Destabilization Phase - part II

[Chica80]

Lost....when we first started training last year in the main store, she went up 3 weeks before I did, after I got there (some of our time overlapped and we trained together) this ******* , who is the "boy Friday" do everything handyman dude was already making her morning coffees, and I interrupted a little "chat" they were having in private in the break room....so I already knew he was making moves...you just know these things. She was still married but getting pressure from her H because of being away every week for 4 days at a time and away from her kids, and I was pressuring her to give me more time since we had a golden opportunity since we were in another city. All that happened was her fighting more with me, turning these brand new people into her best friends instantly, pushing me away and finally dumping me, I in turn got fired for another reason and went to another dealer in our home city, and then 7 months later she divorces her H and then starts "dating" the *******...

 

So yea, she INSISTED there was no one else, that she just wanted to be by herself with just the kids, bla, bla, bla.....all bull****, because now she's doing the exact same thing she did with me, is calling him the same pet name and acting like a teenager (all this on display on FB) with this dumbass that has NO CLUE what a lying piece she is.....

 

Which brings me to, Chica, I was emotional with her, very, I may post logical now just because I see what a bitch she really is, but it has (and still does) cut deep because I thought what we had was the real thing. She fed me for 6 years with, "you are my life", " I love you more than you will ever know", " I love you so much and not because you **** me so good"....constant phone calls, emailing every day when we were apart, working as much as we could together as many days as we could, coming in early, leaving late, sex in the morning, at lunch and after work.....it was A LOT of sensory input.....then slowish fade to nothing but bitchy, cold hearted, cruel, I don't give a **** attitude that we are at now.

 

How do I get her out of my head?....that's a good question....I'm better than I was, not as good as I could be, but not as bad as it seems.....

 

You don't just **** in affairs, affairs **** with you.

 

 

OUT I'm sorry.....I think I was just projecting my own stuff. I'm sorry. I agree she sounds like a "winner". She wanted a way out. And found a way out. The same pet name? That is a bunch of bull****!!. You watched all of this ugh...heartbreaking.

 

I have to admit part of the dating and talking to MM about dating. Hoping to move on, or the push I need to move on. But also I wish I would get some reaction. ( No don't go....) But no what I get is you should move on. Because I can't give you anything. Don't cancel dates to see me. I'm sorry it was rough. He came over tonight . And I'm just feeling.....We were in the middle of things.....I was just starting to..... and started crying like literally crying out loud. It was so intense and heartbreaking at the same time..

 

Sorry LOST, just don't know who else to talk to or what to say.

[Jemima1234]

OUT I'm sorry.....I think I was just projecting my own stuff. I'm sorry. I agree she sounds like a "winner". She wanted a way out. And found a way out. The same pet name? That is a bunch of bull****!!. You watched all of this ugh...heartbreaking.

 

I have to admit part of the dating and talking to MM about dating. Hoping to move on, or the push I need to move on. But also I wish I would get some reaction. ( No don't go....) But no what I get is you should move on. Because I can't give you anything. Don't cancel dates to see me. I'm sorry it was rough. He came over tonight . And I'm just feeling.....We were in the middle of things.....I was just starting to..... and started crying like literally crying out loud. It was so intense and heartbreaking at the same time..

 

Sorry LOST, just don't know who else to talk to or what to say.

 

Sunshine - I totally feel your pain. So hard. Have had moments like that too. How did he react? I also thought you had stopped being physical with him? Is it still going on? No judgement here just asking! I am now 8 days down from last physical contact with XMM- would love to say it's easy- it's not!!! Still not totally NC tho which I know I need to do but hate thought of!!!

[Chica80]

Sunshine - I totally feel your pain. So hard. Have had moments like that too. How did he react? I also thought you had stopped being physical with him? Is it still going on? No judgement here just asking! I am now 8 days down from last physical contact with XMM- would love to say it's easy- it's not!!! Still not totally NC tho which I know I need to do but hate thought of!!!

 

 

We had stopped. Can I say that strangely alot of last night feels like a blur.

 

He stopped. He grabbed me and held me and said this is why, because I can't keep hurting you. I don't want to hurt you anymore. Later we had discussed NC. Maybe this time unlike other times. It has to be NC. There's no way to get out while still being close. That theres no way for me to move on or even want to see someone else if he is still present.

[Adoraxx]

Hi everyone,

 

I tried to log in over the past days but LS wouldn't let me....... :/. But now I'm back!

 

(((((ADORAXX))))

You finally moved that's awesome!! Why is he still emailing you? New move, fresh start?

I'm no one to judge. I'm trying to date and MM and I went to lunch the other day.

 

He gave me an early Christmas present. Jewelery (that's a first).

I miss our old thread. Mostly everyone from the super thread is gone. Just MB and I.....every once in a while someone will pop up. But alot disappear.

 

 

Yes, I've finally moved... I had not seen him for weeks/ months before I left, but the week before I left, I accidentally ran into him. He said he's at home with a depression... Two days after that (and this was the Friday before I moved!), he came to my house to say goodbye... It was his last chance really and I totally didn't think he would come. But he did, and said he would email me (he has) and call me (he hasn't).

 

 

That said, definitely seeing the person makes it next to impossible to move on. I am glad you moved Adoraxx and he is probably just as stuck as you are, which is why he is emailing. He sounds bored because he is probably boring. He has not changed; your perspective is changing. It's always easier to be the one with the new change of scenery, whereas he is left behind with the same old, same old.

 

Yes, he does seem bored and I feel like he only emails me when he is at the height of his boredom!! Yesterday he emailed me again (this is after he sent me a few 'IMY' - I Miss You, and 'ILY' - I Love You - emails... he never writes it in full, very annoying!!) ...

 

But yesterday's email was about how he fantasizes about me blah blah and if I can send him a video of my naked body and 'MISSYOU' and 'ILY'. Ugh it makes me sick!!!

 

The A began more than 8 years ago and towards the end he ignored me for 7 months in a row and he didn't make the effort to come see me (as a friend because I wouldn't have had sex with him again anyway) and now he's back to asking for videos and pics. Not going to happen....

 

But I'm angry with myself for still letting him control me. I don't know if this makes sense but I still feel under his control because I'm still afraid to make him angry!!

 

Thing is , if I wouldn't have had that run in with him shortly before I left, I would have deleted the email account. But after he came to see me, it's really hard for me to delete it... I'm worried that I'll regret it and that I'll end up sending him emails at his work account because I want to 'stay in touch'.

 

I think the day is going to come where he's going to give me silent treatment again and if that happens, I WILL delete the account. And he knows this, because I told him I was going to delete it if he wouldn't have showed up.

 

And no, I'm not interested in sex with him. He hurt me too much for that and I don't want to have sex with someone that I can't live with. (And I won't ever see him again anyway now that I've moved) . I still love him though.

[Lostgirl186]

[/b]Sunshine never apologize -this why I started both of these threads. It's therapeutic to talk to someone, even if they are complete strangers. I may not always comment but I read everything posted, and it helps to know we aren't alone.

 

Out kind of sounds like both of ours have narcissistic tendencies.

 

 

Adoraxx it sounds like your getting to a place of, as Midnight put it, remembering how it felt, but not actually feeling it anymore.

 

As for me, I did something yesterday, that I felt like I needed to. I could still text from my email address- even though I didn't, bc of he had my number blocked, why would i waste time? I felt like I needed to say something that would help me on my path to moving on. I text and said " I need to tell you that I'm letting it go. It's not worth it to me to worry about it anymore.I'm not even mad anymore that you don't speak to me or acknowledge me. It's sad to me that we couldn't salvage our friendship, but I'm ok with that too. You also need to know that after this I'm not going to try and talk to you anymore, not as a friend, and not as anything more. I really hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas." It may have been wrong, but I needed to say my peace. He didn't respond, as I knew he wouldn't, but I know he read it. I'm sure he blocked my email address directly afterward, but I'm not going to text it to find out. It may not be true what i said to him, but I'm going to fake it until I make it. I don't want him to think he's capable of making me hurt.

[Outofmysystem]

Lost, your right.....I'm sure I helped amplify that with all the attention, compliments and affection (not to mention all of the expensive gifts) ....my good friend that worked with us during the time of the A and now knows all the details told me that I created a monster.....I think he was right.....she started to believe her own "press" so to speak.

 

Chica, no need to apologize, I was just clarifying.....I think since I don't have the "drama" and the sneaking and lying going on, I can look back on it more objectively I guess....of course when I was in it I had all the emotional highs and lows that we all have during, and I was the most intense thing I've felt in a looooong time. That said, it's every bit of addicting and bad for you.

 

To steal a quote from Westworld (great show by the way)....."The only thing l have left is the pain"

 

But that's what makes us human.

[ladydesigner]

Hi everyone,

 

I tried to log in over the past days but LS wouldn't let me....... :/. But now I'm back!

 

 

 

 

Yes, I've finally moved... I had not seen him for weeks/ months before I left, but the week before I left, I accidentally ran into him. He said he's at home with a depression... Two days after that (and this was the Friday before I moved!), he came to my house to say goodbye... It was his last chance really and I totally didn't think he would come. But he did, and said he would email me (he has) and call me (he hasn't).

 

 

 

Yes, he does seem bored and I feel like he only emails me when he is at the height of his boredom!! Yesterday he emailed me again (this is after he sent me a few 'IMY' - I Miss You, and 'ILY' - I Love You - emails... he never writes it in full, very annoying!!) ...

 

But yesterday's email was about how he fantasizes about me blah blah and if I can send him a video of my naked body and 'MISSYOU' and 'ILY'. Ugh it makes me sick!!!

 

The A began more than 8 years ago and towards the end he ignored me for 7 months in a row and he didn't make the effort to come see me (as a friend because I wouldn't have had sex with him again anyway) and now he's back to asking for videos and pics. Not going to happen....

 

But I'm angry with myself for still letting him control me. I don't know if this makes sense but I still feel under his control because I'm still afraid to make him angry!!

 

Thing is , if I wouldn't have had that run in with him shortly before I left, I would have deleted the email account. But after he came to see me, it's really hard for me to delete it... I'm worried that I'll regret it and that I'll end up sending him emails at his work account because I want to 'stay in touch'.

 

I think the day is going to come where he's going to give me silent treatment again and if that happens, I WILL delete the account. And he knows this, because I told him I was going to delete it if he wouldn't have showed up.

 

And no, I'm not interested in sex with him. He hurt me too much for that and I don't want to have sex with someone that I can't live with. (And I won't ever see him again anyway now that I've moved) . I still love him though.

 

He sounds like a Narcissist too! I think you should just delete the account. He is love bombing you, trying to get his fix again. It is really childish and hurtful of him to do to you!

[ladydesigner]

" I can remember the lies and actual feelings, but I don't "feel" it anymore." That statement is great to me. That's what I want. I know I'll never forget, but I don't want to "feel" it anymore.

 

One day you won't feel it anymore and while you will never forget it will also not hold the value or power over you either. Like other memories even traumatic dull over time.

 

Hang in there!!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

To steal a quote from Westworld (great show by the way)....."The only thing l have left is the pain"

 

But that's what makes us human.

 

It's weird when the pain is gone. I had it for a solid year after a 5 month A. I really cannot imagine what it feels like after a 6 year A. Honestly, I probably would have to leave my husband. It was really difficult to move on while married because the only real thing that helps a breakup is to date new people, and I obviously could not do that.

 

Out, how long have you been married? How old are you?

[Adoraxx]

He sounds like a Narcissist too! I think you should just delete the account. He is love bombing you, trying to get his fix again. It is really childish and hurtful of him to do to you!

 

Thank you so much for this, Ladydesigner. I also think he is a narcissist but then at times I'm having my doubts and I wonder if it's me just making that up, so it really really helps to hear that from you. I really hope that I can gather the strength to delete it once and for all

 

Hugs!!

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, I'm 51 now, she is 12 years younger than me....I don't look it though, I keep myself in shape and am a hell of lot better looking than her current fool

 

I have been married for 21 years....looking back, obviously I should have chosen different when it came to my AP....my W and I have had some tough times but she didn't deserve my selfish choice. In my case it was a perfect storm of my AP pressing, flirting everyday and my wife and I fighting more intense than ever over a whole host of issues....that said, I still should have said no but I didn't ....everything is still all my fault.

[Adoraxx]

Blue, I'm 51 now, she is 12 years younger than me....I don't look it though, I keep myself in shape and am a hell of lot better looking than her current fool

 

I have been married for 21 years....looking back, obviously I should have chosen different when it came to my AP....my W and I have had some tough times but she didn't deserve my selfish choice. In my case it was a perfect storm of my AP pressing, flirting everyday and my wife and I fighting more intense than ever over a whole host of issues....that said, I still should have said no but I didn't ....everything is still all my fault.

 

Hey Out, my xMM and I have an age difference too. My xMM is 54 and I'm 16 years younger than him. And I think he has been with W for about the same amount of years that you mentioned. The difference is that it was xMM who was always pressing and flirting. Yet he always insisted that he and his W never fought and that they had a great marriage.

 

Save

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue, I'm 51 now, she is 12 years younger than me....I don't look it though, I keep myself in shape and am a hell of lot better looking than her current fool

 

I have been married for 21 years....looking back, obviously I should have chosen different when it came to my AP....my W and I have had some tough times but she didn't deserve my selfish choice. In my case it was a perfect storm of my AP pressing, flirting everyday and my wife and I fighting more intense than ever over a whole host of issues....that said, I still should have said no but I didn't ....everything is still all my fault.

 

I guess the question is, are you happy in your marriage, because this is it basically then, the woman you are going to spend the rest of your life with. I hope it is not one of those roommate marriages like xmm had. I see that a lot on LS and IRL. To me that is no marriage at all.

[Poppy47]

I guess the question is, are you happy in your marriage, because this is it basically then, the woman you are going to spend the rest of your life with. I hope it is not one of those roommate marriages like xmm had. I see that a lot on LS and IRL. To me that is no marriage at all.

I am very doubtful that "room mate" marriages exist. They would be rare.

 

MM like the OW to believe that's the way it is.

 

POppy.

[Chica80]

Actually Poppy they are not that uncommon. You wouldn't have MC and all these resources to help marriage. I think for some people it comes in waves...seasons and stages of life. For others it might be a very long term situation. My parents had a marriage like this. My grandparents. Friends that I know.

 

Now whether that is actually the "case" for MM. Well that is a different topic.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I am very doubtful that "room mate" marriages exist. They would be rare.

 

MM like the OW to believe that's the way it is.

 

POppy.

 

You would be wrong poppy. Many many people are content to be in a marriage without physical intimacy where they are just co parenting, going through the motions, content for stability, comfort and company and to maintain a family unit. It's very common with many long term marriages.

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, the affair stole that away for a long time, there were other reasons too but that was the main one....but I've put those pieces back together through help with prayer and real introspection and that's not the case now....it wasn't before the A either....that just goes to show anyone how destructive affairs are even if there isn't a D-Day......the end result is almost always bad.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue, the affair stole that away for a long time, there were other reasons too but that was the main one....but I've put those pieces back together through help with prayer and real introspection and that's not the case now....it wasn't before the A either....that just goes to show anyone how destructive affairs are even if there isn't a D-Day......the end result is almost always bad.

 

Well then I am glad to read that you have put that part back together. I think you should look at your affair as an addiction you succumbed to, probably due to a midlife crisis on your part (and probably hers). Each day you are just climbing out of the hole and fixing your life, step by step.

 

There's a whole thread on the other board and some of the members have a lot to say about the mid-life crisis thing, as if it is a mental disorder to some extent. I know it described me to a tee, I'm in my lower 40s nows, it seems to start around that age, 40-55. It's like I just became a different (worse) person. I mean why else would a person voluntarily choose to burn their whole life down over some person they typically don't know or they know is not good for them?

 

Affairs are very destructive. Others may disagree with me but to me, going out for that initial drink, that first kiss, flirtation - is no different from a line of cocaine...just to see what it feels like. The next thing you know, you have lost it all.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Well then I am glad to read that you have put that part back together. I think you should look at your affair as an addiction you succumbed to, probably due to a midlife crisis on your part (and probably hers). Each day you are just climbing out of the hole and fixing your life, step by step.

 

There's a whole thread on the other board and some of the members have a lot to say about the mid-life crisis thing, as if it is a mental disorder to some extent. I know it described me to a tee, I'm in my lower 40s nows, it seems to start around that age, 40-55. It's like I just became a different (worse) person. I mean why else would a person voluntarily choose to burn their whole life down over some person they typically don't know or they know is not good for them?

 

Affairs are very destructive. Others may disagree with me but to me, going out for that initial drink, that first kiss, flirtation - is no different from a line of cocaine...just to see what it feels like. The next thing you know, you have lost it all.

 

Can you link me to that mid-life crisis thread?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Can you link me to that mid-life crisis thread?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/605680-husband-admitted-affair-loves-her-me-too-can-t-married-anymore-10.html

 

It's inside this one. HereNorThere wrote a lot on it as did a few others. They are trying to explain the mindset to the wife whose husband has left her.

[Lostgirl186]

I can't get exMM off my mind today. Replaying the few good times we had over and over in my head..it's really hitting me that it's been almost six weeks since we've spoken. When I've seen him he turns his head like I'm not even there. It hurts. 2.5 years, and in 6 weeks he's completely forgotten me. I blocked his number Friday. I know he's never going to call me again. But maybe I thought if I block it I can convince myself that I don't know if he's called or texted, and maybe the silence will be easier?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I can't get exMM off my mind today. Replaying the few good times we had over and over in my head..it's really hitting me that it's been almost six weeks since we've spoken. When I've seen him he turns his head like I'm not even there. It hurts. 2.5 years, and in 6 weeks he's completely forgotten me. I blocked his number Friday. I know he's never going to call me again. But maybe I thought if I block it I can convince myself that I don't know if he's called or texted, and maybe the silence will be easier?

 

This will sting.

 

It's not that he forgot you in 6 weeks, it's that he was never as invested as you were in the first place.

 

It took me 18 months to realize that with xmm. It really is all in our minds, the whole thing you see. We are writing these stories and these guys are just characters. None of it is real, except the part where they liked to have sex with us of course. But we took a grain of sand and made it a beach. (stole that from some guy here)

 

If you can understand that - really understand it and how you created it all - it gets a little easier. It was all make believe.

 

You are mourning something that never existed.

 

Don't think I don't get your pain, of course I do.

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, right again....it absolutely was a mid life, addiction.....I tried to resist at first....I was successful for about a month, she was charming, pretty (ish, everyone else thinks that subjective) and persistent, I gave in to that first kiss and it was over after that. Her willingness, responsiveness and shear lust was unrelenting....very intoxicating even though we both knew it was fantasy...the chemistry was too much to contain.....that said, PURE addiction.....and not just to the sex, the conversation, the emotional support, friendship....the whole 9.

 

But like anything related to affairs.....not real.

[HeCantBreakMe]

This will sting.

 

It's not that he forgot you in 6 weeks, it's that he was never as invested as you were in the first place.

 

It took me 18 months to realize that with xmm. It really is all in our minds, the whole thing you see. We are writing these stories and these guys are just characters. None of it is real, except the part where they liked to have sex with us of course. But we took a grain of sand and made it a beach. (stole that from some guy here)

 

If you can understand that - really understand it and how you created it all - it gets a little easier. It was all make believe.

 

You are mourning something that never existed.

 

Don't think I don't get your pain, of course I do.

 

This is right ^^^ 100% .. In my honest opinion the sooner you accept the fact that there was or is no future with your xMM the easier it will be to move forward. Once I was able to realize this, accept it and embrace it the process became so much easier and the pain lessened.

 

I have heard someone refer to it as feeling like it was all a dream and that is how it feels (or a nightmare to be honest).. He never loved me because he only knew the affair version of me and vice versa. I heard a POdcast the other day where a woman ended up marrying 2 of her affair partners and neither time did it work out .She said the person she married wasn't the same person she had an affair with. This resonated with me because affairs are fantasy doesn't it make sense the person in them would be a fantasy too. This coming from someone who knew the person for 5 years before having an affair- I still don't believe the person i had an affair with is the same person i knew. I created this mental halo affect around them so I never saw any faults- I can guarantee you once the limerence wore off those faults would be magnified because of the pain caused by the affair and the choices i made.

 

Cut ties- and i don't mean physical ones i mean mental ones.

[Outofmysystem]

Happy new year everyone....I know this thread has gone cold for a min, just wanted to wish that though, and know that while we struggle (maybe) from time to time, moving forward is the positive thing to do (I tell myself that everyday)

 

I think the title of the thread though should be the "Apathetic Phase" because I think that's what we all wish to achieve.....

 

To give 0 f@cks about what the OM/OW is doing.... Period.