Husband admitted affair, "loves" her and me too, can't be married anymore

[elaine567]

He finally got his stuff out late last night. When he picked up the kids this morning, I had him wait at the door. Now I can begin to feel at peace in my home again, I hope.

 

Maybe that is good, maybe that is bad.

If he no longer lives there, the next step I guess is selling the house, no?

[Kamikazeed]

Maybe that is good, maybe that is bad.

If he no longer lives there, the next step I guess is selling the house, no?

No. I can afford the house. He can't. I will raise my kids and have a new life there. We just moved there in February and I've done all the painting and organizing and everything anyway, and the kids are settled with new neighborhood friends and a great back yard to play in. He was too stoned to help make the house what it is now for the kids, which drove me nuts at the time but is now a blessing. His presence will not continue to haunt me there like it would have the house we lived in the 8 years before.

[Mz. Pixie]

When will you get your biopsy results?

 

Forgive me for forgetting what kind of biopsy it is- but I had two biopsies for breast cancer and they came back the next day, which was a great relief.

 

Do you have good friends and family you can lean on there just in case anything happens?

 

I am glad he is gone-and that the house is fairly new and you can do what you please with it. And that you can afford it- as someone who has been a single mom- it's tough and I'm glad you won't have that worry. Have your attorney include the order for him to sign a deed of conveyance to you for the house.

 

I wish you much peace right now.

[Kamikazeed]

When will you get your biopsy results?

 

Forgive me for forgetting what kind of biopsy it is- but I had two biopsies for breast cancer and they came back the next day, which was a great relief.

 

Do you have good friends and family you can lean on there just in case anything happens?

 

I am glad he is gone-and that the house is fairly new and you can do what you please with it. And that you can afford it- as someone who has been a single mom- it's tough and I'm glad you won't have that worry. Have your attorney include the order for him to sign a deed of conveyance to you for the house.

 

I wish you much peace right now.

Breast lump is benign! Thank God. That was a hell of a week waiting for results.

[NTV]

That's great news on both fronts!

[BTDT2012]

Breast lump is benign! Thank God. That was a hell of a week waiting for results.

Great News! i have been through it, and the waiting is tough. Glad he is out of your house.

[Kamikazeed]

I haven't posted in a while. Family is in town, and we're having a great time. My stbxh recently told his friend that he would be working on becoming a better man, getting a better job and his own apartment, etc. I really hope he does. Maybe I enabled him all this time. Anyway, I want to wish all of you peace, love, and the happiest of holidays. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[Cymbeline]

I hope you have a peaceful and happy Christmas. I am full of awe and admiration for your strength, common sense and for the way you know

your own value.

[tinkerbell16]

Yes, his family knows and wants us to reconcile. They've been down this road with his mom, who keeps telling him it was the worst mistake of her life. His dad asked that he visit the monastery for a weekend before making any big decisions. We have had important experiences there, and it is an incredibly spiritual place. He refused to go, saying it would just be to make his dad and me feel better. He is barely eating and looks drawn and unhealthy. I wonder if he's suicidal, and a therapist I spoke with thinks the OW might see a flailing man and think she can save this one. He won't let me help him. I'm not proud of this, but I wept and begged. He started saying things about polyamory and a guy we know who has a wife and a girlfriend living with him and animals spreading seed and how infidelity is inevitable and how he missed sowing his wild oats and punching things as he sat inside his closet and I tried to talk some sense into him and told him I would work on myself too. I'm not perfect, not even close. I have issues and insecurities. Weve grown up together, and I want to keep growing with him. But I can't now. He ruined a good life. He wants me to be open to him dating outside our marriage, and that is NOT okay with me. He says things like, "I always thought you and I were different" like he wants me, after 12 loyal years, to accommodate him and his mistress. Nah.

 

My ex, after almost 30 years together, wanted to stay married and date other people. I noped his request in the form of serving divorce papers. Stay strong. You can't rebuild after they show this side of themselves unfortunately.

[tinkerbell16]

It kills me reading posts like this. I'm the mid 30s, single guy with the downtown high rise apartment, so naturally my friends going through these type of midlife crisis events gravitate towards me when this happens to them. Probably because their married friends don't have the time to put up with this crap. Like you, I've talked to them until I'm blue in the face, and nada. I've just come to the conclusion the person I previously knew is gone. Eventually I have to kick them out of here just like their spouse. I'm a single guy, not a babysitter.

 

Intelligence is sort of a prerequisite to being one of my friends. We're all a bunch of science and technology (STEM) workers, so you're gonna have a bad time with us if you can't keep up. I know for certain my friends that have gone through this have the capacity to understand their own behavior. I truly do believe there's something else going on behind the scenes. While it may present itself as a psychological problem, I really believe the roots lie in biology. These stories are all the same. People from all over the world, all backgrounds, environments, etc experiencing the same affliction.

 

I wonder if I'm immune to it? How can I turn into a big kid if I'm already one? Of course I still have a career, home, car and relationships so there's still some stuff to throw in the fire if I ever have my breakdown.

 

It's ironic watching my married, midlife crisisy friends envy my life. Sure, I have more freedom and less responsibility, but I wake here alone. There is no pitter patter of feet walking around in the morning. I never come home to smell of a meal cooked with love. No one makes me soup when I'm sick. Hell, If I died in my sleep last night, I doubt they would have found my body until Tuesday. At least it's freezing cold here, so I wouldn't stink up the building with my decomposition for a while. The grass isn't any greener on this side. I'm on the top floor, there's no grass up here at at all.

 

Herenorthere,

Thank you so much for the laugh and perspective. All of us here have been on one side or the other of the coin.

 

Grass is always greener where it is fertilized, but maybe this knowledge requires intelligence and self awareness these greener grass seeking individuals lack?

[tinkerbell16]

I haven't posted in a while. Family is in town, and we're having a great time. My stbxh recently told his friend that he would be working on becoming a better man, getting a better job and his own apartment, etc. I really hope he does. Maybe I enabled him all this time. Anyway, I want to wish all of you peace, love, and the happiest of holidays. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

That's awesome news on the biopsy. It's a fresh start on all fronts.

Enjoy this holiday, start new traditions and live in the moment.

 

Merry Christmas Kamikaze... the best is yet to come

[Miyoko]

Breast lump is benign! Thank God. That was a hell of a week waiting for results.

 

Great news! what a relief!

[waterwoman]

So pleased to here that kamikazeed xx

[Arieswoman]

KK #200

 

Told me I'm "not exactly approachable right now".

 

That's the sort of whiny crap that cheaters come out with when their cake supply is taken away.

 

My cheating exH told me that he thought the solicitor's letter asking him to leave was "nasty" and that I was being "unreasonable" for not continuing to wash, cook and clean.

 

I responded ; " you **** another woman in our bed and I'm 'nasty & unreasonable for not doing your laundry'? .... whaaaat ?! "

[Mz. Pixie]

KK #200

 

 

 

That's the sort of whiny crap that cheaters come out with when their cake supply is taken away.

 

My cheating exH told me that he thought the solicitor's letter asking him to leave was "nasty" and that I was being "unreasonable" for not continuing to wash, cook and clean.

 

I responded ; " you **** another woman in our bed and I'm 'nasty & unreasonable for not doing your laundry'? .... whaaaat ?! "

 

Disgusting.

[goodyblue]

KK #200

 

 

 

That's the sort of whiny crap that cheaters come out with when their cake supply is taken away.

 

My cheating exH told me that he thought the solicitor's letter asking him to leave was "nasty" and that I was being "unreasonable" for not continuing to wash, cook and clean.

 

I responded ; " you **** another woman in our bed and I'm 'nasty & unreasonable for not doing your laundry'? .... whaaaat ?! "

 

This is a case where burning the bed makes sense. Who was it that burned their sofa in the backyard?

[Kamikazeed]

KK #200

 

 

 

That's the sort of whiny crap that cheaters come out with when their cake supply is taken away.

 

My cheating exH told me that he thought the solicitor's letter asking him to leave was "nasty" and that I was being "unreasonable" for not continuing to wash, cook and clean.

 

I responded ; " you **** another woman in our bed and I'm 'nasty & unreasonable for not doing your laundry'? .... whaaaat ?! "

 

Wow. I'm so sorry you went through that. How is life now? How long has it been?

[tinkerbell16]

Wow. I'm so sorry you went through that. How is life now? How long has it been?

 

Kamikaze

Things will get better. I am a few years out and although my life is completely different I am happy, healthy, successfull and I have loved again...

It was a conscious choice though...

I could have easily (arguably would have been easier) wallowed in self pity and become depressed, lonely and miserable for the rest of my life lol

I channeled my anger. I got into yoga, pushed my business to the limit and ended up with the most successful year ever.

 

Keep focused on yourself. When you do start dating be selective. Very selective. It csn be easy to feed off attention of the wrong men after being betrayed. Self confidence takes a hit whether we like it or not. If you are attractive you will get a lot of attention from all sorts of men. It is better to be alone than with the wrong men. The wrong men will drain you of your energy and distract you from your growth and healing.

 

Hugs, Tink

[kiyoma]

Oh I'm not living in a prison. I've gone out to several parties and taken my kids to events and friends' houses, etc. It's just the coming and going. He gets to keep his home AND his mistress for some undetermined length of time?? Nah.

 

I'm no Tinder girl. My lawyer has advised waiting a year for dating. I don't know about that but In the meantime, I'm certainly not playing the shut-in misery game. Still doesn't help the constant tension of never knowing when or if he's going to just walk into my house, all smug in his stupid shoes and new relationship.

 

You don't seem to be doing too bad.

 

Several parties=Lots of chance to meet new men

 

I'm sure you will get over this soon (if not already).

[kiyoma]

I can't change the locks until we're divorced. It's illegal. I looked it up. We have been alternating days with the kids, and I have gone out a lot. I'm not chumping out at home while he runs around with OW. He has the kids tonight and I told him he should use it as an opportunity to actually finish the basement and get his stuff out

 

+this

 

Divorce time is usually extra effort for working people because of attorney, bank, insurance, property dealer appointments for people who are separating this and collecting information about assets and figuring out how to secure maximum coupled with children and providing them time in this turmoil and change.

 

But you seem to have a complete handle of things and they are moving so smoothly that you have a lot of time for personal recreation.

[Kamikazeed]

+this

 

Divorce time is usually extra effort for working people because of attorney, bank, insurance, property dealer appointments for people who are separating this and collecting information about assets and figuring out how to secure maximum coupled with children and providing them time in this turmoil and change.

 

But you seem to have a complete handle of things and they are moving so smoothly that you have a lot of time for personal recreation.

 

I didn't really have a choice but to go out on his nights until he finally moved out. Things have been super busy because of the holidays and people wanting to be here for me during this ****storm, but I'm so afraid of when that all falls away. I have already run out of energy to talk about it. People will assume I'm okay and understandably fall back into patterns of distant affection because adulting is so time consuming, and the loneliness will come. It's a beast scratching at the door now.

 

I can only work and go to the gym so much. I miss being touched and feeling secure in someone's love for me. I'm just trying to muddle through and not drink much now, but I'm definitely relying on Kratom and coffee during the day and Xanax at night so I don't cry uncontrollably everywhere I go with all my wonderful friends and family who want to support me.

 

I had a now-married ex reach out to me and told him I was glad to see how much he's matured since he used to treat me like a princess most of the time and **** on his shoe enough of the time for me to walk away. There was mental and some physical abuse; he had me selling weed when he couldn't make the drop-off; etc. He told me that he went to college to make himself a man i would want to be with again and fell into a dark hole of drugs, etc after I made it clear I would not be with him again and became so serious with my stbxh. He fathered a child who gave him a reason to live and is now successful and clean with a wife and two other children. It's so much like my dad's story. It's unhealthy for us to chat like this because of our intense history, and I told him he should tell his wife about the conversation so that she doesn't end up in a situation like mine. He hasn't responded to that, and a ****ed up part of me wants to continue the conversation, but I won't. I know that ****ed up part of me is getting desperate, and I hate that about myself.

 

Again, any advice is welcome. It feels like I'm alternating between feeling free and free falling.

[LifesontheUp]

Even though I wanted to divorce after 18 yrs together, I did have doubts whether I would survive on my own - I think its pretty normal.

 

Your friends and family will not just fall away, pick up the phone if you need too, or arrange a meet up over coffee or have them come visit for a meal. Now is the time to look at things that you always wanted to do but didn't - take up new hobbies, helping out charities etc. Fill some of your time, but also leave time to rest and grieve as this is one heck of an emotional rollercoaster.

 

It does get better, I promise, you'll have good days and bad, but as time goes on the good days outweigh the bad.

[tinkerbell16]

I didn't really have a choice but to go out on his nights until he finally moved out. Things have been super busy because of the holidays and people wanting to be here for me during this ****storm, but I'm so afraid of when that all falls away. I have already run out of energy to talk about it. People will assume I'm okay and understandably fall back into patterns of distant affection because adulting is so time consuming, and the loneliness will come. It's a beast scratching at the door now.

 

I can only work and go to the gym so much. I miss being touched and feeling secure in someone's love for me. I'm just trying to muddle through and not drink much now, but I'm definitely relying on Kratom and coffee during the day and Xanax at night so I don't cry uncontrollably everywhere I go with all my wonderful friends and family who want to support me.

 

I had a now-married ex reach out to me and told him I was glad to see how much he's matured since he used to treat me like a princess most of the time and **** on his shoe enough of the time for me to walk away. There was mental and some physical abuse; he had me selling weed when he couldn't make the drop-off; etc. He told me that he went to college to make himself a man i would want to be with again and fell into a dark hole of drugs, etc after I made it clear I would not be with him again and became so serious with my stbxh. He fathered a child who gave him a reason to live and is now successful and clean with a wife and two other children. It's so much like my dad's story. It's unhealthy for us to chat like this because of our intense history, and I told him he should tell his wife about the conversation so that she doesn't end up in a situation like mine. He hasn't responded to that, and a ****ed up part of me wants to continue the conversation, but I won't. I know that ****ed up part of me is getting desperate, and I hate that about myself.

 

Again, any advice is welcome. It feels like I'm alternating between feeling free and free falling.

 

Kamikazeed

 

This is exactly what I was "warning" you about. We have similar stories although I was with my ex for almost 30 years. He "fell in love" with a Co worker. I was considerably the more stable, stronger, more sucessful one in our marriage.

I had NO idea my marriage was in trouble. We were the couple people envied.

It was soul crushing, shocking and rocked my world in ways I am not sure I will ever entirely heal from.

 

It is easy to enjoy the attention from the wrong men after being betrayed but it will only leave you feeling broken and used.

 

You are hurting and your foundation is shaken... you are likely in the most vulnerable state of your life

 

I wish I had this site when my split happened.

 

Please do cut contact with the married ex. He is likely preying on your vulnerable state (which is a really sleezy move considering he is married).

 

Take your time to heal because if you enter into a relationship without that first you will attract the wrong men and it is doomed to fail.

 

I know though it is easier said than done.

 

My heart breaks for you...

 

I am several years post divorce and in a healthy relationship but I had to do a ton of healing first to get here.

 

Don't avoid the tears. Let them come. It is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign you are human and just had a huge sh*tstorm hit you. I tried to be so strong for my kids... it just delayed the mourning process though.

 

You got to go through it.

 

It's your mind and body doing what is necessary to heal.

 

Just remember your husband's actions do not define you, they define him.

 

And never ever ever place your value in someone else's hands.

 

Hugs, Tink

[aileD]

Sweetie. Clarity. The pain that you feel about your husbands affair......feel it.

 

Don't be a part of doing that to someone else. Someone just like you with kids.

 

It's just a way to avoid dealing with your pain. You have to feel it. You have to processs it you have to move through it and conquer it.

 

We have faith in you. We will be here. Find your strength here, not in a man who would probably do the same thing to his wife your husband did to you

[elaine567]

Its amazing how all these married exes suddenly pop out of the woodwork whenever there is a vulnerable, upset, distressed woman around.

They smell blood in the water...

Easy prey.