At wits end

[JohnnyNumber5]

Hello loveshack,

 

It was actually a stumble that I came across this website. It's good place it seems to here from real experienced people rather then professional. Sometimes it's easier to swallow the truth when it's coming from who went through the same thing. And it seems ad naseum.

 

I have been in for the past 15 years in a caring but unloving relationship. We care deeply for each other probably do not love each other. It's been a struggle since we started. She has issues with intimacy on all levels, I was ignorantly searching for a "safe" person to be with. I've always been the one to initiate Sy form of physical contact or intimacy. Kissing, hugging, sex. 90% of the time I felt like I was forcing myself on her, which made me stop. I've tried to talk to her about it. Seek professional help. Assured her I don't think anything less of her or love her any less.

 

Well that was at the beginning she made some sporadic changes but always seemed to regress. Totally submissive in our relationship , which I've constantly voiced my concerns over. I want a partner not a servant I don't want my girls to believe they must be complexity subserviant to their spouses either. But the temptation of just having things aside from physical intimacy at your beck and call was overpowering too. Which is why it's taken me 15 years to reach a breaking point.

 

Before this the past 5 years I've constantly warned her we're losing each other, she puts kids first and between us. I end up focusing on work or games to gain some form attention or distraction. But this past weekend, I just blew my proverbial lid. I confronted her directly that I don't think she loves me. I even pleaded with her to take some time away from the family and find herself. Figure out who she is what she wants and whether or not she actually loves me or just loves being with me. She wouldn't agree to it. I said we have a problem, I voiced that I cannot be in a loveless marriage that is okay with mediocrity and shallowness. The following day I woke up and put up an ultimatum. Get help or I'm asking for a divorce. I took my ring off and gave it to her remind her of how serious I am and how desperate I feel our situation is.

 

I feel guilty for putting an ultimatum on my love. I don't know if I can truly trust that she wants to work on herself. She seems too safe in her personal bubble. Any attempts in the past was met with a lot of self derision over inability. I wouldn't have this time. I've seen her shine in brief spots so I know she's capable. The rest of the weekend has been me sulking and anxious over The Who ordeal. Which I've come to the realization that I might not love her at all either. I've distanced myself from her and put up walls too perhaps from the constant rejections ? Or perhaps I too enjoyed her company and not her. In which case the only option is a divorce. But she doesn't want a divorce, yet has shown no signs of urgency over the matter either. Shell Shocked?

[DKT3]

So are you currently cheating on your wife?

 

It honestly sounds like your looking for excuses, you make it sound as if you're the only one making an effort,

 

And what's with this putting the kid's between us stuff?

[Mr. Lucky]

So are you currently cheating on your wife?

 

My first thought also. JohnnyNumber5, is there someone else on your radar?

 

Or perhaps I too enjoyed her company and not her.

 

I think you just have trouble accepting who she is. She doesn't need to "find herself", she already has with family, home - and you.

 

I get that, at this point in your life, you may be looking for more. You should understand, that's a separate issue from your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JohnnyNumber5]

No I haven't cheated. I've thought about it but yeah I couldn't. As for trying yes in my eyes it does seem like I'm putting in a lot of the effort. She waits for me to make decisions, she won't go out unless I'm with her usually and unless it's for the kids. She stays at home. When I ask for at date night she throws up at lot of excuses about getting the kids promptly to bed. Who's going to watch them. We have friends at lot done my parents all offered but she's refused.

 

From our 2nd and 3rd child they both individually slept in our bed. Easier to change and feed themy at middle of the night. I've synced my sleeping habits with hers in attempt to find sometime before and after the kids wake up and go to sleep the try and get some one on one's. Mornings too focused on getting things ready for the kids and evenings she passes out with the little one. I've spoken to her all that time how I felt we need each other's undivided attention at least an hour a night. I've asked what can I do to help? She always says" you work all day I got this"

 

Our conversations aren't deep. She can make small talk but whenever I try to talk about feelings and emotions she shuts down. I've tried leading by saying I feel hurt when you don't hug me back. You just sit there like a doll. Or I feel loved when you lay your head on my lap to watch some TV.

 

And then when it's her turn she just says I don't know or I guess. Frustrating. We've joined a marriage retreat the church we went to puts on. I shared with the men about how lacking our conversationsite are. Just like here Noone believed me. Until it came to a group. She would be fine answering simple questions like what does your husband like to eat.but ask a question about how she feels or what critiquing me she clamps down. I've even told her let me know. I can be dense but I love her that I will improve for our sake.

 

While I want more and yes perhaps that's all she wants but I want to be close but always feel so distant. Does she love me or just love being with me. She not affectionate and I don't expect her to ever to do a 180. But it would be nice to feel a bit of passion and intent in her. She's always so mechanical and too submissive that it feels cold and forced

[vla1120]

It sounds like she might be caught up in her motherly duties and not taking time for the two of you. Are you able to get away for a romantic night alone? (Or even better, a weekend?). My marriage had other problems that caused us to divorce, but one thing my 1st husband always complained about was that I wasn't affectionate. Maybe he used that as an excuse to cheat, multiple times, but I had children with him and I was in it for the long run. I had no intention of divorcing him because "the magic was gone". Love and lust fade, especially when you are taking care of family responsibilities every day. If you have a mutual respect for one another, if you can enjoy one another's company, that is half the battle. Try doing or saying something to make her feel beautiful and desired. Work on appreciating each other for what you bring to the family. Do whatever you can to ensure your children have the benefit of a stable, two-parent home.

[JohnnyNumber5]

It sounds like she might be caught up in her motherly duties and not taking time for the two of you. Are you able to get away for a romantic night alone? (Or even better, a weekend?). My marriage had other problems that caused us to divorce, but one thing my 1st husband always complained about was that I wasn't affectionate. Maybe he used that as an excuse to cheat, multiple times, but I had children with him and I was in it for the long run. I had no intention of divorcing him because "the magic was gone". Love and lust fade, especially when you are taking care of family responsibilities every day. If you have a mutual respect for one another, if you can enjoy one another's company, that is half the battle. Try doing or saying something to make her feel beautiful and desired. Work on appreciating each other for what you bring to the family. Do whatever you can to ensure your children have the benefit of a stable, two-parent home.

 

 

I have but she showed very little desire to go out. The couple times she did she was too busy checking in on the kids. I'm not going to cheat. It's getting to the point where I'd rather sleep in another room because it feels so crowded sleeping in a bed with my 22 mo. Old son and her. I want to I've offered to watch the kids so she could get out of the house for an hour or so. Go to a spa for herself. She doesn't want to. I even joked about maybe I should wear man diapers to get her attention and affection. She laughed and rolled her eyes. I never felt like she's taking my feelings seriously.

 

I know she's not a sex craved person. I've gotten that portion out of my system before we met. But it would be nice to feel wanted, desired , some resiprocated tenderness or at least a willing participant.i know there's something in her past she won't bring up. I have a feeling it's abuse. She won't talk about with me or seek professional help. I hit so many walls . And I know I've helped built so many more too from my own responses of outward frustration towards her. I wish I could be perfect but I can't. I feel like I can't share my disappointments because she wil feel less of herself. I've tried positive reinforcements, encouraged her to go to school, join a gym, get active in adult activities I'll watch the kids. No avail. I had given up for a while. We went to church and she became a little more socially active, but when the women in the church tried to build a deeper relationship with her she began to withdraw from them. Made up excuses for why she needed to stay home with the baby who as a slight runny nose. Or how weekend evening get together interferred with the kids school routines. Again, I wish I could say I was ultimately supportive but I was frustrated too. Withdrew a lot and just let her be. I lost hope and desire. Once in a while I'll try again. Each time with less effort. Now I feel like I've reached the end. I'd rather be alone then living with a stranger. The relationship has jaded me I don't think I'd want any kind of personal relationships anymore.

[vla1120]

I can say from experience that childhood trauma did have an adverse affect on my intimacy with my husband. If she understands how seriously in jeopardy your marriage is, will she go to counseling with you? I understand there is only so much you can do. I wish you best and I hope she realizes the seriousness of the situation before it is too late for your family.

 

I also want to add that something will make her hit a brick wall, too, and she will be forced to face her past one day. For me. There were two times, once when my oldest daughter turned 9 years old (my age when the abuse started) and I looked at her one day and just lost it, realizing I was that young when someone abused me, and I was blamed because I wore a flannel night gown in front of my abuser. What? The second time was when I learned my abuser was working at a church day care center. I put a stop to that by calling the pastor at that church. Your wife may one day have a similar devastating experience. I hope she has you to lean on when that time comes.

Edited December 13, 2016 by vla1120

[JohnnyNumber5]

I have resorted to a final ultimatum this weekend. I've given her several links on lack of sexual libido, abuse, post partum depression. I told her I'm serious I showed her printed divorce forms, took my wedding ring off. Told her she needs help, I need help, we both need help. There is no family if there's no us. I'm tired, lonely, and desperate. We shall see so far I have seen very little in change in her routineo behavior. Hasn't come up to me to ask for help to make an appointment or has initiated that herself . Don't know maybe she's still processing it. The shock maybe? Or maybe she just doesn't care. I just don't know how long to wait before acting. Again I don't expect a complete 180. A toe wiggle is enough just some sign of life will keep hope open for me.

[MJJean]

I have resorted to a final ultimatum this weekend. I've given her several links on lack of sexual libido, abuse, post partum depression. I told her I'm serious I showed her printed divorce forms, took my wedding ring off. Told her she needs help, I need help, we both need help. There is no family if there's no us. I'm tired, lonely, and desperate. We shall see so far I have seen very little in change in her routineo behavior. Hasn't come up to me to ask for help to make an appointment or has initiated that herself . Don't know maybe she's still processing it. The shock maybe? Or maybe she just doesn't care. I just don't know how long to wait before acting. Again I don't expect a complete 180. A toe wiggle is enough just some sign of life will keep hope open for me.

 

What you do is ACT. Don't wait. You've been waiting. You've been complaining. At this point, you're the boy who cried wolf. Either she doesn't care or she doesn't think you'll actually DO anything and are just blowing off steam. So, file the papers, make it real, and make the conditions of reconciling that she attend marital and individual counseling. If she refuses, or hems and haws, or goes to 1-2 sessions only, see the divorce through.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Johnny, is your wife a college graduate? Did she work before marriage? If so what kind of a job was she working at? Sexual abuse in her childhood is a very likely cause of her behaviour. Having read all that you have had to say I get the feeling that your wife had some deep seated psychological issues which need professional intervention. I do not know if you have heard of psychotherapy involving regression therapy but I think this may be of great value for her. If you wish to look into this then I would suggest that you Google Dr. Brian Weiss. Psychotherapy involving regression to an earlier period in one's life like childhood has been shown to be very therapeutic. Any traumatic event which may have occurred in one's life when a child is revisited under the influence of a hypnotic trance brought on by the psychotherapist( usually a highly qualified psychiatrist) who guides the patient through the whole process. This revisiting the incident under the influence of hypnosis has the effect of removing a psychological block which has been holding the person back from exhibiting his or her normal traits or personality and helps them break free of it's clutches. It may take two or three sittings to overcome such blocks. Sexual and physical abuse when one was very young and also fear psychosis instilled in a person when he/ she was a child are some of the conditions which have benefitted tremendously from this type of treatment.

 

If your wife won't do anything on her own you may have to take it upon yourself to pro actively get her to the doctor's chamber for an appointment. Even if it was not sexual or physical trauma that is causing her problem it may be something which is still beyond her capability to address. You would be doing both her and yourself a big favour by trying this as a last resort before you consider divorce. The fact is your wife may not be in a position to help herself and your intervention would be absolutely necessary and invaluable. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

[LilyMila]

Look up alexithymia. Does it sound like her? especially the constant "I don't know and I guess", and the lack of response when you try to connect.

[EveryWomanJ2911]

I am so sorry things have gotten to this point in your life that it hurts this much. It has to be really heartbreaking to see your loved one behave this way, having become so emotionally closed off that she can't be herself, even with you. It sounds like the children are her "safe zone" for functioning currently. They allow her a "safe space" of non-judgement, unlike adults, and they will continue to need her without posing a threat to her psyche...for now. Eventually though they will see that something is wrong, either through her stifling helicopter mom neediness, or through their observance of other healthy moms who don't behave as she does. So, its really for the best that she works with someone to help her heal from her past abuse. I would say that shutting out adults allows her comfort and control, so that she can protect herself from getting hurt in the same way again. Sometimes "its better to be numb to a victim than to risk going through a hellish ordeal again, even if it costs you everything" is their kind of mentality.

 

However, there is still hope for her. I would strongly encourage you to have her get a psych evaluation and a personal counselor. She needs to find someone she feels safe with, typically a female psychologist to female client situation is best as most abusers are men, unfortunately. Her behavior towards you leads me to believe this to be true in her case. I understand that its really difficult for you, but try not to take it personally when she has shut herself off. She has done it to survive, and she needs to learn to "shut it off" with you and others she can trust. She can learn this, but she needs professional assistance from a counselor who shares your family's beliefs. I personally would not allow someone to hypnotize an abuse victim as the trust issues would resurface and could cause a relapse, causing her to shut down/withdrawl even more from you, and her loved ones. I am hoping that the information below can provide you with many resources that are helpful to you. There are many resources out there and I believe that your wife can recover, and that as she heals, you two can have a loving and lasting marriage together.

 

~Prayers and Blessings Friend!

 

When You Need A Comforting Voice | A Listly List

[LargoLagg]

Why cheat and why threaten divorce? If she shows no signs of urgency, no signs of emotional connection, then maybe the first step is that you should simply announce your intention to seek a girlfriend with whom you can attain emotional fulfillment.

 

Her reaction would be quite informative, I would think.

[The_Onceler]

Why cheat and why threaten divorce? If she shows no signs of urgency, no signs of emotional connection, then maybe the first step is that you should simply announce your intention to seek a girlfriend with whom you can attain emotional fulfillment.

 

Her reaction would be quite informative, I would think.

 

I wouldn't advise that, based on my experience. In the past I had suggested to my ex that our lack of intimacy, and her basic refusal to even attempt to meet my sexual needs (i.e we had sex once every few months at most) - well, I pointed out that I was basically a sex-hostage. I was expected to be faithful, but she would not come anywhere NEAR to meeting my needs.

 

So, in desperation, I pointed out that perhaps I should look outside of our relationship in order to have those needs met. It was pure bluff - I didn't want to do that, I wanted her. She responded that she did not like the idea. However, it was not long before she had done exactly that.

 

D'oh!

[JohnnyNumber5]

Cheating was just a fantasy just like most men's fantasy of having a harem or being a super star. Divorce is the only respectable solution. Threatening to cheat is a bitter and spiteful action. I'm not spitefulnor bitter just lost hope and faith for us.

 

I am researching some of the and over mentioned issues she might have. I need to find a way to help her understand and perhaps helps her communicate that to her doctor so she can be referred to the proper therapist. Thanks for all the adcice