Should I leave him?

[Aria9]

Hello everyone!

This is my first time posting on this forum, and every advice is appreciated. I cannot talk to anyone about this, so I feel more comfortable sharing my story with strangers.

 

The story goes like this - I'm 23 years old, and I've been in a relationship and engaged with a 29-year old guy for a little over 2 years. We had met online and after seeing each other in person, we continued our LDR until I finally decided to move to Spain to live with him (I'm not Spanish, I live in another European country). This is my first serious relationship.

 

So, things have been going well. Normally, as every couple, we've had some fights (mainly caused by jealousy) sometimes, but we've always worked them out. I love him so much and he really treats me like a princess! We've been talking about marriage since the beginning of this year, and actually, we were supposed to marry this December or January!

 

I'm working in a place where we live. It's my first job, and it's not really what I want to do my whole life (I work at a nursery home, helping the old people and it's REALLY stressful). I have a university degree and I'm a laboratory engineer, so my wish is to work in that field! He's currently unemployed, which doesn't bother me as long as he's treating me well. So basically, I could say I'm putting up with this job just because I want to fight for our future. I could easily find a job that I like in my country, but I don't want to lose my fiance (he has trouble with visa and stuff, so he CAN'T come live in my country).

 

So, back to the main problem: Lately, whenever we argue about something, he's become very agressive towards me and he HITS ME in my face or arms, leaving me bruises. Or when there's a bottle of water, he spills it on me, tells me to shut up etc. This behaviour has happened a few times, starting this spring.

What made me start this thread is yesterday's fight. I came home exhausted from work, so I took a nap, without eating anything. Later when I woke up, we were supposed to go out shopping for groceries and eat something. I was hungry, and logically, a bit nervous, so I said "I don't know what to wear". I never imagined this would make him so nervous, he started insulting me and telling me he can't stand me anymore, telling me to shut up, and he slapped my face a few times. I was shocked, I just stayed in bed and went to sleep without eating anything.

 

What bothers me the most in these fights is the fact that he doesn't even understand how hard it is for me at work, and yet he's not appreciating what I'm doing for us at all.

 

My question is: Should I wait a few days to see if he apologises, or should I pack up my things and leave him, go to my country and my family? I KNOW I'm STUPID for even asking this, because the answer seems so obvious... But I really love this guy and I know when we're not fighting, I'm his princess. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do... I don't want to lose him, but at the same time, I need to show some self-respect and put MYSELF on the first place...

[PegNosePete]

Normally, as every couple, we've had some fights

It is my experience that whenever someone says this, they actually have far more fights than the proverbial "normal couple".

 

he's become very agressive towards me and he HITS ME in my face or arms, leaving me bruises.

Look, I didn't even bother reading beyond this.

 

He is abusive and violent.

 

This will get WORSE as the days, months and years go on.

 

Do you want to be an abused spouse who lives in danger of her life every day? Do you want to subject your kids to this kind of man as their dad?

 

Leave him TODAY. Go back to your country and get a good job doing what you love.

 

DO NOT STAY with this abusive jerk one more DAY!

[Aria9]

You're right. It's just that I'm afraid of letting him go. I'm very emotional and I don't know how I'll cope with the breakup. I'm afraid of being depressed, I've never suffered a real heartbreak until now It's gonna be hard to go back to my country and start all over... I'm afraid a lot and I would like to hear some experiences from people on this forum.

[PegNosePete]

Have you told your friends and family back home what he's like? I mean that he hits you, is physically abusive, etc? If not then that is a good start. TELL them. They will not laugh at you. Imagine your sister or daughter told you something like that. You would be totally supportive and do everything you could to help, right? That is how they will react if you tell them. They will all help you as much as you can. Don't be afraid to accept help.

[Aria9]

No, I haven't told them anything bad about him (yet). A part of me is afraid and I'm ashamed of what's happening to me. I always tell my family that everything's fine, because I don't want them to worry about me. I know if I told my parents that he hit me, they would suffer probably more than I do

 

I hate myself for being so weak! I always end up forgiving him, hoping things would get better. But then some silly argument comes along and he shows his worst side... He hasn't always been like that. I wish I could just turn back the time and live the happy moments, when everything was okay and we could solve problems with talking, not like this

[Zahara]

He hasn't always been like that. I wish I could just turn back the time and live the happy moments, when everything was okay and we could solve problems with talking, not like this

 

But he has -- he just never showed you that side. This is who he has been from all along. Don't fool yourself into thinking he suddenly became this way.

 

Read up on the cycle of abuse. It WILL NEVER get better. If you think you'll be depressed if you leave in, imagine the state you're going to be in after living years with an abusive partner.

 

And speaking from experience, the abuse will continue. And you will dwindle to nothing but an empty shell. Nothing can be worse than that.

[Aria9]

I've just read about the cycle of abuse, and it's completely accurate. It's describing exactly what's happening in my situation here.

I hope I'll show some courage and break up this toxic relationship. It's not worth it.

 

"Next time you'll show restraint

You don't get another chance

Life is no Nintendo game"

[Zahara]

I've just read about the cycle of abuse, and it's completely accurate. It's describing exactly what's happening in my situation here.

I hope I'll show some courage and break up this toxic relationship. It's not worth it.

 

"Next time you'll show restraint

You don't get another chance

Life is no Nintendo game"

 

Not hope, just do. Reach out to your parents and your friends. Tell them the truth. Seek their help to motivate you to remove yourself from a dead end situation. They need to intervene if you can't save yourself. Suffer the pain and you'll get to the other side. Stay with him and you'll end up broken indefinitely.

 

There is nothing that can be more painful than being with an abusive partner.

[GorillaTheater]

I hope I'll show some courage and break up this toxic relationship. It's not worth it.

 

 

"Hope" is not a plan, and a plan to exit this relationship is exactly what you need right now. Zahara is right, reach out to the people who love you for the help you're going to need.

 

 

I'm sorry, Aria.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, please get away from him.

 

Abusers are not violent 100% of the time. They often treat you like a queen one day, and the next they're roughing you up. That is not love. It's violence and it will get worse.

 

I have been in a similar situation, also in a foreign country. It was very hard for me to reconcile my so-called Prince Charming with the physically, verbally and emotionally abusive man that he is. I too coudln't believe I'd wound up in that situation, and my family and friends back home didn't know anything about it. I finally let him go, and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

 

Believe me when I say it is not going to get better. He almost certainly has always been this way; people don't randomly become violent. You are just learning about it now. Please protect yourself. He is not worth it. And though you love him, he doesn't love you. No, he really doesn't.

 

You have the courage to leave. You just first need to acknowledge the reality that he's a sh*thead. He's not the love of your life, and you can do a lot better than some clown who dares to put his hands on a woman in anger.

[Aria9]

Thank you guys, really. I appreciate all your advice and support. I'll do my best to get out of this situation as soon as possible. I have to sort out my mind and turn off the feelings that are often blocking me from seeing the real picture.

 

In the meantime, I would like people who share my experience to keep posting on this thread. It makes me realize I'm not alone in this. Thanks!

[Zahara]

Thank you guys, really. I appreciate all your advice and support. I'll do my best to get out of this situation as soon as possible. I have to sort out my mind and turn off the feelings that are often blocking me from seeing the real picture.

 

In the meantime, I would like people who share my experience to keep posting on this thread. It makes me realize I'm not alone in this. Thanks!

 

You can't sort out your mind when you're knee deep in a situation that has you crippled. You cannot "block" out your feelings from seeing the real picture for as long as you stay in your situation.

 

The only way you get to sorting your mind and detaching emotionally is to walk away. Once you do that, you'll start that journey.

 

But for as long as you keep saying I'll try, I hope, I'll do my best, etc., which comes from denial and avoidance, you'll keep making excuses to stay.

 

And no, you don't love this guy. You're co-dependent. Your self-esteem is broken. No woman with self-respect is going to overlook abuse.

 

You're 23. I'm twice your age and having experienced abuse, I'm going to tell you to inform your parents and your friends and have them remove you from your situation as soon as possible. There is no more waiting. There is no more trying to make it work. Don't waste your years on someone that has no love or respect for you. This is a dangerous situation -- I've seen when an abuser snaps. It can be deadly.

 

I'm not sure how to make you see that abuse should NEVER be tolerated. The fact that you were even asking if you should wait for him to apologize is very telling as to the state of your mind. One day he may just hit you so hard, that you may never wake up.

 

You don't want to lose him? Someone who beats you? This isn't love.

Edited December 12, 2016 by Zahara

[AT15]

My goodness. Please leave this situation. He is an abuser. You should NOT be supporting a man 6 years older than you! Are you kidding me? And to add insult to injury, he is abusing you.

 

He set you up. He knew you were young and naive. He knows, you're living in your heart because you don't have the life experience and the wisdom.

 

I'm in my late 30s, had two emotionally, no 3 emotionally abusive dicks, and I REGRET not leaving the moment, the VERY SECOND they disrespected me. Duck Love. Love doesn't have anything to do with it. One day, when you heal, you will understand love does not hurt. Manipulation hurts. Lies hurt. Cheating hurts. Disloyalty hurts. But, love? Love is peace and honesty, and trust, and calling out the best and highest qualities in someone.

 

He is breaking you down, so you won't leave him. So, you think his word is God. Trust me. He us an insecure man. Don't stay. Your life will pass you by.

Edited December 13, 2016 by AT15

[amaysngrace]

In the meantime, I would like people who share my experience to keep posting on this thread. It makes me realize I'm not alone in this. Thanks!

 

Please don't let him know that you're planning to leave him. That is something that you should be keeping 100% to yourself to give you the best chance of leaving him safely.

 

Can you open up a mailbox that he doesn't know about so that you can have private correspondence with your family if you're relying on their help?

[ExpatInItaly]

Please don't let him know that you're planning to leave him. That is something that you should be keeping 100% to yourself to give you the best chance of leaving him safely.

 

Can you open up a mailbox that he doesn't know about so that you can have private correspondence with your family if you're relying on their help?

 

Exactly this.

 

OP, you need to get physical distance from him first and foremost. Don't tell him where you are going.

 

Once you are away from him physically, you will begin to detach emotionally. It won't happen the other way around. I was fortunate enough to have my own place while I was dating my abusive ex, so I got the physical space I needed any time I wanted. But it took a concerted and sustained effort on my part to keep from engaging with him.

 

Please, begin making plans to leave. Inform your family about what is happening. I know it's very hard, but they will probably be able to help you tremendously. Clear any computer searches for alternate accommodations, change your email passwords - do everything you have to do so as not to leave any hint for your boyfriend that you are looking at finding a way out.

 

He is a danger to you. Please believe me.

[Aria9]

@Zahara: You're completely right. My self-esteem is broken, and I realize I'm co-dependent. It's like my mood depends EXCLUSIVELY on his mood - for example, when he gets nervous about something, he prefers not to talk to anyone and just take his time off. But in these cases, I start to imagine scenes in my head that if he doesn't want to talk, he must be mad at me for something I did (although it's NOT true), and I get in a bad mood as well. It's my first real relationship and love so I guess I'm really blinded by him.

 

@AT15: Thanks a lot for your words, I really need support like this in order to get back to reality and see the kind of person he really is! I may have been silly and naive to tolerate all the bulls*it, but I have my limits and I decided to put an end to it.

 

@amaysngrace: Yes, I can contact my family without problems, because he doesn't speak my mother language so he won't understand anything.

 

@ExpatInItaly: I agree, I think it would be far more easier for me if I didn't live with him at the same apartment. I'm thinking of how should I organize everything... I'm afraid of his reaction when he sees me packing up my things. Should I leave directly to my country, or find some temporary place to stay at until they pay me at the job for this month?

[Zahara]

I agree, I think it would be far more easier for me if I didn't live with him at the same apartment. I'm thinking of how should I organize everything... I'm afraid of his reaction when he sees me packing up my things. Should I leave directly to my country, or find some temporary place to stay at until they pay me at the job for this month?

 

Personally, I'd put aside material possessions. When he is scheduled to be out of the home, take what you absolutely need i.e. whatever clothes you can pack in a bag and your important documents. The rest means nothing.

 

And you should immediately go home to your family and be around people that support and love you. People that can protect you. People who will help you grieve through this. You don't want to be in close vicinity of this man, just in case he's able to find you or rope you back in again. Or you weakening and going back to him.

 

Get as far away from him as possible.

 

Cut the cord. Clean break. New beginnings. Go home.

[LargoLagg]

Hello everyone!

This is my first time posting on this forum, and every advice is appreciated. I cannot talk to anyone about this, so I feel more comfortable sharing my story with strangers.

 

The story goes like this - I'm 23 years old, and I've been in a relationship and engaged with a 29-year old guy for a little over 2 years. We had met online and after seeing each other in person, we continued our LDR until I finally decided to move to Spain to live with him (I'm not Spanish, I live in another European country). This is my first serious relationship.

 

So, things have been going well. Normally, as every couple, we've had some fights (mainly caused by jealousy) sometimes, but we've always worked them out. I love him so much and he really treats me like a princess! We've been talking about marriage since the beginning of this year, and actually, we were supposed to marry this December or January!

 

I'm working in a place where we live. It's my first job, and it's not really what I want to do my whole life (I work at a nursery home, helping the old people and it's REALLY stressful). I have a university degree and I'm a laboratory engineer, so my wish is to work in that field! He's currently unemployed, which doesn't bother me as long as he's treating me well. So basically, I could say I'm putting up with this job just because I want to fight for our future. I could easily find a job that I like in my country, but I don't want to lose my fiance (he has trouble with visa and stuff, so he CAN'T come live in my country).

 

So, back to the main problem: Lately, whenever we argue about something, he's become very agressive towards me and he HITS ME in my face or arms, leaving me bruises. Or when there's a bottle of water, he spills it on me, tells me to shut up etc. This behaviour has happened a few times, starting this spring.

What made me start this thread is yesterday's fight. I came home exhausted from work, so I took a nap, without eating anything. Later when I woke up, we were supposed to go out shopping for groceries and eat something. I was hungry, and logically, a bit nervous, so I said "I don't know what to wear". I never imagined this would make him so nervous, he started insulting me and telling me he can't stand me anymore, telling me to shut up, and he slapped my face a few times. I was shocked, I just stayed in bed and went to sleep without eating anything.

 

What bothers me the most in these fights is the fact that he doesn't even understand how hard it is for me at work, and yet he's not appreciating what I'm doing for us at all.

 

My question is: Should I wait a few days to see if he apologises, or should I pack up my things and leave him, go to my country and my family? I KNOW I'm STUPID for even asking this, because the answer seems so obvious... But I really love this guy and I know when we're not fighting, I'm his princess. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do... I don't want to lose him, but at the same time, I need to show some self-respect and put MYSELF on the first place...

You're not confused. You're in denial, and he must have slapped the self-respect right out of you. What would you tell any other human being in the world who came to you with this story?

[VeveCakes]

Leave NOW.

 

You will NEVER regret leaving.

 

You will regret staying.

[Jersey born raised]

Vevecake simple statement says it all. Everything else is just denial.

 

Other's actions do not define us, our reaction to their actions defines us. Do you believe it is understandable if a man beats a woman? Do you accept he is right to beat you? Are you the type of woman who accepts being beating?

 

If not: leave now

[CelticGibson]

The moment he raised his hand to you, this relationship perished. Go. Leave and never look back. Do it when he's not around. Pack your things and move.

 

End of story. Best of luck

[ohleahmarie]

Please leave. So many women end up dead after situations that started just like this.

 

Get out and then let us know you're safe. Don't look back.

[Aria9]

I've decided, I'm leaving for my country next week. I told my family I'm returning because of the fights I had with fiance ultimately, but I still didn't want to tell them about the abuse. I don't want them to worry before I come home.

I've let my boss know I'm leaving, and it's fine.

 

My mental and physical health is more important than anything. Thanks to each one of you who helped me with advice, I really appreciate it! I'll let you know what happens next and when I arrive home.

[BluEyeL]

Good luck and good for you for being brave and keeping yourself safe! Do let us know when you get home safe! You will find someone else much better!

[Aria9]

I just booked a flight for Monday. I'm having a breakdown, I can't believe I'm leaving. I'm having mixed emotions right now. I'm happy I'm finally going to see my family, but at the same time I'm sad because my heart still loves this guy, although I know he hasn't been fair to me at all. But when will this sadness pass? I've never went through a real breakup, and it's so difficult.

 

When it was going good, it was really amazing being with him! First year and a half were a dream, and now in the past 4-5 months the things were rough often, we would fight for stupid things - all because of our nervousness, his unemployment, my job that I didn't like, etc. And it ended up like this...