Maliel Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 How would you handle a situation where your boyfriend of 3+ years had a long term female friend that didn't like you? I tried being friends with his friend and spoke with him about setting healthy boundaries a long time ago, which he did but, it appears she is not happy with those boundaries at this point. I'll admit the boundaries are somewhat strict as he admitted a couple years ago that he would have considered dating her if she lived closer, which has made me feel super uncomfortable ever since; it isn't a friend if there's physical attraction there. Perhaps she feels like she can't be friends with him because of some of the boundaries. I honestly feel bad, it feels like those boundaries are the only thing that helps me coexist with a 'friendship' like that. I know people aren't going to love everyone but, it definitely feels weird having a friend of your significant other dislike you. I've apologized to her and attempted to talk to her but lately she has ignored me. I don't want to bring it up with my boyfriend and put him in the middle, especially since he obviously couldn't change her mind anyway. This whole thing is just a cluster****, i've never been in this situation before and I just feel bad. How would you handle this? Should I just ignore it? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Me personally wouldn't date someone that had a friend like that, especially one so close that was a love interest. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. This IS something you need to discuss with your BF....he needs to man up and ask this friend to learn to be respectful because it is someone that he is sharing his life with. Maybe she just needs to go away and find her own BF. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 No no no. Firstly what exactly are these boundaries she's not happy with and that she's essentially making him choose between you and her? Also a long term friendship with romantic/sexual attachments, she doesn't want you as a friend because you're competition, some people can hide it (sociopaths) and others can't, it seems like she cant, which is good for you so you know where she stands. Don't feel bad, this is more on her than you. She's not accepting the boundaries, won't talk to you, is putting pressure on him, y'all bending backwards to accommodate this chick. Stop. ..and if he starts to defend her or over steps said set boundaries then he's got to go because she will always be around and you don't want three people in the relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Karma24 Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 He'd have to choose between her or me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gorf Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 How would you handle a situation where your boyfriend of 3+ years had a long term female friend that didn't like you? I tried being friends with his friend and spoke with him about setting healthy boundaries a long time ago, which he did but, it appears she is not happy with those boundaries at this point. I'll admit the boundaries are somewhat strict as he admitted a couple years ago that he would have considered dating her if she lived closer, which has made me feel super uncomfortable ever since; it isn't a friend if there's physical attraction there. Perhaps she feels like she can't be friends with him because of some of the boundaries. I honestly feel bad, it feels like those boundaries are the only thing that helps me coexist with a 'friendship' like that. I know people aren't going to love everyone but, it definitely feels weird having a friend of your significant other dislike you. I've apologized to her and attempted to talk to her but lately she has ignored me. I don't want to bring it up with my boyfriend and put him in the middle, especially since he obviously couldn't change her mind anyway. This whole thing is just a cluster****, i've never been in this situation before and I just feel bad. How would you handle this? Should I just ignore it? I agree, you are competition to her. She is a best friend, someone he would have dated. She is there for him, she understands him, she is like borderline girlfriend without the girlfriend label. Kinda like a 1/2 girlfriend. Now you come along, and you are supposed to take her place as the woman who is there for him, understands him, is that phone call or hug when he needs it. You know, all the normal stuff. Its not her anymore. She doesnt like that. So she doesnt like you. Well...... tough. She AND he need to respect the boundaries of an opposite sex friend when a relationship starts, especially someone he even considered dating. Especially. If he cant, hes not ready for a relationship. If she cant, then she has no respect for boundaries or other peoples happiness and well being. Neither are on you, all you have to do is state the boundaries, that are reasonable, that YOU want, and if he cannot go along with it, find a guy who can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 (edited) How would you handle a situation where your boyfriend of 3+ years had a long term female friend that didn't like you? I tried being friends with his friend and spoke with him about setting healthy boundaries a long time ago, which he did but, it appears she is not happy with those boundaries at this point. I'll admit the boundaries are somewhat strict as he admitted a couple years ago that he would have considered dating her if she lived closer, which has made me feel super uncomfortable ever since; it isn't a friend if there's physical attraction there. Perhaps she feels like she can't be friends with him because of some of the boundaries. I honestly feel bad, it feels like those boundaries are the only thing that helps me coexist with a 'friendship' like that. I know people aren't going to love everyone but, it definitely feels weird having a friend of your significant other dislike you. I've apologized to her and attempted to talk to her but lately she has ignored me. I don't want to bring it up with my boyfriend and put him in the middle, especially since he obviously couldn't change her mind anyway. This whole thing is just a cluster****, i've never been in this situation before and I just feel bad. How would you handle this? Should I just ignore it? You are dating him, not her. She is insignificant. However, Dating for over 3 years is considering a life together. Obviously your opinion at this point would pretty much count here,not hers. The fact that this has remained an issue in your relationship means that your bf is just fine keeping the status quo and sitting on the fence because he is allowed to. So lay down the law. Either you, or his friend You've dealt with this for far too long. Anything other than an instant "yes, I'll take you" would be grounds for dismissing him from the relationship. I sure as hell would not put up with it if my GF pulled that on me. I'd move on quickly, but that's just me.. Edited December 15, 2016 by Space Ritual 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carolann Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 How would you handle a situation where your boyfriend of 3+ years had a long term female friend that didn't like you? I tried being friends with his friend and spoke with him about setting healthy boundaries a long time ago, which he did but, it appears she is not happy with those boundaries at this point. I'll admit the boundaries are somewhat strict as he admitted a couple years ago that he would have considered dating her if she lived closer, which has made me feel super uncomfortable ever since; it isn't a friend if there's physical attraction there. Perhaps she feels like she can't be friends with him because of some of the boundaries. I honestly feel bad, it feels like those boundaries are the only thing that helps me coexist with a 'friendship' like that. I know people aren't going to love everyone but, it definitely feels weird having a friend of your significant other dislike you. I've apologized to her and attempted to talk to her but lately she has ignored me. I don't want to bring it up with my boyfriend and put him in the middle, especially since he obviously couldn't change her mind anyway. This whole thing is just a cluster****, i've never been in this situation before and I just feel bad. How would you handle this? Should I just ignore it? My husband used to have a female friend that didn't understand appropriate boundaries. She was fine until we became engaged and even worse once we got married. The final straw for my husband was when she became dismissive with me and he cut ties with her. They were friends for 10 years and I felt terrible that my husband lost a friend, but I couldn't help feeling uncomfortable with the friendship because I knew this woman at the very least wanted my husband to be an orbiter. Our marriage was more important to my husband and he knew it was the right thing to do. After 3 years together, you should be the priority and any friend, male or female, should be respectful to you and the relationship. If they aren't it's up to your BF to set things right or end the friendship. If he isn't willing to do either with this girl then you should kick him to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
gulfball Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 Hi Maliel, I've had to deal with a couple women like this in my current relationship, so I know how it can get under your skin. I've been exactly in the same boat (worrying that I'm going to be the cause of a friend break up) but you're not doing anything wrong. If your boyfriend breaks ties with this girl (as he should because she is being mean to you, the woman he loves!) it has nothing to do with you. If anything, you are saving him from being stuck in a relationship with a horrible, destructive, childish, manipulative, obsessive person. You are only bring out her true colors, the colors that your boyfriend would have never seen if it hadn't been for you. Stay strong and keep reminding yourself that none of this girl's problems have anything to do with you! And that if your boyfriend cuts ties with her, then it's a good thing. I'm so fed up with women like this...they need to find boyfriends of their own and realize that they can't keep people under their thumbs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts