Will I ever be his #1?

[BuddyX]

If the song hurts, than why are you listening to it on a loop?

 

There's quote I keep repeating in regards to closure. The last line says it all; "You keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're still in hell"

 

Start doing some activities that will release endorphins. Working out, rock climbing, dancing, etc.

Edited January 19, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[jennifernyc84]

We're so much alike, him and I. I really felt like he was my other half.

 

The first time we slept together, after he left, I was so happy that I actually cried. I'd been with 2 other guys before that and both experiences didn't even come close.

 

I'm afraid I won't ever get to feel that way again. I felt that if I found that maybe I should hold onto it. Wrong, I know. I've realized that now. But it doesn't make it any easier.

[jennifernyc84]

If the song hurts, than why are you listening to it on a loop?

 

There's quote I keep repeating in regards to closure. The last line says it all; "You keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're still in hell"

 

Start doing some activities that will release endorphins. Working out, rock climbing, dancing, etc.

 

I don't know. It has so many good memories linked to it. It hurts, but when I hear it, it still feels like I'm there in that moment.

 

There's one line in the song that goes when you're cold

I'll be there, to hold you tight,

and when you're low

I'll be there by your side

 

And I remember him telling me these words. He didn't deliver, but still. I believed him at the time.

 

I told my mom that I was having a bad couple days. She said she'd come over this weekend to spend some time with me. Maybe that's what I need.

[Poppy47]

If you believe you can do something, you can. If you believe you can't then you can't.

 

Poppy.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I don't know. It has so many good memories linked to it. It hurts, but when I hear it, it still feels like I'm there in that moment.

 

There's one line in the song that goes when you're cold

I'll be there, to hold you tight,

and when you're low

I'll be there by your side

 

And I remember him telling me these words. He didn't deliver, but still. I believed him at the time.

 

I told my mom that I was having a bad couple days. She said she'd come over this weekend to spend some time with me. Maybe that's what I need.

 

Sade.

 

Jen - it's just a song. Just a song. Nothing more.

[jennifernyc84]

Sade.

 

Jen - it's just a song. Just a song. Nothing more.

 

You're right.

 

I heard it today at work and it broke me inside. I couldn't cope. It was so overwhelming. Then I got home and I listened to it over and over. And I realized I was crying less and less. And when I played it for the last time, I didn't cry at all. It is just a song, and it's not about Josh and me. It's a random song. It can't hurt me.

 

Thank you for this post.

 

Sometimes you need small, simple reminders, like this.

[HeCantBreakMe]

You're right.

 

I heard it today at work and it broke me inside. I couldn't cope. It was so overwhelming. Then I got home and I listened to it over and over. And I realized I was crying less and less. And when I played it for the last time, I didn't cry at all. It is just a song, and it's not about Josh and me. It's a random song. It can't hurt me.

 

Thank you for this post.

 

Sometimes you need small, simple reminders, like this.

 

No it cannot hurt you. You do not have to hate Josh but you really do need to start viewing him through a lense not clouded by emotions.

 

All of your posts talk about him as this amazing guy - shoot he could be in a romance novel the way you describe him. But you know deep down he isn't that amazing - or he wouldn't have strung you and his wife along for the self-entitled ride for that many years. His character and morals are weak as is the way he views women. He may be a looker and be funny but the truth of who he is - when the layers are peeled back - is not pretty.

 

I think the strong person you can become due to all of this, if you put the work in on yourself, is someone who is going places and has a lot to offer- just remember that.

[jennifernyc84]

I was going to wait until morning to post this (isn't it morning now though?) but I couldn't wait.

 

I went out with my friends for drinks and the guy from work who asksed me out was there. He bought me drinks all night and he ended up taking me back home. He just left and it was amazing.

 

Honestly I don't care if I never hear from him ever again it was just so awesome being with someone and not hate myself after. I told him about my horrible break up and that I'm not wanting to have anything serious. It seems like that was right up his alley.

 

I am not ever the type to sleep around but F*** it. I was drunk and figured what the hell

 

I think this is a great big step for me and I am excited about my life for the first time in a long time

[Poppy47]

You are right Jen. Nothing hanging to the encounter. If you had fun, that's good.

 

Been there and done that a few times, minus the drunk bit, and hated myself for it down the track. I'm not wired for it.

 

WArm Wishes,

 

Poppy.

[jennifernyc84]

Ok, so Saturday and Sunday were "high" days. As high as they could've been I guess. It's got me fearing the onset of the "low" ones again. Triggers, I guess you can call them. I don't know.

 

Any tips on how to avoid them? I know they're normal and it's part of the process but it's so overwhelming to feel the extremes. It's exausting to be honest.

 

my mom was here for 2 days and just left a few hours ago. I have talked to the guy from Friday online a little and he also texted me about an hour ago. It wasn't a booty call lol he sent me a link to a video we were talking about earlier that day. Im not at all interested in him and I told him that (in so many words) but I feel like he's a bit sticky. May need to be a little more blunt

[imsosad]

Jen,you can't avoid the lows. Don't be so afraid to be in touch with your feelings. If you divert, deny and distract your way through this, you will not truely grow, you will not learn all you can from this experience.

The only way around is through.

Being sad won't kill you.

Instead of trying to avoid, try to prepare. Feeling sad does not mean you break nc. It just means you're sad and need to push through.

It is time to grow up, these are your growing pains.

[jennifernyc84]

God I really wanted to be with him. I didn't think it'd end this way. Sometimes I feel like I have the closure that I need, then other times I want to call him and explode. Sadness and anger are fighting for top emotion.

 

Another appointment with the therapist today. We shall see how it goes.

[jacxie]

Hello,

 

I've been away for a while, what did I miss?

[whichwayisup]

God I really wanted to be with him. I didn't think it'd end this way. Sometimes I feel like I have the closure that I need, then other times I want to call him and explode. Sadness and anger are fighting for top emotion.

 

Another appointment with the therapist today. We shall see how it goes.

 

Put that anger out on a punching bag! Or your pillow. Paper and pen, write him letters then burn them.

[jennifernyc84]

Hello,

 

I've been away for a while, what did I miss?

 

Hey, Jacxie!

 

I was thinking of you the other day. Hope you're doing well.

 

You haven't missed much. He and his wife are apart right now. Not too sure what has happened as I am currently on 22 days NC!!

 

Just going through the ups and downs. I'm sure you know what I mean.

 

How are things going with you?

[jacxie]

Hey, Jacxie!

 

I was thinking of you the other day. Hope you're doing well.

 

You haven't missed much. He and his wife are apart right now. Not too sure what has happened as I am currently on 22 days NC!!

 

Just going through the ups and downs. I'm sure you know what I mean.

 

How are things going with you?

 

Awh, that's nice to hear. And I'm doing well, thank you.

 

Ahhh, they're apart and you keep NC. I take it as an official end. How do you feel about it?

I am currently on NC as well, however we bump into each other sometimes in the city as I haven't moved and he works in my area from time to time. we keep it cool, I don't try to avoid him. I know he's moved out and filled for divorce. I have to admit, I do miss him. I went for a date lately (my bff's advice) and I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I came back home and felt like calling xMM, fortunately, I stayed persistent.

[jennifernyc84]

Awh, that's nice to hear. And I'm doing well, thank you.

 

Ahhh, they're apart and you keep NC. I take it as an official end. How do you feel about it?

I am currently on NC as well, however we bump into each other sometimes in the city as I haven't moved and he works in my area from time to time. we keep it cool, I don't try to avoid him. I know he's moved out and filled for divorce. I have to admit, I do miss him. I went for a date lately (my bff's advice) and I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I came back home and felt like calling xMM, fortunately, I stayed persistent.

 

Well, see, the thing is, I broke up with him, he chased me down for weeks trying to make amends, finally on dec 30th, I gave him a chance. We met up, had a really good talk, we ended up sleeping together, then just 2 days later, he calls me on New Year's Day telling me his resolution was to drop his feelings for me and to fix his marriage. Can you believe that?!

 

Anyway, she ended up leaving a few days later. He emailed me saying that he wanted to be friends but I told him I didn't want that.

 

I'm so mad at him it's driving me nuts! But also very hurt and broken at the same time.

 

But I did kinda go out with a guy, too. Just this passed Friday. My first date in over 4 years!!

[ShatteredLady]

Hey, Jacxie!

 

I was thinking of you the other day. Hope you're doing well.

 

You haven't missed much. He and his wife are apart right now. Not too sure what has happened as I am currently on 22 days NC!!

 

Just going through the ups and downs. I'm sure you know what I mean.

 

How are things going with you?

 

 

Talking of "ups & downs" could Mr Sticky be a fun distraction for a while? (Sorry, I'm not good at inuendo humor!)

 

We're all bias from life experiences. 2 of my friends are now married to the best friends of the 'get over heart break guy' who they had flings with after loss. The "fun distraction" guys eventually became good friends & introduced them to their now husband's!!

 

You never know where life will lead you. You know that you don't want to back track so why not go with the flow & see where life takes you?

 

Triggers suck. I have no idea how to get over those. They do get less severe over time...then a big one comes & knocks you on your bum again!...the recovery time does get shorter each time though.

 

Best wishes.

[jennifernyc84]

Talking of "ups & downs" could Mr Sticky be a fun distraction for a while? (Sorry, I'm not good at inuendo humor!)

 

We're all bias from life experiences. 2 of my friends are now married to the best friends of the 'get over heart break guy' who they had flings with after loss. The "fun distraction" guys eventually became good friends & introduced them to their now husband's!!

 

You never know where life will lead you. You know that you don't want to back track so why not go with the flow & see where life takes you?

 

Triggers suck. I have no idea how to get over those. They do get less severe over time...then a big one comes & knocks you on your bum again!...the recovery time does get shorter each time though.

 

Best wishes.

 

 

Yeah, I'm just enjoying talking to someone right now. I like him, but told him I'm not looking for anything serious. He seems to be ok with that but I think he likes me a little more than I like him. I'm not ok with hurting him just for my selfish pleasure. Unlike some people I know (aka Josh). For that reason, I may need to drop some more obvious hints.

[Poppy47]

Jen,

Men don't get hints.

 

They don't think in "hints". You will have to say exactly what you mean and make sure he understands.

 

Poppy.

[jennifernyc84]

I heard through the grape vine that there was a retirement party for Joshs dad. He retired from his position and promoted Josh to CEO of his New York City branch. Out of curiosity, I checked the company website and sure enough, there's a big picture of Josh with his shiny new title underneath it. I'm so happy and extremely proud of him. I'd love nothing more than to call him and congratulate him. His wife isn't around. Maybe a text. I'm really missing him right now and would love to hear his voice right now.

[Poppy47]

I heard through the grape vine that there was a retirement party for Joshs dad. He retired from his position and promoted Josh to CEO of his New York City branch. Out of curiosity, I checked the company website and sure enough, there's a big picture of Josh with his shiny new title underneath it. I'm so happy and extremely proud of him. I'd love nothing more than to call him and congratulate him. His wife isn't around. Maybe a text. I'm really missing him right now and would love to hear his voice right now.

 

Why are you proud of him? He inherited the position and you had nothing to do with it.

You are not serious about getting out of the A. I am out of this thread. I have never left a thread before, but you are still going after him.

 

 

Poppy.

[whichwayisup]

I heard through the grape vine that there was a retirement party for Joshs dad. He retired from his position and promoted Josh to CEO of his New York City branch. Out of curiosity, I checked the company website and sure enough, there's a big picture of Josh with his shiny new title underneath it. I'm so happy and extremely proud of him. I'd love nothing more than to call him and congratulate him. His wife isn't around. Maybe a text. I'm really missing him right now and would love to hear his voice right now.

 

Stop it right now! That thinking is going to get you into trouble. He is NOT a friend and isn't a part of your life anymore. If you reach out (really hope you didn't) you'll regret it and it'll set you back.

 

NC means being actively doing NC online too. NO googling, snooping etc.

[jennifernyc84]

I haven't called, texted, or emailed him. That does not mean that I don't want to, though. I know I need to get him out of my head but he's all I think about. I'm trying really, really hard. I miss him so much. And when I think that I'll never see or talk to him again, it makes me miss him more and it freaks me out.

 

The therapist I've been seeing says my love for him is mostly a strong tie to my past. Kind of like Peter Pan syndrome. It's a part of me not wanting grow up. I guess I believe that to an extent. But I'm a happy adult. I love my jobs. I love my apartment. I love living in the city that I dreamed of living in since I was 14. I love my friends.

 

I had a great childhood, but I don't feel like I'm clinging to it, or afraid of being an adult. I think I've done a good job in adulthood so far.

[jennifernyc84]

Ok..My moment of insanity has passed. I got caught up in his promotion and was seeing him with those rose colored glasses again. I said before, I'm not after his money. Never have been. I loved him before I even knew he had it. That being said, I will admit the title CEO was a major turn on for me.

 

Ok, done. Don't shun me yet! I will get over him. It was a temporary lapse of emotion. Won't happen again.