Will I ever be his #1?

[sandylee1]

But Jenn, ask yourself. ... how much does he really love his wife, if he's cheated on her for 4 years.

 

That's not the way I'd want any man to love me... how about you?. You don't love someone and cheat on them through IVF. He's nothing but a selfish guy who wants it all. Wife, family and faithful mistress.

 

Well he can get stuffed along with the Christmas turkey my love.

 

Good riddance.

[imsosad]

I'm sorry for what you went though. You didn't deserve that and it was definitely not your fault.

 

See, I said in an earlier post that I felt no remorse for his wife. But yet, for other betrayed spouses, I do. I think I finally have it figured out. She didn't deserve it just like all the other betrayed spouses don't deserve it. But the difference is, none of the other spouses have the man I want.

 

It's about me. I'm the problem. I was angry with her the minute I found out they were engaged! I created this false animosity between us that never even existed. "Oh do you see how she's staring at me?" This is what I'd say even before they were married. I made her out to be the bad person, the one pulling the trigger. And I never once stopped to think about her or her son.

 

I want to thank you for this post, heartwhole, it was kind of an eye opener.

 

I've been reading posts from fellow OW point of view and I have avoided posts from BS because I felt it wouldn't relate to me. That was very wrong of me.

 

I need to see how she feels. She's innocent. She loves him just like I do. The only difference is that she has his ring on her finger. And if he loved me, it would be on mines.

 

Maybe, as part of your narrative, you felt like you were there first? That in your mind, the roles reversed and *she* was the one intruding?

Maybe you felt like she came along, out of nowhere, and stepped on your line.

I also think you should leave the lights on for yourself, even soft music and even heating, if you're only out a little while. Welcome yourself home.

[sandylee1]

He knew you liked him all along.

 

He had the choice to make you his girl properly, yet he chose her.

 

Making those looks you think you saw from her were the vibes a BW gets when someone is after her man.

 

Feminine intuition is very powerful you know.

 

Don't become bitter and hateful towards her like some OW do. They become filled with bitterness and see the innocent betrayed wife as cruella deville.

 

She's just a woman married to a cheating toerag (British saying), with no idea he's stabbing her in the back and getting in bed with her night after night. She's no idea that her husband is Judas.

 

Self reflection will help you heal.

[Cymbeline]

Jennifer, several people who respond to you have said you make them feel warm towards you. I feel similarly. You come across as a thoroughly likeable young woman. It sounds as though you have real friends.

 

I am sure that you have so much to offer, but your preoccupation with all of this has isolated you and drawn your attention inwards instead of outwards.

 

What about filling the spaces he used to fill, with evening activities or classes, professional development or volunteering activities? Maybe you have friends who would include you in things like this? You will find a new spark and tap in again to the warmth and creative energy - the embers of which readers here are responding to.

 

I am a bs, but part of my journey was similar in that I had to take my focus away from my WH and my empty nest and find my own creativity and spark again. It took a while. I had to try a few things and gave them up, but I kept attempting u til I found something that will lead to a lot of personal development and new life skills which will benefit others as well.

 

I feel sure that this is the path you must take and that you will very soon find new and genuine people to filll your life so that the life you have been leading will pale in comparison.

 

Good luck

[jennifernyc84]

He knew you liked him all along.

 

He had the choice to make you his girl properly, yet he chose her.

 

Making those looks you think you saw from her were the vibes a BW gets when someone is after her man.

 

Feminine intuition is very powerful you know.

 

Don't become bitter and hateful towards her like some OW do. They become filled with bitterness and see the innocent betrayed wife as cruella deville.

 

She's just a woman married to a cheating toerag (British saying), with no idea he's stabbing her in the back and getting in bed with her night after night. She's no idea that her husband is Judas.

 

Self reflection will help you heal.

 

It's true. I've hated her for years! I felt like he was destined to be with me and she was just a thorn in my side. I felt like she was the other woman.

 

I am beginning to look at it from a different prospective. I'm still in the grieving process for sure. But I feel so dirty and estranged for doing what I've done. But in my defense, I did not do it just for sex, like some people do. I honestly loved this man and felt like he loved me. If I wanted sex, I could have slept with any guy. Believe me New York is a big city. But I wanted love. I still do. I wanted him. I can't believe what extreme I've gone to to make that happen.

 

There's a song, and the lyrics go something like, "sometimes love just ain't enough".

[heartwhole]

I do understand the lengths you went to, and my husband's OW too. It was with the hope of happily ever after with the guy you wanted.

 

I can understand it, but I can't condone it because it almost always dooms the relationship right from the start. I admire the MOW here who exited her marriage and refused to have a PA with the OM though they are together now that they are both divorced. If you realize your marriage isn't right, fine, but do things the right way.

 

I mean, my poor WH, because I really think on DD he thought I'd either say, "Well that's fine because I've stopped loving you" (which was all projection and negative confirmation bias on his part -- I was simply struggling with a chronic illness and trying not to drown) or I'd be humbled by his awesome feelings for the OW and timidly ask for a second chance with his awesomeness. Ha.

 

I also understand that affairs involve the APs encouraging and reinforcing the choice to be in an affair, and a lot of oxytocin. But I'll never understand how my WH could turn out to be a guy who would allow some poor single woman to fall in love with him and hope for a future with him when the chances of it happening were so slim they were laughable (we'd have to be separated for a year before divorce and she couldn't get a visa to our country without marrying him). That's just not how you treat people even if they promise that it's OK with them.

 

I do highly recommend IC. I'm still going 20 months later. Often we only talk about my marriage for a small portion; it's more like life coaching, I'd say. She's helped me make a lot of changes to make life easier with my health problems. And WH is going to his own IC, which has made a huge difference. He's worked hard to develop empathy, deal better with stressors, communicate instead of avoiding, think of me and the kids first, etc. And individually we've both plugged into our community and started living more intentionally (for example we've set up a homeless family in one of our rentals at half the market rate and got their kids enrolled in school). Now, perhaps, after all this work, WH is a man worthy of sharing my life. But on DD, when he was living by codes of "you only live once" and "I'm entitled to blah blah blah," nope. That man was not attractive to me at all.

 

I'm glad my post was useful in some sense. Black/white thinking doesn't lend you insight into your choices. Competing for men is just something we women do, I suppose, but BW has not done anything to you. In fact, it's the opposite. Facing that head on is probably a bit much right now, but if you can let go of the hate that would be a good start. What you should hate are your choices and MM's choices.

 

I know you didn't do it for sex. You did it out of hope, for love. But the choices you made allowed a selfish person to hurt you and his wife. I will always believe that being in a love triangle is a non-starter. The other two can have each other; I'm out! Again, looking back at DD (when, by the way, I still thought it was an EA), I'm so glad that I just announced that he and the OW could have each other. I believe my precise words were, "Because you two seem to deserve each other." Again, not the reaction he was expecting. "Oh, no, no, no," he said, walking back from his original direction. Because otherwise I'm sure it would have been some ridiculous back and forth with more pain involved for everyone. And that's just a shame.

[jennifernyc84]

Heartwhole, I feel like I have let go of that hate a lot. I don't think it is hate anymore. I mean, I've always felt like she was the main cause for my heartache, but I don't think she was. She didn't even know me when she met him. It wasn't personal. If I hate anyone, it should be him!

 

I just checked my junk mail and saw an email from him yesterday, for my birthday. He said happy birthday and that he would never forget my birthday. He said he's sorry that he couldn't be with me on my day. Then he apologized for not respecting my wishes for him not to contact me, but he couldn't imagine his life without me in it. He said he was sorry for everything and he said if I am angry he understands. He asked if I could find it in my heart to forgive him and at least be on good terms. If we could at least be friends, because he can't just forget about me.

 

Sounded pretty heartfelt. I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I did not reply, but I don't know if I want to. I mean, I do, but...I don't know. I don't want to get sucked back in. I feel like I can't just be his friend.

 

Why did he have to get married?

[Chica80]

You can't be friends. Because you love him. Because you want the life they have. So you can't be friends.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Heartwhole, I feel like I have let go of that hate a lot. I don't think it is hate anymore. I mean, I've always felt like she was the main cause for my heartache, but I don't think she was. She didn't even know me when she met him. It wasn't personal. If I hate anyone, it should be him!

 

I just checked my junk mail and saw an email from him yesterday, for my birthday. He said happy birthday and that he would never forget my birthday. He said he's sorry that he couldn't be with me on my day. Then he apologized for not respecting my wishes for him not to contact me, but he couldn't imagine his life without me in it. He said he was sorry for everything and he said if I am angry he understands. He asked if I could find it in my heart to forgive him and at least be on good terms. If we could at least be friends, because he can't just forget about me.

 

Sounded pretty heartfelt. I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I did not reply, but I don't know if I want to. I mean, I do, but...I don't know. I don't want to get sucked back in. I feel like I can't just be his friend.

 

Why did he have to get married?

 

Obviously you can't be his friend. You know that. Plus, why would you want to? That is not what you want anyway. He would then get the best of both worlds and you get none.

 

Why did he get married? Keep in mind I don't know him but did you ever see that Sex an the City episode - Season 2, last episode, where Carrie runs into Big coming from his engagement party to the model Natasha, and Carrie says to him, why wasn't it me? And he says it was just easier with Natasha, less work, less effort. Carrie realizes she is like the Barbra Streisand character (Katie) from “The Way We Were” and that Natasha was just more simple. Carrie says to Big, “Your girl is lovely, Hubbell,” a famous line from the movie, showing that she finally realizes she was a complicated woman and Big just preferred the simple types.

 

Carrie is a huge personality, a "Katie" and not all men want that. But a lot do. Maybe this guy just wanted someone simple and that would mean you are meant for someone who wants a Katie. You are being protected from someone not meant for you.

 

Rent the movie and I totally recommend Sex and the City. I watch them all the time as I work.

[jennifernyc84]

Obviously you can't be his friend. You know that. Plus, why would you want to? That is not what you want anyway. He would then get the best of both worlds and you get none.

 

Why did he get married? Keep in mind I don't know him but did you ever see that Sex an the City episode - Season 2, last episode, where Carrie runs into Big coming from his engagement party to the model Natasha, and Carrie says to him, why wasn't it me? And he says it was just easier with Natasha, less work, less effort. Carrie realizes she is like the Barbra Streisand character (Katie) from “The Way We Were” and that Natasha was just more simple. Carrie says to Big, “Your girl is lovely, Hubbell,” a famous line from the movie, showing that she finally realizes she was a complicated woman and Big just preferred the simple types.

 

Carrie is a huge personality, a "Katie" and not all men want that. But a lot do. Maybe this guy just wanted someone simple and that would mean you are meant for someone who wants a Katie. You are being protected from someone not meant for you.

 

Rent the movie and I totally recommend Sex and the City. I watch them all the time as I work.

 

But Carrie did get Big in the end lol.

 

I get the point you're making though. But It's hard to change feelings about the situation. See, I've always felt like we belonged together. I'm seeing it differently now, but it's hard to train your brain when it's had one way of thinking for so long.

 

I've never seen the way we were but Sex and the City is one of my all time favorite tv shows.

[BTDT2012]

Heartwhole, I feel like I have let go of that hate a lot. I don't think it is hate anymore. I mean, I've always felt like she was the main cause for my heartache, but I don't think she was. She didn't even know me when she met him. It wasn't personal. If I hate anyone, it should be him!

 

I just checked my junk mail and saw an email from him yesterday, for my birthday. He said happy birthday and that he would never forget my birthday. He said he's sorry that he couldn't be with me on my day. Then he apologized for not respecting my wishes for him not to contact me, but he couldn't imagine his life without me in it. He said he was sorry for everything and he said if I am angry he understands. He asked if I could find it in my heart to forgive him and at least be on good terms. If we could at least be friends, because he can't just forget about me.

 

Sounded pretty heartfelt. I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I did not reply, but I don't know if I want to. I mean, I do, but...I don't know. I don't want to get sucked back in. I feel like I can't just be his friend.

 

Why did he have to get married?

No, you can't be his friend. More to the point, you shouldn't even want to be his friend. Friends don't lie to you and string you along. Don't respond.

[ladydesigner]

Heartwhole, I feel like I have let go of that hate a lot. I don't think it is hate anymore. I mean, I've always felt like she was the main cause for my heartache, but I don't think she was. She didn't even know me when she met him. It wasn't personal. If I hate anyone, it should be him!

 

I just checked my junk mail and saw an email from him yesterday, for my birthday. He said happy birthday and that he would never forget my birthday. He said he's sorry that he couldn't be with me on my day. Then he apologized for not respecting my wishes for him not to contact me, but he couldn't imagine his life without me in it. He said he was sorry for everything and he said if I am angry he understands. He asked if I could find it in my heart to forgive him and at least be on good terms. If we could at least be friends, because he can't just forget about me.

 

Sounded pretty heartfelt. I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I did not reply, but I don't know if I want to. I mean, I do, but...I don't know. I don't want to get sucked back in. I feel like I can't just be his friend.

 

Why did he have to get married?

 

He is hoping you will get sucked back in and it is obvious from the way he is love bombing you with his Happy Birthday email to you.

 

I agree with Sunshinechica it is nearly impossible to be friends with someone you have feelings for without it being detrimental to you.

 

Stay strong (((jennifernyc84)))

[HeCantBreakMe]

Heartwhole, I feel like I have let go of that hate a lot. I don't think it is hate anymore. I mean, I've always felt like she was the main cause for my heartache, but I don't think she was. She didn't even know me when she met him. It wasn't personal. If I hate anyone, it should be him!

 

I just checked my junk mail and saw an email from him yesterday, for my birthday. He said happy birthday and that he would never forget my birthday. He said he's sorry that he couldn't be with me on my day. Then he apologized for not respecting my wishes for him not to contact me, but he couldn't imagine his life without me in it. He said he was sorry for everything and he said if I am angry he understands. He asked if I could find it in my heart to forgive him and at least be on good terms. If we could at least be friends, because he can't just forget about me.

 

Sounded pretty heartfelt. I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I did not reply, but I don't know if I want to. I mean, I do, but...I don't know. I don't want to get sucked back in. I feel like I can't just be his friend.

 

Why did he have to get married?

 

If I had kept any of the emails he sent me.. I would have pulled up one that said the same exact words (minus the happy birthday) .. this is an example of his entitlement issues and his selfishness. He is okay reaching out knowing he is hurting you by doing so, knowing he can't offer you anything but words, but not caring because he is can't stop the pull of his addiction to the affair..

 

My MM did it to me and I did it to him. It was selfishness to the bitter extreme. I would rather harm you then be without you. His needs go above yours they go above his wives and they go above his kids. He is toxic right now.

 

Stay strong.

[BuddyX]

If you're still reading junk mail from him, you got a long way to go. Time to focus on something positive.

[jennifernyc84]

Ok, I feel like I'm spamming you guys today. Sorry if I am

 

So I was checking his instagram. (I blocked him, he didn't block me. And his account isn't private. I am not following him. I never was).

 

I saw a post from a few days ago. It was the day he planned for us to meet at the play. The post said Some people will stab you in the back and act like they're the ones bleeding. I questioned if that post was meant for me. Then I read the caption and it just said "Straws"... I have naturally strawberry blond hair and for this reason he'd always call me strawberry, which he later shortened to Straws. No one else in the whole world knows this but him and I. So it was definitely meant towards me.

 

But why does he feel like I stabbed him in the back? Is it just bait? I don't think I did back stab him. At all!

[jennifernyc84]

If you're still reading junk mail from him, you got a long way to go. Time to focus on something positive.

 

I know, I know.

 

It's something I'm struggling with. I know I have a long way to go.

[FoundMyStrength]

He's posting that you're stabbing him in the back because you're preventing him from getting what he wants: his wife and you too. He's a cake-eater, who's been eating cake for 4 years and is angry that you're trying to take it away.

 

I see this as a classic guilt trip. He knows you truly do care, and have for a long time, and thinks that if he makes you feel guilty about hurting him, that you'll give him his cake. Be strong! To me, a man who would use your good heart as a tool to manipulate you is the worst of the worst.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Ok, I feel like I'm spamming you guys today. Sorry if I am

 

So I was checking his instagram. (I blocked him, he didn't block me. And his account isn't private. I am not following him. I never was).

 

I saw a post from a few days ago. It was the day he planned for us to meet at the play. The post said Some people will stab you in the back and act like they're the ones bleeding. I questioned if that post was meant for me. Then I read the caption and it just said "Straws"... I have naturally strawberry blond hair and for this reason he'd always call me strawberry, which he later shortened to Straws. No one else in the whole world knows this but him and I. So it was definitely meant towards me.

 

But why does he feel like I stabbed him in the back? Is it just bait? I don't think I did back stab him. At all!

 

These my friend are what we refer to in the wonderful world of affairs as 'smoke signals'. He is throwing them up big time. Actually sounds more like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum because someone took his binkie away.

 

You can keep looking and eventually succumb or you can stop looking and run the other way.

 

Don't worry we all struggle with this on here which is why we are here.

[BuddyX]

Why haven't you blocked him Period.??? You get closure by closing the door, not by taking one last peek.

 

You live in NYC. Is this the best you can do?

 

After my divorce, I put the following on my cell phone, so I wouldn't get tempted to respond to my ex wife. "3.5 billion women out there. Just in case the B*tch feels irreplaceable".

 

Worked like a charm.

[aileD]

You need another reason to hate him? To know he doesn't really care about you?

 

Ready?

 

 

He said it in his email: "I'm sorry I didn't respect your wishes not to contact you"

 

If he really cared about you he WOULD respect those wishes and keep his crap to himself. Even if it hurt him because it was important to YOU. Do you see a theme here? What's important to Jennifer does not matter to Josh. Only what's important to Josh matters to Josh.

 

(I know my h'a AP truly cared for him because when he was done and said he was done and to please not contact him for real, ever....and she hasn't)

 

Ignore his instagram. People deal with things in their own way. Just because he posts something like that doesn't mean it's true. You don't need to question it. You already know your back has more stab marks from him than his will ever have from you.

 

You got out before one of those stab marks was fatal. Don't get dragged back in with sugar coated lies lame attempts and getting your attention.

 

Chin up girl. Delete that freaking email. It will be a hassle to change everything but in 3 weeks you'll be settled in the new email address.

 

I'd love to see the look on his face when he gets a "emailbdeli delivery failed, no such address" email back.

[MidnightBlue1980]

But Carrie did get Big in the end lol.

 

I get the point you're making though. But It's hard to change feelings about the situation. See, I've always felt like we belonged together. I'm seeing it differently now, but it's hard to train your brain when it's had one way of thinking for so long.

 

I've never seen the way we were but Sex and the City is one of my all time favorite tv shows.

 

I understand about feelings. I really do. I'm not going to try and tell you not to feel what you do. I still think about xmm and I get the social media thing.

 

I guess the thing is, eventually you just have to make a choice or you are going to waste your whole life on this guy. I'm from NYC, left when I was 30. My friends that are married, got married in their early 30s to guys they dated forever (NY style) or just met and married in a year as the guy's light was on. But the ones who stuck it out in a bad relationship/affair? They are in their 40s now and forever single.

 

You are going to blink and be 40. You will be alone and this guy, how old will his kids be then?

 

Make a decision to end it and find a guy for yourself. Pretend you are two people - your brain is in charge, not your heart or "lady parts". Change your thoughts and your heart will follow. WHatever you focus on, grows.

[MidnightBlue1980]

For you Jennifer, I blocked xmm and his wife on FB and Instagram. Obviously we were all not friends so this will have no impact on their lives, but I admit I looked pretty often. I cannot figure out PinInterest but I am pretty sure he is not reading my pins of workouts, low carb meals and inspirational quotes. It was for me, he's not contacting me at all. Like I told you, we just got to move on from all this garbage. It's a new year. New Year, New You.

[Foreverago]

I had a spoiled brat roommate a long time ago who loved doing those type of posts on social media. The vague booking, the little immature digs at whomever she was having issues with at the time. Having issues meant not giving her what she wanted.

 

He's also a spoiled brat. How unattractive in an adult. You took away his secret toy so he's going to tantrum. And since he can't in front of his wife for obvious reasons, he's going to do this because he KNOWS you're watching. Stop that. You've stroked his over blown sense of self worth far too long.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I had a spoiled brat roommate a long time ago who loved doing those type of posts on social media. The vague booking, the little immature digs at whomever she was having issues with at the time. Having issues meant not giving her what she wanted.

 

He's also a spoiled brat. How unattractive in an adult. You took away his secret toy so he's going to tantrum. And since he can't in front of his wife for obvious reasons, he's going to do this because he KNOWS you're watching. Stop that. You've stroked his over blown sense of self worth far too long.

 

Totally. Plus what kind of a man posts crap like that on Instagram? Men post pictures of motorcycles, steaks and cigars, not quotes about feelings. That is for Pininterest anyway. I cannot spell that stupid site.

[jennifernyc84]

I had a spoiled brat roommate a long time ago who loved doing those type of posts on social media. The vague booking, the little immature digs at whomever she was having issues with at the time. Having issues meant not giving her what she wanted.

 

He's also a spoiled brat. How unattractive in an adult. You took away his secret toy so he's going to tantrum. And since he can't in front of his wife for obvious reasons, he's going to do this because he KNOWS you're watching. Stop that. You've stroked his over blown sense of self worth far too long.

 

His ego is not the only thing I've stroked for way too long.

 

I haven't checked it as often as I used to. I guess curiosity gets the best of me.