Will I ever be his #1?

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer, we get it. The other day I slept with a tech manual my MM sent me recently. I'm doing NC. It sucks.

 

Yes it is an addiction. And you have to treat it as such.

 

But every day I tell myself this is better for me. And every day it gets a very tiny bit better. I remind myself that in time I will heal.

 

You will too.

[beautifulinside2]

Well this kitchen is closed.

 

I'm done giving in to him. It's either me hurting, or me hurting. It's a lose, lose. So I'd rather hurt and be on the mend than having him rip my heart out over and over.

 

You guys can quote me on it. I am D O N E. done.

 

The best thing is that you want to be done, even if you backslide a little, eventually your heart will catch up to your mind. Do you want your own kids and family? One day after you leave this loser behind, you will find Mr. Right and wish you would have left him a long time ago. You are wasting your own opportunities at finding your Mr Right, by chasing Mr Right Now, Mr Not Right Now, and Mr. Not Right for anybody because he is scum. You have known this guy since you were a child and you can't see that he is a manipulative excuse of a man? Really? Life is too short, people say it all the time but if you keep chasing him you will be a living example.

[whichwayisup]

But I do keep falling. I can tell myself I won't let it happen again and I always end up right back where I was again. I don't plan it. It just happens.

 

No it doesn't just happen, you chose for it to happen. You are weak when it comes to him so the only way to stay strong and gain self respect, self love is to block him, change your number and email if need be. This man is toxic for you and it seems like you're just not fed up enough to actually stay away from him. You have total control over your life, not him.

[whichwayisup]

I've already promised myself that I wouldn't break NC. I have no plans on doing so. I've blocked him everywhere that I can. All of social media, I've blocked all his emails, I've even blocked his number out of my phone. I changed my number also and made my number unlisted. The lady at the phone company wanted to charge me $20 to do that, but I told her I was trying to cut off a bad ex and she said she could sympathize so well, she waived the fee lol maybe the relationship did have some perks lol

 

I'm just saying, I may sound like I'm weakening but I'm not. Yes, I've cried more over him than I care to admit. yes, I miss him. Yes, if he does wind up leaving her, I'd be first in line to fill the new opened position. BUT... I think (I hope) I've learned my lesson.

 

Oh but I do have a confession...

 

I have an old voicemail. From him. It was a good message. A happy one. He sounds so upbeat and happy and you can hear the smile in his voice. And at the end he says I love you more than you know.

 

I've listened to it a few times in the passed few days.

 

Ok..I feel better for saying it! I felt like I was hiding something from you guys lol

 

Delete it. If you truly plan on grieving the loss and since you've done so much by blocking him, delete the VM. All that does is keep what you feel for him alive.

 

You probably will always love him but that doesn't mean he's the right one, let alone 'the one' for you.

 

You're worth more than an affair.

[aileD]

Back to the addiction analogy :

 

Keepin that voicemail is like keeping a bag of heroin in your pocket....it's a temptation

 

Get rid of it. I know it's hard because it admitting to yourself this is really over. But....it's really over. Purge. Free yourself

[jennifernyc84]

You guys are a tough bunch! Keeping me on a short leash here.

 

I did delete it though. I listened to it one more time, pretended I was actually speaking to him. I called him a lying, cheating, piece of you know what. Then I deleted it. I cried a little....or a lot. It doesn't really matter.

 

But it's gone. as of right now, I have nothing left to remind me of him. Except my broken heart.

[whichwayisup]

You guys are a tough bunch! Keeping me on a short leash here.

 

I did delete it though. I listened to it one more time, pretended I was actually speaking to him. I called him a lying, cheating, piece of you know what. Then I deleted it. I cried a little....or a lot. It doesn't really matter.

 

But it's gone. as of right now, I have nothing left to remind me of him. Except my broken heart.

 

Be proud of yourself. What you just did was set yourself free. It's okay to cry as much as you need to. The pain is FINAL, because it's over. You can and will heal from this.

 

Post as much as you want and do reach out to your trusted friends who can help support you and make you smile and laugh when you need it.

[sandylee1]

You guys are a tough bunch! Keeping me on a short leash here.

 

I did delete it though. I listened to it one more time, pretended I was actually speaking to him. I called him a lying, cheating, piece of you know what. Then I deleted it. I cried a little....or a lot. It doesn't really matter.

 

But it's gone. as of right now, I have nothing left to remind me of him. Except my broken heart.

 

I'm impressed by that. Well done.

[aileD]

You guys are a tough bunch! Keeping me on a short leash here.

 

I did delete it though. I listened to it one more time, pretended I was actually speaking to him. I called him a lying, cheating, piece of you know what. Then I deleted it. I cried a little....or a lot. It doesn't really matter.

 

But it's gone. as of right now, I have nothing left to remind me of him. Except my broken heart.

 

 

Very proud of you. Now you will cry but you'll cry till you can't cry anymore . And then you won't.

 

And then when you're ready you will find someone single willing to give you what you deserve.

[jennifernyc84]

Thanks to all of you. Thanks for the support, thanks for the advice, even though it was difficult to hear at time. And thanks for making me feel like I'm worth better.

 

I have a small group of girl friends, (I have always gotten better along with guys) and I tried telling them about me and Josh, but they wouldn't understand. They couldn't understand because they'd never been in this situation. They couldn't relate.

 

I'm really sorry I ever got involved with him and this affair. I'm not sorry for the good times we had though. Our childhood,growing up together. That I'm not sorry about. But if I would have let myself like other guys at a younger age I wouldn't be in this predicament.

 

So,..I don't know. Maybe it wasn't for the best.

[BTDT2012]

I feel like I love him. I forget about all the problems when I'm with him. I could just sit in his presence forever.

 

Stop making him your God. Love yourself. You can't truly love yourself and allow him to treat you like ****.

[jennifernyc84]

Not for any specific reason, just feeling lonely.

 

I have a day off from work and wasn't feeling all that well anyway. Think I'm coming down with something.

 

Anyway...

 

My mind won't let me stop thinking of him. I'm trying to push him out, but my mind keeps wandering there.

 

I won't cave in. And there's absolutely no way he can reach me. I miss him a little. Thinking about his voice. I miss it.

 

I gotta push through this one. It's tough

[jacxie]

Not for any specific reason, just feeling lonely.

 

I have a day off from work and wasn't feeling all that well anyway. Think I'm coming down with something.

 

Anyway...

 

My mind won't let me stop thinking of him. I'm trying to push him out, but my mind keeps wandering there.

 

I won't cave in. And there's absolutely no way he can reach me. I miss him a little. Thinking about his voice. I miss it.

 

I gotta push through this one. It's tough

 

Same here ? How to withdraw him from my mind ?

[jennifernyc84]

Same here ? How to withdraw him from my mind ?

 

I wish I knew. But we can't give in.

 

That would be back tracking.

[CommittedToThis]

You and Jacxie sound like a couple of junkies in the first week of rehab.

 

I'm cracking the whip and ordering you both to stop thinking about him and instead think of sprouts, wheatgrass, and castor oil.

 

That's your dinner if you both don't continue to make the effort to DISTRACT YOURSELVES.

 

You can do this, both of you. F**k those guys, seriously. They're the emotional equivalent of ponzi schemers like Bernie Madoff. Stealing from his wife to pay you, and vice versa. No morals. Greedy white male privileged pigs. Using you both, two women who by all accounts appear to be worthy of men who will treat you with nothing less than total respect, regardless.

 

Period, paragraph.

 

As for broken hearts, I've always dug this lyric by Andy Partridge of XTC:

 

"Kid, pick up with another, some will even drop you, but hearts are built like rubber, so you'll be alright. Welcome to the garden of earthly delights."

 

I just gave myself a hug and it's meant in support of you. I know this s**t hurts, I was DYING this time last year.

 

It gets immeasurably better, I promise.

[jacxie]

You and Jacxie sound like a couple of junkies in the first week of rehab.

 

:laugh: this made my day haha

[jennifernyc84]

I'm cracking the whip and ordering you both to stop thinking about him and instead think of sprouts, wheatgrass, and castor oil.

 

This actually made me laugh

[Satu]

Here is a poem for you.

 

 

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

 

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

 

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

 

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

 

 

- Derek Walcott, Love after love.

[CommittedToThis]

Here is a poem for you.

 

Thank you Satu, reading those words had me tearing up. Beautiful but I found it really sad. The way you can throw your own self away like that.

 

I also thank you for sharing your well-earned wisdom so freely, concisely and non-judgmentally here in the Shack. I find the stable presence of people like you comforting.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Here is a poem for you.

 

 

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

 

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

 

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

 

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

 

 

- Derek Walcott, Love after love.

 

It's really something else when you are yourself again.

 

It's a shame that some of us, myself included, lose that so easily. And for what, some attention from a guy? Do we lock ourselves in a cage to prevent it from happening again? That is the "why" when you are a recovering junkie.

 

Sorry to thread jump.

[jennifernyc84]

I'm having a really weak moment. I typed a message to him, stared at at it for 10 minutes, then deleted it.

 

Did that twice.

 

I'm fighting with myself

[LexiCat29]

I'm having a really weak moment. I typed a message to him, stared at at it for 10 minutes, then deleted it.

 

Did that twice.

 

I'm fighting with myself

 

I wouldn't call that a weak moment, I'd call it a strong moment.

[jacxie]

I'm having a really weak moment. I typed a message to him, stared at at it for 10 minutes, then deleted it.

 

Did that twice.

 

I'm fighting with myself

 

Well done for not sending it!!!!

[jennifernyc84]

He just showed up at my door.

 

He knows the doorman so he just let josh up without even telling me he was there. (Need to have a word with the doorman about that. No visitors without calling me first).

 

You can imagine my surprise when my doorbell rang at 9:30pm. I was getting dressed to meet up with some girl friends. I didnt want to leave him in, but he was practically begging.

 

What was I to do? I let him in. We talked a little first, which led to a fight. It got pretty heated. I have this problem. When I get upset, angry, mad, whatever. I cry. I cry at the drop of a hat. So I got so worked up that I began to cry.

 

I knew that would be a bad thing because that would lead to him consoling me. He did. He hugged me and pet my hair. I pushed him away and told him to leave. He did, but he kissed me first. And I kissed him back. I don't know why. In my head, as I was doing it, I was telling myself to stop. But I didn't.

 

Then he left. I feel awful.

 

One month of nothing and now he just walks back in to my life. I knew I should've stopped him but I couldn't.

 

Oh my god I missed kissing him.

[jennifernyc84]

Needless to say I cancelled on the girls.