Will I ever be his #1?

[Bittersweetie]

NC means being actively doing NC online too. NO googling, snooping etc.

 

Just want to repeat the above. Looking something up regarding xAP online is not NC. Because look what happened...you got sucked back in, even if it was briefly. You had the rose-colored glasses, you wanted to reach out, etc.

 

NC means no contact in any way, shape, or form. GL.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I haven't called, texted, or emailed him. That does not mean that I don't want to, though. I know I need to get him out of my head but he's all I think about. I'm trying really, really hard. I miss him so much. And when I think that I'll never see or talk to him again, it makes me miss him more and it freaks me out.

 

Jen, one of the main reasons I went back into the A after each break up was b/c the thought of never seeing him again was causing unbearable pain for me. I couldn't accept it and live with not seeing him ever again. I thought about it a lot trying to figure out why I felt that way. Admitting to myself that I lost my way, I lost who I was in the A, I lost that feeling of being content with myself was when I realized I wanted out.

 

When he got in touch in Nov 2016, 3 months after the break-up and started pushing really hard and not giving up on getting back together, I panicked. I had a real, serious panic/anxiety attack. I could not get back into the A. The fear of hiding and loosing myself again was greater than fear of never ever seeing him again. In hindsight, that almost looks like the turning point for me. Felt like that was the point when I really started to heal.

 

I tend to believe NC was the main thing that got me there. And, I'm by no means perfect when it comes to maintaining it. Far from it. I had my weakest, darkest moments when I reached out and broke it, and got right back into the A.

 

Now, I just don't have much to say to him. Do I wonder where and how he is? Yes. Do I still think of him? Yes, more often than I want to. Do I miss him? I do. But, missing him now no longer hurts as much as before and comes together with pretty vivid memories of how much I missed him while being in the A...and, ohh boy I missed him much more than I do now.

Edited January 25, 2017 by Onlywhenitrains

[HeCantBreakMe]

Ok..My moment of insanity has passed. I got caught up in his promotion and was seeing him with those rose colored glasses again. I said before, I'm not after his money. Never have been. I loved him before I even knew he had it. That being said, I will admit the title CEO was a major turn on for me.

 

Ok, done. Don't shun me yet! I will get over him. It was a temporary lapse of emotion. Won't happen again.

 

It is better to have those lapses here than anywhere else. It is okay to hurt but I think what people want is for you to stop painting him in golden light and start seeing him for the player he is but honestly this truly does take time. The more you get away from him the clearer your head will be.

 

I still believe in you Jenn i really do.