Husband admitted affair, "loves" her and me too, can't be married anymore

[BTDT2012]

I have read that several times too. People picking me apart: I'm self-absorbed, I don't love him, I should have been whatever, etc. it is very hard to read, and it is harder to get out of your head. When you love someone and trust him with your entire lifetime's happiness and companionship, then that person shatters your faith in humanity, THEN people with other agendas blame you, it's like the knife keeps stabbing deeper and twisting. I have to believe those people are wrong, just like our WSs are wrong. Blessings on you, friend.

 

Kamikazeed, take what you need and what applies to your situation, and leave the rest. I am glad that you have the support of your in-laws. Too often, people try to place blame on the betrayed spouse.

 

I went through a lot with my WS before he ended it once and for all with the OW. My WH didn't really see the light until I was done.

[BTDT2012]

In spite of what some want to believe, no WS has to cheat.they always have other choices, yet infidelity was the one they went with.

 

Your WH had plenty of chances to address his concerns over you cheating before you were married. He could have called off the wedding, asked for you to work with him to sort through his feelings, etc. He did none of that, and instead chose to get married, start a family and then pull the rug out from under you.

 

That is on him, and the excuse of " you cheated before we were married" doesn't wash. He's acting like a big baby, and one would think that, even only for the reason that you are the mother of his children, he should be concerned about your health. Right now, his head's too far up his rear to think of anyone but himself. He is not in your corner, and you can't trust him.

 

As per usual in these situations, he's got an ow his is willing to listen to the slop his slinging, but she's a big girl,and that is her own fault.

 

I know it's counterintuative, but you need to start the process of uncoupling form him. That means no conversations or niceties that are not related to your children. No doing favours for him, changing plans to accommodate him or anything else. Start living your own life.Spend time with friends, take your kids out to dinner and a movie, go on a weekend getaway with them,join a class on your own in a subject you have always been interested in, meet new friends ans start seeing this as the first day of the rest of your life- which will be as wonderful as you are willing to make it. Set boundaries in your life and stick to them. Get in touch with your own legal representation and find out what your rights and obligations are. Begin to make a plan for what your next steps will be. Doing that can help you feel more centered when your world feels like it's spinning out of control.

If you are a creative sort, channel some of your confusion into the creative process. Write, draw paint, sculpt, whatever. It's a great distraction and can help you work through some of the pain.

 

If it starts to feel like you are overwhelmed and beginning to shut down, please see your doctor and explain the situation. He or she has probably heard a similar story many times before, and can help get you set up with resources and support.

 

You will get through this. Get your support system in place and don't be afraid to use it. It's okay to depend on friends and family at a time like this. Even tough ladies like yourself need a good cry every once in a while.

The part in bold is what I had to do. And I prayed. A lot.

[Kamikazeed]

The part in bold is what I had to do. And I prayed. A lot.

I have been working on this. I have lined up evenings with friends and family to talk it out, go skating, go dancing, just drink ourselves into a rage fest, etc. I have my moments but am working to rebuild relationships that I have not had enough time for since marriage, and it is definitely helping a lot. Thanks for all the advice. You guys are awesome.

[NTV]

You guys are awesome.

 

So are you. And one day in the next year that will hit you full on like a 'duh' realization. Or at least that's what happened to me. It felt like a fever breaking. Still sick but the worst part was over. Even if it doesn't hit you like it did me, it's okay because everyone heals differently. Maybe you never forgot it like I did. Lol.

[Kamikazeed]

Kamikazeed, take what you need and what applies to your situation, and leave the rest. I am glad that you have the support of your in-laws. Too often, people try to place blame on the betrayed spouse.

 

I went through a lot with my WS before he ended it once and for all with the OW. My WH didn't really see the light until I was done.

Mine acts so nonchalant about it. It's like a nightmare. Did you experience any of that before saw "the light"? Did you divorce him? Sorry if that's too much to ask, and feel free to answer that's it's none of my business. I am a learner, and I am trying to learn everything I can about this and its potential aftermath. I appreciate your insight!

[BTDT2012]

Mine acts so nonchalant about it. It's like a nightmare. Did you experience any of that before saw "the light"? Did you divorce him? Sorry if that's too much to ask, and feel free to answer that's it's none of my business. I am a learner, and I am trying to learn everything I can about this and its potential aftermath. I appreciate your insight!

No, he was never nonchalant. We're working on reconciliation. He takes 100% ownership of his decision to cheat. And its still hard, I still have triggers.

[elaine567]

I think the nonchalance here is because he has made his mind up, he is done.

This, I guess, is what s called an "exit affair", not the usual "OMG I have been found out, please take me back, please please..."

No nonchalance there, more about panic and desperation.

 

Here he confessed, he told you he loves her, he doesn't want to go NC with her and he doesn't want to work with you on the marriage.

The affair no doubt gave him the courage to tell you it is over.

[Sweetfish]

I have read that several times too. People picking me apart: I'm self-absorbed, I don't love him, I should have been whatever, etc. it is very hard to read, and it is harder to get out of your head. When you love someone and trust him with your entire lifetime's happiness and companionship, then that person shatters your faith in humanity, THEN people with other agendas blame you, it's like the knife keeps stabbing deeper and twisting. I have to believe those people are wrong, just like our WSs are wrong. Blessings on you, friend.

 

 

Ill be honest i saw the post as self absorded originally, you wrote later that you said it out of anger. What your husband is doing is wrong.. but that doesnt not take out account that 2 close women in his life betrayed him in his life. You have to take in consideration that fact you also said you had your own problems too. So maybe in a way your husband always felt powerless. Years of being powerless and maybe now he feels enpowered by this female.

 

if this relationship some how turns for the better... you would like to know how to avoid it happening again. No one likes the realism of situations. Because the realistic card that will get pulled is...

 

"I took you back when you did it. So its fair you take me back"

 

And to be honest... i think you would take him back. I think if he droped this girl and went to MC you would take him back.

 

Thats the power of the forum.. you get different insight from people and you get scenarios before they happen like the example above. So you have ample time to think before they arrive.

 

Dont take it to heart what is being said by the posters... trust me your rare women indeed... but you have to look at every angle to say and think how can this work again or...

 

 

Work without him?

[Kamikazeed]

Ill be honest i saw the post as self absorded originally, you wrote later that you said it out of anger. What your husband is doing is wrong.. but that doesnt not take out account that 2 close women in his life betrayed him in his life. You have to take in consideration that fact you also said you had your own problems too. So maybe in a way your husband always felt powerless. Years of being powerless and maybe now he feels enpowered by this female.

 

if this relationship some how turns for the better... you would like to know how to avoid it happening again. No one likes the realism of situations. Because the realistic card that will get pulled is...

 

"I took you back when you did it. So its fair you take me back"

 

And to be honest... i think you would take him back. I think if he droped this girl and went to MC you would take him back.

 

Thats the power of the forum.. you get different insight from people and you get scenarios before they happen like the example above. So you have ample time to think before they arrive.

 

Dont take it to heart what is being said by the posters... trust me your rare women indeed... but you have to look at every angle to say and think how can this work again or...

 

 

Work without him?

I appreciate your honest interpretation. Although I have been struck hard by some comments here, I have worked to take them to heart and understand the reality of how I have not been a perfect wife and may have some small blame here. I do not accept that the blame is entirely, mostly, or even significantly mine, but I get that the pain he has suffered is a major player in this current trainwreck. Beyond offering to help him and grow with him through it, though, there is nothing I can do but what I am doing: moving on. Crying sometimes and locking myself in bathrooms sometimes and doing the driving and crying bit has become more sporadic, and I'm learning so much from this forum and from my other research, and despite whatever blame he may be willing to place on me and despite my plentiful personality faults, I do not deserve this, and I will continue to push forward in my life without him. I will be okay. My kids will be okay. He refused my help or the help of his faith or his family, but I hope he will be okay. This is hell, but life goes on. Maybe the OW really is the one for him, and maybe I'll find someone who'll put in as much work as I'm willing to put in to a relationship. Time will tell.

[NTV]

Oh I forgot to mention there is one other thing that you can do... you could paint half your face blue and scream "Frrrreeeeedddoooommmmmm!" That would be a really awesome Facebook post once the divorce is done lol. But that's just my opinion.

 

All those things you didn't do because he didn't want to.... TV shows you didn't watch.... Favorite foods that you didn't eat too often because he didn't like them.... guess what?

 

And all those little things you did for him? The little acts and gifts and things like that that you show that you loved him? Well they didn't stop him from cheating so they must not be that important right?

 

No you don't deserve the pain. I can't think of anybody who does. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

But you do deserve all the personal freedoms that you gave up to try to make your marriage work. I say Enjoy the things that you chose to give up. There's not too many things that could make it worse now anyway right?

[NTV]

Wow.... totally didn't mean to be a thread killer lol. Keep asking questions if you want or come across something that sucks you down a rabbit hole. There's a helleva lot of 'em when it comes to this.

[Kamikazeed]

Wow.... totally didn't mean to be a thread killer lol. Keep asking questions if you want or come across something that sucks you down a rabbit hole. There's a helleva lot of 'em when it comes to this.

I have been in my head s lot today.I messed up and broke the 180 rule. I screamed and cried in front of him. He forgot about my biopsy, and it was like complete betrayal all over again. He screamed back about how he may have forgotten in the moment but didn't really forget and how I'm making up all these scenarios in my head and don't really understand. I said, No **** I don't understand! I've been trying so hard to understand but all I have are crumbs of a life I fully believed in! He said he can't explain it and doesn't understand it either, and at one point he said he hasn't even spoken to OW (but said it in a way that was more like it slipped out than he intended for me to know that) and does not want to be separated from me for the rest of his life but has to do what he's doing now. He wouldn't answer wtf it is that he's doing or what he meant. I am such a mess of conflicting feelings and emotions, and I know that's normal, but WTF. I want him to beg my forgiveness. I want to never see him again. I want to data other people. I want to be with only him forever. I love himso much. I hate him with everything in me. How will I ever be the person I was before this??? He's been sleeping here the last several nights but isn't here tonight. I can't stand him being in and out of the house. It's like ripping the wound open over and over. If he's here, I'm enraged. If he's not, I'm depressed wondering if bhe's out laughing with his girlfriend about how pathetic or otherwise terrible I am.

[Sweetfish]

I have been in my head s lot today.I messed up and broke the 180 rule. I screamed and cried in front of him. He forgot about my biopsy, and it was like complete betrayal all over again. He screamed back about how he may have forgotten in the moment but didn't really forget and how I'm making up all these scenarios in my head and don't really understand. I said, No **** I don't understand! I've been trying so hard to understand but all I have are crumbs of a life I fully believed in! He said he can't explain it and doesn't understand it either, and at one point he said he hasn't even spoken to OW (but said it in a way that was more like it slipped out than he intended for me to know that) and does not want to be separated from me for the rest of his life but has to do what he's doing now. He wouldn't answer wtf it is that he's doing or what he meant. I am such a mess of conflicting feelings and emotions, and I know that's normal, but WTF. I want him to beg my forgiveness. I want to never see him again. I want to data other people. I want to be with only him forever. I love himso much. I hate him with everything in me. How will I ever be the person I was before this??? He's been sleeping here the last several nights but isn't here tonight. I can't stand him being in and out of the house. It's like ripping the wound open over and over. If he's here, I'm enraged. If he's not, I'm depressed wondering if bhe's out laughing with his girlfriend about how pathetic or otherwise terrible I am.

 

You need to proceed with NC

Only contact when children are around.

Start processing the divorce.

 

This is the ONLY way you will have any advantage.

 

Everything else is a waste of time...

 

He will never ever find a women like you. Trust me.

[Cymbeline]

I suspect he will be back. You sound too together and capable to actually be given up on. It is possible he's ended up feeling rather 'less than' and this girl makes him feel dominant. He is likely having some kind of existential crisis.

 

There is plenty of literature on this. Try very hard to be calm and not to be sucked into the drama as this plays into the Karpman drama triangle (you can look it up) . It also ups the anxiety on every level. In addition, your responses are probably frightening him.

 

This gets much easier with a bit of time and distance. Get some professional help to assist you in holding on to yourself until things become clearer and you realise you have both power and choices in this too.

[LifesontheUp]

Kamikazeed

 

Sorry you are here.

 

I thought my xH was gone to when I found out about his affair (we were together 18yrs) when he told me he couldn't leave his crutch, the love of his life yada yada. But within in 2 weeks of me throwing him out, he was back begging for forgiveness and wanting it to work.

 

I tried, but I didn't love him anymore, and over the years I have realised that I would never take back a cheater - that is how I feel.

 

From what you have wrote, he is gone. You now need to start looking after you. If he tries to come back at a later date you may not even want him.

 

There is life after this happens, even if you think it won't be any better while you are on this rollercoaster.

 

I wish you luck in moving on with your life. You are worth more than being treated like this - just start believing it.

[NTV]

I have been in my head s lot today.I messed up and broke the 180 rule. I screamed and cried in front of him. He forgot about my biopsy, and it was like complete betrayal all over again. He screamed back about how he may have forgotten in the moment but didn't really forget and how I'm making up all these scenarios in my head and don't really understand. I said, No **** I don't understand! I've been trying so hard to understand but all I have are crumbs of a life I fully believed in! He said he can't explain it and doesn't understand it either, and at one point he said he hasn't even spoken to OW (but said it in a way that was more like it slipped out than he intended for me to know that) and does not want to be separated from me for the rest of his life but has to do what he's doing now. He wouldn't answer wtf it is that he's doing or what he meant. I am such a mess of conflicting feelings and emotions, and I know that's normal, but WTF. I want him to beg my forgiveness. I want to never see him again. I want to data other people. I want to be with only him forever. I love himso much. I hate him with everything in me. How will I ever be the person I was before this??? He's been sleeping here the last several nights but isn't here tonight. I can't stand him being in and out of the house. It's like ripping the wound open over and over. If he's here, I'm enraged. If he's not, I'm depressed wondering if bhe's out laughing with his girlfriend about how pathetic or otherwise terrible I am.

 

Yeah I had days like that too. Chalk it up to one day at a time. Did you start that journal I mentioned? One he can see on the bedside table that has all the pain in it. He'll wonder if it's divorce plan and read at some point. .. so everything you want to tell him can be written there. .. lol just don't put any real divorce plans there. Keep those in your head. Protect them like nuclear launch codes.

 

To he continued. ..

[NTV]

As far as the pushing his buttons thing I mentioned earlier... If you come up with one that's really good then save it for mediation. Once you figure out which string goes where for him, keep that knowledge on standby to get the best deal you can.

 

You said when do you get back to the you that you were before this? You don't. I get what you mean because I felt like it broke me on the inside too. And in a way it does. The truth is once you start healing you don't want to be the old you. The old me was naive and didn't see the signs of my wife cheating. He believed her words. I don't want to be fooled again. I don't want to feel that pain again. And if that means I've got to keep my feet closer to the ground then that's what I'll do.

 

I also ended up reaching inside myself to find the plotter, the schemer, the guy who thinks like a spider. And honestly, I like that part of me. Doesn't mean I'm joining the dark side just that now I'm always thinking in layers and moves and the consequences of the consequences of the consequences. I always agreed with 'honesty is the best policy" before. Now that idea just feels dull and boring.

 

Not that I do that on here... on here and with my kids is where I get most my benevolent kindness out. Every where else is fair game to me.

 

So what I'm getting at is that you even if you could go back chances are by the time the pain has faded you won't want to.

 

Just the thoughts of a stranger on the Internet.

[waterwoman]

kamikazeed - so so sorry for you. This is so hard. I completely understand the confusion and the contradiction. You expressed it beautifully x

 

I just wanted to say two things.

 

1. Ignore those posters who claimed it was your fault and you were somehow to blame. They are talking out of an orifice lower than their mouths! Being successful, being energetic, being capable is NOT a bad thing. We all have a duty to be the best we can - if your H has an issue with this, that's on HIM not on you. I strongly suspect that my H's affair might well have had a similar root but never once did I accept blame for that. I supported him through university, earned more money than him, did the vast majority of the housework, and when the kids arrived I did more of the childcare too. Yes I was pissed off at him at times but I still loved him and supported him wholeheartedly. Was it my fault that he found that hard? No no no! It was all on him. He could have stepped up to the plate and taken some of the burden off me but he chose to get too close to a woman whose life was a mess to whom he could play the part of a KISA. So much easier in prospect, so much more disastrous in retrospect. Idiot!

 

Regarding your affair, it happened before you were married, many years ago. You confessed and he still wanted to marry you. If there were residual issues for him the time to deal with that was a long time ago. He's using it as an excuse to behave like a selfish ****!

 

2. Whatever is going on in his selfish head at the moment, you can't fix it. 180 him as hard as you can. Let him take the consequences of his actions and feel them fully. When/if he gets his head out of his arse you can choose whether or not to give him the chance to reconcile.

 

Good luck xx

[wmacbride]

I have been in my head s lot today.I messed up and broke the 180 rule. I screamed and cried in front of him. He forgot about my biopsy, and it was like complete betrayal all over again. He screamed back about how he may have forgotten in the moment but didn't really forget and how I'm making up all these scenarios in my head and don't really understand. I said, No **** I don't understand! I've been trying so hard to understand but all I have are crumbs of a life I fully believed in! He said he can't explain it and doesn't understand it either, and at one point he said he hasn't even spoken to OW (but said it in a way that was more like it slipped out than he intended for me to know that) and does not want to be separated from me for the rest of his life but has to do what he's doing now. He wouldn't answer wtf it is that he's doing or what he meant. I am such a mess of conflicting feelings and emotions, and I know that's normal, but WTF. I want him to beg my forgiveness. I want to never see him again. I want to data other people. I want to be with only him forever. I love himso much. I hate him with everything in me. How will I ever be the person I was before this??? He's been sleeping here the last several nights but isn't here tonight. I can't stand him being in and out of the house. It's like ripping the wound open over and over. If he's here, I'm enraged. If he's not, I'm depressed wondering if bhe's out laughing with his girlfriend about how pathetic or otherwise terrible I am.

 

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Bullsh@t ( excuse my language)

 

So he gets to trample all over you while he - to use a term people in his situation seem to love= "explores his feelings for the ow "? What a load of bologna.

 

He needs to be out of the house as soon as possible. The stress he is putting on you and your kids is not worth it.

 

See a lawyer ASAP to find out what your rights are with respect to the house. Can he be asked to leave? If so, then do it. He;snot without resources. let his ow take care of him and she can see for herself how much of a prince charming he is. I have a strong suspicion that once you are no longer there to prop up the A, it will end quite quickly, and if that happens, you can see where you are.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself for breaking your 180. It happens. I was lucky,in a weird way, as my spouse was thousands of km away and I had no way to contact him easily. Remember, this tactic isn't to make him want to come back to the M, it's to give you some space, direction and breathing room. It's also a helpful form of "autopilot" when you are feeling confused.

 

I'm not sure about you, but I reached a point where my ws was either going to be all in or all out. I wasn't going to accept any waffling, and I spoke to a lawyer who was also a family friend.His advice was to tell my ws I had been speaking with legal counsel, and due to the circumstances,a divorce would be relatively quick and easy for me. He advised me to wait for one day and see how he responded before deciding what I wanted to do. He explained that for some guys, an A can seen almost unreal when they are in it, and having the reality of the situation smack them in the face so to speak can bring them back down to earth. They either decide that a divorce really is what they want, or they finally see that it's not all some sort of game where they can move the pieces as they please and expect you to wait while they sow their wild oats.

 

he is a married father,not some teenager who can go mooning about like a jackass and then come home when he decides he's gotten all of this crap out of his system. You are his wife, not his mother and to expect you to wait in agony for him is just plain wrong. Take the ball out of his court.the decision for him to stay or go is no longer up to him- it's up to you.

 

best of luck in all of this. I know it feels like your life is imploding,and in a way, it is. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. You can be like the proverbial phoenix, rising up from all of this. You'll be stronger,more confident and ready to meet the rest of your life head on.

Edited December 16, 2016 by wmacbride

[Just a Guy]

Hi Kamikazeed, yours is indeed a sad story. Reading through your thread I was reminded of the story of Jennifer26 whose thread is posted in the Separation and Divorce sub forum. It is titled "I walked out today with my kids". Although there was no infidelity involved in her case she, like you, is a strong woman capable of living life on her own. Her husband had an addiction problem and, like in your case, brought in less money than her. She ran a successful business. It might be worth your while to read some of her story because, although infidelity was not involved, it parallels your life to an extent. In any case you may draw some benefit in reading how she handled her problems. Sadly, she did not return to the forum at the end to let the forum folk know whether she was successful in reconciling with her husband. My own impression is that she did. Like you she was a very courageous lady.

 

Having read through your thread I get the impression that your husband is caught up on an emotional time warp. As someone suggested he is at the level of a teenager or a young adult who has not matured both emotionally and intellectually to the level at which he should be, given his age and responsibilities as a husband and father. As some have suggested maybe he feels emasculated by you through no fault of your own. The thing is if you could improve on yourself and acquire additional qualifications so could he. His disinclination to do so indicates he is an escapist shunning responsibilities which are rightfully his. I do not know what his IQ levels are but unless they are dreadfully low he is like any body else with enough brains and intellectual capacity to improve his qualifications and get a better and higher paying job. Maybe his self esteem is shot through. You would know better because you have been with him for twelve years. I would not give too much credence to the argument that some people are making that because his mother cheated on his father when he was a child and because you cheated(?) when you were at the start of your relationship with him, that that has affected him so adversely that he is now having an affair of his own. His having an affair is more likely because of his low self esteem and because he is an escapist looking for an easy way out of his rightful share of responsibilities as a husband and father. It is apparent that in the OW he finds somebody who stokes his ego the right way and makes him feel good about himself. With her there are no comparisons. She likely earns as much as he does or maybe even less than him. If you were to research her situation you may find that she occupies a lower level than him in the company hierarchy. Couple that with the fact that her husband committed suicide ten years ago and you have a woman desperate for live and attention with a brood of kids to look after and no one to help and support her. In steps your husband, her 'Knight in Shining Armour' and the conditions for an affair are complete.

 

Before I go any further I wanted to ask you what exactly you saw in your husband all those years ago that attracted you to him? I understand that at the time you yourself were probably like him, carefree and footloose. However, the reality of marriage made you mature rather fast whereas he got left behind in your tear view mirror. However there must have been something that you intuitively saw in him which made you fall in live and hitch your wagon to him. So what was it? Having said that I have to say that your marriage, such as it is, has run it's course. As some have said it seems your husband has had an exit affair and although he may be hanging around physically, emotionally he is with his OW. I know that you are sad and are fighting for your marriage but as they say 'It takes two to tango'. As so many good folk have advised you, you should take back control and file for divorce. Have him served. If that one fact wakes him up to reality well good for you. If it does'nt then you would not have wasted time and emotional capital on a man who is not what he appeared to be twelve years ago. One more thing. You said you cheated on him early in your relationship. Were you two exclusive at the time or had just started dating and were free to date others? That will clarify to some extent whether he was justified in holding this fact against you. Warm wishes.

[BTDT2012]

Kamikazeed, cut yourself some slack. And I do recommend that you start journaling, just don't put any plans in the journal. I spent was too much time trying to understand. You can't unravel the "skein of ****upedness" as I read on another site. Will he leave if you ask him to? Can you enlist his family to get him to leave?

[Kamikazeed]

You need to proceed with NC

Only contact when children are around.

Start processing the divorce.

 

This is the ONLY way you will have any advantage.

 

Everything else is a waste of time...

 

He will never ever find a women like you. Trust me.

You're right that the fighting is a waste of time. It feels helpless. I shouldn't have asked about why he forgot my biopsy, but I do have to know when he will finish fixing the basement so I can rent it out. He won't tell me when he'll be finished, and my lawyer says I can't kick him out legally until we're divorced. Its all so frustrating. And terribly sad.

[Kamikazeed]

Yeah I had days like that too. Chalk it up to one day at a time. Did you start that journal I mentioned? One he can see on the bedside table that has all the pain in it. He'll wonder if it's divorce plan and read at some point. .. so everything you want to tell him can be written there. .. lol just don't put any real divorce plans there. Keep those in your head. Protect them like nuclear launch codes.

 

To he continued. ..

I haven't been journaling anywhere but here really. I'll sheepishly admit that I check this thread constantly, though, and the feedback is helping a lot. My life is super busy between teaching without a planning period and the kids and house and grading and planning and trying to now spending every other night away from the house with friends and the biopsy and ugh. I pass out wen I sit down for any length of time. Or I research surviving infidelity until I pass out. Then come the nightmares, or worse, the good dreams followed by waking up and immediately remembering what's happening in my life. I sound so pathetic. This. Sucks.

[aileD]

Your husband sounds like mine when he was in the A (we are R now).

 

-He fell in love

-was done with the marriage

-but didn't want me out of his life

-but HAD to do what he was doing

 

Bla bla bla. It's all crap. Let her have him. stop talking to him. I told my H that if he was going to leave me for someone else that was fine but I don't want to be friends with him or know him anymore because it would be too hurtful for me. That our kids were old enough he could just call them and make plans with them if they wanted to see him.

 

He's like "I can't not have you in my life". Well what did he expect? You think I'm going to be ok with being friends with you while some other girl lives the life I was supposed to have? I said no, No matter how much it hurts I couldn't know him anymore because it would hurt me even more.

 

Then oh..then he realizes that maybe he should think this through a little harder and that everything wasn't going to be his way and his fantasy he saw in his mind. You want the reality of divorce? Your kids don't want to visit you and your "best friend" can't have you in her life anymore . Oh well, go enjoy your awesome love affair soulmate fantasy girl.

 

I did a lot of things wrong when we were going thru this. I begged. I cried, I clung. But I stood steady to he fact that I could not have him in my life as ANYTHING if he was going to leave me for another woman.

 

And it made him stop and think of this was what he really wanted. For us it worked out. It may not for you. Everyone is different. But set some rules

[Kamikazeed]

Your husband sounds like mine when he was in the A (we are R now).

 

-He fell in love

-was done with the marriage

-but didn't want me out of his life

-but HAD to do what he was doing

 

Bla bla bla. It's all crap. Let her have him. stop talking to him. I told my H that if he was going to leave me for someone else that was fine but I don't want to be friends with him or know him anymore because it would be too hurtful for me. That our kids were old enough he could just call them and make plans with them if they wanted to see him.

 

He's like "I can't not have you in my life". Well what did he expect? You think I'm going to be ok with being friends with you while some other girl lives the life I was supposed to have? I said no, No matter how much it hurts I couldn't know him anymore because it would hurt me even more.

 

Then oh..then he realizes that maybe he should think this through a little harder and that everything wasn't going to be his way and his fantasy he saw in his mind. You want the reality of divorce? Your kids don't want to visit you and your "best friend" can't have you in her life anymore . Oh well, go enjoy your awesome love affair soulmate fantasy girl.

 

I did a lot of things wrong when we were going thru this. I begged. I cried, I clung. But I stood steady to he fact that I could not have him in my life as ANYTHING if he was going to leave me for another woman.

 

And it made him stop and think of this was what he really wanted. For us it worked out. It may not for you. Everyone is different. But set some rules

Do you mind telling me how things are going now? How old was he when it happened? Are you in counseling? I just don't know that I could ever look at him the same again.