Will I ever be his #1?

[BTDT2012]

Ha! You don't know the half of it! It's been so much longer than 4 years. I've been in love with this man since I was a child. He is my best friend in the world and I don't know what I would do without him.

He is NOT your best friend.

[NTV]

The problem is that i want to believe them

 

Wanting to look for the best in people is a good triat. I wouldn't give that outlook up if I were you either. But he's proven undeserving of it.

 

Adjustments are called for. He is your enemy.

[elaine567]

NO, you will never be his number one.

YOU may have loved him all your life but he has never made you his number one, has he?

He married and had kids with someone else.

He has slotted you into the OW slot and once there, few get out of that position. He promises the world but never delivers. Your story is par for the course.

He is not looking for a wife, there is no vacancy for a wife, he already has one of those, all he is looking for is "extra" and there you are, perfect OW material.

So besotted you will put up with just about anything.

Yes, you may complain and get huffy for a while but a few "I miss you"s and an "I love you" and you are putty in his hands...

[Satu]

OP:

 

What makes you think that he would be with you, if he left his wife?

 

Its far from being a certainty.

 

He's clearly not a 'one woman man.'

 

You'd probably end up carrying on as number 2, in the shadow of a new and improved number 1.

 

It is you that agreed to be number 2, after all.

 

 

Take care.

[Southern Sun]

WANTING him to be who you thought he was will never make him so. I know it is hard, after so much investment.

 

At some point you will have to let go of what you hoped he could be for you and accept what he actually IS.

 

At that point you will realize that you are waiting for nothing.

[jennifernyc84]

I am weak when it comes to him, this is true. But I feel like I have made a little progress. I've said this before and I will say it now. It's hard to push away the one person that you've only ever wanted to hold closer. It feels like I'm depriving myself. I always say I'm not giving in this time, but I always do whenever I get the chance.

 

He is waiting for my reply on whether or not I'll see him tonight.

 

Should I even reply?

[elaine567]

Do you really want to be waiting on the sidelines whilst he lives his life fully, for the next few years, decades even? Is that really what you want?

 

If it isn't, then you have to start saying no to him sometime and it might as well be tonight.

[Marc878]

I am weak when it comes to him, this is true. But I feel like I have made a little progress. I've said this before and I will say it now. It's hard to push away the one person that you've only ever wanted to hold closer. It feels like I'm depriving myself. I always say I'm not giving in this time, but I always do whenever I get the chance.

 

He is waiting for my reply on whether or not I'll see him tonight.

 

Should I even reply?

 

No contact is your best course

[aileD]

He may love but for some reason he isn't able to make any sort of decision. He wants his marriage and his wife and the comfortable way life is right now and he wants you- and you are allowing that to happen.

 

The best thing is to do right for yourself, your heart, and your sanity and to walk away. If it hurts you to hold on to him and 'wait' for him to do something then you have to be good to yourself and walk away.

 

Enjoy the life you are given- what you are doing is living in purgatory - just waiting, and hoping and it isn't because of anything he is doing but what you are allowing to be done to you.

 

Move forward, smile, enjoy time with friends and family and live your life. If he leaves his wife he will know where to find you and if he doesn't then you can start enjoying life again. My guess is a year or two from now if you can truly let go and move forward you will look back on this thanking God you didn't end up with this man.

 

 

This. I'm a betrayed spouse. My husband loved his other woman and told her over and over and over that he wanted to leave and start a life with her. Kept telling her our marriage was dead and he just needed time. Left me a couple times to be with her for a few weeeks before changing his mind over and over.

 

After a good year an a half he finally admitted to himself and her that he didn't want to leave the marriage. That we still could make it work, and repair our love if we were both willing, and he was willing.

 

But he still loved her. He just didn't love her enough to leave me and everything that came along with leaving me. He wanted cake. He loved his life with me for the most part but got his excitement and attention from her.

 

Honey. If he wanted to leave his wife and was ready to do it..,.ge would have done it already, even before you came along.

 

The fact that it's been four years just screams NEVER GONNA HAPPEN so much louder to me and everyone here.

 

The only way you are ever going to know if he loves you enough to leave his wife for you is if you totally cut off all contact and refuse to engage him unless he's divorced. Otherwise what reason does he have to get divorced? You are both allowing him to live in both worlds.

 

Trust me I've been there from the wife side. I let my husband live in both worlds because I thought it was showing him I loved him. No. it just dragged things out for a year and a half. When I told him we should get the. All rolling on divorce (even though I didn't want that)and if he wasn't going to stop seeing her then what's the use in being married? That's when he got his **** together and a few months later the other woman is gone and are repairing our marriage.

 

No action on you or wife's part means he doesnt have to take an action either. And he may say he hates being in limbo (my H did), but he really doesn't because he can have his family life and the life he's built with her and lust/love and sex with you to fill the missing parts that he's too lazy to fix himself in his marriage.

 

You're providing him a service and you aren't going to know the truth of what he will do unless you stop allowing him to patronize your love and sex.

 

Could it work? Yes. But you won't know if you allow him to eat his cake

[TennisGal]

"But I can't get over him"

 

 

Don't lie to yourself. Of course you can get over him. You don't want to. You don't want what you have, either -- but it's all your going to get.

 

The best thing you can do is walk away and never respond to him again.

[whatatangledweb]

Reply baack...Unless you have left your wife and you are living alone, the answer will always be no.

 

Don't give an ultmotive unless you can follow through. You said her or you. If he still has her then you have your answer.

 

You have to respect yourself before anyone else will.

[jennifernyc84]

I told him I'm taking a stand. I refused to see him. I told him that I'm done sneaking around. I can't trust myself when I'm around him. So anything he has to say he can say in over the phone.

 

He started with the apologies and all that goes along with that. Self bashing and all. Then came the I love yous and i promise to make it rights.

 

So I told him the only way to make it right is filing for those papers. He said he would and I said I'll believe that when I see it.

 

I know he won't. But part of me is still hoping that he will.

 

But he won't, right?

[Satu]

I told him I'm taking a stand. I refused to see him. I told him that I'm done sneaking around. I can't trust myself when I'm around him. So anything he has to say he can say in over the phone.

 

He started with the apologies and all that goes along with that. Self bashing and all. Then came the I love yous and i promise to make it rights.

 

So I told him the only way to make it right is filing for those papers. He said he would and I said I'll believe that when I see it.

 

I know he won't. But part of me is still hoping that he will.

 

But he won't, right?

 

 

You should stop making yourself available to him.

 

Why would he bother leaving his wife, when he can have you and his wife?

 

Thats what he wants:

 

You and her.

 

Don't buy into it.

 

 

Take care.

[jacxie]

This is never ending story, he will never leave his wife because of he wanted to do it, he would do it, just like that. He knows you will take anything he gives you, think about this - do you think he misses you or your body? Does he miss talking to you or fu**ing you? Maybe this doesn't sound pretty, but oh well... I'm just going through a "break up" with MM, go and read my thread, or every other one here. Jesus, I was exactly like you, I was ignoring warnings, I thought that people are just jealous. "What do they know about us", "we've got so much in common", "we're special"... Sounds familiar? Seriously, having an affair was my baddest choice ever. He has a wife, family. If he wanted to leave her, he would. The truth is you don't know what they do at home, do you? Or you think you do because he TELLS you?! Oh please, I can tell you I'm Madonna - will you believe it? Probably not... So why do you believe him? You have to understand, those guys are in a very comfortable situation, which guy doesn't want to have two women? (at least two). So if you are willing, he'll use it. They tell you you're the one but they just don't know what to do (oh poor puppies). It's a huge ego boost, men are hunters, men are simple. That's us, women who complicate things. We like to complicate our lives so much... I'm sure you are able to find another guy, but you have to be open! It's ONLY your choice. You decide and only you are able to change the situation. I don't even know how to call it - seeing, dating, going out with a married man... Or the simplest - sleeping with a married man can't bring anything positive. This isn't dating, this is not a relationship - it's an arrangement between you two, nothing else. You will always be #2. So, you chose.

[BuddyX]

"In the most painful breakups when you are so focused on the fear of losing the other person in front of you, you stop noticing what you are gradually losing within you."

 

Have some self worth. Don't be his 'sometimes'

[jennifernyc84]

This is never ending story, he will never leave his wife because of he wanted to do it, he would do it, just like that. He knows you will take anything he gives you, think about this - do you think he misses you or your body? Does he miss talking to you or fu**ing you? Maybe this doesn't sound pretty, but oh well... I'm just going through a "break up" with MM, go and read my thread, or every other one here. Jesus, I was exactly like you, I was ignoring warnings, I thought that people are just jealous. "What do they know about us", "we've got so much in common", "we're special"... Sounds familiar? Seriously, having an affair was my baddest choice ever. He has a wife, family. If he wanted to leave her, he would. The truth is you don't know what they do at home, do you? Or you think you do because he TELLS you?! Oh please, I can tell you I'm Madonna - will you believe it? Probably not... So why do you believe him? You have to understand, those guys are in a very comfortable situation, which guy doesn't want to have two women? (at least two). So if you are willing, he'll use it. They tell you you're the one but they just don't know what to do (oh poor puppies). It's a huge ego boost, men are hunters, men are simple. That's us, women who complicate things. We like to complicate our lives so much... I'm sure you are able to find another guy, but you have to be open! It's ONLY your choice. You decide and only you are able to change the situation. I don't even know how to call it - seeing, dating, going out with a married man... Or the simplest - sleeping with a married man can't bring anything positive. This isn't dating, this is not a relationship - it's an arrangement between you two, nothing else. You will always be #2. So, you chose.

 

 

Wow! Thank you for your time. I'm sorry about what you're going through I know exactly how you're feeling. It is such a crappy situation to be in having the one person that means the world to you lie to you.

 

For a while, I stopped trusting people in general.

 

Truthfully, I don't know how strong I will be. I turned him down now, but will I be strong enough next time?

 

Does anyone here actually have a happy ending story?

 

How did we end up here?

[jennifernyc84]

"In the most painful breakups when you are so focused on the fear of losing the other person in front of you, you stop noticing what you are gradually losing within you."

 

Have some self worth. Don't be his 'sometimes'

 

 

 

God that fear is THE WORSE!

 

I wonder if he knows how scared I am of losing him? Is he afraid of losing me?

[goodyblue]

The problem is that i want to believe them

 

I will just say this: I was OW and married my AP when he left his ex. The one thing he didn't do was strong me along or lie. You need to not let him do this because you deserve more and after all this time he clearly thinks you don't. If he really loved you he wouldn't ask you to settle.

[BuddyX]

God that fear is THE WORSE!

 

I wonder if he knows how scared I am of losing him? Is he afraid of losing me?

 

Does that even matter? Of course he'll tell you he's afraid of loosing you. Because that's what you want to hear. But remember, action over words. The answer to that question is a resounding NO.

 

He's afraid of loosing his wife. He's proven that, time and time again.

 

You need to go NC right now.

 

"You get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look..."

[Foreverago]

Wow! Thank you for your time. I'm sorry about what you're going through I know exactly how you're feeling. It is such a crappy situation to be in having the one person that means the world to you lie to you.

 

For a while, I stopped trusting people in general.

 

Truthfully, I don't know how strong I will be. I turned him down now, but will I be strong enough next time?

 

Does anyone here actually have a happy ending story?

 

How did we end up here?

 

Yeah, I have a happy life, but not with him.

 

There's a couple people here who are married to their affair partner, but the big difference is, the married person left and got a divorce quickly to be with the affair partner. Those are rare. Actions are a way bigger indicator than words like I miss you.

[Marc878]

I told him I'm taking a stand. I refused to see him. I told him that I'm done sneaking around. I can't trust myself when I'm around him. So anything he has to say he can say in over the phone.

 

He started with the apologies and all that goes along with that. Self bashing and all. Then came the I love yous and i promise to make it rights.

 

So I told him the only way to make it right is filing for those papers. He said he would and I said I'll believe that when I see it.

 

I know he won't. But part of me is still hoping that he will.

 

But he won't, right?

 

Nope. He's had his way for four years. Why should he?

[isolatedgothic]

If you have been his affair partner for 4 years, the deal seems pretty set. I don't believe he will ever be able to see you as a serious relationship partner, even if he leaves his wife tomorrow and files the papers. That is asking a lot of him, and already he is showing that he resists change. How? Because he cannot leave his wife. Regardless of what comes out of his mouth, his actions are showing you that he is comfortable in the marriage, with you on the side.

 

If he does divorce, you still will not be his #1. His kids will come first. His guilt over leaving the marriage will come first. You have been the backseat person for so long that the stage is set. You deserve to be #1. By breaking things totally off and going through the very painful reality of loss, you will heal and become #1 to a man who honestly wants to be in a relationship with you.

 

I agree with the person who stated that you are not his best friend. A best friend would never allow their best friend to be in this compromising position for so long.

 

I was the OW. My guy eventually left his marriage. Thinking that I could be #1 was my own faulty thinking, because I was cast in the role of #2. I, too, knew him from my younger years, and felt he was a best friend, and felt he had longed for me as much as I had longed for him. Truth is, he built a life with another, had children, now has grandchildren, and he is constantly bringing up his exwife and how he wanted things to be different, and I will never be #1. Your story sounds so similar to mine. It would be so nice to be someone's #1, instead of a sell-out OW who has watched her dreams shatter into nothing.

 

If he wanted you to be #1, you'd be in that position by now. It's heartbreaking, I know. How well I know.

[Seafowl]

Josh wants to see me tonight. I didn't agree to it but I didn't say no either.

 

I asked him what would be the point in us meeting...

You were doing so well, an entire month without contact. It takes about 2 months before the pain really starts to feel less acute. You were halfway there. Now he has reopened those wounds, started over the healing process.

 

He came back, not caring what was best for YOU. He knew he wasn't coming back with an divorce announcement and a wedding ring for you. He was coming back for the same old same old, while knowing how bad that is for you and how much it hurts you.

 

That's not how someone who really cares about you should act.

[whichwayisup]

I don't even know where to begin with this post. We have so much back story. Feel free to skim through my other thread if you want. It's been 4 years of ok again off again affair with MM.

 

I have broken it off with him a dozen times but he keeps coming back. He swears that he loves me and can't live without me. And promises that we will be together one day.

 

I've been waiting for what seems like forever and it's killing me!

I have tried dating other guys and it doesn't work. I'm not even remotely interested in anyone else.

 

I told him last month that it was either me or her. He had to make his choice and I basically wanted all or nothing. He told me he wanted me but to just give him a little bit more time.

 

After that, I broke down and said I was done. We went NC for a whole month. The longest we've gone without some kind of contact. But he messaged me Friday.

 

He didn't say much. The message just said "I miss you like crazy. I want to see you".. I stared at it for pretty much the whole weekend, thinking what to say or do. I finally messaged him back but only said I miss you too.

 

I want to see him too but every time we part ways it's like I'm losing him over and over again.

 

I don't know what's worse, being with him and still being alone, or not being with him and being even more alone.

 

I can honestly say that there is no greater feeling of rejection then this. He says he loves me but then doesn't choose me.

 

He says he doesn't love his wife. But yet he stays....

 

 

This man is selfish and loves having you both in his life. He loves himself most.

 

Please walk away once and for all. After four years, he's not leaving. Doesn't matter what his reasons are, right now focus on YOU. Get fed up, find the courage to stay strong so you can stay in NC mode with him.

 

You deserve a man who only loves you. Not this one, he won't choose and he's not looking to start over and create a new life with you.

[whichwayisup]

she found out a while ago. It got ugly. They were on the verge of divorce but they mended things. I cut him out of my life then but he keeps coming back. He won't let me go

 

Again, because he's selfish and he wants what he wants. His wife knows and she isn't going to hand him over to you. Please, respect and love yourself more by telling him goodbye and make it impossible for him to contact you. Change your email and phone number too.

 

You can let him go and stop allowing him back into your life.