Aspie Widower Trying to Get Back Out There

[MisterRoySpike]

I'm new here, so fair warning, this is going to be long....a got a lot of ground to cover.

 

I'm 41, and I'm a widower. Prior to her death, we had been married nearly a decade. I also have Asperger's, which gives me my share of social disadvantages.

 

Being a man with needs, I obviously want to get back on the horse again. But it's a scary, unknown world for me. The best comparison would be a caveman, frozen in an ice cave for 3000 years, until he thaws out and wakes up in the modern era.

 

I can't speak for all Aspies, but we tend to gravitate toward people that we can pleasant friendly conversations with (usually with common interests), and it's not uncommon for us to be fairly agefluid in this regard.

 

There's this one girl I've been working with for nearly a year. She's 23. But I really like talking to her, we have a lot of common interests, and she's very smart, she's a student at the local university. One of the few girls there who actually greets me by name. For a few months, she was real talkative and friendly, then a few months later, she seemed to have changed and would not talk to me. I didn't say anything to her, either, but that was because I was afraid that something I did (or didn't do) upset her and I didn't want to make things worse. Eventually I did make an extra effort to talk to her again, and she again became the friendly, greets me by name type. It's rare that we get the breakroom to ourselves, but when we do, we can have long talks about things we like, and she shows me some things she's drawn online. So she seems to be getting more comfortable with me, and seems impressed when I put up the effort to actually talk to her instead of trying to wait for her to do it.

 

I really like talking with her, but I won't lie that the age difference makes me a little nervous. I have no idea what her comfort zone is there, and if she already has a significant other, it's a moot point anyway. I've occasionally tried to steer conversations in a way that would get her to reveal if she has one or not, but no luck. I even tried a conversation that was specifically designed to give her an opening to ask me out, that didn't work either. I can't ask her out on the breakroom where there might be ears listening. I want to ask her to do something with me outside of work (we have a few mutual hobbies), but I'm afraid of how that might come across. I'm tempted to just hand her a card with some of my contact information (phone number, e-mail, instagram screen name), but women will usually just take those to be polite, if they want to contact you, then they would offer their own contact information, wouldn't they?

 

She knows my age, she knows I'm widowed. Frequency and consistency have always been my strongest allies in situations like this. If I am too far out of her age bracket, then I would prefer to know that BEFORE I made anything resembling an attempt to ask her out.

 

It would be so much easier, in these modern, liberated times, if girls asked guys out. If a girl had feelings for a guy like me, I can't think of any reason why she would be nervous asking me out.

 

The problem with us Aspies is that we genuinely have difficulty telling the difference between whether or not someone likes us or is "nice to everybody". On the first day she met me, when she introduced herself, she even said "I have one of those nice to everybody type personalities".

[Hyperfocal]

I hear you Roy... Interesting points about age and perceived attraction. Is the issue to take a risk with the potential for being wrong, and accepting the consequences, right? This gets more delicate when the subject of you affections is greater than a decade younger, as the adjective "Creepy" suddenly seems fitting.

 

Some women do not approach dating in a linear fashion, where they know what they want and follow actions to that goal; they can be haphazard and live for the moment. This may be the case with who you describe.

 

Now your whole "Can't ask her out where ears listening line" needs work. There is nothing evil about asking someone to lunch or dinner in a public setting, at all! You aren't asking if you want to practice making babies with her; you're asking for the simplest entry level interaction, that in a public place is fine. You have a common hobby it seems, exploit that for a reason to interact if possible. It is less binary than "Will you date me," and it allows you to show interest in her talent (drawing you say?), which is always a win.

 

Your aspie'ness may mean you have a richer inner life, and an easier time applying the intellect than some. This isn't too far from the definition of an introvert. It's one of those disabilities that offers certain strengths also.

 

Would it seem more practical to do some online dating (in your age bracket), on those about an hour away? If it doesn't work, you have gained experience and not fried local reputation. If it does, she is close enough to actually interact with for time to come. As you gain experience and confidence, you bring your dating options closer to home.