Destabilization Phase - part II

[Lostgirl186]

Many of you on here know my story, and that my exMM is one of the worst kinds..many on again off again.. But we've always talked again within a few days.. About three weeks ago I realized he had up and blocked me. I confronted him and the only explanation I have gotten is that management may have a clue, yet he couldn't tell me why he thought that.. And that he didn't ant to hurt his family, church, or reputation in the community. He was really cold about it.. And hadn't spoken a word to me since. I respect that he doesn't want to hurt family etc.. But I think the management knows excuse is a cop out. He couldn't tell me anything that would have given him that idea. He had cut off any contact with me and doesn't so much as wave at me on the road. I have ok days, but mostly had days. I should be used to being hurt by him, and i know it had to end at some time. But I am so damn hurt. He wasn't even going to give me an explanation he was just going to disappear after two and a half years. He doesn't even hurt. I guess I'm just venting and hoping it's going to get easier. Those of you who know my story know we've never gone this long without talking. And I have to be at an event with him tonight.

[imsosad]

Lostgirl, so sorry you're hurting.

I think expecting to feel better in three weeks' time is an unrealistic expectation.

You have so mch to process mentally, sort out your thoughts and gain insight in the entire affair. That is just your mind! Your heart needs time to heal, you need time to adjust and sync your thoughts and feelings.

There is no instant relief here, or a shortcut to feeling better. You have to walk the walk. It will not be easy, but you will make it. Take the time limit pressure off yourself. You will heal eventually but it's impossible to predict a timeline. As long as you are NC and processing, you are moving forward.

It seems the affair ended abruptly, and that it came as a shock to you. That in itself takes time to register.

Take your time, be easy on yourself, you will get there.

[Chica80]

Hi LOST

 

I know your story. We started posting about the same time.

Please know I'm not being hurtful or judgemental.....but you are in this position because you allow yourself to be in this position.

 

He does what he does because you let him get away with it. You're husband is hurtful to you, your marriage is painful. You turn to this man because you expect him to save you from this pain. BUT he CAN'T. He never will. HE treats you like garbage to be discarded whenever he pleases, and you go back. All the time.

 

He blames you for everything. For the A. It's your fault...you seduced him....He takes no accountability for his actions at all.

 

I know it doesn't feel like it but this is a gift. Move on from this awful man. Get into IC!!!! He needs you to feed his ego, to have someone to ***t all over when he wants. What is it that you get out of this? There's a reason why you stay why you keep going back. Figure that out instead of what is going on in his head.

 

If you must go to the function.....go, look fabulous, smile laugh and completely ignore him!

And start to take this time to heal and get on a better path.

 

((((((LOTS of hugs))))))))

[Lostgirl186]

Everything you say is exactly right. It's really hit me hard over the last week- that and realizing it's actually done this time.. I guess I thought he would come back like he always does, and when he didn't, I really processed how sh***y he makes me feel and treats me, and I'm full of anger and shame for letting it happen, and having feelings for someone like that. I no longer have the fear he will try to contact me, or weasel his way back in once I start feeling better. I've realized he's gone, now I just have to work on getting me back to being me.

 

 

Hi LOST

 

I know your story. We started posting about the same time.

Please know I'm not being hurtful or judgemental.....but you are in this position because you allow yourself to be in this position.

 

He does what he does because you let him get away with it. You're husband is hurtful to you, your marriage is painful. You turn to this man because you expect him to save you from this pain. BUT he CAN'T. He never will. HE treats you like garbage to be discarded whenever he pleases, and you go back. All the time.

 

He blames you for everything. For the A. It's your fault...you seduced him....He takes no accountability for his actions at all.

 

I know it doesn't feel like it but this is a gift. Move on from this awful man. Get into IC!!!! He needs you to feed his ego, to have someone to ***t all over when he wants. What is it that you get out of this? There's a reason why you stay why you keep going back. Figure that out instead of what is going on in his head.

 

If you must go to the function.....go, look fabulous, smile laugh and completely ignore him!

And start to take this time to heal and get on a better path.

 

((((((LOTS of hugs))))))))

[Chica80]

Everything you say is exactly right. It's really hit me hard over the last week- that and realizing it's actually done this time.. I guess I thought he would come back like he always does, and when he didn't, I really processed how sh***y he makes me feel and treats me, and I'm full of anger and shame for letting it happen, and having feelings for someone like that. I no longer have the fear he will try to contact me, or weasel his way back in once I start feeling better. I've realized he's gone, now I just have to work on getting me back to being me.

 

I'm glad......you deserve so much more.

[Satu]

When it comes to these men, make your default setting, *believe nothing they say,* including what the time is, and what the weather is like outside.

 

They will say literally anything that furthers their purpose in the moment.

 

Keep the NC going as strictly as you can, and you will make progress and start to feel better.

 

 

Take care.

[Lostgirl186]

I guess he gave me a blessing in disguise by blocking me and keeping me blocked for three weeks.I've proven I can't trust myself with no contact, and not having a choice in the matter, has got to help me get over it, right? There's no way to avoid him completely- we work for the same organization, different departments and locations, so occasionally I'm going to run into him, like tonight, and it kills me, but we don't talk- didn't in public even before he blocked me. I pass him almost every morning- and that kills me too, but there is no alternate route to take. One day at a time I guess.

[Lostgirl186]

Hey guys and girls.. Used the title of the old thread to catch your attention. I just wanted to update and get updates from you all. Maybe a little advice if your willing to offer. Not going to repost story, but to update 5 weeks ago MM blocked me, and hasn't spoken to me sense. No waving as we pass. Nothing. I have gone thru withdrawal, depression, etc. now I'm just numb and can't seem to control my crying. I am on medication now to hopefully help pull me out. But I feel like I'm drowning. The reality hit that he's not coming back this time. Any advice on how to feel human again?Midnight, sunshine, Ronnie and all you others, how are you all doing?

[Chica80]

Hi LOST...

 

I'm sorry you are in such pain, this is good for you NC. It may not feel that way. But it is. Have you thought about IC. Or started it. You are stuck it seems like in a bad place all around. He was not the answer to what you needed.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/605443-yes-we-really-high-school

 

I put a link to my update. I don't know if I did it right?

Don't stop posting...

 

((((((Hugs))))))

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hey guys and girls.. Used the title of the old thread to catch your attention. I just wanted to update and get updates from you all. Maybe a little advice if your willing to offer. Not going to repost story, but to update 5 weeks ago MM blocked me, and hasn't spoken to me sense. No waving as we pass. Nothing. I have gone thru withdrawal, depression, etc. now I'm just numb and can't seem to control my crying. I am on medication now to hopefully help pull me out. But I feel like I'm drowning. The reality hit that he's not coming back this time. Any advice on how to feel human again?Midnight, sunshine, Ronnie and all you others, how are you all doing?

 

Ronnie disappeared a while ago. I have no idea if she lurks.

 

I feel like it's hard to imagine you are not familiar with my status, I feel like I post a lot, lol. But basically it's been almost a year since it ended and it's been 2 weeks since xmm's last day at our group. His wife busted into his phone in late October and discovered he had lied to her about the details of our A in 2015 and that he had been lying to her all 2016. She said he was tormenting me and removed him from the entire organization. So he's gone and that is that.

 

I understand what you mean about reality hitting. It is very odd to know you will never see or hear from someone again. I was not in a good place the last two weeks but I am working hard on letting go completely. At this point it is like a virus in my mind and I just want it out.

 

I tried meds, they really didn't work. I tried a lot of things. I'm trying Hypnosis now, to stop the obsessive thoughts. I can't afford a real live person so I bought this electronic file. You listen to it daily. People quit smoking from these things so I thought, why not? Maybe I can quit a person. It's actually working some. I've stopped obsessively checking my email and social media and I find I am not really thinking about him as much. So we'll see.

 

For you, I'm proof that it is next to impossible to get over someone while you have to see them. It just can't be done. Some people can't help it, like exes who have kids, so maybe they have something to say on that, but to be in a work situation where you have to see someone who pretends you don't exist, well, I could not do it. The anger would consume me.

 

5 weeks is not a long time. I forgot how long your A was. My xmm ignored me for 5 months and then he came sniffing around with his I love yous and all that.

 

You need to get away from him.

 

Added: I cried for a year. It's normal but be careful. I developed health problems from the stress. I had 4 surgeries in 16 from it.

Edited December 13, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[aileD]

If you don't have true no contact with him it's going to take much longer...you still see him every day at work? That will definitely delay your healing and extend your torture. Is there any way to move on from this job? Set yourself truly free?

[HeCantBreakMe]

The work situation sucks. I am doing all I can to get another job ....I worked it out so I could work from home 3 days a week and he isn't in the office the two days I am.. well except for today when he came in to "check on me" ... it is hard to move on with them in your face and they know this.. I am done there is no future for us , none... i am not sure what my future holds but knowing he isn't in it and accepting that feels good. I can say I am still weak and have no desire to play with fire.. getting away from an office setting with an xmm is a must for full healing ..

 

Another poster today posted about how her relationship with xmm turned bf was a colossal failure... there is too much there ,, too much pain, too many trust issues,,, too many people hurt for our gain to ever enjoy a relationship with these men.. not to mention the small tiny fact that they wouldn't leave the wife unless tossed out... A fresh start sounds nice to me.. anyone else?

 

Are you staying in your job Lost or trying leave?

 

Midnight share the tricks you are learning with your hypnosis. Sounds like that are helpful..

 

Biggest trick for me had been accepting reality and enjoying life in the present.

[MidnightBlue1980]

The work situation sucks. I am doing all I can to get another job ....I worked it out so I could work from home 3 days a week and he isn't in the office the two days I am.. well except for today when he came in to "check on me" ... it is hard to move on with them in your face and they know this.. I am done there is no future for us , none... i am not sure what my future holds but knowing he isn't in it and accepting that feels good. I can say I am still weak and have no desire to play with fire.. getting away from an office setting with an xmm is a must for full healing ..

 

Another poster today posted about how her relationship with xmm turned bf was a colossal failure... there is too much there ,, too much pain, too many trust issues,,, too many people hurt for our gain to ever enjoy a relationship with these men.. not to mention the small tiny fact that they wouldn't leave the wife unless tossed out... A fresh start sounds nice to me.. anyone else?

 

Are you staying in your job Lost or trying leave?

 

Midnight share the tricks you are learning with your hypnosis. Sounds like that are helpful..

 

Biggest trick for me had been accepting reality and enjoying life in the present.

 

Well, it's not exactly like therapy in that there are no actions to take or things to "do" or "not do". I have never tried hypnosis before but it's basically supposed to go into your unconscious mind and get at the root of the addiction, whether it's food, smoking, drinking or obsessive thoughts. Basically your mind is a computer and its stuck in a loop or circular error.

 

This is just a wav file or however you call it, you listen to it like a song. It is this guy talking for 18 minutes. I do not go into any trance whatsoever, but you just lie down with your eyes closed. I imagine you need to pay a lot for the real thing where you are unconscious. Call it the power of suggestion but the guy's voice, he tells you to imagine certain things and he's pretty good. At a minimum it really does clear the thoughts from my head. I did not look at his social media at all today. I had a decent productive day. I was not on LS at all until 10:30pm. Usually I sit here all day.

 

I'm just desperate. I want to be over it all. I'll try anything.

 

I'll send you the site if you want it.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Well, it's not exactly like therapy in that there are no actions to take or things to "do" or "not do". I have never tried hypnosis before but it's basically supposed to go into your unconscious mind and get at the root of the addiction, whether it's food, smoking, drinking or obsessive thoughts. Basically your mind is a computer and its stuck in a loop or circular error.

 

This is just a wav file or however you call it, you listen to it like a song. It is this guy talking for 18 minutes. I do not go into any trance whatsoever, but you just lie down with your eyes closed. I imagine you need to pay a lot for the real thing where you are unconscious. Call it the power of suggestion but the guy's voice, he tells you to imagine certain things and he's pretty good. At a minimum it really does clear the thoughts from my head. I did not look at his social media at all today. I had a decent productive day. I was not on LS at all until 10:30pm. Usually I sit here all day.

 

I'm just desperate. I want to be over it all. I'll try anything.

 

I'll send you the site if you want it.

 

Yes do. It sounds interesting

[jah526]

When it comes to these men, make your default setting, *believe nothing they say,* including what the time is, and what the weather is like outside.

 

This reminds me of that old saying... how do I know if he's lying? His lips are moving.

[Adoraxx]

Hi Lostgirl,

 

Of course I remember you... I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. You know, my xMM always came back too. But then he disappeared on me for SEVEN MONTHS and it was one long nightmare. I was convinced that he was going to ignore me forever. He had never stayed away that long. But then after 7 months he reappeared,and I've read often that they 'all come back' and I do believe that's so true.

 

So that's why I think that your xMM will come back too. I just hope you won't take him back.

 

xMM was my neighbor and I moved to a new town and have been here for a month now... xMM emails me once a week and at first his emails were like : "ohhh I miss you so much and I can't believe you're gone" but now his emails sound very boring as if I'm nothing but a nuisance. He sounds like he doesn't care about me being gone at all.

 

I should delete the whole email account but I'm so worried that I'm going to regret it (I know: sick!!!!)... Anyway, I do hope that the day will come that I'll be able to cut him off completely.

 

I wish I could give you some wonderful tip to make you feel better but unfortunately nothing really worked for me during the 7 months NC. I do think it will help if you could find a different job and THEN never speak to him again. But I don't have experience with that (yet)

 

Hugs

[Chica80]

Hi Lostgirl,

 

Of course I remember you... I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. You know, my xMM always came back too. But then he disappeared on me for SEVEN MONTHS and it was one long nightmare. I was convinced that he was going to ignore me forever. He had never stayed away that long. But then after 7 months he reappeared,and I've read often that they 'all come back' and I do believe that's so true.

 

So that's why I think that your xMM will come back too. I just hope you won't take him back.

 

xMM was my neighbor and I moved to a new town and have been here for a month now... xMM emails me once a week and at first his emails were like : "ohhh I miss you so much and I can't believe you're gone" but now his emails sound very boring as if I'm nothing but a nuisance. He sounds like he doesn't care about me being gone at all.

 

I should delete the whole email account but I'm so worried that I'm going to regret it (I know: sick!!!!)... Anyway, I do hope that the day will come that I'll be able to cut him off completely.

 

I wish I could give you some wonderful tip to make you feel better but unfortunately nothing really worked for me during the 7 months NC. I do think it will help if you could find a different job and THEN never speak to him again. But I don't have experience with that (yet)

 

Hugs

 

(((((ADORAXX))))

You finally moved that's awesome!! Why is he still emailing you? New move, fresh start?

I'm no one to judge. I'm trying to date and MM and I went to lunch the other day.

 

He gave me an early Christmas present. Jewelery (that's a first).

I miss our old thread. Mostly everyone from the super thread is gone. Just MB and I.....every once in a while someone will pop up. But alot disappear.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I know this goes contrary to what everyone says here, but I am not a big believer in blocking and deleting email accounts, changing numbers, etc., unless someone is trying harassing you. Strength comes from within and for me, I cannot change these things, they are linked to a million things, including my website. Besides, if someone wants to find you, it is pretty easy these days. I have had guys in my past track me down. All you need is 9.95 and a credit card number.

 

I know what you mean about worrying that you will regret something. It's basically why I did not break the contact between us on Linked In. It's not because I have any intention of PMing him, for whatever reason his wife did not break it (she monitors him) so I kinda want him (or her) to be the ones to do it.

 

That said, definitely seeing the person makes it next to impossible to move on. I am glad you moved Adoraxx and he is probably just as stuck as you are, which is why he is emailing. He sounds bored because he is probably boring. He has not changed; your perspective is changing. It's always easier to be the one with the new change of scenery, whereas he is left behind with the same old, same old.

 

I will tell you it's been two weeks since he is gone and it's really a lot easier. Today was the 2nd meeting without him and I really did not think about him at all. It felt like a long time since he had been there.

[Outofmysystem]

Lost, ladies, good to see the resurrection of "the super thread"....

 

Adoraxx, glad you moved, congrats!, Blue, good luck with the hypnosis, hope that helps the battle in your head.....I'm right there with you....everyday consists of either, thinking of her all day, sometimes, or not at all....plus I'm at the anger stage and I fantasize about revenge type stuff just to help it (not that I'm going to do it, but it's fun to think about it)

 

You know I was thinking, the statement seems to hold true on, MM always come back....because even though she was the one to end it, I've always been the one to initiate contact till as of late....she hasn't once.....I've since stopped any contact (2 1/2 months NC) and don't plan on ever again....that said it is real tough when someone becomes a big part of your life and then you have to pretend they don't exist.....so I feel for everyone that's feeling the same way.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lost, ladies, good to see the resurrection of "the super thread"....

 

Adoraxx, glad you moved, congrats!, Blue, good luck with the hypnosis, hope that helps the battle in your head.....I'm right there with you....everyday consists of either, thinking of her all day, sometimes, or not at all....plus I'm at the anger stage and I fantasize about revenge type stuff just to help it (not that I'm going to do it, but it's fun to think about it)

 

You know I was thinking, the statement seems to hold true on, MM always come back....because even though she was the one to end it, I've always been the one to initiate contact till as of late....she hasn't once.....I've since stopped any contact (2 1/2 months NC) and don't plan on ever again....that said it is real tough when someone becomes a big part of your life and then you have to pretend they don't exist.....so I feel for everyone that's feeling the same way.

 

It's harder for you Out because it is left undone. You feel wronged and got no closure. That is tough to move on from. I felt so angry for a year, so wronged, so I get you.

 

Remind me again when it ended?

 

I am feeling better. It's only been 2 weeks (a year really but in my mind 2 weeks since its been done-done) and my head is quieter. It feels long ago and far away. I'm hoping it goes completely away. I'm starting to feel as if he never existed and I'm not pretending or actively doing anything.

 

Maybe its working.

[Lostgirl186]

So glad to hear from you ladies. On the job situation, luckily we work at two separate locations so it's rare I run into him during a workday. However, I pass him daily almost on the way to drop off at school, and it's enough to make me want to cry. If you all remember everytime we were on the outs I would complain bc he would wave at me.. Now he looks straight ahead and doesn't do anything. So cold. And I have to see him tonight at an event. I am currently seeking a job with another company but that isn't going to solve me passing him on the road every :-(

[MidnightBlue1980]

So glad to hear from you ladies. On the job situation, luckily we work at two separate locations so it's rare I run into him during a workday. However, I pass him daily almost on the way to drop off at school, and it's enough to make me want to cry. If you all remember everytime we were on the outs I would complain bc he would wave at me.. Now he looks straight ahead and doesn't do anything. So cold. And I have to see him tonight at an event. I am currently seeking a job with another company but that isn't going to solve me passing him on the road every :-(

 

Does his wife know?

 

I understand about the school thing. Is there a bus? Mine get on and off the bus.

[Chica80]

OuT!!!!! I'm sorry you're in pain. It may not seem that way. But I'm sure she still thinks about you. She still cares and cared for you. But there was no future.

 

MB I'm glad he's gone. You sound better in your post.

 

LOST don't let him have that power, he may have chosen this but u have the power to make what happens from here going forward.

[Lostgirl186]

Midnight, she doesn't know. She still thinks he's husband of the year. My little goes to a private school, so there are no busses. I honestly think he's started up with someone else.

 

Does his wife know?

 

I understand about the school thing. Is there a bus? Mine get on and off the bus.

[Lostgirl186]

Sunshine, I've reached the point where I'm angry enough that I don't want him to see that he's hurt me. It was all supposed to be about sex anyway, I'm the idiot that caught feelings. I avoided him like the plague tonight, we crossed by each other once and both looked down. It amazes me how men have the ability to just stop even speaking to someone after two and a half years. Just shows that I didn't mean anything to him, and I'm trying to keep telling myself that. I have no indication whatsoever that he will ever unblock me or be back, so I've got to just work on not wanting him anymore.

 

OuT!!!!! I'm sorry you're in pain. It may not seem that way. But I'm sure she still thinks about you. She still cares and cared for you. But there was no future.

 

MB I'm glad he's gone. You sound better in your post.

 

LOST don't let him have that power, he may have chosen this but u have the power to make what happens from here going forward.