Will I ever be his #1?

[HeCantBreakMe]

Because I honestly love him and wanted him to love me. I waited for years to have him say he loved me back and when he did it blinded me and that's all I could see or hear. I couldn't hear all the other things screaming in my ears because I didn't want to.

 

But I can't do it anymore. I have to stop letting him hurt me. It hurts so much though. I don't want that little boy to grow up in a broken home but his dad is a scumbag. I can't change that. Believe me I've tried.

 

I'm 32 and I've only been with 3 men sexually. Dated a few more though lol it's not just about sex for me. I love making love to him don't get me wrong. But it's deeper than that. It's so much deeper.

 

You sound like someone who fell in love with the wrong man.

 

It happens but you do not have to continue being in love with this man. You can choose to give that love to someone deserving of it.

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

[freengreen]

The only thing I remember in 2015 was the high 1 month and painful 5 months. He came back, now in 2016, its EXACTLY the same... all i remember is high 1 month and paining ongoing 4 months. We were talkedonly for 8 months through 2 years.

 

When I try remember hard, there are so many other times i laughed with my kids my husband and family but this pain flashes quicker than all of that. Lord its not worth. I aint repeating this one more year. Those few months of cpntact is gobbling up my whole year!!

 

Wake up. Please.

[sandylee1]

Because I honestly love him and wanted him to love me. I waited for years to have him say he loved me back and when he did it blinded me and that's all I could see or hear. I couldn't hear all the other things screaming in my ears because I didn't want to.

 

But I can't do it anymore. I have to stop letting him hurt me. It hurts so much though. I don't want that little boy to grow up in a broken home but his dad is a scumbag. I can't change that. Believe me I've tried.

 

.

 

You can't make him be a better man or father.

 

He's not even able to say she fell pregnant by accident. This baby was planned and wanted. And if he wasn't on board, he's got a strange way of showing it.

 

7 like one MM who was 'actively' planning a baby with the OW. She came off birth control pills, yet he was pretending to ejaculate inside her. Faking an orgasm. She was besides herself, thinking she had fertility problems. That's how far a man goes when he doesn't want a baby.

 

Your MM wanted this child and he wanted it with his wife. He knows you adore him and you're an option., but he choose to be with her.

 

Sometimes when people are in infatuated, they only see the good and ignore the raging red flags that tell you the person is no good.

 

You deserve better. You just need to remind yourself that.

[CommittedToThis]

He's cheating on his wife, and he's likely cheating on you, too.

 

He's a cake-eater and you're Betty Crocker.

[jennifernyc84]

He's cheating on his wife, and he's likely cheating on you, too.

 

He's a cake-eater and you're Betty Crocker.

 

Well this kitchen is closed.

 

I'm done giving in to him. It's either me hurting, or me hurting. It's a lose, lose. So I'd rather hurt and be on the mend than having him rip my heart out over and over.

 

You guys can quote me on it. I am D O N E. done.

[imsosad]

Well this kitchen is closed.

 

I'm done giving in to him. It's either me hurting, or me hurting. It's a lose, lose. So I'd rather hurt and be on the mend than having him rip my heart out over and over.

 

You guys can quote me on it. I am D O N E. done.

 

Good for you. You are doing right by yourself. It won't be easy, but worth it. There is something to look.forward too,.a better future. Carrying on with him is just more of the same. Best of luck, keep posting, you can recieve a lot of support here. If you get an urge to speak to him, post here instead.

[CommittedToThis]

It's either me hurting, or me hurting.

 

Hey you,

 

What you're expressing above is what's known as a "double-bind." People with Cluster B personality traits often employ this tactic to keep their supply intact and confused.

 

Trust me from someone's who's been there -- you are undoubtedly and undeniably making the right decision to RUN AWAY and end it now.

 

It's time to frost this cake.

 

Now you have a tangible tool in your arsenal: if you ever find yourself in another double-bind, you'll be able to recognize it as a manipulation technique and get yourself out of there.

 

"And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right/there must be 50 ways to leave your lover."

 

You go woman! Proud of you!

[jacxie]

Wow! Thank you for your time. I'm sorry about what you're going through I know exactly how you're feeling. It is such a crappy situation to be in having the one person that means the world to you lie to you.

 

For a while, I stopped trusting people in general.

 

Truthfully, I don't know how strong I will be. I turned him down now, but will I be strong enough next time?

 

Does anyone here actually have a happy ending story?

 

How did we end up here?

 

You have to be strong ALWAYS, there's so many single, amazing men, probably even better than your or mine xMM. They are not that perfect as we think, we idealize those guys and affairs a lot.

 

There are some happy ending stories, but that married men don't lie and they chose. If he won't leave after 6 months or 1 year - he will never do.

[wmacbride]

Well this kitchen is closed.

 

I'm done giving in to him. It's either me hurting, or me hurting. It's a lose, lose. So I'd rather hurt and be on the mend than having him rip my heart out over and over.

 

You guys can quote me on it. I am D O N E. done.

 

Good.

 

Once you take control of your life,you can stop yourself from being hurt. Hopefully,the next tome you happen to see him,things in your life will be going so well and you'll be bale to look at him and wonder what you ever saw in him.

[jennifernyc84]

It feels empty without him. I always hate "off again" times, but this feels different. Like it's really off for good. Not gonna lie, I don't like it.

 

I feel like a part of myself has died with the relationship and I don't like how that feels. He is such a big part of who I am.

 

Like imagine you're a child. You're biggest dream of dreams is to be a ballerina, or in the case of a guy, a football player, or whatever your dream is. An artist, a musician, an actor, a clown...whatever. And you dream of becoming that for so long, then one day, someone comes and says you can never be what you want to be. No matter how bad you want it, you're just not good enough to be whatever is you wanted to become. You'd feel lost. Like you didn't even know how to be anything else.

 

It's heartwrenching.

[DKT3]

It feels empty without him. I always hate "off again" times, but this feels different. Like it's really off for good. Not gonna lie, I don't like it.

 

I feel like a part of myself has died with the relationship and I don't like how that feels. He is such a big part of who I am.

 

Like imagine you're a child. You're biggest dream of dreams is to be a ballerina, or in the case of a guy, a football player, or whatever your dream is. An artist, a musician, an actor, a clown...whatever. And you dream of becoming that for so long, then one day, someone comes and says you can never be what you want to be. No matter how bad you want it, you're just not good enough to be whatever is you wanted to become. You'd feel lost. Like you didn't even know how to be anything else.

 

It's heartwrenching.

That happens to everyone at some point...then you move on to the next thing, often it makes you forget why you wanted the first thing to start with.

 

We can move one a thrive or stay still and die, easy choice right.

[Satu]

snip

It's heartwrenching.

 

“I gave him my heart, and he took and pinched it to death; and flung it back to me.”

 

― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

[jennifernyc84]

That happens to everyone at some point...then you move on to the next thing, often it makes you forget why you wanted the first thing to start with.

 

We can move one a thrive or stay still and die, easy choice right.

 

Seems like it, right? Easier said than done.

 

I know the right thing to do. It's not fun doing it though.

[CommittedToThis]

He is such a big part of who I am.

 

Correction: WAS.

 

In my opinion, right now what you need is some alone time. Time to think, time to process the painful emotions, recognize them for what they are (ie. illusions or expectations not being met), accept them as normal, then move on.

 

I think right now you could use some self-love. Listen, forget about other men for the meantime. They'll always be there. The lesson, the reason, you've gone thru all of this pain and confusion is because YOU NEEDED TO LEARN TO SELF-LOVE.

 

It's time to look yourself in the mirror and, out loud, say your full name and that you love yourself, you are true to yourself, and you'll always be there to handle anything life throws at you. Tell yourself you are worthy of the best and that you're worth waiting for, and that you respect yourself enough not to fall for this crap anymore.

 

You're better and smarter than that and now you have no excuse; you've gone thru the b.s. and, if you're truly ready, now is your opportunity to put yourself first and to put your lessons to the test.

 

This will take awhile, but so did your former relationship. You owe yourself at least as much time to work on yourself as you gave to the failed relationship.

 

I speak from experience. I do the "self love" thing every day. I've been single 16 months (left a 10 year r/s with a Cluster B woman) and only in the last three have I been dating and sleeping with women. I'm in a cool place right now and I love it. I am putting myself first, then going after women whenever the urge strikes, and attracting them because I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I'm good with myself, I don't NEED a woman.

 

It's working out nicely.

 

I wish you all the best; it gets better. MUCH better! But you have to want it.

Edited December 12, 2016 by CommittedToThis

[jennifernyc84]

Correction: WAS.

 

In my opinion, right now what you need is some alone time. Time to think, time to process the painful emotions, recognize them for what they are (ie. illusions or expectations not being met), accept them as normal, then move on.

 

I think right now you could use some self-love. Listen, forget about other men for the meantime. They'll always be there. The lesson, the reason, you've gone thru all of this pain and confusion is because YOU NEEDED TO LEARN TO SELF-LOVE.

 

It's time to look yourself in the mirror and, out loud, say your full name and that you love yourself, you are true to yourself, and you'll always be there to handle anything life throws at you. Tell yourself you are worthy of the best and that you're worth waiting for, and that you respect yourself enough not to fall for this crap anymore.

 

You're better and smarter than that and now you have no excuse; you've gone thru the b.s. and, if you're truly ready, now is your opportunity to put yourself first and to put your lessons to the test.

 

This will take awhile, but so did your former relationship. You owe yourself at least as much time to work on yourself as you gave to the failed relationship.

 

I speak from experience. I do the "self love" thing every day. I've been single 16 months (left a 10 year r/s with a Cluster B woman) and only in the last three have I been dating and sleeping with women. I'm in a cool place right now and I love it. I am putting myself first, then going after women whenever the urge strikes, and attracting them because I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I'm good with myself, I don't NEED a woman.

 

It's working out nicely.

 

I wish you all the best; it gets better. MUCH better! But you have to want it.

 

 

Actually think I need to STOP thinking so much. But I get what you mean. Me time sounds like exactly what I need.

 

You guys are so helpful, you don't even know how greatful I am. It's not like I can confide in anyone else about this. I mean, he has a family. This can't get out.

 

Thank you guys for all the support.

 

Feeling a little stronger.

[Marc878]

Actually think I need to STOP thinking so much. But I get what you mean. Me time sounds like exactly what I need.

 

You guys are so helpful, you don't even know how greatful I am. It's not like I can confide in anyone else about this. I mean, he has a family. This can't get out.

 

Thank you guys for all the support.

 

Feeling a little stronger.

 

Give it some time. As you look back when you're out of the emotional phase you'll see what we see. You're young but life goes quickly. Don't waste anymore of your life on this.

 

Put your time and effort into having something of your own. There are men out there who will cherish you and not do what OM is doing.

 

Good luck to you

[jennifernyc84]

I wish he didn't massage me the other day because it totally threw me for a loop. I was doing a lot better after a month of NC.

 

I got home around an hour and a half ago, had a quick dinner, and now beginning to feel sad again. The easy thing would be to text him. Apologize for ignoring him and get back on his good side. But I'll do the harder thing and continue ignoring him.

[CommittedToThis]

I wish he didn't massage me the other day because it totally threw me for a loop. I was doing a lot better after a month of NC.

 

I got home around an hour and a half ago, had a quick dinner, and now beginning to feel sad again. The easy thing would be to text him. Apologize for ignoring him and get back on his good side. But I'll do the harder thing and continue ignoring him.

 

Hang in there and be strong. Simply deny him supply. Supply meaning any response or reaction from you.

 

Is there anything interesting to read? Watch? Take a hot bath with teabags over your eyes? A walk around the block (if you feel it's safe)? Tackle a minor project you've been meaning to do?

 

You have a wonderful life of your own with lots of things to take the sad things off of your mind. You know this isn't working out, so remember with every passing day it gets better, especially when you keep busy.

 

[beautiful_day]

My ex husband's other woman was in a similar position to you. I think she waited for about 8 years, until I threw him out, and made all her dreams come true.

 

Just like in your story, there was a discovery day, and then years of false reconciliation, until I finally discovered that they had never stopped seeing each other and then threw him out. I'm certain he kept her as a back up for the inevitable day when I could no longer stand the sight of him, and showed him the door. And sure enough she welcomed him with open arms and gave his sorry homeless arse a roof over his head.

 

From their messages to each other, I can see how he swung between us ... when I was giving him a hard time, he turned the full beams of his charm on her, and my god she danced for him. When they argued, he was charm itself with me.

 

Once I found out what had been going on, the penny very quickly dropped that I was the unwitting party to this pretty little dance. I said to him, "So what is this? The sweetest and nicest wins? I don't think so. I'm not playing that game. I'm done!" As soon as I knew the truth, out he went. I bet he was glad he kept up the charm with her, or he would have been sleeping in his car. He wasn't setting foot in my house again!

 

Sorry, I'm rambling. But I suspect he is charming you, not for sex, but as an insurance policy. Because if his sweet wife finds out who he really is, there's a good chance he's going to be homeless and on the hook for child support. And there you will be, dancing for all you are worth, and more than ready to pick up the pieces for him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

He is addicted to you and he will not let you out of his life without a fight. .

 

Yeah, Until his wife finds out. Then he will be gone like yesterday's news. He will do a 180 on you and you will learn how the OW means nothing in most situations.

 

It's all a bunch of BS while the wife is in the dark. Clue her in and see the real man.

 

BTW, it takes a special kind of guy to have an affair before, during and after the first born.

 

You don't want this guy, you will realize that in a year.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Yeah, Until his wife finds out. Then he will be gone like yesterday's news. He will do a 180 on you and you will learn how the OW means nothing in most situations.

 

It's all a bunch of BS while the wife is in the dark. Clue her in and see the real man.

 

BTW, it takes a special kind of guy to have an affair before, during and after the first born.

 

You don't want this guy, you will realize that in a year.

 

I do wish his wife knew in my case, I really do. I just cant be the one to tell her.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I do wish his wife knew in my case, I really do. I just cant be the one to tell her.

 

She will know when she is ready to know the truth.

[HeCantBreakMe]

She will know when she is ready to know the truth.

 

Yes, she will. Or when he cheats again and gets caught. Either way it will come around to bite him.

[Tayla]

Get a different phone number.

 

Re-evaluate a five year plan for yourself. Then set about doing the right thing.

[jennifernyc84]

I couldn't help but feel like he really did love me though.

 

I remember once, around a year or a year and a half ago, we were talking. I don't even remember about what, and he was saying something along the lines of "oh, well, when we have kids.." meaning him and I. And I remember asking him if he really thought we'd have kids together. And he said of course we would.

 

And that's when I first felt loved by a man. No man had ever talked to me about having kids before. I could see my future with him, right at that moment.

 

Ha. Silly me, right?

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a billion times, shame on me.