isn't to say that he won't still be an important person in their lives, but rather that the family has taken on a new form that can still be fun, supportive and a safe place for your children.

[Kamikazeed]

This single paragraph sums up your situation and what you need to do. It sounds like you already know this, and are getting ready to act.

 

One thing I hope you will keep in mind is to not beat yourself up if you slip back sometimes.It's to be expected. The process of uncoupling can be a bumpy road, but so long as you keep moving at your own pace and ask for help when you need it, you will be just fine. You sounds like a very strong lady,and while that strength cam be a wonderful thing, it can sometimes make it hard to ask for help.

 

Another suggestion to think about is, after the winter holiday is over, is for you and your children to plan a weekend getaway together. This can be a great distraction, and can also show you and your children that you can still have fun as a family, even if your husband is no longer going to be included.This isn't to say that he won't still be an important person in their lives, but rather that the family has taken on a new form that can still be fun, supportive and a safe place for your children.

Really, I did all of that anyway. He was too sick or wanted to go to bed earlier whatever whenever we went on vacations that I planned. I can do this. I'm starting to be more honest with myself now, and I've really been doing it all along.

[HereNorThere]

OP, There's something I'm just not on clear on. Are you going to at least try the Bieber tickets? :laugh:

 

Imgur: The most awesome images on the Internet

[Kamikazeed]

OP, There's something I'm just not on clear on. Are you going to at least try the Bieber tickets? :laugh:

 

Imgur: The most awesome images on the Internet

Nah. He ain't worth it

[turnera]

He's going to do what benefits HIM financially. Remember that.

[Sweetfish]

Yes, two kids, 6 and 3. I can't leave them. It's our home, and they need stability. Also, I put way more work and time and money into that house than he did. Him fixing the basement was supposed to make up for some of that. He needs to go.

 

did he come up with that or you?

[Kamikazeed]

did he come up with that or you?

I did, thinking it would either give him time to put effort into our lives and him clear his head or smooth the transition for the kids and not ruin Christmas. It was a mistake. He's getting what he wanted: the pining wife at home and the OW who looovvveess everything about him.

 

He didn't show up to fill out the papers. He's trying to keep the upper hand. I can't kick him out, but I can pour vinegar all over that bed down there and toss his clothes into the bushes. My friend told me tonight to stop being so nice and worrying about him so much. She said it's time to get mad. Make him as uncomfortable as I am so he has no choice but to face the consequences of what he has done. She's right. I've given him enough chances, and I can honestly say I've been as giving and understanding as possible through this. He's **** on me repeatedly anyway. Time to get dirty.

Edited December 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

[HereNorThere]

Whoa whoa whoa, OP. Remember, you'll have answer for anything crazy in custody hearings. You gotta mind your p's and q's right now. Later we can conspire to mail him glitter or something, but for now, no crazy stuff.

[Kamikazeed]

Whoa whoa whoa, OP. Remember, you'll have answer for anything crazy in custody hearings. You gotta mind your p's and q's right now. Later we can conspire to mail him glitter or something, but for now, no crazy stuff.

Would dissassembling the bed be too crazy? Tossing out an old, pissed on mattress? It's too easy for him to be comfortable here and come and go as he pleases. Why can I do to put an end to it??

[HereNorThere]

That's what attorneys are for. Life is expensive but you already know this. Pay whatever you have to pay even if it means you're getting screwed over.

 

Peace of mind is a worthy investment. Also, there's nothing stopping you from doing whatever you want to do now. If he's going to live his life, you start living yours. This prison you're living in is self-inflicted.

 

I don't online date, but it seems like an ego booster for women. Maybe you could flirt, make some friends, whatever it is the kids do on that tinder thingamagiggy I keep hearing so much about. Not sure how all that works but I know it involves swipes. As a computer professional, I could try to send you some instructional swiping links. I think it involves moving your finger across the touch screen in a horizontal fashion. Probably sounds harder than it is.

 

Just checked stubhub and Bieber tickets still an option as well. How close do you think you have to get him?

[Kamikazeed]

That's what attorneys are for. Life is expensive but you already know this. Pay whatever you have to pay even if it means you're getting screwed over.

 

Peace of mind is a worthy investment. Also, there's nothing stopping you from doing whatever you want to do now. If he's going to live his life, you start living yours. This prison you're living in is self-inflicted.

 

I don't online date, but it seems like an ego booster for women. Maybe you could flirt, make some friends, whatever it is the kids do on that tinder thingamagiggy I keep hearing so much about. Not sure how all that works but I know it involves swipes. As a computer professional, I could try to send you some instructional swiping links. I think it involves moving your finger across the touch screen in a horizontal fashion. Probably sounds harder than it is.

 

Just checked stubhub and Bieber tickets still an option as well. How close do you think you have to get him?

Oh I'm not living in a prison. I've gone out to several parties and taken my kids to events and friends' houses, etc. It's just the coming and going. He gets to keep his home AND his mistress for some undetermined length of time?? Nah.

 

I'm no Tinder girl. My lawyer has advised waiting a year for dating. I don't know about that but In the meantime, I'm certainly not playing the shut-in misery game. Still doesn't help the constant tension of never knowing when or if he's going to just walk into my house, all smug in his stupid shoes and new relationship.

[HereNorThere]

I'm just teasing about tinder. It's never a good idea to jump from one relationship to another and that wouldn't be a good way to it if you were. Everyone knows that in times of crisis, you're suppose to lean on your family, friends, alcohol and ice cream.

 

It's good that you're pissed off. When someone tries to screw up your life, that's the appropriate response. There are threads here going on for years where the BS isn't pissed off enough to take action. I specifically responded to yours because you seemed strong enough to listen and make a decision. It's a waste of my time if I know a poster is going to continue to be a doormat.

 

Still, burning up all this emotional energy being angry isn't serving you well. Breathe, relax, whatever it is you have to do to calm down. Here in Colorado we have our own relaxation techniques. Mmmmmm techniques *cough*. I don't know how you get to your happy place, but figure it out. NOTHING is worth losing your peace of mind over. Whether you're raging or relaxed, he's still going to be a jerkface. Don't do it for him, do it for yourself. Keep posting and venting, there's people from every time zone here for support around the clock!

[heartwhole]

You're doing a great job. You're keeping it together for your kids, seeing the big picture, etc.

 

I agree, figure out how to get home out and that's IT. Good-bye. If girlfriend is so great then move in with her. What? You don't think you're ready for that commitment? Can't support yourself without your breadwinner wife? I cry tiny fake tears for you, man.

[BTDT2012]

Oh I'm not living in a prison. I've gone out to several parties and taken my kids to events and friends' houses, etc. It's just the coming and going. He gets to keep his home AND his mistress for some undetermined length of time?? Nah.

 

I'm no Tinder girl. My lawyer has advised waiting a year for dating. I don't know about that but In the meantime, I'm certainly not playing the shut-in misery game. Still doesn't help the constant tension of never knowing when or if he's going to just walk into my house, all smug in his stupid shoes and new relationship.

Can you take his crap to her house and dump it on the lawn? Especially with small children, I would advise against dating for a while. Men tend to assume that women who are newly separated asr just aching for sex. Don't fall into that trap.

[Kamikazeed]

You're doing a great job. You're keeping it together for your kids, seeing the big picture, etc.

 

I agree, figure out how to get home out and that's IT. Good-bye. If girlfriend is so great then move in with her. What? You don't think you're ready for that commitment? Can't support yourself without your breadwinner wife? I cry tiny fake tears for you, man.

This morning when he showed up LATE to pick the kids up for school, I told him I filled the papers out last night and would be filing with my lawyer today. He said, "I wish you wouldn't do it like this," and I just walked away. This isn't my doing but of course that one sentence is spinning in my mind all day, just like him saying the other night that he didn't want to be separate from me forever but "has to do what [he's] doing now.". I'm not stopping though; he has proven what he is willing to "do" with my trust and patience and hope. Time is up. Let's see if he can keep up with me in court costs. Ha.

[Kamikazeed]

Can you take his crap to her house and dump it on the lawn? Especially with small children, I would advise against dating for a while. Men tend to assume that women who are newly separated asr just aching for sex. Don't fall into that trap.

I don't know where she lives, but I do know where she works (with him). It's taking me a lot of grace to stop myself from calling or visiting his office and let the world know what they've been doing on their lunch breaks together.

 

Two things stop me: (1) If he loses his job, the kids suffer more because there is no way he will take my children to visit a nasty hellhole if he chooses or has to live in one, and I made that clear in the divorce paperwork; (2) I really want to hold my head high at the end of this all. I don't want to be that crazy oh-I-see-why-he-left-her wife, not to myself or my kids or people we know. It won't help anyway. It would be the same kind of momentary high he's getting off on with his girlfriend, and his life is falling apart because of it.

 

They go low; we go high.

 

It sure is fun to fantasize, though

Edited December 19, 2016 by Kamikazeed
Added info

[elaine567]

Two things stop me: (1) If he loses his job, the kids suffer more because there is no way he will take my children to visit a nasty hellhole if he chooses or has to live in one, and I made that clear in the divorce paperwork;

Yes, you are correct. You have to think clever here, no point in adopting a scorched earth policy when it is not in YOUR best interests to do that.

[ShatteredLady]

".....he didn't want to be separate from me forever but "has to do what [he's] doing now."."

 

Oh for goodness sake. What's wrong with some people?!?!!! He just has to destroy his family & rip your heart out. He just can't help himself!!! That's so far beyond cruel & pathetic.

 

One day he's going to wake-up & realize that he's made the very worst mistake of his life & it will be far too late! That's your revenge.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I truly am. My husband turns into Mr Childish Alien Monster. I know how shattering it is. I just wanted to shake some sense into him. No empathy! No heart! No soul! I still just don't understand how a supposedly intelligent human being can do this to another. It's so far beyond my comprehension. Truly shattering.

Edited December 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[Jump Through Loops]

@Kamikazeed,

You're doing great. Keep it up.

Edited December 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mz. Pixie]

I just read mostly the entire thread- well everything the OP posted.

 

First of all, I am so sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible time of year to be experiencing this, especially with your children being so young.

 

I tend not to beat around the bush so I will jump in quickly here-

 

1. Ignore comments about how your affair before you married might have caused this- first of all, it was before you married. Secondly, he married you after that so that means he agreed to move past that. Any musings on his part that this is your fault because of that are just complete and utter rubbish on his part and done to lift guilt from him onto your shoulders.

 

2. You sound like a self assured confident successful woman. That resonates with me because I am as well. It's funny to me when a woman compliments herself or says nice things about herself then others want to comment as if that is wrong somehow. Don't fall for that. No one else will toot your horn the way you will honey. and it appears you didn't get much in the way of support from this guy- so feel free to be your own best friend here.

 

Does he ever keep the children while you are away? I think that would be a great thing for you to begin- instead of having all the responsibility.

 

"I have plans x y and z nights and I need you to be available for the children". Then you dress up, look nice and go out and enjoy yourself. I don't give a crap if you set at a place all night with friends and do nothing. Go out and enjoy yourself. Come home late. Do not answer questions as to where you have been. Make it clear to him that he stays home with the kids that night- and no company allowed.

 

You are setting yourself up as his permanent babysitter while he runs off with OW. Don't do that.

 

He needs to be given a timeline as to when he must be finished with the basement- so that he can devote more time to it instead of getting a tingle with OW. If that doesn't work- think seriously about showing up at his work with all of his belongings and depositing them at his feet when he gets off work. And change the locks. Or sit the stuff on the front porch with a note and change the locks. Enough is enough.

 

He knows you as a strong self confident woman who has ran things thus far- but you are not showing that to him. Regardless if you are crumbling inside- be strong in interactions with him. Converse only about the children- and their welfare and what needs to be done. I know this hurts badly and you want to- but please do not beg or plead.

 

I recommend "Love must be tough" by James Dobson.

 

He's a conflict avoider and you're aggressive. That's not a good combination. Weak men cannot handle being married to strong women usually- I had to learn that lesson myself. That's not something you should apologize for- it's an attribute.

 

He doesn't want to fill out papers because he doesn't want this- he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants the wife and the mother and the mistress. Narrow his options for him.

[heartwhole]

This morning when he showed up LATE to pick the kids up for school, I told him I filled the papers out last night and would be filing with my lawyer today. He said, "I wish you wouldn't do it like this," and I just walked away. This isn't my doing but of course that one sentence is spinning in my mind all day, just like him saying the other night that he didn't want to be separate from me forever but "has to do what [he's] doing now.". I'm not stopping though; he has proven what he is willing to "do" with my trust and patience and hope. Time is up. Let's see if he can keep up with me in court costs. Ha.

 

"I wish YOU wouldn't do it like this . . ." Pray tell, how do you envision other women reacting when their husbands randomly decide one day that they're free to date other people? He's projecting the blame and action onto you. Nice try, buddy.

 

He doesn't want to separate from you forever but he has to run around with his girlfriend now? I mean, seriously. You're making it clear that that's not an option. I would never knowingly participate in a love triangle. I deserve a man who desires me and me only, who knows my worth. I'm not going to chase or plead with some dope who's hung up on someone else, even if he's my husband of 10 years, the father of my children, and the sole breadwinner.

[Kamikazeed]

I just read mostly the entire thread- well everything the OP posted.

 

First of all, I am so sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible time of year to be experiencing this, especially with your children being so young.

 

I tend not to beat around the bush so I will jump in quickly here-

 

1. Ignore comments about how your affair before you married might have caused this- first of all, it was before you married. Secondly, he married you after that so that means he agreed to move past that. Any musings on his part that this is your fault because of that are just complete and utter rubbish on his part and done to lift guilt from him onto your shoulders.

 

2. You sound like a self assured confident successful woman. That resonates with me because I am as well. It's funny to me when a woman compliments herself or says nice things about herself then others want to comment as if that is wrong somehow. Don't fall for that. No one else will toot your horn the way you will honey. and it appears you didn't get much in the way of support from this guy- so feel free to be your own best friend here.

 

Does he ever keep the children while you are away? I think that would be a great thing for you to begin- instead of having all the responsibility.

 

"I have plans x y and z nights and I need you to be available for the children". Then you dress up, look nice and go out and enjoy yourself. I don't give a crap if you set at a place all night with friends and do nothing. Go out and enjoy yourself. Come home late. Do not answer questions as to where you have been. Make it clear to him that he stays home with the kids that night- and no company allowed.

 

You are setting yourself up as his permanent babysitter while he runs off with OW. Don't do that.

 

He needs to be given a timeline as to when he must be finished with the basement- so that he can devote more time to it instead of getting a tingle with OW. If that doesn't work- think seriously about showing up at his work with all of his belongings and depositing them at his feet when he gets off work. And change the locks. Or sit the stuff on the front porch with a note and change the locks. Enough is enough.

 

He knows you as a strong self confident woman who has ran things thus far- but you are not showing that to him. Regardless if you are crumbling inside- be strong in interactions with him. Converse only about the children- and their welfare and what needs to be done. I know this hurts badly and you want to- but please do not beg or plead.

 

I recommend "Love must be tough" by James Dobson.

 

He's a conflict avoider and you're aggressive. That's not a good combination. Weak men cannot handle being married to strong women usually- I had to learn that lesson myself. That's not something you should apologize for- it's an attribute.

 

He doesn't want to fill out papers because he doesn't want this- he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants the wife and the mother and the mistress. Narrow his options for him.

I can't change the locks until we're divorced. It's illegal. I looked it up. We have been alternating days with the kids, and I have gone out a lot. I'm not chumping out at home while he runs around with OW. He has the kids tonight and I told him he should use it as an opportunity to actually finish the basement and get his stuff out. I told him he is no longer welcome there. He has ignored me completely about those messages. Told me I'm "not exactly approachable right now". Like, what? Should I give you a hug and talk about how hard this must be for you? **** you!