Once a cheater always a cheater?

[caveman621]

I'm sure something like this has been asked many times. My GF is great, but some of her history gives me pause. These things happened many years ago, so I'm sure she has changed. But does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Since it was so long ago I shouldn't worry, right? Or should i?

 

In college she had a couple weeks where she had to be out of one apartment before she could move into another. A female friend of hers who was going to be away during this period volunteered that her boyfriend had and extra room so my GF was welcomed to stay there a couple of weeks. So this friend obviously trusted my GF and her BF. My GF slept with the guy.

 

My GF carried on a two year affair with a married man. My GF was not married at the time (although I also know she cheated on her husband). She told me this guy also had five kids, but was at the bar every night. Doesn't sound like a great guy.

 

Thoughts?

[Davey L]

I don't believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater" thing any more than saying anybody who has ever done something wrong once will continue to do that wrong thing again and again.

 

However in this case it appears to have been an ongoing pattern of behaviour so I'd be very wary unless it was a long time ago and nothing like that has happened in many years.

[Satu]

As stated above.

 

 

Take care.

[LostOnes05]

I believe in patterns and she certainly has a pattern of cheating. I made that mistake believing that it was in the past and was lied to, cheated on, etc. It's really not worth the trouble. You'll just be another ex that she cheated on and says it's in the past

[road]

Dump this GF.

[CommittedToThis]

(assumes Dr. Phil voice, which I can pull off convincingly):

 

"Past actions predict future behaviors."

 

Next!

[lolablue17]

There isn't any rule about it. But the first time to cross the line is the hardest one, when there's maximum dilemma, fear and guilt. After the first time, it's easier.

 

I believe that when it's easier, it usualy happens.

[CommittedToThis]

If someone's never done heroin it's likely they wont, whereas if they have...you know the drill.

[drifter777]

She's a serial cheater, and they never change. They just get better at lying...

 

 

Play with her if you like but don't expect her to ever commit no matter what she says...

[breakupthrowaway663]

Tread carefully.

 

I just got cheated on in a 10 month relationship. She lovebombed me and said she was committed the whole way. She said so many things and acted in so many ways that I never thought to let her past impact us. I was apparently "different". In a sense, I was. Her ex's were people I knew and not good people.

 

But I was wrong. She cheated on two men before me and I was just strike 3.

 

One month before the break-up she met someone. Two weeks later she calls me about having doubts, etc. We make up. Everything was fine but one day I sat her down and the whole last month ended up being a big fat lie. There isn't even anything particularly special about this person either.

 

I'm sorry but you're best not becoming vulnerable with these people. I don't understand how their mind works, especially because they lovebomb. But they will revert back to old habits in time.

[frus69]

"Once" a cheater or twice/serial cheater?

 

 

Big difference

[Darren Steez]

I'm sure something like this has been asked many times. My GF is great, but some of her history gives me pause. These things happened many years ago, so I'm sure she has changed. But does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Since it was so long ago I shouldn't worry, right? Or should i?

 

In college she had a couple weeks where she had to be out of one apartment before she could move into another. A female friend of hers who was going to be away during this period volunteered that her boyfriend had and extra room so my GF was welcomed to stay there a couple of weeks. So this friend obviously trusted my GF and her BF. My GF slept with the guy.

 

My GF carried on a two year affair with a married man. My GF was not married at the time (although I also know she cheated on her husband). She told me this guy also had five kids, but was at the bar every night. Doesn't sound like a great guy.

 

Thoughts?

 

These are what are called red flags. So she had no trouble betraying her female friend but even worse a 2 year affair with a MM? I'm betting at that time she wasn't exactly single either.

Someone said it's a pattern of behavior, I'd go one further it's a pattern of her character and the choices she makes, not just cheating but morally, betraying her friend and the wife with five kids.

 

You say she's changed? How?

 

In college, the married man and then she cheated while she was married!?

 

Every person believes they are special and that they will be different from the people that got cheated on.

 

You know what the red flags are, you ignore them, that's on you.

You have been warned.

[PegNosePete]

You're asking if "once a cheater always a cheater" but shouldn't you be asking "three times a cheater always a cheater?"

 

If it was just the first incident then I would be inclined to say it was a long time and, she was young and foolish. But the pattern seems to have stuck with her into her adult years.

 

If she had some pretty deep revelations and life wisdom that she learned from it, then maybe give her a chance to prove she's changed. But if she just fobs it off with well it was a long time ago bla bla, then I would say there's a very high risk of it recurring again.

[Space Ritual]

I'm sure something like this has been asked many times. My GF is great, but some of her history gives me pause. These things happened many years ago, so I'm sure she has changed. But does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Since it was so long ago I shouldn't worry, right? Or should i?

 

In college she had a couple weeks where she had to be out of one apartment before she could move into another. A female friend of hers who was going to be away during this period volunteered that her boyfriend had and extra room so my GF was welcomed to stay there a couple of weeks. So this friend obviously trusted my GF and her BF. My GF slept with the guy.

 

My GF carried on a two year affair with a married man. My GF was not married at the time (although I also know she cheated on her husband). She told me this guy also had five kids, but was at the bar every night. Doesn't sound like a great guy.

 

Thoughts?

 

Yikes, Caveman!

 

I am of not of the belief that cheater can't turn into a safe partner. It is just that the amount of work on oneself is more often than not too daunting a task. The cheater has to do the heavy lifting to make themselves somewhat trustworthy again

 

That is not impossible, just usually improbable.

 

You see, in order for a cheater to do that work on themselves, they must understand that there are no guarantees. And that at any time their partner is well within their right to say "You know what? I know you have done a lot of hard work, but I just can't get over it."

 

Sometimes infidelity is a deal breaker, and sometimes that deal breaker is delayed by months, in fact sometimes many years.

 

Again, my point is that the work necessary to make themselves safe for a relationship is usually not going to happen. Simply because again, there are no guarantees.

 

In your case , however, I feel the answer is quite simple.

 

Past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior. Being that your GF seems not only to have a penchant to partake in the behavior by her past actions, but from the way you write, the details seem to be something sh not only has any personal remorse about, but in fact relishes.

 

I gotta tell you, if my GF gave me a fraction of the account of infidelity that your GF has, I would tell her I was going to the store for a pack of smokes and never go back.

 

The fact that you are asking this question, makes me think you already know the answer. And that is ok. Some people just do not want to risk being with someone with as poor a track record as your gf has.

 

But again, we can only speak from experience. I would really think about going to the store after you read this if I were you, never to return to her.

 

Good Luck

[Space Ritual]

She told me this guy also had five kids, but was at the bar every night. Doesn't sound like a great guy.

 

I would just like to point out to you that sure, maybe he had Five Kids and was at the bar every night, but that didn't stop her from having a Long term affair with him now did it?

 

 

I will try to be as diplomatic as I can here, but you do realize that your argument to yourself concerning staying with her kind of makes the scales fall from your eyes a bit when you read what you wrote a few times over and over to let that last little bit sink in, know what mean?

 

I see alot of guys like you come here. You want something, n fact anything anyone here can say that you can hold onto like grim death to make you throw caution to the wind and take a long term plunge with this girl.

 

She must be incredibly good looking or very good in bed. Usually us guys will put that in the pro staying column all by itself when every other indicator tells us to run screaming.

 

I hope if she rips your heart out and stomps on it you don't apologize for bleeding on her shirt.

[Marc878]

Be honest from this. Not relationship material

[ashy555]

Mate... She cheated on her husband. Then also slept with her friends husband (who has 5 kids) for two years knowing it was wrong?! This girl lacks some serious respect for herself and others. May also suffer from extremely low self esteem. I am not you but knowing this kind of thing would turn me right off.

 

I also have an ex friend who cheated on her husband multiple times. Mainly with married men. For her it was about excitement and 'the grass is always greener'

 

Be careful. Some people don't change.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I would just like to point out to you that sure, maybe he had Five Kids and was at the bar every night, but that didn't stop her from having a Long term affair with him now did it?[/Quote]

 

Ah, yes, watch out for this "Why?" trap. In my story she said she disliked Navy boys, wouldn't date anyone under 23, blah blah this and that about me.

 

Guess who she cheated on me with? A half as good looking 21 year old Navy boy with half as many prospects as me. Don't let your ego get in the way like I let it do to me. There is no rationality behind cheaters most the time. It's fantasy. In their heads they are something they are not.

 

Mate... She cheated on her husband. Then also slept with her friends husband (who has 5 kids) for two years knowing it was wrong?! This girl lacks some serious respect for herself and others. May also suffer from extremely low self esteem. I am not you but knowing this kind of thing would turn me right off.

 

I also have an ex friend who cheated on her husband multiple times. Mainly with married men. For her it was about excitement and 'the grass is always greener'

 

Be careful. Some people don't change.

 

Throwing away 1,500,000 minutes of a relationships for 30-40 minutes of fun. I'll never get it. That better be one damn good high.

[SaltAndLight]

I personally don't agree with the "once a..., always a...." theory. I know people that have been on both sides of that fence ans honestly, you just can never 100% know what someone would or wouldn't do. Truth be told, its all choices we make. Now, what I will say is that if you are going to have a fruitful relationship, you must have trust. Since you have decided to still date her knowing all her history, then continue to date her until/unless she gives you a reason not to in your own relationship, not based on any previous relationships she has been in.

[Superchicken]

Well, I'm normally a person who crucifies cheaters, regardless of reason.

 

 

However, up until recently, I read a few posts from both sides (Men and women) which makes me want to disassociate the "Hard line" cheaters to those that were just "Love, lost".

To me, hard line cheaters are the ones that do it just for the thrill, and self gratification.

The Love, lost, are the ones that cant seem to find the "Total" love package.

Like love, friendship, companionship, blah, blah. So when something is missing within their relationship, and of course, just like a Bagdad bizarre, stacks of men selling the missing "Trinkets", become the focus point and attention moves to them.

 

 

See which one she falls into, and make a decision to either fix your relationship, or give her the one way ticket to "Hellsville".

 

 

Ted.

[fenix]

I think a person can change, an alcoholic can become a sober responsible person and a cheater can become a trust worthy person but not just like that. Cheating is a flaw in the character of a person, a person who allow him/her self to do that to their partner is broken and needs to be fixed with a lot of introspection and the help of a good Individual Counselor. To stop being a cheater you first need to know why you cheated, what made you think that the cheating option was a good choice? Which are your values? Is integrity important for you?

 

Once a cheater has found his/her self and realized about the ugly truth about their character they can begin to heal and become not who they were but who they wanted to be.

 

It is not an easy road and I don't think your girlfriend has been in there... but maybe I am wrong.