My Husbands Pregnant Mistress

[Danny32]

I have been with my husband since 2001. We met in high school and have been together ever since. Since about 2004, he started cheating on me off and on. It created so much drama in our relationship over the years. At first I thought he cheated because we got together so young and maybe he felt like he had not experienced life.

 

However, the cheating continued and has been a non stop problem. I also realized my husband has a sex addiction and has a problem. He proposed back in 2014 and we just recently got married this past August. We have no children but I wanted to start a family this coming new year. However, my husband was having an affair with a woman from his work. She no longer works there but he continued to see her even after we got married.

 

We went to counseling but after 2 months he decided he could not stop cheating and would seperate from me because he kept hurting me. He was staying with his affair partner and now she's pregnant with what she claims is his child. I am beyond heartbroken and devastated. I'm humiliated because we have not even been married 4 months. I have not told my family yet because I don't know where to start. I only speak to my mother in law about the situation and she is sick over what her son has done to me. I am so confused because I still love my husband very much. But I hate what he has done.

 

My husband said since the woman is pregnant he has to be there with her in case something happens. He said he must take care of his responsibility to the child. He claims he's not in love with her but he never pictured having a kid and not being with the mother. The woman wants him to file for an annulment and not speak to me. She wants him to marry her and take care of her, the child she has from a previous relationship and the baby that's due next year. However, she's upset because he told her he is not ready to end his marriage and does not know if he wants too.

 

I want to end the marriage but a part of me wants to see if it can be restored. My husband said if it were not for the unborn child he would come back home. But now he does not know what to do because of the child. Have any of you been in this situation? What should I do? I'm so lost and don't know where to turn.

Edited December 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[5x5]

1. Get yourself tested for STI/STD's

 

2. Don't let your husband get you pregnant.

 

3. Divorce your husband.

 

4. Try not to marry serial cheaters.

[What-2-Do]

Your husband is an absolute MONSTER. He's NOT a man he is a loser. Do not give him the opportunity to come back. He will NEVER be faithful to you and he never has. Not sure why you would even consider taking him back.

[Danny32]

Your husband is an absolute MONSTER. He's NOT a man he is a loser. Do not give him the opportunity to come back. He will NEVER be faithful to you and he never has. Not sure why you would even consider taking him back.

 

I know he seems like a bad person but he's not. He has an addiction to sex and has for years. He admitted it to me but never got the help he needed. He said he is a cheater and has tried to stop. This time he got himself into something that he can't fix. He is devastated because his mistake has caused a lot of pain for everyone involved. He wants to do the right thing but is not sure what that is. He told me that he realizes what he's losing by being unfaithful in our relationship. He told me he is still in love with me but does not know how to work things out. I don't know how to even go about seeing if the marriage can be healed. I am struggling with filing for an annulment and so is he. Maybe we just need more time before we file to end the marriage. Its just hard when your forced to end it after you just took vows for better or worse. I guess this is the worse. I'm so ashamed about everything!

[DKT3]

I know he seems like a bad person but he's not. He has an addiction to sex and has for years. He admitted it to me but never got the help he needed. He said he is a cheater and has tried to stop. This time he got himself into something that he can't fix. He is devastated because his mistake has caused a lot of pain for everyone involved. He wants to do the right thing but is not sure what that is. He told me that he realizes what he's losing by being unfaithful in our relationship. He told me he is still in love with me but does not know how to work things out. I don't know how to even go about seeing if the marriage can be healed. I am struggling with filing for an annulment and so is he. Maybe we just need more time before we file to end the marriage. Its just hard when your forced to end it after you just took vows for better or worse. I guess this is the worse. I'm so ashamed about everything!

 

You should not be ashamed because of his behavior. And please stop making excuses for him. Even if he truly has a sex addiction he isn't seeking the help so really it's not much different then him not having one in terms of his efforts in the marriage.

 

I understand how difficult it is to walk away from the only adult relationship you've had, BTDT, but when your in so much pain as a result you can and will find relief.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know he seems like a bad person but he's not. He has an addiction to sex and has for years. He admitted it to me but never got the help he needed.

 

But Danny32, what part is he responsible for?

 

Disrespecting you?

 

Cheating on your relationship?

 

Not being willing to work on your marriage?

 

Getting his OW pregnant?

 

An addiction isn't a free pass to destroy everything and everyone around you. And unless your H develops some sense of personal responsibility, he'll never step up and address the issues tearing apart your marriage.

 

Time to protect yourself and think about living a healthier life. His choices are his own, you should plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Tell your WH that he must get a paternity test done. If the child is not his he has two options come back home, IC for him, NC with the OW. Or divorce.

[Danny32]

Tell your WH that he must get a paternity test done. If the child is not his he has two options come back home, IC for him, NC with the OW. Or divorce.

 

His mother told him the family will not claim the child until DNA proves it's his baby. He told me he asked the woman for dna results and she laughed and said you know I've only been with you. But they are still doing the DNA test when the child is born. Now this woman wants my husband to take care of her and told him to divorce me right away because she does not want to worry about him having a title with me. She has no remorse for her part in the situation. I know my husband was beyond wrong and broke his vows. But the OW is trash also and has no respect. Even if my marriage can't recover from this, I can't see God allowing this women much happiness in life. I hate how the OW just thinks she now owns my husband because of the child and is trying to call all the shots. Even convincing my husband that her other child needs a father as well and she wants them to be a family. My mother in law said having a baby won't keep a man and she needs to realize that. My mother in law also told me to keep praying because God works in mysterious ways. I hope my husband gets the shock of a lifetime when it comes to the OW. I also hope the OW is taught a lesson for trying to play house with a married man. By the way the girl is 27 and my husband will be 34 in less then a month. She's on baby daddy number 2 and is trying really hard to secure a family.

[kidm]

His mother told him the family will not claim the child until DNA proves it's his baby. He told me he asked the woman for dna results and she laughed and said you know I've only been with you. But they are still doing the DNA test when the child is born. Now this woman wants my husband to take care of her and told him to divorce me right away because she does not want to worry about him having a title with me. She has no remorse for her part in the situation. I know my husband was beyond wrong and broke his vows. But the OW is trash also and has no respect. Even if my marriage can't recover from this, I can't see God allowing this women much happiness in life. I hate how the OW just thinks she now owns my husband because of the child and is trying to call all the shots. Even convincing my husband that her other child needs a father as well and she wants them to be a family. My mother in law said having a baby won't keep a man and she needs to realize that. My mother in law also told me to keep praying because God works in mysterious ways. I hope my husband gets the shock of a lifetime when it comes to the OW. I also hope the OW is taught a lesson for trying to play house with a married man. By the way the girl is 27 and my husband will be 34 in less then a month. She's on baby daddy number 2 and is trying really hard to secure a family.

 

Your anger seems misplaced. The other woman's actions are deplorable but your anger should be directed at your husband and not the other woman who owes you nothing and didn't break any vows to you. Your husband caused this problem. It's his fault. There is no excuse for cheating. He was a cheater before you married him and it doesn't sound like he ever stopped. Why did you marry a serial cheater?

[elaine567]

The trouble with all this hatred for the OW and the excuses for the H, is that the best you can do is to "win" a cheater and someone you will never trust.

 

Truth is he is probably saying one thing to you ie what YOU want to hear and the exact opposite to her ie what SHE wants to hear.

Cheaters tend to be conflict avoidant.

 

The other problem you have is that he ran to her, something MM tend not to do - they tend to stick with the marriage - so he may indeed love her, but just doesn't want to admit that to you.

He is probably keeping you sweet as his plan B, sorry to say.

YOU have been a "doormat", accepting him cheating on you again and again and again, and if he messes up with this girl he will no doubt be back to you.

[Danny32]

The trouble with all this hatred for the OW and the excuses for the H, is that the best you can do is to "win" a cheater and someone you will never trust.

 

Truth is he is probably saying one thing to you ie what YOU want to hear and the exact opposite to her ie what SHE wants to hear.

Cheaters tend to be conflict avoidant.

 

The other problem you have is that he ran to her, something MM tend not to do - they tend to stick with the marriage - so he may indeed love her, but just doesn't want to admit that to you.

He is probably keeping you sweet as his plan B, sorry to say.

YOU have been a "doormat", accepting him cheating on you again and again and again, and if he messes up with this girl he will no doubt be back to you.

 

People seem to think that I am not mad at my spouse and want to blame the OW for everything. That's simply not true but the OW is at fault as well. I understand she didn't make vows to me but that does not mean she is not at fault. I completely understand my husband is at fault and broke our vows. I feel hatred in my heart for what he has done to me and our marriage. I also know most men stay with their wife if she allows the man to stay. So it hurts me that he is continuing to be in the household with the OW.

 

I asked him was in in love with her and he said no. Is he lying? He very well could be but I don't think so. He told me he had feelings for her enough to carry on an affair but he could never love her like he loves me. He realizes that now and has told her he will not marry her even for the sake of the child. He did say he stays with her in case anything happens with the baby because although he screwed up, he refuses to be a deadbeat dad and not be apart of the child's life. He feels it's his responsibility to be there at this time.

 

He could be lying through his teeth or he could be telling the truth. But he said there is not a day that goes by that he does not want to come home and try to fix our marriage. He is suffering because his lying cheating ways have been exposed for the world to see. He will forever be embarrassed by what he has done. As for the OW, she does not care and is selfish.

 

As a woman you should have enough respect for yourself to not mess around with a married man. When I first found out about their affair, I texted her and she said she was sorry and was removing herself from the situation and told me good luck. She said it was never serious between them. But she lied and so did he. They continued to see each other and this tragedy has now happened.

 

I'm not directing all my anger towards her. I am more hurt that my husband betrayed me but I am angry with her as well and I have a right to be. Especially since she is upset that my husband has not completely dropped me like she wants him too. She keeps telling him she's not comfortable with him being married to me and asks him to divorce me everyday. I feel like damn you got my husband, his so called baby and now you want him to erase me like he never knew me. You would think she would be embarrassed for being so damn selfish and non caring about the pain the affair has caused. But she's not and I just hope that she hurts one day like im hurting to see what it feels like. But God will show her..I'm almost sure of it.

 

I also hope my husband gets what he deserves as well and I hope if he stays with the OW that she burns his ass in ways he won't see coming. Sometimes you don't truly understand what you've done until you have to pay for it. I believe in Karma and I believe in God. But please don't think I'm sticking up for my husband and downing the OW. I am aware he is more at fault then she is. I wish I could go back in time but I can't.

 

My husband promised me we would start from scratch when we got married but he didn't fulfill his promise. I should of never believed him and it has cost me. But I'm not going to come on this forum and lie and say I would never consider trying to possibly heal the marriage before officially filing for annulment. If my husband was that in love with the OW, he would of filed already. He feels stuck because of what he's done. He lives less than 10 minutes away from the court house. I took vows for better or worse and this is as bad as it gets. Don't know if I can deal with it at this point but I would regret not speaking to a counselor or our pastor first before signing papers.

Edited December 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Mr. Lucky]

But I'm not going to come on this forum and lie and say I would never consider trying to possibly heal the marriage before officially filing for annulment. If my husband was that in love with the OW, he would of filed already. He feels stuck because of what he's done. He lives less than 10 minutes away from the court house. I took vows for better or worse and this is as bad as it gets. Don't know if I can deal with it at this point but I would regret not speaking to a counselor or our pastor first before signing papers.

 

The truth is he's probably where he needs to be. The child has a stake in this also and deserves a chance to have a father in his/her life. I get that's not the choice you'd make but the harsh reality is that a cheating spouse often limits or removes your options. As you've been advised by many, he's made his decisions, you should make yours accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

You should move on - you are much better off without a person like this in your life.

 

By the way, no person is all good or all bad. But a lack of honesty and loyalty and integrity is a HUGE flaw that cannot be overlooked.

[kidm]

People seem to think that I am not mad at my spouse and want to blame the OW for everything. That's simply not true but the OW is at fault as well. I understand she didn't make vows to me but that does not mean she is not at fault. I completely understand my husband is at fault and broke our vows. I feel hatred in my heart for what he has done to me and our marriage. I also know most men stay with their wife if she allows the man to stay. So it hurts me that he is continuing to be in the household with the OW.

 

I asked him was in in love with her and he said no. Is he lying? He very well could be but I don't think so. He told me he had feelings for her enough to carry on an affair but he could never love her like he loves me. He realizes that now and has told her he will not marry her even for the sake of the child. He did say he stays with her in case anything happens with the baby because although he screwed up, he refuses to be a deadbeat dad and not be apart of the child's life. He feels it's his responsibility to be there at this time.

 

He could be lying through his teeth or he could be telling the truth. But he said there is not a day that goes by that he does not want to come home and try to fix our marriage. He is suffering because his lying cheating ways have been exposed for the world to see. He will forever be embarrassed by what he has done. As for the OW, she does not care and is selfish.

 

As a woman you should have enough respect for yourself to not mess around with a married man. When I first found out about their affair, I texted her and she said she was sorry and was removing herself from the situation and told me good luck. She said it was never serious between them. But she lied and so did he. They continued to see each other and this tragedy has now happened.

 

I'm not directing all my anger towards her. I am more hurt that my husband betrayed me but I am angry with her as well and I have a right to be. Especially since she is upset that my husband has not completely dropped me like she wants him too. She keeps telling him she's not comfortable with him being married to me and asks him to divorce me everyday. I feel like damn you got my husband, his so called baby and now you want him to erase me like he never knew me. You would think she would be embarrassed for being so damn selfish and non caring about the pain the affair has caused. But she's not and I just hope that she hurts one day like im hurting to see what it feels like. But God will show her..I'm almost sure of it.

 

I also hope my husband gets what he deserves as well and I hope if he stays with the OW that she burns his ass in ways he won't see coming. Sometimes you don't truly understand what you've done until you have to pay for it. I believe in Karma and I believe in God. But please don't think I'm sticking up for my husband and downing the OW. I am aware he is more at fault then she is. I wish I could go back in time but I can't.

 

My husband promised me we would start from scratch when we got married but he didn't fulfill his promise. I should of never believed him and it has cost me. But I'm not going to come on this forum and lie and say I would never consider trying to possibly heal the marriage before officially filing for annulment. If my husband was that in love with the OW, he would of filed already. He feels stuck because of what he's done. He lives less than 10 minutes away from the court house. I took vows for better or worse and this is as bad as it gets. Don't know if I can deal with it at this point but I would regret not speaking to a counselor or our pastor first before signing papers.

 

I'm not really sure if this decision to "stay" is yours to make. What are your plans? To put your life on hold for 18 years? He has made a decision to be with the other woman -supposedly only because of his child- and string you along. You and the other woman are supporting his behavior. I don't see where you have an option. At least not an option that will make you happy and fulfilled. I think you may need to work with a counselor as to why you are willing to accept such mediocre treatment and believe a man who has repeatedly lied to you and disrespected you throughout your "relationship." You deserve better. I hope you come to that realization sooner than later. You've wasted enough years on him. He's not worth it. He may have some good qualities but everything you've described overshadows that. The kicker is he is not even willing to come home and start the long and arduous tasks of repairing the relationship. He has made a choice to leave and to keep you waiting in the wings. What a selfish selfish man. He has never been held accountable for his actions. Despite your verbal admonishment, here you are wanting him back......

Edited December 13, 2016 by kidm

[ufo8mycat]

People seem to think that I am not mad at my spouse and want to blame the OW for everything. That's simply not true but the OW is at fault as well. I understand she didn't make vows to me but that does not mean she is not at fault.

 

You are holding the OW to a higher standard than your husband. This is devastating. Totally utterly devastating. My husband left me for someone who I thought was a friend. I totally hate her. I enjoy smirking at her bad choice of shoes as as we are in the same social circle

 

But I married a narcissist and I can't blame her for the tale of woe he tells.

 

Someone once said to me compassion is the skill, empathy is the tool. I have compassion for my ex's new girlfriend. she will be where I was. But be dammed if I have any empathy for her. I owe her nothing.

 

I completely understand my husband is at fault and broke our vows. I feel hatred in my heart for what he has done to me and our marriage. I also know most men stay with their wife if she allows the man to stay. So it hurts me that he is continuing to be in the household with the OW.

 

HE IS SCREWING YOU OVER. He gets to be dad and not have a ranting ex wife. Seriously, be the ranting ex wife.

 

I asked him was in in love with her and he said no. Is he lying?

 

Probably not but he isn't treating you well is he? He isn't showing you love or respect?

 

value yourself more, you are worth respect from acquaintances, you deserve so much more from your husband.

 

 

He told me he had feelings for her enough to carry on an affair but he could never love her like he loves me. He realizes that now and has told her he will not marry her even for the sake of the child. He did say he stays with her in case anything happens with the baby because although he screwed up, he refuses to be a deadbeat dad and not be apart of the child's life. He feels it's his responsibility to be there at this time.

 

blah blah blah, no accountability, no accountability

 

agreed an innocent child is involved. But guess what? parents seperate and divorce all the time and co-parenting is so common its parsley.

 

He is playing you. You have no idea of the agreement or expectations (ps this isn't a good thing)

 

 

As for the OW, she does not care and is selfish.

 

Yep, she is having a child. Again, you don't have to be empathetic but this guy is lying out of every oriface.

 

As a woman you should have enough respect for yourself to not mess around with a married man.

 

The only accountability here is between you and your husband. And I get how much it hurts. My husband left our marriage for a friend of mine and we had three subsequent conversations in a year. Two were in court. The headspinning aspect is unimaginable.

 

But seriously, don't blame her. You are holding her to a higher standard than your husband.

 

 

 

Your husband has issues that are beyond you and your anger is totally justified. Please go see a counsellor? they can help you make sense of the crazy making (and it does go on...) but from here on it its about you. You will have your good days, your blind raging days but its all about you.

 

 

I am not saying anyone is blameless but I think your husband has told many tall tales. You believed him. So did his OW. He doesn't strike me as the stand up sort to take ownership of the hurt he has caused

 

Which totally sucks, but it is possible to heal and move on (but it takes time). But your focus now is you - your anger, your grief, your loss and your future.

 

all the best xx

Edited December 13, 2016 by ufo8mycat

[MJJean]

So, he's been cheating on you for 12 years, you married him knowing he was a serial cheater, then he knocked up his latest girlfriend and is now responsible to her and their child.

 

You married a man known to be a serial cheater and got very, very, predictable results. So, extract yourself from the situation, file for the divorce or annulment if you can annul instead, and find a decent man. Leave this one to Baby and Baby Momma.

[Danny32]

You are holding the OW to a higher standard than your husband. This is devastating. Totally utterly devastating. My husband left me for someone who I thought was a friend. I totally hate her. I enjoy smirking at her bad choice of shoes as as we are in the same social circle

 

But I married a narcissist and I can't blame her for the tale of woe he tells.

 

Someone once said to me compassion is the skill, empathy is the tool. I have compassion for my ex's new girlfriend. she will be where I was. But be dammed if I have any empathy for her. I owe her nothing.

 

 

 

HE IS SCREWING YOU OVER. He gets to be dad and not have a ranting ex wife. Seriously, be the ranting ex wife.

 

 

 

Probably not but he isn't treating you well is he? He isn't showing you love or respect?

 

value yourself more, you are worth respect from acquaintances, you deserve so much more from your husband.

 

 

 

 

blah blah blah, no accountability, no accountability

 

agreed an innocent child is involved. But guess what? parents seperate and divorce all the time and co-parenting is so common its parsley.

 

He is playing you. You have no idea of the agreement or expectations (ps this isn't a good thing)

 

 

 

 

Yep, she is having a child. Again, you don't have to be empathetic but this guy is lying out of every oriface.

 

 

 

The only accountability here is between you and your husband. And I get how much it hurts. My husband left our marriage for a friend of mine and we had three subsequent conversations in a year. Two were in court. The headspinning aspect is unimaginable.

 

But seriously, don't blame her. You are holding her to a higher standard than your husband.

 

 

 

Your husband has issues that are beyond you and your anger is totally justified. Please go see a counsellor? they can help you make sense of the crazy making (and it does go on...) but from here on it its about you. You will have your good days, your blind raging days but its all about you.

 

 

I am not saying anyone is blameless but I think your husband has told many tall tales. You believed him. So did his OW. He doesn't strike me as the stand up sort to take ownership of the hurt he has caused

 

Which totally sucks, but it is possible to heal and move on (but it takes time). But your focus now is you - your anger, your grief, your loss and your future.

 

all the best xx

 

You make some very valid points and I appreciate all the advice you are trying to give me. I am not trying to hold the woman to a higher standard but I am not one to say my husband was the only wrong person in this whole crazy mess. She was wrong as well because she knew about me, she knew we just got married, she knew I loved my husband. However, those things did not matter to her because she was too busy getting what she wanted.

 

As a woman it upsets me when people cannot find their own man or woman and would rather lay up with someone who is taken. It also upsets me when someone who is in a relationship or married does not respect their union enough to be faithful. No one is innocent in these situations and both parties should be held liable for their actions is all I'm saying. No one will tell her that just because she did not take vows to me that she had no wrong doing. I'm not looking for people to agree with me because everyone has a different opinion but this is just my way of thinking. But I am not saying that I will forgive my spouse and just easily let him back into my life. What I am saying is that I am not mentally ready to file for an annulment and I don't even know where to start. You can't just wake up the next day after hearing this type of life changing news and file for divorce and move on after so many years with one person.

 

I am still in disbelief and am extremely depressed over what has happened. I am trying to get to a point of acceptance but I only found out about the pregnancy less than a month ago. People always say they would leave if something like this happened to them. However, its easier said than done and you will never truly know what you would do unless it happens to you. As much as you hate your spouse for what they have done, you still love them deep down inside and that's what makes leaving hard.

 

It may sound dumb and it may actually be dumb to consider trying to heal the marriage. But I'm not the first person to be in this situation. Some stay and work through it and a lot of woman leave and move on. Only time will tell what will happen. I also know that if he does completely end up with this OW, things will not be peachy for them and they will go through may demons in their own relationship because of how the relationship started.

 

Like my mother in law told my husband, sometimes God brings people in your life to wake you up and grow you up. She said if my son thinks he's going to run off into the sunset with the baby mama he has a lot to learn about life. She said God only recognizes marriage and will not reward adultery in anyway. God will not reward a man who leaves his spouse for another woman and vice versa.

 

She has also told me that this woman will pay for her part in the whole situation as well and all I have to do is sit back and watch it unfold because it will get ugly. I am glad that she supports me and continues to look out for me and have my back. Either way, I continue to pray everyday and I hope God will bring me comfort and understanding in the near future. For those of you that are religious and believe in prayer, please pray for me. Thank You!

Edited December 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6

[The_Onceler]

In broad strokes: you have been together since 2001, so 15 years or so. He has been serially cheating since 2004, so 12 years or so. You got married in the last year or so, meaning that you not only stayed with him despite his serial cheating, but you then agreed to up the ante and get married.

 

Now he has a baby on the way with another woman, and he has declared that he has to be there for her to some extent. And you wonder what to do?

 

I'd say that you should run as far and as fast from him as you can. I'd then suggest individual counseling for yourself, to better understand why you expect so little from your partner.

 

And you said you wanted to start a family with him, right? Well, please consider this, and this is IMPORTANT: what sort of father/man do you think he will be too your kids?

 

If he is destined to be a good father, then he will likely devote himself to his new child (and probably the other woman) as soon as the baby is born.

 

If he does NOT find that he wants to devote himself to the baby, then he will probably also not devote himself to any child that you might have with him.

 

Its just my opinion, but I think that you are almost certain to suffer and fail if you stay with him. Let him go, give the other baby a fighting chance at a good dad, and give yourself a fighting chance at the sort of future that you wanted for yourself.

[VeveCakes]

WHY would you get married and try and start a family with a man who is a known serial cheater?

 

Let this one go and start over.

[Danny32]

In broad strokes: you have been together since 2001, so 15 years or so. He has been serially cheating since 2004, so 12 years or so. You got married in the last year or so, meaning that you not only stayed with him despite his serial cheating, but you then agreed to up the ante and get married.

 

Now he has a baby on the way with another woman, and he has declared that he has to be there for her to some extent. And you wonder what to do?

 

I'd say that you should run as far and as fast from him as you can. I'd then suggest individual counseling for yourself, to better understand why you expect so little from your partner.

 

And you said you wanted to start a family with him, right? Well, please consider this, and this is IMPORTANT: what sort of father/man do you think he will be too your kids?

 

If he is destined to be a good father, then he will likely devote himself to his new child (and probably the other woman) as soon as the baby is born.

 

If he does NOT find that he wants to devote himself to the baby, then he will probably also not devote himself to any child that you might have with him.

 

Its just my opinion, but I think that you are almost certain to suffer and fail if you stay with him. Let him go, give the other baby a fighting chance at a good dad, and give yourself a fighting chance at the sort of future that you wanted for yourself.

 

I wish it were this easy for me but it's not. If it were that easy, I would have filed already. However, I am already slowly taking steps to move on. I'm getting my own place next month, I'm not speaking with him on an everyday basis. I am trying to deal with what has happened.

 

However, regardless of the situation, I am not at a point where I can just turn off my heart because someone thinks I should. I never said we were getting back together. However, before we officially end things we both are taking time to see what we want out of life. He is not happy that he's having a baby with another woman. But he knows it's their fault because they did not care at the time. He is probably suffering more than me. He is in a deep depression and hates what he had done. But it may be too late if God wants this child to be born.

 

We are both very lost right now. His affair has screwed us very badly. My husband said he wanted to come home before he found out the OW was pregnant. No one in his family knows besides his mother. She is physically sick over it and cried a lot because his decision hurt her as his mother. He said he's embarrassed because he know what he had in me and threw it away for a cheap affair.

 

He told me he thought at one time he had real feelings for the girl but realized about a month ago that he's not in love with her. He said it's easier living there with her because he doesn't have to see the hurt on my face and feels that him being around is a constant reminder of what he's done. He has stopped going around his family out of pure shame. He said if he could go back in time, he would have stopped the affair a long time ago and just focused on our marriage but he was selfish and never thought this would happen to him. Thought he could keep getting away with it.

 

I'm embarrassed because I stayed with someone who has cheated in the past and I truly thought he would change but I WAS WRONG. I CAN ADMIT THAT. The whole situation is just messed up.

Edited December 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6

[dreamingoftigers]

You make some very valid points and I appreciate all the advice you are trying to give me. I am not trying to hold the woman to a higher standard but I am not one to say my husband was the only wrong person in this whole crazy mess. She was wrong as well because she knew about me, she knew we just got married, she knew I loved my husband. However, those things did not matter to her because she was too busy getting what she wanted.

 

As a woman it upsets me when people cannot find their own man or woman and would rather lay up with someone who is taken. It also upsets me when someone who is in a relationship or married does not respect their union enough to be faithful. No one is innocent in these situations and both parties should be held liable for their actions is all I'm saying. No one will tell her that just because she did not take vows to me that she had no wrong doing. I'm not looking for people to agree with me because everyone has a different opinion but this is just my way of thinking. But I am not saying that I will forgive my spouse and just easily let him back into my life. What I am saying is that I am not mentally ready to file for an annulment and I don't even know where to start. You can't just wake up the next day after hearing this type of life changing news and file for divorce and move on after so many years with one person.

 

I am still in disbelief and am extremely depressed over what has happened. I am trying to get to a point of acceptance but I only found out about the pregnancy less than a month ago. People always say they would leave if something like this happened to them. However, its easier said than done and you will never truly know what you would do unless it happens to you. As much as you hate your spouse for what they have done, you still love them deep down inside and that's what makes leaving hard.

 

It may sound dumb and it may actually be dumb to consider trying to heal the marriage. But I'm not the first person to be in this situation. Some stay and work through it and a lot of woman leave and move on. Only time will tell what will happen. I also know that if he does completely end up with this OW, things will not be peachy for them and they will go through may demons in their own relationship because of how the relationship started.

 

Like my mother in law told my husband, sometimes God brings people in your life to wake you up and grow you up. She said if my son thinks he's going to run off into the sunset with the baby mama he has a lot to learn about life. She said God only recognizes marriage and will not reward adultery in anyway. God will not reward a man who leaves his spouse for another woman and vice versa.

 

She has also told me that this woman will pay for her part in the whole situation as well and all I have to do is sit back and watch it unfold because it will get ugly. I am glad that she supports me and continues to look out for me and have my back. Either way, I continue to pray everyday and I hope God will bring me comfort and understanding in the near future. For those of you that are religious and believe in prayer, please pray for me. Thank You!

 

Watching it unfold isn't healthy.

 

Plus, that final justice wouldn't be delivered until after death anyhow.

 

Don't waste your life waiting for it.

 

I find it a sad truth that often the biggest abusers and most disloyal spouses are often gifted with spouses that go above and beyond the norm to reconcile.

 

(Trust me, I know what I am talking about here).

 

All you end up with is more pain.

 

If you keep investing in the same failing company, you just lose more. The management sucks and depletes your funds.

[GunslingerRoland]

I have to ask, was there ever a good time in this marriage that you are trying to get back too? Because it sounds like you are trying to fix something that has been broken right from the start.

 

Maybe he's the perfect husband beyond the cheating, but I honestly find that really hard to believe. This was bound to happen sooner or later, and while I don't know how you live with accepting it, it isn't going away.

[The_Onceler]

I wish it were this easy for me but it's not. If it were that easy, I would have filed already.

 

I understand. It is quite easy to dish out advice on the internet. Following advice, not so much. And I did not mean to seem harsh. But I still think the writing is clearly on the wall, and writ large: your husband and the other woman have opened a Pandora's box. All I foresee for them is a world of drama. I'd want to steer clear of it.

[dreamingoftigers]

I wish it were this easy for me but it's not. If it were that easy, I would have filed already. However, I am already slowly taking steps to move on. I'm getting my own place next month, I'm not speaking with him on an everyday basis. I am trying to deal with what has happened.

 

In my experience, doing a hard 180 is the best start to healing. You cut him off completely and just let his chips fall where they may. He used you. For years. The way you start to heal is to COMPLETELY divest from him because he has made choices that utterly tear your future with him asunder. He did this, don't comfort him.

 

Frankly, I learned a hard lesson in EFT therapy years ago, I take care and comfort his feelings as a way of avoiding my own and my own issues. You are clearly starting from all of this. GO THROUGH THE GRIEF. Go through it and incest in yourself 110%. You NEED to show an incredible amount of self-catering through this. He won't care for you and it will literally eat away your life and your health. It also means that the spouse who actually DESERVES a good spouse, waits longer for you to show up.

 

Yeah, that guy. The guy who will actually treat with live, respect and like you are special. He gets to wait around not meeting you because you are still trying to fix crap with the serial cheater that torched your marriage in under a year.

 

However, regardless of the situation, I am not at a point where I can just turn off my heart because someone thinks I should. I never said we were getting back together. However, before we officially end things we both are taking time to see what we want out of life. He is not happy that he's having a baby with another woman. But he knows it's their fault because they did not care at the time. He is probably suffering more than me. He is in a deep depression and hates what he had done. But it may be too late if God wants this child to be born.

 

I doubt he's hurting more than you. He has two women cleaning up his emotional mess at this point. He has two women engaging with him trying to "help him feel better."

 

You're the one who got totally screwed in this situation. You lost a husband, you have no children of your own, he's stringing you along emotionally with the "it's you I WILL REALLY love" and on top of it all they are having a baby. YOU are getting the shortest end of this. I sincerely doubt he's in torrential hurt comparatively. He's got all of the options. All he's going to feel is some guilt. Clearly he has intense trouble attaching to and respecting people.

 

We are both very lost right now. His affair has screwed us very badly. My husband said he wanted to come home before he found out the OW was pregnant. No one in his family knows besides his mother. She is physically sick over it and cried a lot because his decision hurt her as his mother. He said he's embarrassed because he know what he had in me and threw it away for a cheap affair.

 

Embarrassment, guilt, oops.

 

"My Mom is mad."

 

These are not new consequences. Had they been new consequences I could get him feeling it a lot. But he's done this since at least 2004. What exactly did he think wason the horizon?

 

And if he is so torn up about it, why has he made exactly ZERO steps to work it out with you besides his cheap talk?

 

He told me he thought at one time he had real feelings for the girl but realized about a month ago that he's not in love with her. He said it's easier living there with her because he doesn't have to see the hurt on my face and feels that him being around is a constant reminder of what he's done. He has stopped going around his family out of pure shame. He said if he could go back in time, he would have stopped the affair a long time ago and just focused on our marriage but he was selfish and never thought this would happen to him. Thought he could keep getting away with it.

 

Talk is cheap and he buys in bulk.

 

I'm embarrassed because I stayed with someone who has cheated in the past and I truly thought he would change but I WAS WRONG. I CAN ADMIT THAT. The whole situation is just messed up.

 

Yes, you were wrong.

 

Finally we get to YOU.

 

Stop gently clinging hoping for a turnaround.

 

Even IF there was a turnaround, you could have your FREEDOM now. You don't have children with this man, you aren't tied to him.

 

2004 was 12 almost 13 years ago. That's when your relationship ceased being monogamous.that's a LONG time.

 

And I get it. I do. I've been with my husband for 11 years and he's a serial cheat, we also have two children. If I hadn't had my daughter, I would have thrown him out so fast when I discovered his bull crap. I can't even imagine how much better my life would have been.

[eightytwenty]

You're H is the jerk.

The OW did you a favor. She isn't to blame on your husband to cheat, you can hate her, but she isn't the one that cheated on you

He's been doing this for years and finally knocked one up, what makes you think he'll stop. Heck I could see it now, you babysitting the child and he's off with someone else. because he's NOT going to stop

 

 

Move on, you don't deserve it, and you soon realize that pain, stress will go away when you get rid of him.