Satu Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 This thread brought this to mind: “It was not the thorn bending to the honeysuckles, but the honeysuckles embracing the thorn.” ― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Oh, I'm wide awake trust me! But each lie he tells sounds so sincere that I believe it every time. That's on you. You are choosing to continue to believe a very skilled liar, for FOUR years. Seems you haven't suffered enough pain and heartache yet to learn your lesson to stop believing him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 I told him I'm taking a stand. I refused to see him. I told him that I'm done sneaking around. I can't trust myself when I'm around him. So anything he has to say he can say in over the phone. He started with the apologies and all that goes along with that. Self bashing and all. Then came the I love yous and i promise to make it rights. So I told him the only way to make it right is filing for those papers. He said he would and I said I'll believe that when I see it. I know he won't. But part of me is still hoping that he will. But he won't, right? He is trying to manipulate you. Go NC. It'll hurt you badly but you have to do this if you want to truly end it with him. Any phone calls gives him the time to sway you back and you say you're weak and cave. Sorry, he isn't going to file. And even if he does, that doesn't mean he'll divorce. His wife obviously isn't ready to give up on him and their marriage and life together, she's going to fight for him. Do they have children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 "Will I ever be his #1?" With all due respect, why you want to be his #1? This man has lied and to his wife, and used and mislead you, for four years! The kind of man to do that, is not worthy of your trust or your affection. Even if he chose you and left his wife - which he won't do because he hasn't done it in the past four years - why would you want an untrustworthy, lying, cheat of a man in your life? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted December 12, 2016 Author Share Posted December 12, 2016 He is trying to manipulate you. Go NC. It'll hurt you badly but you have to do this if you want to truly end it with him. Any phone calls gives him the time to sway you back and you say you're weak and cave. Sorry, he isn't going to file. And even if he does, that doesn't mean he'll divorce. His wife obviously isn't ready to give up on him and their marriage and life together, she's going to fight for him. Do they have children? They have a 2 year old son. It took them a while to become pregnant. Even though he claimed To not want kids with her, he still went to fertility doctors. They tried in vitro fertilization 3 times before the pregnancy took. Cost them an arm and a leg. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 They have a 2 year old son. It took them a while to become pregnant. Even though he claimed To not want kids with her, he still went to fertility doctors. They tried in vitro fertilization 3 times before the pregnancy took. Cost them an arm and a leg. Please tell me you do not believe this? This man has lied over and over to you and you keep eating it up. MEN WHO don't want children, don't have them! Men who want to divorce, DO SO! 7 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 You did good this time. But next time - if you give him a next time- chances are you wont be strong enough. He is addicted to you and he will not let you out of his life without a fight. You give him the extra he needs - you are his fix. As a WW I know the feeling of being in an affair and it is better then any drug I have ever taken. You need a large amount of internal fortitude to turn your back on that because you realize it is ruining your life and it doesn't sound like he is willing to let his drug go (regardless of the pain it causes everyone around him). I am not sure you are ready to walk away from him. You keep wanting to believe he will leave her so you will keep him there on the other end of your phone thinking you are strong enough to 'not see him' but you aren't; none of us are. Strength is being smart enough to recognize your weakness not being strong enough to resist it but smart enough to stay away from it. Block and delete, and total NC it is the only way. Or you will stay in the 'wash, rinse, repeat cycle' for many more years to come. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 They have a 2 year old son. It took them a while to become pregnant. Even though he claimed To not want kids with her, he still went to fertility doctors. They tried in vitro fertilization 3 times before the pregnancy took. Cost them an arm and a leg. I wrote this in my journal in July: "What the other woman believes (The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe.) "He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older." This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings." Take care. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 They have a 2 year old son. It took them a while to become pregnant. Even though he claimed To not want kids with her, he still went to fertility doctors. They tried in vitro fertilization 3 times before the pregnancy took. Cost them an arm and a leg. A man who does not want kids and is in an unhappy marriage... does not go to fertility doctors and spend an arm and a leg to become pregnant. Sorry. It just doesn't happen that way, and if you think it does I have a bridge to sell you in China. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beautiful_day Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 You've been hanging around in the shadows of their family for years, like the Grim Reaper, waiting for their marriage to die. It's a bit creepy. Maybe stop doing that. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 What is it costing him to be with you? What sacrifises is he making? None. None at all. When your affair began, he had not become a father yet, so it stands to reason that if he did not love his wife and really loved you, he would leave. He did not. Why? What is the most probable answer to that question? He cheated on his wife through fertility treatments, a pregnancy and while she was dealing woth a new born. This is how he treats his number 1! Are you sure you want to trade places? I've already given this example several times, but it fits perfectly here. I know a woman who waited 20 years for her MM to leave. He did-when it suited him. They were fonally living together, but it didnt last. According to her, only when they were together full time did she realise all she missed and gave up for him. It had hit her, that whe she wassad, lonely and upset on weekends and holidays, he was enjoying his family. She saw that while her life was on hold, waiting for him, he was living a full life in which shewas an extra. He was her everything, she was another factor in his life. She grew to resent hm so much that they separated within a couple of years. You are deluding yourself. Want and demand better for yourself-but not from him. From you. No contact is your way to go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 They have a 2 year old son. It took them a while to become pregnant. Even though he claimed To not want kids with her, he still went to fertility doctors. They tried in vitro fertilization 3 times before the pregnancy took. Cost them an arm and a leg. Omg! The easiest time for him to leave would have been before he had a child with his wife. How can you find this awful man attractive? Either he has been lying to you from the start (this is most likely) and knew early on he was never going to leave his wife and that's why he was okay with her becoming pregnant, or he went to all the effort, time and expense to create a child he was always planning to leave (less likely). Either way it's disgusting and sick. Why would you want a man who would bring a child into this world under these circumstances? How does it feel to know that your happiness all hinges on having this little toddler's home break apart? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 He was telling you he was going to leave her as he was doing thru extreme measures actively trying to get her pregnant. So, he's either: A. A liar and user who never had any intention of leaving his wife' for you Or B. A man who would use his life savings to purposefully creste life knowing he was going to leave that child and his mother for you. Which one is he? And why is either one even worthy of your love? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 jenniferny, Another BS here, weighing in with my 2 penneth... My exH cheated on me. We had no kids and I was working f/t as a healthcare professional (and actually earning more than he did). There was no reason on God's green earth that he couldn't have left and gone to his AP, who he claimed to love if he had wanted to. I earned enough money to support myself and buy a property - which I did do after the divorce. It was me who instigated the divorce and asked him to leave. Four years later they married after she got pregnant. Now if you think that was an accident then you must believe in the toothfairy as well Your MM had had a DD ( according to him) has moved beyond that and is having a baby with his wife. What else has to happen before you realise you're on a hiding to nothing here ? How many times people will have to tell you he's not leaving before you believe it?? People who want to leave, leave - end of. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 I don't even know where to begin with this post. We have so much back story. Feel free to skim through my other thread if you want. It's been 4 years of ok again off again affair with MM. I have broken it off with him a dozen times but he keeps coming back. He swears that he loves me and can't live without me. And promises that we will be together one day. I've been waiting for what seems like forever and it's killing me! I have tried dating other guys and it doesn't work. I'm not even remotely interested in anyone else. I told him last month that it was either me or her. He had to make his choice and I basically wanted all or nothing. He told me he wanted me but to just give him a little bit more time. After that, I broke down and said I was done. We went NC for a whole month. The longest we've gone without some kind of contact. But he messaged me Friday. He didn't say much. The message just said "I miss you like crazy. I want to see you".. I stared at it for pretty much the whole weekend, thinking what to say or do. I finally messaged him back but only said I miss you too. I want to see him too but every time we part ways it's like I'm losing him over and over again. I don't know what's worse, being with him and still being alone, or not being with him and being even more alone. I can honestly say that there is no greater feeling of rejection then this. He says he loves me but then doesn't choose me. He says he doesn't love his wife. But yet he stays.... No. The answer to your question. You need to block this OM if you really want NC. If not he will always push your buttons. You want him out of your life tell his BW. He will be to busy putting out fires he will not have the time to come after you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 You've been hanging around in the shadows of their family for years, like the Grim Reaper, waiting for their marriage to die. It's a bit creepy. Maybe stop doing that. Agreed. Jennifer This man has a little family, why would you want to be any part of potentially ruining this little boy's life? Yes, his father is an a$$ for chasing you like a dog, but YOU need to do some soul searching and realise this is no joke or triviality. Innocent people will get seriously hurt here and for what? Sex. Sex is what it all boils down to. He wants sex and he will say or do anything to get it. Walk away. Plenty other guys around who don't tell lies all the time and who are faithful and who are pretty good at sex too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Agreed. Jennifer This man has a little family, why would you want to be any part of potentially ruining this little boy's life?. Exactly. He doesn't have any personal integrity, but that doesn't mean that you can't have integrity and self-respect. Walk away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 I think you need to take a really deep look and tefle Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 I think you need to take a really deep look and reflect on why you find a man so attractive, who cheats on his wife while going through the stress of IVF to have a baby and create a family. If he ever divorced her, why would you trust him, when you know what he's capable of doing? He attends medical consultations, produces samples, listens as the Dr. says how many eggs will be used, listens to the odds of conception and the chances of the embryo dissolving in his wife's uterus .... and all the while he is having sex with you on the side. What kind of man with an ounce of decency does that? This isn't about him. It's about why you allow him to treat you this way. And why you think he'll treat you any better if you end up with him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted December 12, 2016 Author Share Posted December 12, 2016 (edited) This isn't about him. It's about why you allow him to treat you this way. And why you think he'll treat you any better if you end up with him. Because I honestly love him and wanted him to love me. I waited for years to have him say he loved me back and when he did it blinded me and that's all I could see or hear. I couldn't hear all the other things screaming in my ears because I didn't want to. But I can't do it anymore. I have to stop letting him hurt me. It hurts so much though. I don't want that little boy to grow up in a broken home but his dad is a scumbag. I can't change that. Believe me I've tried. I'm 32 and I've only been with 3 men sexually. Dated a few more though lol it's not just about sex for me. I love making love to him don't get me wrong. But it's deeper than that. It's so much deeper. Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 OP, you deserve more than you are getting. Love is an action, its more tham words. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 But it's deeper than that. It's so much deeper. For you... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 (edited) Because I honestly love him and wanted him to love me. I waited for years to have him say he loved me back and when he did it blinded me and that's all I could see or hear. I couldn't hear all the other things screaming in my ears because I didn't want to. But I can't do it anymore. I have to stop letting him hurt me. It hurts so much though. I don't want that little boy to grow up in a broken home but his dad is a scumbag. I can't change that. Believe me I've tried. I'm 32 and I've only been with 3 men sexually. Dated a few more though lol it's not just about sex for me. I love making love to him don't get me wrong. But it's deeper than that. It's so much deeper. Jennifer, I loved my MM. I still think he loved me. But it doesn't matter. He would not choose me. I put my entire life on hold for him. 6 years. I dated other men and compared them to him and they all lost. No real life human can compete with the fantasy we build up around these MM. Your MM isn't this perfect mate. You have built him up and wrapped him with rainbows. It is so easy to believe his lies because you lie for him. You handed him the script and said, "if you say this I will fall further in love with you and believe anything you say". You allow this. Only you can stop it. I finally went NC when the pain of crawling on the floor looking for crumbs became more than the joy of being with him. I finally decided to have a full life. And I finally realized it would never be with him. I hope you stop listening to his words and only look at his actions. His actions tell you that he is where he wants to be and with who he wants to be. Good luck. Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 (edited) Because I honestly love him and wanted him to love me. I waited for years to have him say he loved me back and when he did it blinded me and that's all I could see or hear. I couldn't hear all the other things screaming in my ears because I didn't want to. But I can't do it anymore. I have to stop letting him hurt me. It hurts so much though. I don't want that little boy to grow up in a broken home but his dad is a scumbag. I can't change that. Believe me I've tried. I'm 32 and I've only been with 3 men sexually. Dated a few more though lol it's not just about sex for me. I love making love to him don't get me wrong. But it's deeper than that. It's so much deeper. You're beginning to see him for what he truly is. Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 His actions tell you that he is where he wants to be and with who he wants to be. ^^^ this ✔ NO man goes through the stress, hassle and financial strain of multiple IVF attempts for a woman he wants to leave and run away from. You have to take back the control here and choose life, YOUR life. At the moment you are just wasting the best years of your life hankering after a man who has made it patently clear you are not his number one. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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