Will I ever be his #1?

[elaine567]

Parcel up the flowers along with the card and the ticket and redirect them to his home.

[jah526]

Hi Jennifer,

 

I am trying to think from the MM's perspective these days. Yesterday I went into the game app we both play. I have been staying out of it, but I also enjoy playing it. So he challenged me to a game within minutes. I played one game and got out, haven't been back into it since.

 

But I thought, you know, he's off work for several days. He's trapped at home, probably bored out of his mind, hanging out in the game room just waiting. Your guy - probably the same - off work, bored, needs some excitement!

 

You stated earlier in this thread that you wanted some revenge. My revenge is depriving him of the excitement, or even the possibility of it. Letting him be bored at home, in the life that he chose for himself.

[whichwayisup]

Good morning everyone, hope you had a merry Christmas.

 

I just got home, and there was a delivery at the front desk for me. 2 dozen roses and a broadway play ticket. Take a lucky guess who from...I'm guessing he has the second ticket. Unless he's sending me alone lol. The card just said merry Christmas to my girl please call me love Josh.

 

I feel like my heart is in my throat and my stomach has butterflies.

 

I need help remember why this would be a bad idea, because right now, it feels like the only way I'd want to spend the night and I'm counting the minutes.

 

I am not anywhere near this strong.

 

Throw it all out. Burn it. Just do NOT go, it'll be the biggest mistake you can make right now. Josh and you are over and he's trying to manipulate you.

 

If you go, you'll hate yourself later. He is poison to you! That's how you have to look at it.

 

BE STRONG and love 'you' first. Why put yourself through such pain and abuse?

[jennifernyc84]

I know it would be a really bad idea to call him but I'm missing him so much. I'm going through so many mixed emotions right now, I can't even tell you. Love, excitement, anger, fear, I miss him...I don't even know what else. I wish I could just run into his arms and never let go. This is insane, I know.

[whichwayisup]

I know it would be a really bad idea to call him but I'm missing him so much. I'm going through so many mixed emotions right now, I can't even tell you. Love, excitement, anger, fear, I miss him...I don't even know what else. I wish I could just run into his arms and never let go. This is insane, I know.

 

So what? You're missing him. You won't die. You feel some pain and cry it out. NO GOOD can come of you reaching out to him. None.

 

It IS insane, lusting and wanting him and his arms around you is NOT going to happen, even if it does for one day, the reality is, he isn't yours and he'll never be yours. He's chosen to stay married and live life with his wife. He wants you as the side girl - That's it. You feed his ego, make him feel good.

 

FIND that anger instead of hurt and missing him. You just miss how he made you feel. Your own ego too is hurting as well as your heart.

 

Get out and be busy. If you want to contact him, log on here and post what you want to say to him ON here.

[elaine567]

Don't be so stupid.

It is a bunch of flowers and a ticket to a play, hardly a statement of love ever after, remember he still has a wife and kid in tow, they are going nowhere are they?

Get that sensible hat back on and see this for what it is - a completely meaningless gesture.

[Chica80]

Jenn what will it change?

 

If you see him, if he hugs you and tells you he loves you, if he takes you on this romantic date. What will it change?

He will still be married. He will still go home to someone else. YOU will still be alone, waiting until the "next time". How is this different than any other time.

 

Try sitting with the pain. Let it pass. Ignoring it or reaching out to him won't fix it only suppress it for the moment.

[BuddyX]

Why not forward the ticket to his wife?

[imsosad]

Stop.

Stop romanticising him so much.

This guy treats you like ** for years. You finally come to your senses and quit.

All it takes to win you back is some roses and tickets to a show?

Talk about selling yourself short.

You are not a child. Don't allow yourself to be so caught up in your emotions. So you miss him. OK. Deal with it.

You can run in to his arms and he'll just take you for a ride and then go back to his wife and baby.

Notice he is not making any meaningful changes in his life.

This is a cheap, easy romantic gesture. No depth, no effort, no meaning.

Didn't you write just the other day how he was using you for hard sex when he was horney?

The roses are meant to motivate you to keep being available for,basically, no strings attached sex.

Don't cave in. Fight your feelings a little bit. Longing for him doesnt make him some great man of your dreams. You are longong for him,but he's still the dbag that is using you.

[Clockwatching]

Hi all,

 

Apologies for being controversial but as well as everyone's intended it's not useful to anyone to tell them to be strong and not be a victim when the person doesn't feel strong and has actually been victimised. There's allowance on her side, to be sure, but it's still victimisation.

 

Often people don't understand how they're allowing that to happen, or what needs healing to change that so often it can just cause more feelings of humiliation and inadequacy because it's a strength they're unable to access at this point. I know it's not meant that way by any of you, you're all a wonderful support group here, I just think it's important to allow our emotions on all of the spectrum and not encourage shame for some of them. I've done this before to people so I do get that it's all meant with the best of intentions. All meant with love people!

 

How about embracing how you do feel and not suppressing and running away from them, trying to convince yourself that you feel other than you actually feel? You feel powerless, like a victim, and confused and desperate - anybody would feel like that in your situation, god knows I've been there as have many people here.

 

How about telling yourself that it's ok to feel how you feel, it's painful, but pain isn't a wrong emotion. Call a friend if you can who can help you to talk and cry it out, it's ok to feel pain from this.

 

Have you noticed from this situation that you always allow his needs to come first always, and that the only time that you assert your needs is when you're on your knees ready to collapse and actually cannot continue?

 

Have you noticed that rather than express and respect how you feel, that you allow him to violate your own boundaries?

 

Maybe it's time to think about how this theme has played out in your life in general.

 

You won't be at that point yet, but I would recommend that if you're strong enough to not see him tonight, to call a friend who can be physically present with you and give you comfort and understanding - reach out to someone who can give you the love that you want.

 

And hey, if you do meet up with him, it's your call - there is no right and wrong, each journey is unique. You've either gotten to the point where it's too painful to continue or you haven't - only you can decide that.

 

Much love to you

[waterwoman]

Send them to his wife. I'm sure she'd appreciate them - almost as much as the heads up they will represent.

[goodyblue]

I would send him text right before the play and tell him I was running late and to go in without me. Then I would leave him sitting there alone to watch the play from a spectator seat, just as he leaves you alone to watch him live his life from a spectator seat. It sucks. I am sorry.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Send them to his wife. I'm sure she'd appreciate them - almost as much as the heads up they will represent.

 

I actually had this vision of the mm sitting there and his wife shows up with the ticket.

[jennifernyc84]

I don't know if I should call or not. I don't know if I should go or not. I'm so confused about this. I want to, but I know no good will come of it. If anything, I'm just prolonging my pain. But I'm in pain anyway.. maybe this will be a little bit of relief. I don't know. All I do know is that the show is in 2 hours and 10 minutes from now and I have no clue what to do.

 

I don't know if I should call and tell him to screw himself, or call and tell him I'll be there. I don't even know if I should call at all. I'm fighting myself so bad right now.

[jennifernyc84]

I actually had this vision of the mm sitting there and his wife shows up with the ticket.

 

Ha! Wouldn't that be something. Kinda like that song. The pina colada song lol

[Clockwatching]

It's tricky trying to find out what you 'should' do - one thing I do which might help is write down the following:

 

What are the positives behind meeting him?

What are the negatives behind meeting him?

What am I hoping to gain by meeting him?

What am I afraid of losing by meeting him?

Is my intention coming from a place of self love or is it coming from a feeling of scarcity?

What would a person with self love do? What does that picture look like to me?

 

Write down anything that comes to mind and it should cut through some of the confusion.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't know if I should call or not. I don't know if I should go or not. I'm so confused about this. I want to, but I know no good will come of it. If anything, I'm just prolonging my pain. But I'm in pain anyway.. maybe this will be a little bit of relief. I don't know. All I do know is that the show is in 2 hours and 10 minutes from now and I have no clue what to do.

 

I don't know if I should call and tell him to screw himself, or call and tell him I'll be there. I don't even know if I should call at all. I'm fighting myself so bad right now.

 

If anything stops you, think of the smug look on his face when you show up and he knows he has you right where he wants you, and that he can do whatever he wants, you will never leave.

[Satu]

snip

Hi all,

Apologies for being controversial but as well as everyone's intended it's not useful to anyone to tell them to be strong and not be a victim when the person doesn't feel strong and has actually been victimised. There's allowance on her side, to be sure, but it's still victimisation.

 

Thats true, but its important not to enter into an agreement which holds that a persons feelings of helplessness, reflect actual helplessness.

 

Feeling helpless, and actually being helpless, are two quite different things.

 

To be specific, jennifernyc84's feelings of helplessness do not reflect an actual state of helplessness.

 

She is an intelligent and mature adult, who is fully capable of helping herself.

 

Thats what she's trying to do.

 

Everyone else is just trying to support her in doing that.

 

Reminding her of her strengths and inner resources, is a wholly good thing.

Edited December 26, 2016 by Satu

[sandylee1]

What is important is realising he's not offering you anymore than he was before. He wants you to continue as his secondary relationship, and because you made it clear to him that you aren't strong and he needs to leave you alone, he's using your weakness to keep you in that role.

 

Find your anger and keep it Jenn.

[jennifernyc84]

I called him. I told him that I didn't want to see him. Like sandy suggested, I am trying to find my anger. He begged and pleaded on the phone, he faked some tears and spit out some promises.

 

I called him just about every name in the book. And hung up.

 

The tears are streaming down my face as I type this. I'm mad at myself for turning him down. I don't know how I could do this to him

[Poppy47]

I don't know if I should call or not. I don't know if I should go or not. I'm so confused about this. I want to, but I know no good will come of it. If anything, I'm just prolonging my pain. But I'm in pain anyway.. maybe this will be a little bit of relief. I don't know. All I do know is that the show is in 2 hours and 10 minutes from now and I have no clue what to do.

 

I don't know if I should call and tell him to screw himself, or call and tell him I'll be there. I don't even know if I should call at all. I'm fighting myself so bad right now.

 

Jen,

 

Stop rationalising why you want to go. If you go you will ultimately be in a lot more pain than you are right now.

 

I know it is tempting, but he isn't being Mr Wonderful here. He's drawing you back with a lousy theatre ticket. He's BUYING you with a theatre ticket. You are NOT that cheap, surely.

 

Keep in mind that a MM will do ANYTHING, and I mean anything to maintain his A. It save him the trouble of grooming another OW.

POppy.

[Satu]

I called him. I told him that I didn't want to see him. Like sandy suggested, I am trying to find my anger. He begged and pleaded on the phone, he faked some tears and spit out some promises.

 

I called him just about every name in the book. And hung up.

 

The tears are streaming down my face as I type this. I'm mad at myself for turning him down. I don't know how I could do this to him

 

Its natural that you have mixed feelings about this, but you're standing up for yourself, and that is what really matters.

 

You are asserting your true value as a unique human being.

 

You know that you deserve more than what you're being asked to agree to.

 

Hold that thought.

 

Well done.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I called him. I told him that I didn't want to see him. Like sandy suggested, I am trying to find my anger. He begged and pleaded on the phone, he faked some tears and spit out some promises.

 

I called him just about every name in the book. And hung up.

 

The tears are streaming down my face as I type this. I'm mad at myself for turning him down. I don't know how I could do this to him

 

Well done. Remember, it's you or him here. This time you chose yourself, not him. He is married. Remember? To another woman. Don't be mad at yourself. He is only upset because the balance of power is now off in your favor.

 

Tomorrow when you wake up, your first thought will not be one of sinking regret that you slept with him. You will feel strength.

[jennifernyc84]

I do miss him, but I also miss the intimacy. I haven't had sex in over 2 months. Maybe I was craving it a little. Sorry if I'm coming off as lewd but it's true.

 

He's used me for sex countless times. Why shouldn't I do the same?

[aileD]

I feel good about this. It's like a breath of fresh air. A weight has been lifted off of me. I feel like I could do this.

 

I think I needed to feel the extreme amount of pain for me to realize that the pain is not the end of the world. The pain doesn't mean you're dying. It's a sign that you're still alive. And as long as there is breath in your body, you've got a chance.

 

I told her (younger me) that she hasn't done anything wrong. In fact, I apologized for not taking better care of her. I told her that I loved her and wanted nothing but the best for her. I told her I know that her friend Josh means a lot to her and that making him happy is all she wanted to do, but it was never her job to keep him happy. I told her that making him happy would hurt a lot of people including herself. I told her that she grows up to be smart, successful, beautiful inside and out, and she has her own apartment in New York City. How cool is that! I told her she isn't a bad person. She's done a bad thing but that doesn't define who she is. I told her to stop blaming herself. I told her not to be afraid. I told her to be strong and not to cry anymore. I promised her that I'd take better care of her, and I promised her her OWN happy ending. One that wouldn't hurt other people in the process. I promised her that from now on she could trust me. I told her that it was time to put childish things away and become a woman.

 

 

When I was a kid, I don't know, maybe around 6 or 7. My aunt was playing around with me, and my brother and sister and our cousins. She had us all write out essays about what we wanted to be when we grew up and why. I wrote down that I wanted to be a princess. Because everyone would have to listen to me and do whatever I said.

 

Then my aunt told me that I couldn't become a princess. That it wasn't a real job. And I remember thinking how mean that was of her. I remember not liking her for a long time. I've forgive her now lol.

 

But she was right. Sometimes dreams can't happen because they aren't real.

 

I will still miss him and I still love him a lot. But it's time to realize it ain't gonna happen no matter how hard I try.

 

 

Read this again. Little girl Jen thanks you for being strong for her.