Will I ever be his #1?

[BuddyX]

You should've went. If they're your real true GF they would've picked you right up.

 

But you need to block him, period.

Stay strong.

[jennifernyc84]

You should've went. If they're your real true GF they would've picked you right up.

 

But you need to block him, period.

Stay strong.

 

I cancelled because he stayed for almost 2 hours. It was already too late to catch them.

 

And I did block him. That's why he showed up. He's still blocked.

[whichwayisup]

He totally knew going to your place, you'd cave. You could have not let him in.

 

Tough lesson learned. Hope next time you don't let him in.

[whichwayisup]

I cancelled because he stayed for almost 2 hours. It was already too late to catch them.

 

And I did block him. That's why he showed up. He's still blocked.

 

You chose NOT to kick him out. You chose to cancel on your friends instead, imagine the powerful feeling you could have had by telling him to get the F out of your place and never to come back.

 

Do you have it in you to do that?

[jennifernyc84]

You chose NOT to kick him out. You chose to cancel on your friends instead, imagine the powerful feeling you could have had by telling him to get the F out of your place and never to come back.

 

Do you have it in you to do that?

 

I thought I did.

 

I didn't think it would come to this.

[aileD]

He just showed up at my door.

 

He knows the doorman so he just let josh up without even telling me he was there. (Need to have a word with the doorman about that. No visitors without calling me first).

 

You can imagine my surprise when my doorbell rang at 9:30pm. I was getting dressed to meet up with some girl friends. I didnt want to leave him in, but he was practically begging.

 

What was I to do? I let him in. We talked a little first, which led to a fight. It got pretty heated. I have this problem. When I get upset, angry, mad, whatever. I cry. I cry at the drop of a hat. So I got so worked up that I began to cry.

 

I knew that would be a bad thing because that would lead to him consoling me. He did. He hugged me and pet my hair. I pushed him away and told him to leave. He did, but he kissed me first. And I kissed him back. I don't know why. In my head, as I was doing it, I was telling myself to stop. But I didn't.

 

Then he left. I feel awful.

 

One month of nothing and now he just walks back in to my life. I knew I should've stopped him but I couldn't.

 

Oh my god I missed kissing him.

 

What a manipulator! Can you see it? If you read your post and pretend it's not you and Josh but two strangers in the same situation.

 

He totally just played you. You think it's love that caused him to do all that, no...he manipulated you. He knew you would cry. He knew he would console...he went in for the kiss to seal it and once it was done he turned around and left BACK TO HIS WIFE.

 

He walked out of there feeling like "oh good things are back to normal. I can continue to have my cake and eat it too"

 

Girl. Seriously. Stop pretending. If you're gonna do no contact, do no contact. He shows up st your door? Call security to remove him. Call his ****ing wife to come get him. Do not engage him. Show this ******* that you are NOT playing games and he needs tonbe OUT of your life unless he is happily divorced and don't even call you unless the divorce is final and ink is dry.

 

This is YOUR life Jennifer. How much more of it are you going to WASTE on SOMEONE WHO DOESNT PICK YOU EXCEPT IN SECRET?

 

Do you really want to settle? We know you don't and you've done a good job going through the motions of NC but you need to get your heart into it. You need to believe it. And you need to NOT let him MANIPULATE you into breaking it.

 

Just because someone knocks on your door doesn't mean you have to let them in.

 

Next time:

 

Him: Knock knock

You:leave now or I will call the police and your wife to remove you

Him: but baby I love you just give me a minute

You: (no respeonse because you are dialing security and/or wife

 

Then he's gone. And you set a precedent and a standard and he won't be back. And if he does? You get a RO for stalking.

 

Let's get back in this, Jennifer. You slipped but you can bounce back to proper NC right now.

[elaine567]

That kiss has you hooked again.

He knows that.

He has you right where he wants you.

Waiting...

[BaileyB]

This just makes me so sad.

You need to find the strength to kick this guy to the curb. He uses and abuses you for his own pleasure. It's terrible.

[Birdies]

I'm so sorry! Now you know....talk to the doorman, no answering random knocks, and threaten to call the cops / wife if he does show up as Alie said. Hugs.

[Satu]

He just wanted to know that he can still overwhelm you with extreme emotion, thereby confirming his ownership of you.

 

From his point of view:

 

Mission accomplished.

 

 

Take care.

[freengreen]

He just wanted to know that he can still overwhelm you with extreme emotion, thereby confirming his ownership of you.

 

From his point of view:

 

Mission accomplished.

 

 

Take care.

Its sad and Satu is right..

[jennifernyc84]

Good morning/afternoon.

 

Didn't get much sleep last night. I couldn't shut my brain off. I kept thinking of how I couldn't handled the situation differently.

 

I could have told him I was going with the girls. That I didn't have time for his ****. I could've told him I've moved on. That I was going on a date. I could have called my building security and had him removed.

 

I did none of those things. Instead, I kissed him.

 

Instead of showing him a powerful strong side, I caved. I totally gave in to my flesh and what my body wanted.

 

I feel like I stabbed myself in the back. All the progress I made, I just took 1000 steps back.

 

Back at square one. He's still blocked everywhere he can be, so I have no idea if he's tried reaching me. I told him he's blocked.

 

I blocked him but mostly because I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to turn him down. I tell myself I can, but when he's around, I lose it.

 

I know I'll probably get slammed by you guys for saying this but, I still very much love him. With every part of me.

 

How can you stop loving someone???

[Satu]

I thought I did.

 

I didn't think it would come to this.

 

It always will.

 

He will never voluntarily leave your life.

 

Never.

 

He will always be sniffing around you, looking for vulnerabilities to exploit.

 

You have to be ready to repel him at any time.

 

 

Take care.

Edited December 17, 2016 by Satu

[imsosad]

Jen, we get you still love him. That is not the point,though.

You must maintain strict NC despite your feelings. Although you love him, you still have to go NC. Your feelings are not a good enough reason to decide otherwise. Your feelings can not be guiding your actions right now because they are working against you. Have you even seen that facebook meme, "follow your brain,your heart is an idiot"?

That's where you're at.

I cringed reading your post about his visit. Ugh,the manipulation, the selfishness. He was not consoling you,honey. He was reasserting his power over you. NC is a process. You were doing well before and you will do better now.

Trust me, if he follows through with the divorce promises, he will find a way to let you know. As of now, assume it's just means to an end to get you on board being his mistress again.

I know you feel terrible right now, it will get better. You are stronger than you think.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

How can you stop loving someone???

 

By realizing it's you or him.

 

You need to love yourself more than you love him. Put yourself and your own needs first and your feelings for him will fade away into the background. It all starts in your mind.

 

And don't think I couldn't understand. I do.

[Satu]

Part of what you feel for him is love, but another part is a dysfunctional, compulsive, addiction.

 

The latter is what you must cure yourself of.

 

If you don't, your life will never be a truly happy one.

 

 

Take care.

[aileD]

Tell his wife. He's not gonna leave you alone and you don't have the strength to give him the consequences he deserves.

 

Tell her you've broken off and you blocked him but he keeps on showing up at your house and you just want her to know that you have no intention of being with him and ask her to do something about her husband

 

This thing needs to blow up somehow and it's not gonna happen because you're too addicted. You need outside help. His wife. Your friends. The security guard. Etc

[freengreen]

How can you stop loving someone???

 

There are millions of people who loved a person and didn't end up with them. Love is not vested in just one person, there are many people who love you more than you know.

 

It is ok to love someone. Love is a beautiful thing UNLESS it leads to you stopping loving yourself. Addiction can be easily mistaken for love. The one thing you can see clearly if it's love is actions and what it is turning you into.

 

Don't beat yourself up on what you could have done. It's not 1000 steps backwards. It's a lesson learnt. Continue moving forward.

 

He is giving you a truck load of reasons to stop loving you. You don't have to worry about 'finding' reasons. Well I don't say you dint love him but why waste love on someone who couldn't care less about it..invest it somewhere else worthy.

 

You will then know what actual love can truly do to you

Edited December 17, 2016 by freengreen

[road]

You want him out of his life then go tell his BW.

[jennifernyc84]

You want him out of his life then go tell his BW.

 

How many think that's the best thing for me to do?

 

I've always said, from day one, that's his job. I never wanted to have to confront her.

 

I don't know. What do you guys think?

[Scarlett94]

You love him.

But remember he walked out of your place and went home and slept in bed with his WIFE.

He does not love you.

I'm a BW. His ows thought they loved him too.

The second I found out he dropped them without a word.

Not one word!

My moron told them he wouldn't ever divorce and they still would be with him.

Sometimes I even feel sorry for them but there was zero chance of him leaving me. Zero.

Your guy is the same. Don't believe me?

Tell his wife.

[FoundMyStrength]

Part of what you feel for him is love, but another part is a dysfunctional, compulsive, addiction.

 

The latter is what you must cure yourself of.

 

Exactly. The love hides it well, but underlying it is usually an addiction to MM, to the push-pull game, to wanting something you can't have, to the dopamine rush of kissing him or being near him or having sex with him. I'm 4 months out from seeing him or hearing his voice, and I still feel the addictive pull. Every single day.

 

There's a concept in some therapies called turning the mind. Every difficult moment is a chance to turn the mind, to accept the reality of the situation or to reject it. Like a fork in the road. I've found this helpful in maintaining NC. Every time I get the urge, I remind myself of the reality -- I'm not #1 or # anything and I'm about to hurt his wife and act like a sh*tty human being, yet again -- and that helps me to stay away.

 

It also means that if you give in to the urge, there's always another chance to turn the mind and get back to accepting reality. It's a hopeful, compassionate idea.

[Timshel]

You want him out of his life then go tell his BW.

 

She doesn't, want him out of her life. NC is to make him come to you, right Jennifer? To choose. When he came to you this last time you were thinking, this may be it, a choice....but it wasn't.

It's same old, same old thing.

 

When you are done playing the 'pick me' game, he could have rainbows shooting from his behind and you will be unimpressed.

 

For now you remain a puppet on his string....harsh, yes. NC is not a game/ploy, you either do it and mean it or not.

 

If he 'chooses' you Jennifer, what have you gained....honest question. If he is your husband, as you want him to be, who is he now with you? As his wife?

In your dreams when you are happy together, is he in bed with another woman telling her to wait for him?

 

As for telling his wife, I think that you have hurt her more than enough and to be honest, I think you will tell her to drive even more of a wedge between them. You are still playing the game.

 

Go NC for real. When you have achieved that level of insight then and only then, with no ulterior motive and with the delicacy of humility should you bring compassionate words to his wife.

[FoundMyStrength]

How many think that's the best thing for me to do?

 

I've always said, from day one, that's his job. I never wanted to have to confront her.

 

I don't know. What do you guys think?

 

I've seen some BS say that it hurt much more to hear it from the OW versus their husband. I personally have never thought it was my place to do this. It's his marriage, his vows, his ongoing relationship with her. Of course, none of it was my place to begin with, so...

 

But what might be just as effective is very clearly, without any doubt or uncertainty, telling him that if he EVER contacts you again, you will tell his wife. Some folks on here seem to have had good success with this method of enforcing NC.

[MidnightBlue1980]

How many think that's the best thing for me to do?

 

I've always said, from day one, that's his job. I never wanted to have to confront her.

 

I don't know. What do you guys think?

 

If my H was seeing his xOW, I would want to know. It's called false reconciliation and it's more than having an affair. It's making a total fool of the spouse who is thinking the other person wants to be with only them. Its called twisting the knife already in the other person's back.

 

My H and I both agreed to not do that and just be honest if we wanted out.

 

You don't have to make a big thing out it. You said they had a dday. Just text her. I already spoke with my H's OW, she texted me. I wouldn't want her showing up at my door, no giant emails or letters. Just a text - "I'm still seeing your husband. If you want to talk to me, I'm open to it."

 

That would do it. JMHO