Husband admitted affair, "loves" her and me too, can't be married anymore

[elaine567]

You'll do this the same way you do anything else - one foot in front of the other. There's a whole world waiting out there for you. It can get lonely up here on the top floor, but the view is AMAZING.

 

This is also an inspiring read from another poster today.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/605612-when-they-say-don-t-contact-listen

[HereNorThere]

The world is your oyster, OP. It's a lot better than you can you can even imagine. Oh the places you will go!

 

Imgur: The most awesome images on the Internet

[Kamikazeed]

The world is your oyster, OP. It's a lot better than you can you can even imagine. Oh the places you will go!

 

Imgur: The most awesome images on the Internet

You're right, HereNorThere. Thanks for the perspective shift

 

I wonder about your story, though. What brought you to this sub?

[HereNorThere]

You're right, HereNorThere. Thanks for the perspective shift

 

I wonder about your story, though. What brought you to this sub?

 

Probably Google and a broken heart, lol. Not much different than everyone else. As it relates to your post, the people suggested individual therapy and from there I became really interested in psychology. Like you, I didn't realize there was a lot more on my shoulders than I was aware of. I took responsibility for my issues and life improved for me. After that, I felt a responsibility to try and help more people to repay my debt to anonymous Internet strangers. It's important that people see all sides of the story. I'm single but I feel like my perspective can help everyone regardless of their relationship status. I've also worked in information technology since age 15 or so which means I'm in the last group that experienced the world before and after the Internet revolution. It helps me relate to older and younger people more than someone who hasn't.

 

I took a break for a while from relationship forums and lived life for the summer. Now I'm snowed in and decided I should continue to repay my debt. I read your post laying in bed on Thursday and it made my blood boil because these people like your H are going off like landmines in my life. (Your H owes me two Xanax and a couple hours worth of sleep, btw.) I saw the people trying to blameshift your situation and knew deep down that in my experience, there's actually very little you could have done to have prevented this. I promised myself I'd make time to post Friday and when I had to wait on some software updates for work, my fingers vomited that first post.

 

Good things really are coming for you. That weight lifts off your chest and you emerge enlightened. I hope you stick around and help others with what you have learned. Change that username, download whatever apps people are using these days for online dating, post in the dating section and we'll help you with that as well! Besides, we love awkward date stories. They're way better than tragic marriage threads.

Edited December 18, 2016 by HereNorThere

[Kamikazeed]

Probably Google and a broken heart, lol. Not much different than everyone else. As it relates to your post, the people suggested individual therapy and from there I became really interested in psychology. Like you, I didn't realize there was a lot more on my shoulders than I was aware of. I took responsibility for my issues and life improved for me. After that, I felt a responsibility to try and help more people to repay my debt to anonymous Internet strangers. It's important that people see all sides of the story. I'm single but I feel like my perspective can help everyone regardless of their relationship status. I've also worked in information technology since age 15 or so which means I'm in the last group that experienced the world before and after the Internet revolution. It helps me relate to older and younger people more than someone who hasn't.

 

I took a break for a while from relationship forums and lived life for the summer. Now I'm snowed in and decided I should continue to repay my debt. I read your post laying in bed on Thursday and it made my blood boil because these people like your H are going off like landmines in my life. (Your H owes me two Xanax and a couple hours worth of sleep, btw.) I saw the people trying to blameshift your situation and knew deep down that in my experience, there's actually very little you could have done to have prevented this. I promised myself I'd make time to post Friday and when I had to wait on some software updates for work, my fingers vomited that first post.

 

Good things really are coming for you. That weight lifts off your chest and you emerge enlightened. I hope you stick around and help others with what you have learned. Change that username, download whatever apps people are using these days for online dating, post in the dating section and we'll help you with that as well! Besides, we love awkward date stories. They're way better than tragic marriage threads.

I appreciate all of you so much, and I will do as you suggest and help others online when I can see the light you all swear is at the end of this **** hole.

 

I have a new question: some people are telling me to sleep with someone else, that doing so would help me get past this. What are your thoughts on that?

 

As of today, I texted him that I will be filling out the papers at 8:00 tonight and if he wants to follow through with an uncontested divorce, he better be here to have some say in what I write. Otherwise, I told him, this will get expensive and we will fight it out in court.

[HereNorThere]

I appreciate all of you so much, and I will do as you suggest and help others online when I can see the light you all swear is at the end of this **** hole.

 

I have a new question: some people are telling me to sleep with someone else, that doing so would help me get past this. What are your thoughts on that?

 

As of today, I texted him that I will be filling out the papers at 8:00 tonight and if he wants to follow through with an uncontested divorce, he better be here to have some say in what I write. Otherwise, I told him, this will get expensive and we will fight it out in court.

 

I think you should put your feet in the water before jumping of the diving board. Maybe you're different, but I think most people would feel pretty empty sleeping with some rando this soon. If you have been out of the dating world a while, you need to get your strength up first. It's a cruel out there and I wouldn't want you to do something that makes you feel worse.

 

Meet people and get used to the social interaction of dating. Find someone who understands your situation, genuinely cares and has the patience to work with you. Make some new friends and go from there. Your mileage may very but you wouldn't be the first person to bite off more than they can chew because they were trying to heal a broken heart. Baby steps

[MidnightBlue1980]

I appreciate all of you so much, and I will do as you suggest and help others online when I can see the light you all swear is at the end of this **** hole.

 

I have a new question: some people are telling me to sleep with someone else, that doing so would help me get past this. What are your thoughts on that?

 

As of today, I texted him that I will be filling out the papers at 8:00 tonight and if he wants to follow through with an uncontested divorce, he better be here to have some say in what I write. Otherwise, I told him, this will get expensive and we will fight it out in court.

 

I do not advocate aimlessly sleeping around, it will not make you feel empowered, you may end up feeling used or attached to a random person you just met. However you can go online and date up a storm and kiss as many new men as possible. That is always fun and tends to leave a woman feeling good about herself.

[HereNorThere]

The better question is, how do YOU feel about that, OP? Everyone is different, but from my experience in dating, more women than not overestimate what they can handle. They talk a big game but once those brain chemicals start flooding, all bets are off.

[Cymbeline]

Don't listen too much to other people. You know yourself and your partner best. Also, whilempeople have your best interests at heart, unconsciously they often get caught up in the Drama. You need to keep the drama to a minimum not ramp it up. The desperation of these weeks will become more apparent as time goes by. Just do something to encourage your own peace and comfort each day.

 

Ita not my business but I wouldn't go in too hard with the divorce stuff. Take things slowly. There's a lot to unwrap still.

Good luck

[Kamikazeed]

The better question is, how do YOU feel about that, OP? Everyone is different, but from my experience in dating, more women than not overestimate what they can handle. They talk a big game but once those brain chemicals start flooding, all bets are off.

The only experience I have with it was a good one. I rebounded with a guy in college and had a great time. It helped me understand some of what I did and did not have to put up with in a man. Of course, I was only 18 or so at the time, and I'm obviously a much different person now and that relationship had been abusive and only 3 years long. The situation is different totally. I know the theories; just looking for insight into personal stories.

 

Still, I'm sure it isn't a healthy way to move on. I never looked around while I was married but I find myself checking people out all the time now. I am beginning to feel those tingles again instead of avoidant disgust when men hit on me, and I worry I'll have trouble stopping myself if I get into an intense situation. I'm probably sharing too much :/

[Kamikazeed]

The only experience I have with it was a good one. I rebounded with a guy in college and had a great time. It helped me understand some of what I did and did not have to put up with in a man. Of course, I was only 18 or so at the time, and I'm obviously a much different person now and that relationship had been abusive and only 3 years long. The situation is different totally. I know the theories; just looking for insight into personal stories.

 

Still, I'm sure it isn't a healthy way to move on. I never looked around while I was married but I find myself checking people out all the time now. I am beginning to feel those tingles again instead of avoidant disgust when men hit on me, and I worry I'll have trouble stopping myself if I get into an intense situation. I'm probably sharing too much :/

To be clear, I was disgusted because anyone who hit on me before could clearly see my wedding ring. I'm not wearing one now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

The only experience I have with it was a good one. I rebounded with a guy in college and had a great time. It helped me understand some of what I did and did not have to put up with in a man. Of course, I was only 18 or so at the time, and I'm obviously a much different person now and that relationship had been abusive and only 3 years long. The situation is different totally. I know the theories; just looking for insight into personal stories.

 

Still, I'm sure it isn't a healthy way to move on. I never looked around while I was married but I find myself checking people out all the time now. I am beginning to feel those tingles again instead of avoidant disgust when men hit on me, and I worry I'll have trouble stopping myself if I get into an intense situation. I'm probably sharing too much :/

 

You can share away as long as you are not like some people who use everyone's real names and identifying details. This is assuming you want to protect your identity.

 

As for personal stories (all affair stuff aside), dating helped me after my divorce. I went on a dating site and yes, it certainly is depressing at times to have a string of first dates with people who you have no interest in, but there are times where you have fun, some laughs, and it's just good to get out there and keep yourself fresh. Out of maybe 100 guys that I met, I think I actually got physical with 2 and dated each for a few months. The reality is that at least for me, I just am not attracted to 99% of men I meet.

 

There are other things you can do to keep yourself feeling alive and hopeful. I got a puppy, started running (all sad divorced people must do races), met new friends on meetup, and went to a foreign country with a bunch of women I had just met. Think of this as a time to reinvent yourself and do all the things you ever wanted to do. Learn a new language, cooking classes, dancing. Whatever. Just don't sit in sadness, get out there and live.

[Kamikazeed]

Don't listen too much to other people. You know yourself and your partner best. Also, whilempeople have your best interests at heart, unconsciously they often get caught up in the Drama. You need to keep the drama to a minimum not ramp it up. The desperation of these weeks will become more apparent as time goes by. Just do something to encourage your own peace and comfort each day.

 

Ita not my business but I wouldn't go in too hard with the divorce stuff. Take things slowly. There's a lot to unwrap still.

Good luck

I have to push hard with the divorce. He's still dating her. I cannot be married to a man who will date another woman while I struggle through this on my own. I can't let him come and go as he pleases in my home, and I can't kick him out unless we divorce. This is making me insane. He has to go.

[HereNorThere]

Once again, I've seen this movie before. Yeah, DONT DO THAT. No matter what you think you can handle, that rationality goes right out the window when your brain gets flooded with those chemicals. Women with way more experience than you still can't handle that.

 

Now you're in my world, the dating world. Even the most seasoned women make this mistake. FWB, NSA, etc. always starts out on equal footing, but at least half the time someone ends up leaving here disappointed and it wasn't because of the sex. You can try to make logical sense of emotions, put up boundaries, prepare yourself, but emotions do not care about your logic.

 

You need to make these men work for your attention. They won't appreciate it unless you do. Don't make matters worse by doing something you'll regret.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is also an inspiring read from another poster today.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/605612-when-they-say-don-t-contact-listen

 

Wow. Powerful post.

[HereNorThere]

I have to push hard with the divorce. He's still dating her. I cannot be married to a man who will date another woman while I struggle through this on my own. I can't let him come and go as he pleases in my home, and I can't kick him out unless we divorce. This is making me insane. He has to go.

 

How hard do you really have to push? Get him served and move on. There's no pushing involved. It's only you having the guts to pull the trigger.

[Kamikazeed]

How hard do you really have to push? Get him served and move on. There's no pushing involved. It's only you having the guts to pull the trigger.

I want us to decide together to avoid thousands in legal fees. If we can do this uncontested, it will only cost the $1K I have on retainer for my lawyer

[HereNorThere]

I want us to decide together to avoid thousands in legal fees. If we can do this uncontested, it will only cost the $1K I have on retainer for my lawyer

 

Good luck with that. Not saying it's impossible, but it's more than likely improbable. Your H is a wreck so expecting any kind of rational behavior out of him is unlikely.

 

Maybe you can bribe him with a new bike or an Xbox? That's the maturity level you're dealing with right now.

 

Buying your freedom has never been cheap in this world. There isn't a person here who hasn't had to pay through the nose because of a relationship.

 

Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.

Edited December 18, 2016 by HereNorThere

[MidnightBlue1980]

Good luck with that. Not saying it's impossible, but it's more than likely improbable. Your H is a wreck so expecting any kind of rational behavior out of him is unlikely.

 

Maybe you can bribe him with a new bike or an Xbox? That's the maturity level you're dealing with right now.

 

Buying your freedom has never been cheap in this world. There isn't a person here who hasn't had to pay through the nose because of a relationship.

 

Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.

 

Actually, yea. If you really want a divorce, this is the best time. He will probably agree to anything to be with this woman. If you wait, eventually the fog will lift and he will freak out and you will never get rid of him. Most of these guys who leave, they tend to come back once they realize, crap I am in another relationship. I miss my wife.

 

And yes, it is expensive. I gave every dollar I had including my car to get my ex to sign. He dragged it out for a year, costing me thousands in legal bills. I dropped 8K and we did not even have a joint checking account together. No assets, kids, nothing.

[HereNorThere]

Actually, yea. If you really want a divorce, this is the best time. He will probably agree to anything to be with this woman. If you wait, eventually the fog will lift and he will freak out and you will never get rid of him. Most of these guys who leave, they tend to come back once they realize, crap I am in another relationship. I miss my wife.

 

And yes, it is expensive. I gave every dollar I had including my car to get my ex to sign. He dragged it out for a year, costing me thousands in legal bills. I dropped 8K and we did not even have a joint checking account together. No assets, kids, nothing.

 

Why, he's already with this woman? That makes no sense. Cake, cake, cake, cake. You think he's just gonna hand over his plate? Why would he kick himself out of his own house? He's going to continue doing exactly what he's doing now because it WORKS.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Why, he's already with this woman? That makes no sense. Cake, cake, cake, cake. You think he's just gonna hand over his plate? Why would he kick himself out of his own house? He's going to continue doing exactly what he's doing now because it WORKS.

 

Well, she said he said he loved her and didn't want to be married anymore. He's living in the basement and openly dating the other woman. I just assumed that meant he would want to be divorced and get on with it.

 

I guess that is my woman brain thinking.

[HereNorThere]

Well, she said he said he loved her and didn't want to be married anymore. He's living in the basement and openly dating the other woman. I just assumed that meant he would want to be divorced and get on with it.

 

I guess that is my woman brain thinking.

 

It's not woman thinking, it's rational thinking. This guy is operating on a 15 year old's brain. He will never understand why he has a curfew, needs to mow the lawn or why he isn't entitled to Mom and Dad's money. That's just the way teenagers are.

 

I saw Justin Bieber's tour is coming to my city this next year. You could try bribing him with tickets. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ShatteredLady]

Have you told him that you need him to just get out of the house?

 

What's his response?

 

You're in a horrific situation. It's heartbreaking. I know how truly awful it is to realize that the person you've spent so much of your life with, loved & trusted so completely, sacrificed so very much for, has turned into a thoughtless, heartless, cruel bumhole. It's a nightmare you can't even start to imagine until you've actually lived it.

 

I married a man who I believed could never ever hurt me. He's shattered & abused me in ways I never thought I would tolerate from anyone for any reason. Living through that has changed me forever. It's torture!!

 

I'm so sorry. Chin-up, stay strong.

[Kamikazeed]

Have you told him that you need him to just get out of the house?

 

What's his response?

 

You're in a horrific situation. It's heartbreaking. I know how truly awful it is to realize that the person you've spent so much of your life with, loved & trusted so completely, sacrificed so very much for, has turned into a thoughtless, heartless, cruel bumhole. It's a nightmare you can't even start to imagine until you've actually lived it.

 

I married a man who I believed could never ever hurt me. He's shattered & abused me in ways I never thought I would tolerate from anyone for any reason. Living through that has changed me forever. It's torture!!

 

I'm so sorry. Chin-up, stay strong.

I've told him that repeatedly. He won't. He's delaying by taking his time fixing up the basement so I can rent it out. I told him he could do that right after DDay, when I thought the space and time and effort of love would clear his head. He kept saying her, so I told him to get out and now he won't and knows he doesn't have to.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's not woman thinking, it's rational thinking. This guy is operating on a 15 year old's brain. He will never understand why he has a curfew, needs to mow the lawn or why he isn't entitled to Mom and Dad's money. That's just the way teenagers are.

 

I saw Justin Bieber's tour is coming to my city this next year. You could try bribing him with tickets. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

I will say I've dealt with a lot in my life but nothing really like this. I would go insane if my husband insisted on living here while opening dating another woman. It's obviously crazy.

 

Actually I just thought of a guy I know IRL, he is living in his basement and openly has a girlfriend. He filed for D, so it cannot be the same person but his wife is beyond pissed off. The whole situation is really bad.

 

OP, do you have kids? Sorry if you said the answer. Can you just leave? This is a very unhealthy environment.