Destabilization Phase - part II

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, it ended last Setember...but over the next few months we saw each other a couple of times, but it consisted of me really asking (begging and saying I missed her) and her getting colder and more distant...plus throw in a few expensive gifts that she would complain about, say she was going to send back then just keep ....fast forward to her divorce in Aug, add in me leaving cash on her car for her in a card, and say she was going to return it then just keep it (sense a pattern here?)...bla, bla, bla....

 

Now she's in a rebound relationship with a jerkoff that works for the same owner just in another city (a real crappy city I might add, just my opinion) and I'm just some other dude that she slept with for 6 years....pretty sad really, lol.

 

Chica, I don't know about your theory....She seems more like (and I've said this before) any other MM that gets described on this board. Cold, calculating, and only out for herself. In fact, she posted a "like" on her FB page for some article about "how lucky one is to have a Alpha Girlfriend"....I assume meant for her "new" boyfriend....I had to laugh my ass off on that one...

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Chica80]

Blue, it ended last Setember...but over the next few months we saw each other a couple of times, but it consisted of me really asking (begging and saying I missed her) and her getting colder and more distant...plus throw in a few expensive gifts that she would complain about, say she was going to send back then just keep ....fast forward to her divorce in Aug, add in me leaving cash on her car for her in a card, and say she was going to return it then just keep it (sense a pattern here?)...bla, bla, bla....

 

Now she's in a rebound relationship with a jerkoff that works for the same owner just in another city (a real crappy city I might add, just my opinion) and I'm just some other dude that she slept with for 6 years....pretty sad really, lol.

 

Chica, I don't know about your theory....She seems more like (and I've said this before) any other MM that gets described on this board. Cold, calculating, and only out for herself. In fact, she posted a "like" on her FB page for some article about "how lucky one is to have a Alpha Girlfriend"....I assume meant for her "new" boyfriend....I had to laugh my ass off on that one...

 

I'm sorry BLUE, I don't know what to say....

Last week MM sent me a text, saying it was weird knowing I was dating. But happy that I was dating. Then proceeds to tell me how cute my new haircut looks.

 

Sunday we had lunch, we talked after. I say I'm moving on I don't want to. A part of me does not want to date at all. I don't want to. But there is nothing for me here. No reason to stay. He then proceeds to give me my Christmas present early. Jewelry, that's a first. This beautiful necklace.

 

So.....why, why now? Because I'm moving on? The thing is who knows......because I never really can know what is going on in his head. He makes it sound like its not easy for him. This is difficult for him too......and all I can say is wait, you have everything You get to go home to your wife, have a whole other life I'm not part of. But this is difficult for you???

 

I guess the point of me saying this is.....I know this is hard for you. YOU loved her and 6YEARS!! That is a long time. But she doesn't read the things you say here or see them....In her mind you are just like all MM out there....and maybe you are right. Maybe she is like the MM that are posted on here, who am I to say, I don't know her or you. If that's what it takes to move on...to see her in that light, to see her as the villain. Than do it. Because you have to OUT, let her go.... She's moving on.

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Chica80]

Sunshine, I've reached the point where I'm angry enough that I don't want him to see that he's hurt me. It was all supposed to be about sex anyway, I'm the idiot that caught feelings. I avoided him like the plague tonight, we crossed by each other once and both looked down. It amazes me how men have the ability to just stop even speaking to someone after two and a half years. Just shows that I didn't mean anything to him, and I'm trying to keep telling myself that. I have no indication whatsoever that he will ever unblock me or be back, so I've got to just work on not wanting him anymore.

 

LOST, I know there's a part of you that wants to hope. To hold on to that. Because then it will mean he really does care. You really did mean something.

You really are valuable.....the thing is you are valuable without him. He doesn't define you or make you worth love, you are worth loving. You just need to see it without him.

[Logan787]

Hey guys and girls.. Used the title of the old thread to catch your attention. I just wanted to update and get updates from you all. Maybe a little advice if your willing to offer. Not going to repost story, but to update 5 weeks ago MM blocked me, and hasn't spoken to me sense. No waving as we pass. Nothing. I have gone thru withdrawal, depression, etc. now I'm just numb and can't seem to control my crying. I am on medication now to hopefully help pull me out. But I feel like I'm drowning. The reality hit that he's not coming back this time. Any advice on how to feel human again?Midnight, sunshine, Ronnie and all you others, how are you all doing?

 

How to feel human again? Simple, don't sleep with another woman's husband and this kind of stuff probably won't happen. Affairs are about one thing....sex. Why people look to get more than that is beyond me. I mean really. They are already committed to another person and if they are having issues with them then they will probably have the same issues with you. Sorry about the pain you're going through, but it pretty much goes with the territory of sleeping around with another persons husband. Hope you have lived and learned.

[Chica80]

How to feel human again? Simple, don't sleep with another woman's husband and this kind of stuff probably won't happen. Affairs are about one thing....sex. Why people look to get more than that is beyond me. I mean really. They are already committed to another person and if they are having issues with them then they will probably have the same issues with you. Sorry about the pain you're going through, but it pretty much goes with the territory of sleeping around with another persons husband. Hope you have lived and learned.

 

 

Really??? It always amazes me when people write "advice" like this.....so insightful so enlightening!! Thank you for providing this, Don't sleep with another woman's husband OMG!!! That's it the answer to everything. We see the light now.....

[MidnightBlue1980]

Really??? It always amazes me when people write "advice" like this.....so insightful so enlightening!! Thank you for providing this, Don't sleep with another woman's husband OMG!!! That's it the answer to everything. We see the light now.....

 

Right up there with, how do I lose weight? Eat less and move more.

 

Hopefully he/she does not work for a suicide hotline.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm sorry BLUE, I don't know what to say....

Last week MM sent me a text, saying it was weird knowing I was dating. But happy that I was dating. Then proceeds to tell me how cute my new haircut looks.

 

Sunday we had lunch, we talked after. I say I'm moving on I don't want to. A part of me does not want to date at all. I don't want to. But there is nothing for me here. No reason to stay. He then proceeds to give me my Christmas present early. Jewelry, that's a first. This beautiful necklace.

 

So.....why, why now? Because I'm moving on? The thing is who knows......because I never really can know what is going on in his head. He makes it sound like its not easy for him. This is difficult for him too......and all I can say is wait, you have everything You get to go home to your wife, have a whole other life I'm not part of. But this is difficult for you???

 

I guess the point of me saying this is.....I know this is hard for you. YOU loved her and 6YEARS!! That is a long time. But she doesn't read the things you say here or see them....In her mind you are just like all MM out there....and maybe you are right. Maybe she is like the MM that are posted on here, who am I to say, I don't know her or you. If that's what it takes to move on...to see her in that light, to see her as the villain. Than do it. Because you have to OUT, let her go.... She's moving on.

 

To Sunshine, yes, of course the gift was to prevent you from moving on. He does not want you to meet someone single and disappear. He is happy with the status quo. That's selfish of course, you deserve your own relationship where you are someone's 100%. I am sure that does make him unhappy and that it is hard for him. Now he has to deal with his own life, as it should be.

 

To Out, the reason I don't think you are like the other guys everyone complains about is because the OW did not ask you to be with her, even after she divorced. Sure, perhaps she is the proudest person in the world and does not want to break up your family, but that trait generally does not go along with sleeping with another woman's husband for 6 years. She sounds like an opportunist and got what she wanted from you. In that way she sounds like the male equivalent of the mm.

 

I guess the next question is, what about your marriage and the rest of your life? You said it ended in Sept, I assume you mean Sept 2015?

[Chica80]

Right up there with, how do I lose weight? Eat less and move more.

 

Hopefully he/she does not work for a suicide hotline.

 

Hahaha......

 

(I meant OUT in previous post, I think I saw your name too, I was very tired when I wrote this but yes....thank you

You r possibly right what you said. I mean he wouldn't even know how to be married? Our A started before he was married and has been going on the whole time.

 

I thought about this a couple weeks ago. I was at a co-workers christmas party. MM was texting a fellow co worker. Let's call him frank. So frank and MM are talking about possibly going for drinks with some other people. Plans change. I guess MM is now going to movies w wife. Asks frank to come along. I think really dude. You can't even go to movies w your wife alone.

But who am I to judge this is the man I love....

Edited December 14, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Lostgirl186]

Logan- I do appreciate your reply. But it takes two to tango. I have learned my lesson and don't intend to jump in bed with another woman's husband. I am trying to get over THIS one. When you suddenly lose contact with someone you've spoken to daily almost for two and a half years, yes, it makes you feel inhuman. Was what I did wrong? Yes it was and believe me I KNOW it. I can't take it back. I wasn't looking for more beyond that, but eventually sex turns in to some sort of feeling. At least for me it did.

 

 

How to feel human again? Simple, don't sleep with another woman's husband and this kind of stuff probably won't happen. Affairs are about one thing....sex. Why people look to get more than that is beyond me. I mean really. They are already committed to another person and if they are having issues with them then they will probably have the same issues with you. Sorry about the pain you're going through, but it pretty much goes with the territory of sleeping around with another persons husband. Hope you have lived and learned.

[Lostgirl186]

Midnight, Sunshine remind me how long were you involved with MM?Midnight has it helped breaking ties with work?

 

Out was it you that ended the affair? Were you ever cold to her breaking things off? If it was you, what was the defining moment that you knew you had to end things and what did you tell her?

[Chica80]

21 mo+......I guess u could say and counting, we haven't totally cut ties.

 

Lost. I think u and I started posting about the same time.

 

MB I'm curios, how it feels him being totally gone? Did u feel vindicated at the end knowing his wife knew the truth.

[Foreverago]

IHere's what helped me feel like a human, was towards the end, I was exhausted. I was tired of feeling used and toyed around. I was tired of the faking. One night, I disappeared from my phone and didn't respond. When I finally got in touch with him, he asked me if I was cheating on him. That moment hit me upside the head with a Clue by 4.

 

I told him I couldn't do this. He asked me if I loved him anymore. And no. I didn't. I loved the idea of him, the fantasy of what I had made him to be in my head, but not the actual him. He was a liar. He helped me become someone I hated. He had zero issue screwing with everyone's head. This isn't love. It was insanity. And I was done being a willing participant.

 

I got off the phone. I spent the next year finding myself. No dating. No trying to find love with someone else. I found hobbies and likes. I didn't have this cloud of deceit over my head. I got out there and made friends. Went out for drinks and girl days and shopped for things I couldn't prior (affairs are expensive in more ways than one). In a way, I dated myself. I pampered and spoiled and put all the energy that the affair needed into me. And the biggest one: I worked on the issues within me that made me seek out such an improper partner and accept the shoddy treatment.

 

At the end of that year, I had gained so much more than what the affair destroyed of me. That's how I became human again. A stronger, smarter and less flimsy person.

 

You'll get there. You have it in you. None of us deserve to be a secret, none of us deserve the pain. The spouses don't either. No one deserves to be humiliated and lied to. We are better than that.

[Chica80]

IHere's what helped me feel like a human, was towards the end, I was exhausted. I was tired of feeling used and toyed around. I was tired of the faking. One night, I disappeared from my phone and didn't respond. When I finally got in touch with him, he asked me if I was cheating on him. That moment hit me upside the head with a Clue by 4.

 

I told him I couldn't do this. He asked me if I loved him anymore. And no. I didn't. I loved the idea of him, the fantasy of what I had made him to be in my head, but not the actual him. He was a liar. He helped me become someone I hated. He had zero issue screwing with everyone's head. This isn't love. It was insanity. And I was done being a willing participant.

 

I got off the phone. I spent the next year finding myself. No dating. No trying to find love with someone else. I found hobbies and likes. I didn't have this cloud of deceit over my head. I got out there and made friends. Went out for drinks and girl days and shopped for things I couldn't prior (affairs are expensive in more ways than one). In a way, I dated myself. I pampered and spoiled and put all the energy that the affair needed into me. And the biggest one: I worked on the issues within me that made me seek out such an improper partner and accept the shoddy treatment.

 

At the end of that year, I had gained so much more than what the affair destroyed of me. That's how I became human again. A stronger, smarter and less flimsy person.

 

You'll get there. You have it in you. None of us deserve to be a secret, none of us deserve the pain. The spouses don't either. No one deserves to be humiliated and lied to. We are better than that.

 

This is awesome!!!

[jah526]

And the biggest one: I worked on the issues within me that made me seek out such an improper partner and accept the shoddy treatment.

 

I'm curious about this because I'm dealing with something similar. Did you get counseling? Can you share what some of the issues were? (I know that's really personal, I'm just wondering if it was family of origin stuff and/or self-esteem related.) Thanks.

[Foreverago]

I'm curious about this because I'm dealing with something similar. Did you get counseling? Can you share what some of the issues were? (I know that's really personal, I'm just wondering if it was family of origin stuff and/or self-esteem related.) Thanks.

 

I don't want people to compare my issues with theirs because we all need different types of help, but hopefully this helps at least someone so I will share. And my apologies for hijack.

 

I had to come to terms with learnt behavior from my mother. She was/is a cheater and used cheating as a way to punish her husband(s) on top of the emotional abuse she handed out to her kids. I was her "best friend" that she told all her dirty little secrets to from a very young age. People were very much to be used and she was the perpetual victim when she didn't get her way or was called out. Everyone but her was the bad guy and all women are w****s that just want to steal your man. She cheated on every single guy she was with. Go figure. I was her little puppet that was the most loved of all of her children because I danced for her the way she wanted. I was so desperate to have her approval (bio father left when I was an infant) that I taught myself to not listen to the voices telling me what was wrong. I compensated with an eating disorder from the age of 11 and self destruction to silence those inner feelings.

 

During the first few months (after I moved to a new state) when I felt alone, I realized I had issues with other females and how to communicate because of my childhood so I made an effort to seek out female based friendships. I made a list of things I wanted to do, making friends was first on it. My very first friends were other single female coworkers.

 

When others become just as human to you, it becomes harder to accept being willing participants in their abuse. Cheating to me is an abusive behavior that I will never again inflict on anyone else. I'm still very close to two of those women I made friends with to this day, we were the Broken Girls of Misfit Island and we spent many nights with drinks, dancing and long discussions. Everyone has devastating problems and watching them be strong helped me get over myself. My very best friend is from a broken marriage where her husband left her for another woman. She helped me more than she'll ever know. Those women are my family.

 

 

I ended up cutting my mother out of my life in that time and it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I didn't want to continue in her footsteps and I didn't realize how much she was still abusing me until I did so. But that's a whole other story for a different type of forum.

 

And a big old Hell yes to self esteem issues. I realized during that time that the affair was yet another way for me to self destruct and attempt to destroy myself inside for not feeling like I was worthy of good things subconsciously. The only professional help I got was for the eating disorder through my doctor, which actually covers a lot of issues. I take responsibility for my actions. My mother might be a bad person, but I don't have to be and I don't blame anyone but myself for my bad choices. I don't at all look down on counseling, I think it's a great tool, but at that time I couldn't afford it. Edit to clarify: I couldn't afford another type of help, ED help is expensive, I was only covered for a short time and it does offer some counselling aspects but not quite in the same way as a personal therapist. But you have to want it regardless. No counseling will help if you don't truly want help.

 

I think I grew up more in that year than in all the previous years combined. Don't get me wrong, I still stumble with self pity and self indulgence at times, but I learned to recognize it for what it is. And I always listen to those inner voices now. They are there for a reason.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Foreverago

[Lostgirl186]

I decided that I'm not going to let him rejoice in the fact that he has enough power over me to make me miserable or even angry. When I passed him this morning, I was on the phone, laughing at the conversation, so I threw my hand up and waved. As much as it killed to do it knowing he wouldn't wave back, I did it. I never do that.. Even when we were on again and he waved at me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight, Sunshine remind me how long were you involved with MM?Midnight has it helped breaking ties with work?

 

 

 

MB I'm curios, how it feels him being totally gone? Did u feel vindicated at the end knowing his wife knew the truth.

 

I finally figured out how to multi-quote. I am IT-challenged.

 

My actual A was 5 months but I knew him for 2 years prior to that. Saw him weekly and we had had lunch and dinner a few times over the years. Friends is a strong word but he was someone I was friendly with, a casual acquaintance. It ended last Dec, around Christmas.

 

I did feel very vindicated that his wife finally learned the truth and that he got what he had coming to him. This is not about the affair or him not "choosing me". This is about a year of lying to his wife about the truth of our A - and telling me he was lying to his wife, constant lying to me and playing mindgames, making a mockery of MC by using it to lull his wife into a state of false security so he could come back and try to restart the A, not leaving me alone when I asked to please leave me alone so I could feel better, being cruel and mean to me, etc. He thought he was better than me and his wife - that he was smarter than us and rubbed it in my face. Lies upon lies upon lies.

 

How do I feel? The first week I was sad, I admit it, crazy as it sounds. I looked at a few pictures I have of him and his social media. But it's been 2 weeks now and I really feel nothing at all. It feels very long ago and far away. I'm not exactly sure why, 2 weeks is not a long time. It could be the hypnosis meditation I bought. I felt the difference immediately.

 

I just don't think about him anymore. It's as if, it was all a movie or a dream. When I write about it above, I can remember the lies and my feelings, but I don't actually "feel" it anymore, if that makes sense. It's as if I am writing about someone else.

 

I have no emotional connection to it at all. I hope it sticks.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I decided that I'm not going to let him rejoice in the fact that he has enough power over me to make me miserable or even angry. When I passed him this morning, I was on the phone, laughing at the conversation, so I threw my hand up and waved. As much as it killed to do it knowing he wouldn't wave back, I did it. I never do that.. Even when we were on again and he waved at me.

 

Good. I'm glad you did that.

 

He has no power over you.

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, yes, it was September of last year....as far as everything else, W, marriage, kids....they are all fine, actually better in a lot of ways because I'm not dividing my time with the other "life"....my A ended the best way it could with no D-Day and her fading off into the sunset.....wether that was from her having true feelings and doing what was "best" for me or her just getting what she wanted and moving on (granted, after 6 years) it is what it is....

 

Lost, it was her that ended it....I continued to try to talk to her off and on this past year, bought her a Christmas gift last year (pair of Louboutins), and birthday in May (LV necklace) and gave her cash when she divorced in August....all of which she thanked me, then proceeded to complain and say she was going to return them but never did....so all that was a kick in the nuts after all....then she started dating another Ahole from work just 2 months ago and I finally had enough....it's been NC since and it will stay that way.

 

And Blue, you are right....she sounds just like the typical MM like I've read about here.

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Lostgirl186]

" I can remember the lies and actual feelings, but I don't "feel" it anymore." That statement is great to me. That's what I want. I know I'll never forget, but I don't want to "feel" it anymore.

 

I finally figured out how to multi-quote. I am IT-challenged.

 

My actual A was 5 months but I knew him for 2 years prior to that. Saw him weekly and we had had lunch and dinner a few times over the years. Friends is a strong word but he was someone I was friendly with, a casual acquaintance. It ended last Dec, around Christmas.

 

I did feel very vindicated that his wife finally learned the truth and that he got what he had coming to him. This is not about the affair or him not "choosing me". This is about a year of lying to his wife about the truth of our A - and telling me he was lying to his wife, constant lying to me and playing mindgames, making a mockery of MC by using it to lull his wife into a state of false security so he could come back and try to restart the A, not leaving me alone when I asked to please leave me alone so I could feel better, being cruel and mean to me, etc. He thought he was better than me and his wife - that he was smarter than us and rubbed it in my face. Lies upon lies upon lies.

 

How do I feel? The first week I was sad, I admit it, crazy as it sounds. I looked at a few pictures I have of him and his social media. But it's been 2 weeks now and I really feel nothing at all. It feels very long ago and far away. I'm not exactly sure why, 2 weeks is not a long time. It could be the hypnosis meditation I bought. I felt the difference immediately.

 

I just don't think about him anymore. It's as if, it was all a movie or a dream. When I write about it above, I can remember the lies and my feelings, but I don't actually "feel" it anymore, if that makes sense. It's as if I am writing about someone else.

 

I have no emotional connection to it at all. I hope it sticks.

[Lostgirl186]

OUT

 

All of this sounds so much like my exMM is scary

 

. I do believe he's started up something with one of his young employees. It's how I explain sex on a regular basis with me and then just zap he's gone, hasn't tried to talk to me or anything sense. Another coworker who doesn't know about is mentioned it also. His job comes before anything in his life, and while he wouldn't have lost it with me- he would be in major trouble of he got caught with this one, he's her "boss." And he was always saying how we had to stop bc it wasn't worth the risk of getting caught.. He's definitely playing a risky hand if that's what he's doing.

[Chica80]

MB I still haven't figured out how to multi quote...haha

 

LOST you did great..as far as he knows you're happy and not sitting there crying, fake till you make...

 

OUT it was a year ago, but you've had contact since so I would say your NC is still early after such a long time. I know it must be better for your wife and kids. How about you? How do you get better and out of your head? I often think if MM was able to actually verbalize his wants and needs there wouldn't be an A. Just a guess, he's not very introspective when it comes to emotions or feelings. He's to "logical" for that. I only say this because many of your post have reminded me of him at times.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MB I still haven't figured out how to multi quote...haha

 

.

 

You hit the little quote marks, they look like eyebrows, on each post you want to quote and then hit the QUOTE button on just one.

[MidnightBlue1980]

" I can remember the lies and actual feelings, but I don't "feel" it anymore." That statement is great to me. That's what I want. I know I'll never forget, but I don't want to "feel" it anymore.

 

You don't want to ever forget. Not that you want to sit around thinking about it but the next time someone flirts with you and shows you attention, you can smile and it makes your day but want to make sure you remember how it ends with a pain sandwich. So you never go there again.

[Outofmysystem]

Lost....when we first started training last year in the main store, she went up 3 weeks before I did, after I got there (some of our time overlapped and we trained together) this ******* , who is the "boy Friday" do everything handyman dude was already making her morning coffees, and I interrupted a little "chat" they were having in private in the break room....so I already knew he was making moves...you just know these things. She was still married but getting pressure from her H because of being away every week for 4 days at a time and away from her kids, and I was pressuring her to give me more time since we had a golden opportunity since we were in another city. All that happened was her fighting more with me, turning these brand new people into her best friends instantly, pushing me away and finally dumping me, I in turn got fired for another reason and went to another dealer in our home city, and then 7 months later she divorces her H and then starts "dating" the *******...

 

So yea, she INSISTED there was no one else, that she just wanted to be by herself with just the kids, bla, bla, bla.....all bull****, because now she's doing the exact same thing she did with me, is calling him the same pet name and acting like a teenager (all this on display on FB) with this dumbass that has NO CLUE what a lying piece she is.....

 

Which brings me to, Chica, I was emotional with her, very, I may post logical now just because I see what she really is, but it has (and still does) cut deep because I thought what we had was the real thing. She fed me for 6 years with, "you are my life", " I love you more than you will ever know", " I love you so much and not because you **** me so good"....constant phone calls, emailing every day when we were apart, working as much as we could together as many days as we could, coming in early, leaving late, sex in the morning, at lunch and after work.....it was A LOT of sensory input.....then slowish fade to nothing but bitchy, cold hearted, cruel, I don't give a **** attitude that we are at now.

 

How do I get her out of my head?....that's a good question....I'm better than I was, not as good as I could be, but not as bad as it seems.....

 

You don't just **** in affairs, affairs **** with you.

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T