LoveSonqs Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 (edited) Some background... my husband and I have been married for less than a year, approximately 9 months now and October marked a year together as a couple. Since we started dating he's been super controlling, possessive and very untrusting towards me (I assume from past girlfriends, from what he's told me they've all cheated on him. I guess I unfairly got the blame for it). Fast forward a bit, to put it simply I was more of his possession than his wife. He was the "if I do it it's okay I do no wrong but if you did it the world would end" type of person. I could not take selfies and upload them, I had to delete basically every social media account with the exception of Facebook and even then I had to watch how many things I shared/posted... as he put it "I shared too many things." I was afraid to text my friends for over long periods of time in case he would think I was on my phone too much. I wasn't allowed to have any girl days, if I were to hangout with a friend he made it a point that he had to be there with me and my friend couldn't have her boyfriend accompanying her unless he was there too. He even had the audacity to accuse me of sleeping with his brother while I was at home watching his little sister and our newborn! Mind you, I have never done this boy wrong. I've done nothing but *try* to love him and I always without a doubt got accused of being unfaithful and it happened so much it made me wonder if HE was really the one being a cheater. Here's the real problem. When finding out I was pregnant, he didn't make it his priority to find a real job with a steady income until the month before I was due but then quit after literally 4 weeks. It came as a shock to me that he quit out of the blue but I told him I'd support him anyhow if he'd only wait until he for sure had another job waiting, which of course he didn't, he at first claimed it was his dream job from God but upon quitting he told everyone "I feel like this is not what God wants me to do." He worked every now and then with his father, maybe a couple days out of the week, and from my point of view he never took it seriously as he can never get fired; his dad is his boss. Bringing in a minimum wage income every week blowing it on fast food, UFC fights on tv, etc. instead of saving up for bills we're months behind on OR preparing for our at the time newborn. He didn't search for another job until now that we're separated and I told him I want a divorce. Even still.. he's said he's applied at so many jobs but has not landed or heard back from any of them to my knowledge and it's been a good few months now. There has been countless times my family or his or even friends have offered him jobs but he is too picky for a lack of a better word.. "I don't like working in the sun.." In my head he is considered unemployed because of how he blows his money on unimportant things as well as a history of not showing up to work every single day with his dad like a REAL job requires you to do. It felt to me like he has no desire to work at all. In all he has been unemployed since August. The money he made working with his dad on and off looked to be entertainment money. He made no effort to save, not to mention not one thing was bought for our child before she was born, only after did he buy 1 gallon of infant water and some hangers once. If it wasn't for my baby shower I probably wouldn't have anything. Once we brought our little girl home I rarely had help from him. Note, I had an episiotomy 4th degree laceration. One time our baby started crying and he handed her to me, didn't even take the time or effort to soothe her. Another time he told me "I don't want to feed her it takes too long" & "I don't want to do this anymore." If he was joking which he did not sound like it, I didn't find it funny in the least. Most of the time he'd always come up with some dumb excuse as to why he couldn't hold her, his most favorite line was "if I wanted to hold her I would." Ouch, that hurts me for my daughter. I was mainly the one to get up and take care of her needs (with the exception of him washing her bottles maybe a few times with my asking, I'll give him a little credit there) and if I ever asked him for some help he'd become very frustrated, same reaction if I had just put her down and she made one little noise indicating she was waking back up/still wanted to be held... I tried telling him several times I wasn't happy, that I didn't feel like he truly loved me or cared and that something needed to change. But in our last argument before I moved out of the house he told me what is the point in making effort. He also admitted to me at another time that he wasn't ready. > Current day, he still has not asked or offered to buy me diapers, wipes, formula, clothes etc for our daughter but he can continue being months late on bills, spending money on fast food oh and getting a tattoo of our daughters name as if to show everyone he's such a good father. He says he loves her and he may but he's doing a ****ty job of showing it. I truly wasn't happy, I felt trapped like a slave. Was I right to leave and want a divorce? I tried to love him but that's no way I want to spend the rest of my life and I for damn sure don't want my daughter growing up to see me miserable. I feel like if I get a divorce I'll be letting God down. The worst part about it is he's in complete denial about how he treated me, how he didn't help or look for a REAL job not working with daddy. Did I do right not only for me but my child? Edited December 12, 2016 by LoveSonqs Link to post Share on other sites
Expectmore Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 You answered your own question. You could probably walk outside and point at the first man you see and end up with a better husband and father for your baby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 in order for there to be a "divorce" that has to be a marriage. and what you had was not a marriage. it was a lot of things, but not that. he's lazy, cold, calculating and imo, the worst sin of all, he wastes money. and it sounds like it's not even his own money. he doesn't care. you can find out why. maybe he had a bad childhood, or he has some mental disorder, maybe there is some label/diagnosis you can find to explain away his contempt for everyone around him, including a tiny baby, but it won't change anything for you or the baby. and frankly, who cares why he does anything. what you should be focusing on is how to stay away from him, like you would any common thief, and how to get on with your life, raising your child. i won't say, "you can do this" or "you can do better" or any other platitude about getting on with a life that's going to be very very hard because, i don't know you and i don't know if you have it in you as a woman. but as a mother you know that it's best to put a lot of distance between him and you and her, emotionally and financially. starting with a divorce and asking for "full physical custody". good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Divorce him asap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jump Through Loops Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 You knew he had issues before you married him, but I guess it was something which you felt could be dealt with in time, that he will somehow sort himself out. You've now realised this won't happen without many years of hard work and a lot of pain on your part and you now have more urgent priorities (your child). If you feel divorce is the way to go, then yes, it's the right time and it's the right thing to do for yourself and your child. Don't feel bad about what your doing, feel bad for his next partner, because without help he will throw himself deeper into his own self destructive pit of hell. I would wish you good luck, but you don't need it. You'll be just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveSonqs Posted December 12, 2016 Author Share Posted December 12, 2016 Thank you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveSonqs Posted December 12, 2016 Author Share Posted December 12, 2016 Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveSonqs Posted December 12, 2016 Author Share Posted December 12, 2016 When we first got together his controlling traits were hidden well. I didn't think much of it but I did have my gut telling me something was off. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 When we first got together his controlling traits were hidden well. I didn't think much of it but I did have my gut telling me something was off. Lovesong, First, yes you are right to divorce. He is not a real man, and properly never will be. Second, you need to figure out why you took up with him in the first place. Why did you even have sex with him the first time? Your divorce, will not be a service to you unless you learn from this, and recognize that while the sex maybe great, and you "landed" him, you picked a man child, and for both your child and yourself, you will need to suffer the consequences. I am not trying to make you feel bad, nor am do I think you are a bad person, but want you to do WAY better next time. Your child needs a Dad, and there are many decent guys out there. You need to figure out, why you went with such a "bad boy, loser", and not one of them. Work on yourself, and to find out. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Some background... my husband and I have been married for less than a year, approximately 9 months now and October marked a year together as a couple. So you've been together 14 months and married for 9? With a pregnancy mixed in, I don't have to do the math to understand you basically married and had a child with a stranger. As you've found out, anyone can put on an act for a couple of months and pretend to be something they aren't. Good things take an investment in time and energy. I'm not sure why you rushed into this relationship but it's not a mistake I'd repeat again... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
charliegirl816 Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 I am sorry you're going through this. Your comment, "I truly wasn't happy, I felt trapped like a slave. Was I right to leave and want a divorce." You didn't share if either of you are seeing a marriage counselor. Marriage isn't easy and takes a lot of work, more so with a new baby so soon into the marriage. Love and happiness are choices we make in a relationship. It takes work to love someone who is irresponsible and sounds like you both have growing to do. It would be my suggestion that you move back and both see a marriage counselor before you file for divorce. Hope the best for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 I tend to think you are right to divorce only because of his seeming lack of any involvement with his daughter. Often times though people have a habit of seeing only what they want to see. Do you have insurance that might pay for MC or IC? Are you working? Link to post Share on other sites
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