Will I ever be his #1?

[imsosad]

Oh, he wishes you were the one raising his kid?

Excuse me. Was he not doing fertility treatmens with his wife,while carrying on an affair with yiy?

If he wanted to have his children with you, wouldn't he have separated from her before they had their baby?

I think your email to him was a mistake. He knows exactly what you want. He knows exactly why you're trying to break it off. No explaination needed. You are getting less than you deserve and he knows it. He also knows you have a hard time resisting him, otherwise why would you agree to four years of this? He can resist you,though. He only want you on condition it doesn't disrupt his well established life.

His response reads to me like spinning whatever words he thinks you need to hear in order to comply again with the bad deal he's offering you.

Right now, he's just hoping you're weak enough to cave in.

Don't break NC.

If he magically gets divorced, he will find a way to let you know.

You have to be strong and determined, but it will pay off in the long run. You don't need this.

[jah526]

Do you know how Elaine predicted this so well?

 

Because they all do it. Mine did it to me repeatedly anytime I'd pull away. The many moments you attempt to be strong and upset the status quo is the moment they get all dramatic. Either with this BS I LOVE YOU (ego strokes) or with the punishment of silence depending on how cruel they are. They are the only ones who are allowed to leave. It's not about you as you are. It's about what you stand for and what they get from you.

 

 

Yep. After I put my foot down this week, he attempted to reel me back several different ways. When I told him I didn't think we should be alone together, within MINUTES he suggested a way for us to be alone together. When that didn't work, he tried to make me feel guilty by saying how lonely he'd be (all about him of course). When that didn't work, he let me know how easily I could be replaced by telling me about the 2 new female friends he'd made within a space of two days. Now he is BLOCKED.

 

So easy to see the manipulation once you know what to look for.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You are giving a lot of personal details on this site. You should be careful. Names, locations, ages...unless you are subconsciously trying to have someone recognize you or him, I would err on the side of not giving real names. JMHO.

 

And I agree with the others, it's just more words. Plus as a mom, I find it morally repulsive that he would say he wishes it was you raising their kids. My xmm was one of the worst on this board but even he did not go that low. You have to realize this is not a good guy.

[jennifernyc84]

You are giving a lot of personal details on this site. You should be careful. Names, locations, ages...unless you are subconsciously trying to have someone recognize you or him, I would err on the side of not giving real names. JMHO.

 

And I agree with the others, it's just more words. Plus as a mom, I find it morally repulsive that he would say he wishes it was you raising their kids. My xmm was one of the worst on this board but even he did not go that low. You have to realize this is not a good guy.

 

 

No one I know would ever come on here. I'm not worried.

 

I'm realizing that he isn't a good guy. I guess love really clouds your vision.

 

If he loved me, he'd be with me. Simple as that. I've turned down countless guys in the passed 4 years telling them "oh, I have a boyfriend", ha! And even before the affair began, guys would come into my life and all I could think about is how they aren't him. I've never even been in love with anyone else.

 

I wish and still hope for a happy ending. This can't be my ending. I know I've done some s.h.i.t.t.y things in the last 4 years, but I deserve to be happy. I'm not at all happy right now. I wish he could feel 1% of how I feel. Then he'd know what he does to me every time he does this.

 

I'm going home for Christmas tomorrow. I need to. I can't be alone. I have to be around people who love me. Taking 4 extra days off of work but I need this.

[MidnightBlue1980]

No one I know would ever come on here. I'm not worried.

 

I'm realizing that he isn't a good guy. I guess love really clouds your vision.

 

If he loved me, he'd be with me. Simple as that. I've turned down countless guys in the passed 4 years telling them "oh, I have a boyfriend", ha! And even before the affair began, guys would come into my life and all I could think about is how they aren't him. I've never even been in love with anyone else.

 

I wish and still hope for a happy ending. This can't be my ending. I know I've done some s.h.i.t.t.y things in the last 4 years, but I deserve to be happy. I'm not at all happy right now. I wish he could feel 1% of how I feel. Then he'd know what he does to me every time he does this.

 

I'm going home for Christmas tomorrow. I need to. I can't be alone. I have to be around people who love me. Taking 4 extra days off of work but I need this.

 

Ok. I'm just saying, I am from NYC. You don't know who is reading this - they may recognize the baby's name and the father's name. Lots of people get busted in these things because they are seen by someone they don't even know - but who knows them. Luckily you are single so it is one less problem for you to worry about, someone telling your husband.

 

It's not really about him loving you or not loving you. Men just don't leave their families for another woman, even if they love her till pieces. You need to read more here to understand the mind of a man. They are not like women. They are very capable of loving their life with their family and having a relationship on the side, it is what my xmm wanted. He did not want a new full time woman, only a side compartment.

 

Men only leave a marriage if they are miserable and often, they are still loathe to leave it, so they fill the missing parts with the love of another woman. It takes a LOT to have a man leave his wife and it will almost never be for another woman. If you look at the Infidelity board, it's full of men holding on to a wife who is running around on them and treating them like crap. They just don't let go of their families easily. And then sometimes, they divorce the wife as they are so mad at her, but marry her again later on. In fact, most divorces are filed by women. Men just need the family unit, they are loathe to give it up.

 

There are guys here in serious pain over their xOW - they were with these women for years, and they really did love her - but in almost all cases they are still married to their wives, wives who tend to have no idea any of this happened. They are just able to compartmentalize it in a way you or I cannot understand.

 

I understand you think, what does any of this have to do with this guy I love, but see, it does. The first step to getting out of this mess is to understand what you are up against and think about if all these years and wasted time is worth it, for some guy you will most likely never get.

 

I encourage you to read some of the postings by Oldshirt, DKT3, BluesPower, Jerseybornraised, road, Marc878, and drifter777. It is not a coincidence they all say the same things about affairs.

[BuddyX]

Their is a saying "True friends walk in when the whole world walks out".

 

Tell her wife the story, and see if he sticks around.

[whichwayisup]

No one I know would ever come on here. I'm not worried.

 

I'm realizing that he isn't a good guy. I guess love really clouds your vision.

 

If he loved me, he'd be with me. Simple as that. I've turned down countless guys in the passed 4 years telling them "oh, I have a boyfriend", ha! And even before the affair began, guys would come into my life and all I could think about is how they aren't him. I've never even been in love with anyone else.

 

I wish and still hope for a happy ending. This can't be my ending. I know I've done some s.h.i.t.t.y things in the last 4 years, but I deserve to be happy. I'm not at all happy right now. I wish he could feel 1% of how I feel. Then he'd know what he does to me every time he does this.

 

I'm going home for Christmas tomorrow. I need to. I can't be alone. I have to be around people who love me. Taking 4 extra days off of work but I need this.

 

Well do you tell people you're on this site? Never know who reads let alone posts on a public site like this.

 

Hope your holidays make you truly believe the above bolded. Saying it is one thing, feeling it and following through is another. I wish you lots of strength and courage to stay in NC and put yourself first. Grieve the loss, really allow yourself to do this otherwise you'll keep the door open. Make it over for real.

[Chica80]

No one I know would ever come on here. I'm not worried.

 

I'm realizing that he isn't a good guy. I guess love really clouds your vision.

 

If he loved me, he'd be with me. Simple as that. I've turned down countless guys in the passed 4 years telling them "oh, I have a boyfriend", ha! And even before the affair began, guys would come into my life and all I could think about is how they aren't him. I've never even been in love with anyone else.

 

I wish and still hope for a happy ending. This can't be my ending. I know I've done some s.h.i.t.t.y things in the last 4 years, but I deserve to be happy. I'm not at all happy right now. I wish he could feel 1% of how I feel. Then he'd know what he does to me every time he does this.

 

I'm going home for Christmas tomorrow. I need to. I can't be alone. I have to be around people who love me. Taking 4 extra days off of work but I need this.

 

 

The bolded ugh.....I know this feeling so well!!! HE has a wife and a life outside of me someone to go home to. BUT somehow its painful for him really????

[sandylee1]

Hi Jenn,

 

He was predictable wasn't he. You get yourself away for Christmas and ignore that emailfor now. You made it more than clear what you want from him and he's just responded with declarations of love for you.

 

No timeline to him telling her.

No actual plan.

Just words

 

He's hoping those words will be enough to seal the deal.

 

How incredibly cruel to say he sees you when he looks at her and wishes you were the mother of his children.

 

He's not showing that he's husband material to his wife or that he would be a good husband to you.

 

He got one thing right .... He's been an A**hole and he's fu***d up your life and placed you on hold, but don't let that define you moving forwards. You're young enough to find a good man .... and there are good men out there, you just never gave any of them a chance. Because you were being faithful and loyal to a cheater.

 

Sounds crazy doesn't it. You'll get there in the end Jenn

[elaine567]

I wish and still hope for a happy ending. This can't be my ending.

 

You are correct this can't be your happy ending because even if he left her tomorrow and you two got together, she will be in your life for ever as the mother of his child.

 

He tells her about the two of you, she hates you with a passion for ruining her marriage. Happy families????

He doesn't tell her and the two of you live with that secret, knowing that any second it could all blow up in your faces. That sounds like fun????

 

And as for sticking around as no 2 forever, that is definitely no happy ending for you..

 

Best you start looking for a man who makes you no. 1 from day one.

[jennifernyc84]

When I was 10, I met and fell in love with my best friend and then next door neighbor josh. He was the first boy I had ever had romantic thoughts about. My other 10 year old girl friends hadn't even starting noticing boys yet. But I noticed him and I was head over heels.

 

When josh was 14, he started dating. Not me...I was only 12. But he started dating a high school girl. I thought my life was over then. Spoiler alert it wasn't.

 

When josh was 18, he was getting ready to leave our hometown for college. I was 16 and still in high school. again, thought I wouldn't survive...I did.

 

When josh was 27, he got married. I was 25 and still single. I had dated a few guys but I had never loved any of them and I don't think I let them love me. When josh got married, I once again thought, how am I going to survive this one?

 

Still not sure I figured it out yet.

 

But I know that cutting him out and going NC is one of the hardest things I've gone through.

 

Call me weak and judge me if you will-I hate not speaking to him.

[HeCantBreakMe]

When I was 10, I met and fell in love with my best friend and then next door neighbor josh. He was the first boy I had ever had romantic thoughts about. My other 10 year old girl friends hadn't even starting noticing boys yet. But I noticed him and I was head over heels.

 

When josh was 14, he started dating. Not me...I was only 12. But he started dating a high school girl. I thought my life was over then. Spoiler alert �� it wasn't.

 

When josh was 18, he was getting ready to leave our hometown for college. I was 16 and still in high school. again, thought I wouldn't survive...I did.

 

When josh was 27, he got married. I was 25 and still single. I had dated a few guys but I had never loved any of them and I don't think I let them love me. When josh got married, I once again thought, how am I going to survive this one?

 

Still not sure I figured it out yet.

 

But I know that cutting him out and going NC is one of the hardest things I've gone through.

 

Call me weak and judge me if you will-I hate not speaking to him.

 

Good, letting go is the first step. You have carried a torch for this man for so long- a man who has only offered you crumbs..

 

Maybe your lesson in all of this is learning to let go of toxic relationships. You have to love yourself more than you love him and if you tried looking at it from the outside in - it wouldn't be as hard to do.

 

I am not writing off your pain. I have felt pain from being an OW, no one can understand your particular pain but I can say moving forward will not kill you but standing sill just might.

[jennifernyc84]

Say whatever you will, it's not easy letting him go.

 

He isn't a guy I met a little while ago. We have so much history. Every childhood memory I have, he is in it. We have mutual friends. Our families are friends.

 

I'm going home tonight. I'll be there until after Christmas.

 

Hope everyone has a merry Christmas.

 

Hug your loved ones and tell them you love them.

[whichwayisup]

You've wasted your life lusting and being in love with someone who never dated you properly when you were younger and single. Sounds like a one sided romance, mostly in your head. Because of this, please seek out counseling, you've built a fantasy life with him that's never going to happen and it's prevented you from finding someone else to create a life with.

[LexiCat29]

When I was 10, I met and fell in love with my best friend and then next door neighbor josh. He was the first boy I had ever had romantic thoughts about. My other 10 year old girl friends hadn't even starting noticing boys yet. But I noticed him and I was head over heels.

 

When josh was 14, he started dating. Not me...I was only 12. But he started dating a high school girl. I thought my life was over then. Spoiler alert �� it wasn't.

 

When josh was 18, he was getting ready to leave our hometown for college. I was 16 and still in high school. again, thought I wouldn't survive...I did.

 

When josh was 27, he got married. I was 25 and still single. I had dated a few guys but I had never loved any of them and I don't think I let them love me. When josh got married, I once again thought, how am I going to survive this one?

 

Still not sure I figured it out yet.

 

But I know that cutting him out and going NC is one of the hardest things I've gone through.

 

Call me weak and judge me if you will-I hate not speaking to him.

 

This is where you're wrong. You want to talk to him so badly but you're resisting. That is STRENGTH, not weakness! You're awesome!

[jennifernyc84]

You've wasted your life lusting and being in love with someone who never dated you properly when you were younger and single. Sounds like a one sided romance, mostly in your head. Because of this, please seek out counseling, you've built a fantasy life with him that's never going to happen and it's prevented you from finding someone else to create a life with.

 

It's one sided. It's always been one sided. I just hate that it took me so long to realize that.

 

I always felt in my heart that we'd end up together. So when he began saying the things I've always wanted to hear, it made sense. It was confirmation of what I already knew.

 

I believed it because I wanted to

[imsosad]

I know it's not easy for you, but I want to point out 2 things:

1. I think you're more in love with the narrative of "Josh is my childhood crush" than you are with the actual Josh.It is not as romantic as you think it is, it actually sounds more like stunted growth than star crossed lovers.

2. Age 10 is not exactly the best age to be making life decisions. Do you really think you had the capacity at age 10 to pick out your lifelong partner?

You need to fight yourself on this one. It is so obviously a case of a fantasy that has grown way beyond its true proportions.

It is time to push through and move forward. Stay strong, I know it hurts.

[jennifernyc84]

Age 10 is not exactly the best age to be making life decisions. Do you really think you had the capacity at age 10 to pick out your lifelong partner?

 

True for sure! I tell myself that. But the feelings never left. Do you believe in soulmates? I still don't know if I do completly, but if the concept exists, he would be mine.

 

Please don't think I haven't tried to get over him. Each of the scenarios I stated earlier I told myself it was time to let go. At 12 when he got his first girlfriend, at 16 when he was leaving for college, then when he got engaged and married. Not to mention when he got his wife pregnant and when the baby was born!

 

I've given up more times then I can count and I keep failing for him over again.

 

Sappy as it sounds, it's real. Real to me anyway.

[BuddyX]

Soulmate is a stripper I met in Florida. Oh yeah, their was also Fate and Destiny.

 

You need to stop Glorifying him. Ever night, every single night he's with his wife and kid. That should be enough of a deterrent for you.

 

Clear your mind during the holidays

[jennifernyc84]

Soulmate is a stripper I met in Florida. Oh yeah, their was also Fate and Destiny.

 

Hahaha! This made me laugh.

 

You guys always know what to say to lighten the mood.

 

I needed that.

[pteromom]

 

No this isn't how I want my life. But I can't get over him. I want him..

 

Yes you can.

 

We humans have hearts. And our hearts are capable of feeling pain. And sometimes that pain can feel like dying. It can take our breath away. It can leave us crumpled on the floor in a heap.

 

But -

 

We also have fingers. And our fingers can block phone numbers and block people on social media and not answer texts.

 

And we also have legs. And our legs can carry us away from someone who is toxic for us, even as our hearts are breaking.

 

And we also have mouths. And our mouths can scream "DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN! LEAVE ME ALONE! If you contact me again, I will be on your front porch telling her you haven't ended it. Do. Not. Contact. Me. EVER! AGAIN!" and when you hang up from saying that, your heart will take over and will crumple you to the floor again...but you won't stay there forever, I promise.

 

And we also have brains. And our brains have to weigh what is best for us and make choices in spite of the pain that results.

 

And we also have spirits. And our spirits need to feel nurtured and supported and led to greatness. And you cannot lead your spirit to greatness by allowing your heart to hold onto your addiction to him.

 

Because he doesn't want you only DOES NOT mean you are undeserving. It means that he is incapable of the faithfulness and integrity you wish he had. It doesn't mean you are unlovable. It means his heart is unloving.

 

He is just using you for what he gets from you: sex, adoration, desire, feeling needed, feeling wanted...and when he gets his fill of those things, he goes back home, satisfied and happy - and probably feeling quite proud of himself for being able to lie and manipulate. Yes, he probably feels powerful because of your pain and your inability to cut him off.

 

You deserve more. You deserve better. You deserve love. And you will NEVER NEVER find it here. Even if he leaves her, you will never be his #1 - because his #1 is himself. Always will be.

[pteromom]

True for sure! I tell myself that. But the feelings never left. Do you believe in soulmates? I still don't know if I do completly, but if the concept exists, he would be mine.

 

He is NOT your soulmate.

 

He is a parasite of your soul.

[jennifernyc84]

Yes you can.

 

We humans have hearts. And our hearts are capable of feeling pain. And sometimes that pain can feel like dying. It can take our breath away. It can leave us crumpled on the floor in a heap.

 

But -

 

We also have fingers. And our fingers can block phone numbers and block people on social media and not answer texts.

 

And we also have legs. And our legs can carry us away from someone who is toxic for us, even as our hearts are breaking.

 

And we also have mouths. And our mouths can scream "DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN! LEAVE ME ALONE! If you contact me again, I will be on your front porch telling her you haven't ended it. Do. Not. Contact. Me. EVER! AGAIN!" and when you hang up from saying that, your heart will take over and will crumple you to the floor again...but you won't stay there forever, I promise.

 

And we also have brains. And our brains have to weigh what is best for us and make choices in spite of the pain that results.

 

And we also have spirits. And our spirits need to feel nurtured and supported and led to greatness. And you cannot lead your spirit to greatness by allowing your heart to hold onto your addiction to him.

 

Because he doesn't want you only DOES NOT mean you are undeserving. It means that he is incapable of the faithfulness and integrity you wish he had. It doesn't mean you are unlovable. It means his heart is unloving.

 

He is just using you for what he gets from you: sex, adoration, desire, feeling needed, feeling wanted...and when he gets his fill of those things, he goes back home, satisfied and happy - and probably feeling quite proud of himself for being able to lie and manipulate. Yes, he probably feels powerful because of your pain and your inability to cut him off.

 

You deserve more. You deserve better. You deserve love. And you will NEVER NEVER find it here. Even if he leaves her, you will never be his #1 - because his #1 is himself. Always will be.

 

 

Wow! Every single word. It's so perfectly accurate that it hurts. The old me would have never believed a word of it. But I'm not the same as I used to be.

 

I did block him. Everywhere that I could. Had a moment of weakness on Friday when he popped in and we kissed but that's it. No more I swear to myself that I won't let him back in. I am sabotaging myself by doing so.

[pteromom]

Wow! Every single word. It's so perfectly accurate that it hurts. The old me would have never believed a word of it. But I'm not the same as I used to be.

 

I did block him. Everywhere that I could. Had a moment of weakness on Friday when he popped in and we kissed but that's it. No more I swear to myself that I won't let him back in. I am sabotaging myself by doing so.

 

If he pops in again - and he will - NO KISSING. His lying lips will not poison you again.

 

I would write or type out all the lies and hurtful things he has done to you. Tape it to the back of your front door. While he is out there knocking and begging, you read what you wrote. Feel your heart putting on its armor. Feel your strength and courage rise. Feel yourself become brave. Braveheart is a movie, but it is also a name for the new you.

 

And bravery doesn't mean you won't feel pain. Courage is doing the right thing IN SPITE OF the pain.

 

And you can do it. I know you can.

[jennifernyc84]

If he pops in again - and he will - NO KISSING. His lying lips will not poison you again.

 

That's what scares me. I know I'll see him again and no matter how strong I become when he isn't around, I cave in the second he is. When he showed up at my door, I was yelling, screaming, even cursing him! But he hugged me and kissed me and before I knew it I was kissing back and couldn't stop. My head was saying push him away but my body was pulling him closer when it did.

 

But I will credit myself for stopping before it led to sex. It could have gotten there verrrrrrry easily.