Husband admitted affair, "loves" her and me too, can't be married anymore

[Mz. Pixie]

While it may be illegal to change the locks it's certainly unbearable for you to continue to be in limbo while he dilly dallies around, which is the point I was making.

 

Did you file?

[Mz. Pixie]

"I wish YOU wouldn't do it like this . . ." Pray tell, how do you envision other women reacting when their husbands randomly decide one day that they're free to date other people? He's projecting the blame and action onto you. Nice try, buddy.

 

He doesn't want to separate from you forever but he has to run around with his girlfriend now? I mean, seriously. You're making it clear that that's not an option. I would never knowingly participate in a love triangle. I deserve a man who desires me and me only, who knows my worth. I'm not going to chase or plead with some dope who's hung up on someone else, even if he's my husband of 10 years, the father of my children, and the sole breadwinner.

 

He asked about a opening up your marriage correct? I thought there was something in there. He must really have an inflated opinion of himself.

[waterwoman]

Told me I'm "not exactly approachable right now". Like, what? Should I give you a hug and talk about how hard this must be for you? **** you!

 

 

?????? He said what!?? Speechless!

[Kamikazeed]

He asked about a opening up your marriage correct? I thought there was something in there. He must really have an inflated opinion of himself.

Yes! He tried to sell me on "I always thought we were a different kind of people" and "Himans are animals, meant to spread their seed" and "Doesn't that guy you know live with his wife and girlfriend?" and polyamory and blah blah blah. I laughed at him. Some people will think I'm terrible for having said this but I told him that if he wanted a ****ing harem, he better get a kingdom first.

[Kamikazeed]

While it may be illegal to change the locks it's certainly unbearable for you to continue to be in limbo while he dilly dallies around, which is the point I was making.

 

Did you file?

I gave my lawyer the preliminary paperwork today and am waiting for her to draft everything.

[Kamikazeed]

While it may be illegal to change the locks it's certainly unbearable for you to continue to be in limbo while he dilly dallies around, which is the point I was making.

 

Did you file?

And you're right. It's awful.

[NTV]

Sorry I haven't been adding much. Kids + Xmas + moving soon = hectic.

 

Just wanted to add that standard guidance for dudes getting divorce is not to move out without a time sharing agreement finalized. My bet is that once he has that then he'll vanish. You could always ask.

[Kamikazeed]

Sorry I haven't been adding much. Kids + Xmas + moving soon = hectic.

 

Just wanted to add that standard guidance for dudes getting divorce is not to move out without a time sharing agreement finalized. My bet is that once he has that then he'll vanish. You could always ask.

We've had one for weeks. Alternating days and weekends. He just comes and goes as he pleases.

[aileD]

I don't know where she lives, but I do know where she works (with him). It's taking me a lot of grace to stop myself from calling or visiting his office and let the world know what they've been doing on their lunch breaks together.

 

Two things stop me: (1) If he loses his job, the kids suffer more because there is no way he will take my children to visit a nasty hellhole if he chooses or has to live in one, and I made that clear in the divorce paperwork; (2) I really want to hold my head high at the end of this all. I don't want to be that crazy oh-I-see-why-he-left-her wife, not to myself or my kids or people we know. It won't help anyway. It would be the same kind of momentary high he's getting off on with his girlfriend, and his life is falling apart because of it.

 

They go low; we go high.

 

 

 

 

It sure is fun to fantasize, though ��

 

 

Where is all his stuff? Just take everything he owns from the house---literally--and box it up and put it in the basement. he can live there but you don't have to make it comfortable. Tell him he can't come up to your part of the house except on the days he has he kids. Get him a mini fridge and don't let him eat the family food. Any bills you have together? Separate. Kick him off your cell plan.

 

He wants to be single let's start acting like he's single.

[Kamikazeed]

Where is all his stuff? Just take everything he owns from the house---literally--and box it up and put it in the basement. he can live there but you don't have to make it comfortable. Tell him he can't come up to your part of the house except on the days he has he kids. Get him a mini fridge and don't let him eat the family food. Any bills you have together? Separate. Kick him off your cell plan.

 

He wants to be single let's start acting like he's single.

Oh but he doesn't have to be single. He's skipping around town with the new love of his life while I try to figure out this new world and wait for my biopsy results.

[aileD]

Oh but he doesn't have to be single. He's skipping around town with the new love of his life while I try to figure out this new world and wait for my biopsy results.

 

Sucks doesn't it?

 

I'm so sorry. But, don't worry. You are strong. And when his bubble crashes and burns it's going to do so in epic fashion and he is going to suffer more than you could ever imagine.

 

And if you're still here when it happens we will have an internet champagne toast.

[Birdies]

I want us to decide together to avoid thousands in legal fees. If we can do this uncontested, it will only cost the $1K I have on retainer for my lawyer

 

I just wanted to say that my (now ex) husband and I got divorced for $70 - the court fee. I was desperate to do whatever I could do make the process easier on him after being so destructive (affair ), and he was mature and kind enough to not try to make my life hell as punishment. If you two can be civil and reasonable, you can definitely do this for cheap.

 

My affair partner's divorce drug on for 10 months and cost $40-50k. And on top of all that, it was all for nothing - his ex actually came away with less than if she had just taken what he was initially offering out of guilt. So if you have it in you to be the bigger person and not draw it out for spite, and if he's really remorseful and wants to make it up to you, it could be good for you.

 

Good luck and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[BTDT2012]

Whether it is legal or not, what is he going to do if you change the locks? What can you do to make him want to leave? Is adultery a reason for divorce in your state?

[Birdies]

Ah I read more and saw that he didn't show up to sign the papers, and he's not respecting your wishes about moving out. God - what a douchebag!!! He should be bending over backwards to make this easier on you. I'm really sorry. I would ask your lawyer ASAP about what you can do to kick him out. Not finishing the basement (especially since he's dragging it out) would be a small price to pay for your mental health.

[aileD]

Talk to your lawyer about "exclusive occupancy"

[Kamikazeed]

Tonight has been a crying night. I went to the salon and couldn't keep from crying despite pinching my thumb more purple than my hair and biting my lip til it bled. I screamed at my WH into my windshield. I thought and said terrible things to the night and to myself. I hate him for what he is done to us.

 

My dad always told me I needed to take off my rose-colored glasses, but I have always believed deeply in the innate goodness of mankind. I know what he meant now. I hate both of them for killing that part of me. It kept me going. I'm a literature girl - I believed goodness defeats evil and people are mostly just misunderstood. It's a lie. People are ****ing terrible to each other. How do I teach my kids to have faith in this world when I have lost faith myself?

 

Please tell me, any of you, that you have regained some faith in others after all was said and done in your betrayal and rehabilitation. I know it's hard to see through the fog while I'm in it. Please tell me I will not be forever jaded, that the love and trust that kept me moving in this ****ed up world will return.

[HereNorThere]

Nope, faith in others has lead me to nothing but disappointment. Instead of trusting others, I learned to trust myself. I trust my ability to handle whatever life has to throw at me.

 

I had major panic attacks for the majority of my life. My days were a constant battle to keep my heart from falling through my stomach. Now things don't really bother me in the same way. There's a lot less disappointment when you learn that you're the one who looks out for you. It may seem paradoxical, but it also makes you more secure in your attachment with others. You no longer have to be scared of leaving someone or being left because you know, with all of your heart, that you can handle it.

 

OP, on a long enough time scale every relationship comes to end. From the relationship you have with your spouse to the relationship the earth has with the sun. You are made of star stuffs and you will eventually return to the cosmos, one particle at a time. Nothing in this world is everlasting, it all eventually fades.

 

That's what makes life so beautiful. There's a chance you may be one of the few beings that truly had a chance to see the Universe in all it's glory. We're here early enough to look back in time and observe the explosion of the singularity and smart enough to know how it all eventually ends. Things are so much special special than they appear and we take it all for granted.

 

There's still so much more for you to see and experience here with us. Don't go, the show has barely started. Yes, you will grieve, and then will bury your dead and keep marching forward. We are humans, that's what we do. It's in our DNA, we are survivors.

 

There's that stupid saying about how when one door closes another one opens, blah, blah, blah, but it didn't work like that for me. The door slammed shut, I waited, and no doors opened. So I found a big ass stick, broke out the window, drug my battered and bruised body through the broken glass, licked my wounds, and started the best damn 10 years of my life. My scars proudly tell my story better than my words ever could.

 

What I once thought was the worst thing that ever happened to me turned out to be the best. I would never, ever want to go back without the knowledge I've gained. Cost me a pound of flesh, but it was worth every moment of pain to have my freedom back. Don't give up love, just make sure you love yourself first. Like everything, literally everything, this too shall pass and you will be better for it.

[Sweetfish]

Tonight has been a crying night. I went to the salon and couldn't keep from crying despite pinching my thumb more purple than my hair and biting my lip til it bled. I screamed at my WH into my windshield. I thought and said terrible things to the night and to myself. I hate him for what he is done to us.

 

My dad always told me I needed to take off my rose-colored glasses, but I have always believed deeply in the innate goodness of mankind. I know what he meant now. I hate both of them for killing that part of me. It kept me going. I'm a literature girl - I believed goodness defeats evil and people are mostly just misunderstood. It's a lie. People are ****ing terrible to each other. How do I teach my kids to have faith in this world when I have lost faith myself?

 

Please tell me, any of you, that you have regained some faith in others after all was said and done in your betrayal and rehabilitation. I know it's hard to see through the fog while I'm in it. Please tell me I will not be forever jaded, that the love and trust that kept me moving in this ****ed up world will return.

 

Sigh...

 

Because good winning over evil is something a lot of people capitalize on. I wouldn't lose faith.. its more like seeing reality for what it is. Its why your father said to take off those rose colored glasses. In all my relationship I bear the weight of seeing the reality of outcomes and situations and literally watch things unfold without being able to control anything because I don't want to assume, yet they always pan out as projected because human nature is so predictable.

 

I don't believe in having faith in others. You need to have faith in your self. You are the only person at the end of the day who can achieve the best version of your self. No you can't do this by your self as it requires other like teachers, mothers, fathers, and friends. You have to accept in this world you get daylight and darkness. Coldness and warmth. Good and Evil. Its the sad truth.

 

Its not until you understand the true nature of your existence that you will become absolutely fulfilled. Its not until you reach self-actualization can you really accept that your purpose is...

 

to prefect your self to its optimal level possible.

 

Why are you a teacher? Why do you have kids? Why are you married?

 

Did you ever REALLY sit down and think about this? Are you trying to achieve an optimal image or an optimal self? Are you trying to be that daughter your mother lost? A super star wife? What are you trying to fulfill? Whats the end game?

 

The damage is done. The scars runs deep now. You can continue to bleed and rely on the faith of "others" or you do whats best for you, so you can pass this strength down to your children I know you love so passionately. They are watching closely and this will affect them. So you need to get your **** straight or I predict this chaos will simply pass down to them. I don't think you want that.

 

Everyone in this thread has faith in you. it means nothing unless you have faith in your self.

[wmacbride]

I'm along way out form my H's brief A, and I have learned to trust him again,and we are happy.

 

At first, it was really hard not to take the way he had acted and extrapolate that to everyone else.I kept thinking that if he could do that, what else could others do?

 

I was lucky in that I had a really good friend who helped pick me up and helped me to get going again. After a lot of thought and time,I realized that it was completely unfair of me to judge everyone else by his actions.

 

Build up your trust in yourself, and be willing to let go of any attempts to control the things you can't. That is too tiring.Your soon to be ex-H is acting like an idiot,and that is 100percent on him.

[heartwhole]

To keep your faith in man, or yourself, or your religion . . .

 

I read a great article in the New Yorker about resilience recently: How People Learn to Become Resilient - The New Yorker

 

What it boils down to for me is that I still believe most people (the 90+% of us who aren't lacking a conscience) want to be good. I believe my husband and the OW are among them, and most of the people in affairs here too. But many people (including us, at times) have trouble loving themselves enough to love others well. They have trouble identifying their weaknesses and further still figuring out how to compensate for them.

 

In a world where true, inexplicable suffering exists, where some people live in unthinkable conditions, I can't make a run-of-the-mill affair into some kind of existential crisis for me. I have suffered other losses, and while the emotional pain of betrayal stings the most, there have been other crosses harder to bear in other senses.

 

I remember feeling so clearly and confidently in the days after DD that if my husband had turned into some kind of dope who couldn't see my value, then that was fine because I knew that with my character and my heart full of love and my other attributes, I would have no trouble attracting a stellar man into my life when the time was right. Of course, easy for me to say when my husband quickly ditched the OW, but that's what I felt deep down.

 

When I start to lose my faith in man, I read these words:

 

Elie Wiesel, Open Heart

"Was it yesterday--or long ago--that we learned how human beings have been able to attain perfection in cruelty? That for the killers, the torturers, it is normal, thus human, to act inhumanely? Should one therefore turn away from humanity?

 

The answer, of course, is up to each of us. We must choose between the violence of adults and the smiles of children, between the ugliness of hate and the will to oppose it. Between inflicting suffering and humiliation on our fellow man and offering him the solidarity and hope he deserves. Or not.

 

I know--I speak from experience--that even in darkness it is possible to create light and encourage compassion. That it is possible to feel free inside a prison. That even in exile, friendship exists and can become an anchor. That one instant before dying, man is still immortal.

 

There it is: I still believe in man in spite of man. I believe in language even though it has been wounded, deformed and perverted by the enemies of mankind. And I continue to cling to words because it is up to us to transform them into instruments of comprehension rather than contempt. It is up to us to choose whether we wish to use them to curse or to heal, to wound or to console."

[understand50]

Please tell me, any of you, that you have regained some faith in others after all was said and done in your betrayal and rehabilitation. I know it's hard to see through the fog while I'm in it. Please tell me I will not be forever jaded, that the love and trust that kept me moving in this ****ed up world will return.

 

Kamikazeed,

 

One of the hardest things in life, is not to take your experience in life and assume it applies to everyone else. Yes, your husband is a real piece of work, but I am sure if you looked around, you will find examples of hard working, faithful husbands and good marriages. Look at the men that are doing the right thing and see what, and even ask them, how they do it. What ideas and faith they hold. Also, keep in mind, that some good people go off the rails sometime, but recover. There are several folks on LS that have made mistakes, and worked to make it right. The question, was once posed, "Would you date or marry a partner that had cheated in the past on a another?" There are several WS here that messed up and learned and have grown, to become better. I would bet they would not cheat again, or the odds will be low. It comes down to the person.

 

In your case, it is unfortunate that your husband seems to be bent on destroying every bit of the relationship. This does make it harder on you, as if he was trying to win you back, trying to make it right, in some ways it would be easier for you. Even if divorce was still the end result. He is just a immature man, and always will be. Does not mean that a good man is not out there for you, and that you, if you want to, cannot build a better life. If you never remarry, I am sure you will do fine. Please do not fall into the trap of blaming the next man, for what your husband has done. Start each new relationship, be it friendship, or lovers, fresh, and judge each to your standards, and not against you husband.

 

How do you keep faith in humans going forward? By reminding your self that each new person you meet, has the potential for good and bad, and you get to decide how to interact with them. You get to decide, so you have control.

 

I wish you luck......

[NTV]

I had a whole monolog typed out complete with soapbox I could stand on and everything and lost it when my battery died lol. Anyway sorry you had a rough night.

[Kamikazeed]

Nope, faith in others has lead me to nothing but disappointment. Instead of trusting others, I learned to trust myself. I trust my ability to handle whatever life has to throw at me.

 

I had major panic attacks for the majority of my life. My days were a constant battle to keep my heart from falling through my stomach. Now things don't really bother me in the same way. There's a lot less disappointment when you learn that you're the one who looks out for you. It may seem paradoxical, but it also makes you more secure in your attachment with others. You no longer have to be scared of leaving someone or being left because you know, with all of your heart, that you can handle it.

 

OP, on a long enough time scale every relationship comes to end. From the relationship you have with your spouse to the relationship the earth has with the sun. You are made of star stuffs and you will eventually return to the cosmos, one particle at a time. Nothing in this world is everlasting, it all eventually fades.

 

That's what makes life so beautiful. There's a chance you may be one of the few beings that truly had a chance to see the Universe in all it's glory. We're here early enough to look back in time and observe the explosion of the singularity and smart enough to know how it all eventually ends. Things are so much special special than they appear and we take it all for granted.

 

There's still so much more for you to see and experience here with us. Don't go, the show has barely started. Yes, you will grieve, and then will bury your dead and keep marching forward. We are humans, that's what we do. It's in our DNA, we are survivors.

 

There's that stupid saying about how when one door closes another one opens, blah, blah, blah, but it didn't work like that for me. The door slammed shut, I waited, and no doors opened. So I found a big ass stick, broke out the window, drug my battered and bruised body through the broken glass, licked my wounds, and started the best damn 10 years of my life. My scars proudly tell my story better than my words ever could.

 

What I once thought was the worst thing that ever happened to me turned out to be the best. I would never, ever want to go back without the knowledge I've gained. Cost me a pound of flesh, but it was worth every moment of pain to have my freedom back. Don't give up love, just make sure you love yourself first. Like everything, literally everything, this too shall pass and you will be better for it.

This makes me so sad. My dad said something much less erudite but similar with this analogy: his life is a road upon which he drags a wagon. People can come along or not. He says he'll never love another person as much as his first wife, who he loved with everything in him but what it took to breathe. He said that if people can't put up with the things he does for himself now, they can get out of his wagon. He uses that to justify bringing his illegitimate daughters to his and my mother's house every weekend so she can take care of them while he rests. They are the same ages as my children, and we are all supposed to treat them like family.

 

I don't ever want to be the kind of person who could do that to someone I love. Even to someone I just kind of know. I believe God calls us to serve others and in doing so, we learn grace and peace and bring light to the world. I thought my WH was like me. It's got me all ****ed up that I could trust someone so completely and be so incredibly wrong about who that person is, to the point that I would bring new life into the world TWICE, trusting that their paths would be easier than ours have been.

 

I am strong though, and I have survived plenty in my life, and I know the kind of person I want to be for my kids. I will be okay, but I am forever changed. I just hope I can come out with greater awareness and keener insight, not disillusioned.

Edited December 20, 2016 by Kamikazeed
Grammars

[Kamikazeed]

Talk to your lawyer about "exclusive occupancy"

He finally got his stuff out late last night. When he picked up the kids this morning, I had him wait at the door. Now I can begin to feel at peace in my home again, I hope.

[aileD]

He finally got his stuff out late last night. When he picked up the kids this morning, I had him wait at the door. Now I can begin to feel at peace in my home again, I hope.

 

Good. I hope you can find at least a little peace