Will I ever be his #1?

[imsosad]

Jen. Honey. He has no magical powers that make you cave in. Every bit of power he has on you was handed over by you.

You cave in because you believe that's what you're supposed to do when you're in love, that being unable to ressist what's bad for you is a sign of how much you care and how right ths is.

WRONG.

Love is supposed to be good for you.

You asked about soul mates.

Nah.

I think there are people you have special chemistry with, but there are several of those,and they probably change as you grow and prgress (hint)

I know it can feel as though someone is a soul mate.

It has to go both ways,though.

Suppose tomorrow I meet this guy,Simon. Simon just falls in love with me and knows for sure I'm his soul mate. I don't feel the same about him. So are we soul mates or not?

I really think you have an immature, over romaticised notion of love. You have some growing up to do.

Knock it off and stop tellng yourself you just can't be around him. He's just a dude,Jen. Replace these thoughts. Validate yourself, tell yourself you have so got this. It really does depend of your attitude.

[pteromom]

That's what scares me. I know I'll see him again and no matter how strong I become when he isn't around, I cave in the second he is. When he showed up at my door, I was yelling, screaming, even cursing him! But he hugged me and kissed me and before I knew it I was kissing back and couldn't stop. My head was saying push him away but my body was pulling him closer when it did.

 

Oh yeah - Very PASSIONATE and INTENSE, right? Crying and anger and love and kissing and lust all wrapped up in one moment. I remember having moments like that in my life too. So powerful. Makes your head swim and your heart ache, and you just think "This is so strong. This is what LOVE looks like."

 

But this is NOT what love looks like. This is just intensity. And you can really become drunk on intensity and addicted to it.

 

LOVE is bringing him a hot water bottle when he is sick and shivering. LOVE is being there with a smile at the end of his long day. LOVE is saying no to other opportunities, even when part of you wants to say yes. LOVE is holding his hand while he kisses his mama goodbye in her casket. LOVE is being strong for each other; for holding each other up when weak. LOVE is being accepting and forgiving and kind and gentle. LOVE is listening to long boring stories because he enjoys telling them. LOVE is patient and kind and all the other wonderful things in the Corinthians definition. And the most important part is that LOVE means the other person does all the same for you.

 

Love isn't about intensity. Sure, FALLING in love can be. And sure, there are moments of passion and anger and intensity in all relationships. But that's not what love looks like. It's old and worn and comfortable and safe. Pretty much the opposite of what you have with him.

 

But I will credit myself for stopping before it led to sex. It could have gotten there verrrrrrry easily.

 

That's good that you stopped it.

 

Now next time, you can't even let it begin. Remember that the intensity and passion is just a drug you are addicted to. And it is time to break that addiction.

[jennifernyc84]

 

LOVE is bringing him a hot water bottle when he is sick and shivering. LOVE is being there with a smile at the end of his long day. LOVE is saying no to other opportunities, even when part of you wants to say yes. LOVE is holding his hand while he kisses his mama goodbye in her casket. LOVE is being strong for each other; for holding each other up when weak. LOVE is being accepting and forgiving and kind and gentle. LOVE is listening to long boring stories because he enjoys telling them. LOVE is patient and kind and all the other wonderful things in the Corinthians definition. And the most important part is that LOVE means the other person does all the same for you.

 

Pteromom, this is a perfect description of love. It made me cry because I have never gotten any of that from josh. I'd always be there for him when he needed anything but he'd never do any of those things for me.

[pteromom]

Pteromom, this is a perfect description of love. It made me cry because I have never gotten any of that from josh. I'd always be there for him when he needed anything but he'd never do any of those things for me.

 

That proves to you that this isn't what you think it is.

 

Is this still your definition of a "soulmate"? Someone who is never there for you when you need him, but always there when you are trying to cut the ropes and escape?

 

Sounds more like a captor.

 

You gotta change the things you are saying to yourself.

 

And that includes on social media. I see so many ladies posting all these heartwrenching memes and quotes about "love" to encourage themselves to hang on to jerks like yours. Don't be like that.

 

You gotta start working on changing your entire self-talk. And actually arguing with yourself with you are overtaken with romantic notions about "soulmates" and such.

[Foreverago]

Do you know what's awesome about this situation?

 

You have never been in love with someone capable of loving you back. Do you know what that means? Once you've moved on, healed up and are dating with an honest outlook, you get to feel real romantic love for the first time MUTUALLY. It's going to be amazing. You'll have that moment of: oh! That's what it's supposed to feel like!

 

You'll be able to look back on this in the far away future and be all "pfffft, what a waste of heart he was." There won't be aching and melancholy over him. It'll be pretty darn neutral which is a great place to be.

 

Seriously, the best parts of life are still ahead of you.

[jennifernyc84]

Ok...so it isn't love.

 

Why does it hurt so bad? And why do I still want to be with him?

[Satu]

Ok...so it isn't love.

 

Why does it hurt so bad? And why do I still want to be with him?

 

It hurts so bad because you suffer from a complex grouping of addictive and compulsive behaviours.

 

You still want to be with him because he is your drug.

 

 

Take care.

[Foreverago]

The first romantic feelings you have for someone are always intense. Unrequited or not, it's how you are learning to shape your emotions. Why do you think teenage love is so dramatic?

 

You hurt because he's hurting you, rejection from the person you've put on a pedestal hurts a Hell of a lot. And you are hurting yourself. Affairs cause a lot of self torture.

 

Affairs are a terrible mix of hormones, fantasy love, jealousy, rejection, secrets, pain, sex, longing, and loneliness. Of course it's going to feel like crap and make you hurt. Add in your years long crush. It's a mix of toxicity which hurts more than usual.

 

You want him for the reasons people want anyone. They want to be cherished and loved by the person they pick. It's natural. That's not your fault, but how you act on it is. You will heal if you give yourself a chance to.

[jennifernyc84]

It hurts so bad because you suffer from a complex grouping of addictive and compulsive behaviours.

 

You still want to be with him because he is your drug.

 

 

Take care.

 

Sounds awful lol

 

I'll be leaving for my parents house in a little while. Should be there by this evening. I need to regroup.

[Foreverago]

It hurts so bad because you suffer from a complex grouping of addictive and compulsive behaviours.

 

You still want to be with him because he is your drug.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

 

And this too^ All day.

[Satu]

Sounds awful lol

 

I'll be leaving for my parents house in a little while. Should be there by this evening. I need to regroup.

 

It is awful.

 

I hope you find the healing that you so clearly need.

 

The power is in your hands. It always has been and always will be.

 

 

Take care.

[pteromom]

Ok...so it isn't love.

 

Why does it hurt so bad? And why do I still want to be with him?

 

Because it is all you know.

 

Because it is a habit...longing for him is what you've done.

 

Because you believe somewhere inside yourself that his incapability to love you is a failing on your part, and that if you were good enough, he would love you.

 

Because you see in him what you wish him to be...the life you wish you had with him. Instead of seeing him for the whole of who he is.

 

Because you believe that if you love him hard enough, he will break free of his lies, manipulation, lack of character, and magically become the great man you know he is inside.

 

Because letting go means you have wasted years and years of your life on him.

 

Because why did you have to go through all this pain without a happy ending?

 

Because you have taught yourself to listen to the same self-talk and you are stuck in a loop.

 

----

 

You can WANT something and know it is not what you NEED.

You can LOSE something, and go through the hurt, and still walk through the fire to the other side.

[Poppy47]

As long as he has the freedom to just "POP IN", as you put it, of course you won't be forgetting him.

 

Why on earth does he still have the freedom to rock up at your front door???

It's back on you to stop his behaviour.

 

Poppy.

[jennifernyc84]

Because it is all you know.

 

Because it is a habit...longing for him is what you've done.

 

Because you believe somewhere inside yourself that his incapability to love you is a failing on your part, and that if you were good enough, he would love you.

 

Because you see in him what you wish him to be...the life you wish you had with him. Instead of seeing him for the whole of who he is.

 

Because you believe that if you love him hard enough, he will break free of his lies, manipulation, lack of character, and magically become the great man you know he is inside.

 

Because letting go means you have wasted years and years of your life on him.

 

Because why did you have to go through all this pain without a happy ending?

 

Because you have taught yourself to listen to the same self-talk and you are stuck in a loop.

 

----

 

You can WANT something and know it is not what you NEED.

You can LOSE something, and go through the hurt, and still walk through the fire to the other side.

 

 

Well pteromom, that's the second post of yours that made me cry. You really have a way with words and understand exactly how I feel. I couldn't have written it better myself.

 

I know I've said this before but this whole situation is so heart wrenching for me right now. I've been crying all day. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, I've cried so much my chest hurts.

 

But the pain is a good thing. It takes away that numbness. That numb feeling that makes you feel dead inside.

[jennifernyc84]

As long as he has the freedom to just "POP IN", as you put it, of course you won't be forgetting him.

 

Why on earth does he still have the freedom to rock up at your front door???

It's back on you to stop his behaviour.

 

Poppy.

 

He knows the doorman at my building so he just let him in. They usually call me when I have a visitor. But they know josh so I guess they didn't feel the need to.

 

I've already spoken to the security and told them not to let anyone in without calling me first.

[aileD]

Jen,

 

What was going on in your life when you were younger? The u healthy attachment you have to him at such a young age screams distraction. Was something bad happening in your life? Family problems? Bullying? Maybe he was kind and made you feel better and you kind of clung to that?

 

Can you think of anything? Because you aren't dealing with certain aspects of life and growing emotionally because of your attachment to him. What is it hiding? Is there other stuff maybe you are afraid to deal with and this drama with Josh just blankets that?

[jennifernyc84]

Jen,

 

What was going on in your life when you were younger? The u healthy attachment you have to him at such a young age screams distraction. Was something bad happening in your life? Family problems? Bullying? Maybe he was kind and made you feel better and you kind of clung to that?

 

Can you think of anything? Because you aren't dealing with certain aspects of life and growing emotionally because of your attachment to him. What is it hiding? Is there other stuff maybe you are afraid to deal with and this drama with Josh just blankets that?

 

I can tell you I honestly had the best childhood ever.

 

Mom and dad are happily together til this day, 33 years strong. I grew up with a younger brother and sister. Dads parents had a place at the jersey shore and we'd spend summers there at the beach. I have a great relationship with my family. I had a ton of friends growing up. I always did very well in school. I've never been big on drinking and have never done drugs. Abuse? No. Been bullied? Not really. I mean, kids are mean. Sometimes they say hurtful things. And yes, josh would always stick up for me in those times, but they weren't often.

[whichwayisup]

He knows the doorman at my building so he just let him in. They usually call me when I have a visitor. But they know josh so I guess they didn't feel the need to.

 

I've already spoken to the security and told them not to let anyone in without calling me first.

 

Tell ALL the security guards not let HIM in, most of all.

[jennifernyc84]

Being here, in the small town we grew up in, I think wasn't the best thing for me right now. I got so caught up with going home and being with family, that I absolutely forgot that this was the place where we shared most of our memories.

 

Our school, our mall, our favorite pizza place. Where we had our first kiss. It's all still here. Just driving down the streets, each street is another memory.

 

His old house is directly across the street from my parents, and I remember looking out this very window and watching him play basketball with his brothers. Or washing the car.

 

I think I made a mistake coming here. He's all around me. It's made me feel 10 times worse than I did today.

[Poppy47]

He knows the doorman at my building so he just let him in. They usually call me when I have a visitor. But they know josh so I guess they didn't feel the need to.

 

I've already spoken to the security and told them not to let anyone in without calling me first.

 

That sounds pretty lame. How about jumping up and down a bit?

 

If you truly DO NOT wish to see somebody, you will go to great lengths to stop them POPPING IN.

 

Poppy.

[aileD]

Being here, in the small town we grew up in, I think wasn't the best thing for me right now. I got so caught up with going home and being with family, that I absolutely forgot that this was the place where we shared most of our memories.

 

Our school, our mall, our favorite pizza place. Where we had our first kiss. It's all still here. Just driving down the streets, each street is another memory.

 

His old house is directly across the street from my parents, and I remember looking out this very window and watching him play basketball with his brothers. Or washing the car.

 

I think I made a mistake coming here. He's all around me. It's made me feel 10 times worse than I did today.

 

Change your mindset. This is full circle. It's where you put this relationship to rest. It started here, it ends emotionally here.

 

Change your mind honey. Positive. Don't dwell on the fake fantasy youve been clinging to since you were younger.

 

You can do this. It will make you stronger

[jennifernyc84]

Change your mindset. This is full circle. It's where you put this relationship to rest. It started here, it ends emotionally here.

 

 

That makes all the sense in the world.

 

I can make peace with this now.

 

I can confront that helpless teenager that would do anything to get the boy next door to notice her, and tell her that if she doesn't get him out of her heart, it will ruin people's lives.

 

I know what I have to do now.

 

Thank you, aileD, for making me remember why I came to LS in the first place. For help. And that's what I got.

 

I feel like writing her (me) a letter. To tell her how bad of a road she's going down.

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer, writing the letter is a great idea. I put a lot of stuff down, I then spend time editing it, changing word choices, moving stuff around for clarity. Then I delete it.

 

Writing things down, not in flowery romantic prose but calm adult language will help you see the damage you have done to yourself.

 

Keep it off him and why he did/does/will do what he does. He does not matter. This is all about you. And spend some time in your letter thinking about where you want to be in the future. What you want in a relationship. Do not put him into it. He is not and never will be your future. Keep the letter focused on the only person you can change or help, yourself.

 

I hope your holidays are happy.

[aileD]

The letter is a great idea.

 

Also...you're home so there's probs pics around. Find a pic of you at that age and tape it to your mirror. Talk to her. Tell her she grows into a strong confident woman who demands respect. Tell her you love her. Tell her you forgive her and tell her you are going to make the best life for her. That you are going to work on being the best woman possible for her. That she will be happy

 

I have so much faith in you!!!

[HeCantBreakMe]

The letter is a great idea.

 

Also...you're home so there's probs pics around. Find a pic of you at that age and tape it to your mirror. Talk to her. Tell her she grows into a strong confident woman who demands respect. Tell her you love her. Tell her you forgive her and tell her you are going to make the best life for her. That you are going to work on being the best woman possible for her. That she will be happy

 

I have so much faith in you!!!

 

I think this is a great idea. At some point Jennifer you needed to confront those memories and that little girl who fancied herself in love with this man. Let her go.. let her know you are a woman and ready to enjoy your life now.

 

Good luck - Your pain is real and it hurts but it will not last forever.