Destabilization Phase - part II

[Chica80]

Happy new year everyone....I know this thread has gone cold for a min, just wanted to wish that though, and know that while we struggle (maybe) from time to time, moving forward is the positive thing to do (I tell myself that everyday)

 

I think the title of the thread though should be the "Apathetic Phase" because I think that's what we all wish to achieve.....

 

To give 0 f@cks about what the OM/OW is doing.... Period.

 

Happy New Year OUT!!

[Rea]

I am very doubtful that "room mate" marriages exist. They would be rare.

 

MM like the OW to believe that's the way it is.

 

POppy.

 

You would be wrong poppy. Many many people are content to be in a marriage without physical intimacy where they are just co parenting, going through the motions, content for stability, comfort and company and to maintain a family unit. It's very common with many long term marriages.

 

Poppy, in my experience 'room mate' marriages exist more than you would believe. I was in one for a VERY long time. Not my choice.

 

I agree with what you have said Midlife, with the exception of the word 'content'. I doubt there are many who are truly content in a room mate marriage, with the exception of those embroiled in an affair where the spouse turns a blind eye because they are the with-holder of the physical affection. But I think that is a rare arrangement.

 

Most 'room mate' marriages create bitterness that may well fester, bubbling away under the surface of a 'great' marriage, a 'wonderful' life. It's easy to fake the 'contentness' of a room mate marriage while you are still raising a family because you throw yourself into family life, but one day the kids have grown up and the couple have to face each other and what their relationship has become. It's a terribly difficult relationship to 'live' in.

[spideywoman]

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

 

Hope you don't mind my joining the thread 2017 isn't off to a good start so I'm reading and posting and otherwise trying to keep busy and the thoughts away.

 

Before I chime in with my 2 cents about roommate marriages, I want to say: thanks guys. Never thought I'd get solace from a complete set of internet strangers but here I am. So, thank you for being so honest and open and raw.

 

Roommate marriages: I think they're pretty common as well. My parents were like that, it was a marriage of convenience of sorts. There was a fraternal love, there was respect, but it wasn't the kind of relationship I ever envisioned for myself. Then I ended up marrying my father. While I wasn't married for that long it also quickly became a roommate-type marriage since we really were not cut out for each other in an emotional sense. My now xH would have happily remained in it but i was not satisfied, so i left.

 

as for xmm's relationship, i have no idea really. he never spoke about his marriage or his wife; i never brought it up and didn't talk about my husband or marriage, either, and he didn't ask. i know his wife and have seen her a few times. they live apart so i'm sure that causes some sort of strain. my sense is that she's super dominant and without a doubt wears the pants and he just goes along with it and doesn't mind. he mentioned he did love her a few times which didn't bother me because i loved my husband, too. is there affection, intimacy beyond sex, etc. who the heck knows. it wasn't there for my xH and i. it was just a friendship and neither of us tried to make it anything else, sadly.

 

ok, ramble over.

Edited January 1, 2017 by spideywoman

[MidnightBlue1980]

Happy new year everyone....I know this thread has gone cold for a min, just wanted to wish that though, and know that while we struggle (maybe) from time to time, moving forward is the positive thing to do (I tell myself that everyday)

 

I think the title of the thread though should be the "Apathetic Phase" because I think that's what we all wish to achieve.....

 

To give 0 f@cks about what the OM/OW is doing.... Period.

 

Happy New Year everyone! I read this last night Out but I don't have my password saved on my phone and I have no idea what it is.

 

I want to move forward as well. I admit there is nothing magical about Jan 1st in terms of moving forward from the thoughts in my mind; I pretty much am exactly the same today as I was yesterday - I thought about him last night as I do most days.

 

But there is something different, I just don't want to BE this person anymore. I'm totally out of shape, have a good 10-15 lbs to lose, my diet is crap, my house is a mess, my home office is a mess. I'm just not living the life I want to be living and it's all right here. It's not like I need to meet someone, have kids, start a business, buy a house. It's all sitting there waiting - basically, my life is covered in a layer of dust because of all this xmm crap which has consumed my life for the last 2 years.

 

My resolution is to get some control over my own life, stop wallowing in all this junk, get centered, get happy, take care of myself and stop letting others' control my thoughts and actions. I'm 44. Life goes by really fast and then one day, it's over.

[Rea]

Happy New Year everyone! I read this last night Out but I don't have my password saved on my phone and I have no idea what it is.

 

I want to move forward as well. I admit there is nothing magical about Jan 1st in terms of moving forward from the thoughts in my mind; I pretty much am exactly the same today as I was yesterday - I thought about him last night as I do most days.

 

But there is something different, I just don't want to BE this person anymore. I'm totally out of shape, have a good 10-15 lbs to lose, my diet is crap, my house is a mess, my home office is a mess. I'm just not living the life I want to be living and it's all right here. It's not like I need to meet someone, have kids, start a business, buy a house. It's all sitting there waiting - basically, my life is covered in a layer of dust because of all this xmm crap which has consumed my life for the last 2 years.

 

My resolution is to get some control over my own life, stop wallowing in all this junk, get centered, get happy, take care of myself and stop letting others' control my thoughts and actions. I'm 44. Life goes by really fast and then one day, it's over.

 

Good luck Midnight, you can do it! I am in the process of regaining full control over my life. I could have written what you have. I have come a long way forward in gaining the control and stability of my emotions over the past six months. It's not easy. Take baby steps. Every small thing you accomplish builds into a bigger thing.

 

I painted a room. Then only put back in it what I really wanted there. I was so proud of this accomplishment, it spurred me on. I have nine rooms in my house and I only have one left to do. It was great to take my focus off xMM. I eventually realised I was going whole days without thinking about him. I had stopped checking my phone obsessively and it dawned on me just how much more relaxed I felt. It made me see how anxiously I had been living my life and how many things I had stopped doing that I previously enjoyed immensely. It sad how the affair consumes your whole being and for a long time you don't even notice it.

 

Happy New Year! To new beginnings!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Good luck Midnight, you can do it! I am in the process of regaining full control over my life. I could have written what you have. I have come a long way forward in gaining the control and stability of my emotions over the past six months. It's not easy. Take baby steps. Every small thing you accomplish builds into a bigger thing.

 

I painted a room. Then only put back in it what I really wanted there. I was so proud of this accomplishment, it spurred me on. I have nine rooms in my house and I only have one left to do. It was great to take my focus off xMM. I eventually realised I was going whole days without thinking about him. I had stopped checking my phone obsessively and it dawned on me just how much more relaxed I felt. It made me see how anxiously I had been living my life and how many things I had stopped doing that I previously enjoyed immensely. It sad how the affair consumes your whole being and for a long time you don't even notice it.

 

Happy New Year! To new beginnings!

 

Thanks! Yeah, I cleaned our bedroom today and my office is next. My husband came home and was really happy to see all my crap put away and me sweeping the floor. I agree, the affair consumes you and the social media /phone thing is the worst. I am not checking my email because I know I'm not going to hear from him but just to not be attached to my phone, it was good.

 

I'm just done with it all. I'm truly ready to reclaim my life and move on.

 

Like I post to other people, feelings and thoughts tend to fade if you are preoccupied with other stuff and then one day, you just don't think about him or her ever again (except the occasional, what was I thinking??)

 

To new beginnings!

[HeCantBreakMe]

To new beginnings and happiness due to closed doors..

 

To strength of mind and character.. to not letting the label of OW stick. And to not letting these as""holes have any more power over us.

[Rea]

Thanks! Yeah, I cleaned our bedroom today and my office is next. My husband came home and was really happy to see all my crap put away and me sweeping the floor. I agree, the affair consumes you and the social media /phone thing is the worst. I am not checking my email because I know I'm not going to hear from him but just to not be attached to my phone, it was good.

 

I'm just done with it all. I'm truly ready to reclaim my life and move on.

 

Like I post to other people, feelings and thoughts tend to fade if you are preoccupied with other stuff and then one day, you just don't think about him or her ever again (except the occasional, what was I thinking??)

 

To new beginnings!

 

It's a good feeling, decluttering physically, but the emotional decluttering that goes along with it feels so empowering! It can be tough to keep it up though. I know I have had times when I just want to cave, tell him how much I love and miss him and need to be near him physically. The highs with him were so, so good. But I know I cannot ever see him again, because the lows are just not worth it to me anymore. I'm not the person I once was, but I am determined to be a much improved version of my former self.

 

I guess all that decluttering emotionally has helped me rebuild my self esteem. I'm looking forward to a little warmer weather, so that I can get out into the garden and do some weeding. That should be really therapeutic!

[HeCantBreakMe]

It's a good feeling, decluttering physically, but the emotional decluttering that goes along with it feels so empowering! It can be tough to keep it up though. I know I have had times when I just want to cave, tell him how much I love and miss him and need to be near him physically. The highs with him were so, so good. But I know I cannot ever see him again, because the lows are just not worth it to me anymore. I'm not the person I once was, but I am determined to be a much improved version of my former self.

 

I guess all that decluttering emotionally has helped me rebuild my self esteem. I'm looking forward to a little warmer weather, so that I can get out into the garden and do some weeding. That should be really therapeutic!

 

Mine emailed me via work email over Christmas to tell me Merry Christmas. He also saw my facebook and told me to stop posting pics in a certain dress and that I looked beautiful. It's more of the same. I realize the cycle can only continue if I allow it and I have too much else to worry about right now than him.. i do have to jump back into work with him in the new year. But I made a decision I am not leaving my job unless something better comes along (I am looking) but I love what I do and he can't ruin that for me not anymore.

[Rea]

Mine emailed me via work email over Christmas to tell me Merry Christmas. He also saw my facebook and told me to stop posting pics in a certain dress and that I looked beautiful. It's more of the same. I realize the cycle can only continue if I allow it and I have too much else to worry about right now than him.. i do have to jump back into work with him in the new year. But I made a decision I am not leaving my job unless something better comes along (I am looking) but I love what I do and he can't ruin that for me not anymore.

 

Throwing you compliments, hoping you'll be flattered, keeping you interested...

 

You're right, it's always the same. Most MM's behaviour seems to follow the same pattern. It really doesn't matter whether they mean it or not, that's what I realised, eventually! I needed to stop asking whether he really loved me, it was whether he loved me enough that was the deal breaker. That was what stops the cycle. You bet your life he said he did...and if he didn't have a family...and I'm his true love...and he's coping with living at home and but being in love with me...

 

I wonder sometimes how they do cope, going home, being with their spouse...knowing...

 

Focus on you, the job you enjoy and I hope whatever other stresses you are dealing with ease up with the New Year.

Edited January 2, 2017 by Rea
Typo

[Chica80]

Mine emailed me via work email over Christmas to tell me Merry Christmas. He also saw my facebook and told me to stop posting pics in a certain dress and that I looked beautiful. It's more of the same. I realize the cycle can only continue if I allow it and I have too much else to worry about right now than him.. i do have to jump back into work with him in the new year. But I made a decision I am not leaving my job unless something better comes along (I am looking) but I love what I do and he can't ruin that for me not anymore.

 

I thought you ruined his life? (rolling my eyes....)

[ShatteredLady]

I've just received this from my ex. I haven't seen him in 26 years (since I split with him). I've been very clear about my lack of intentions & asked him to leave me alone...

 

"No!!!!! All I want you to say is you love me, or at least would want to see me again, you have no idea about love my beautiful (pet name)!!! And I have had a ruined life and only wish to have another."

 

....Ahhhh so romantic! He's spent his life using different women. Really read those words!! It's manipulative twaddle! I "have no idea about love"!!!! I've been married for 20 years with 2 beautiful children & I don't know!!! Oh & I've ruined his life!!! What about the poor woman who's been loving & supporting him for the last decade!!!

 

If this is a glimpse of the crap you have to put-up with....OMG!! Really?!?!

 

He's just trying to get me to respond & I'm NOT going to!! Ugh!!! What's wrong with some people?!?! Ffft!

[HeCantBreakMe]

I thought you ruined his life? (rolling my eyes....)

 

lol if he thought that was ruining his life how would he feel if I told his wife??... not gonna do it honestly at this point life has a way of coming back around..

 

Best way I can "ruin his life" is to enjoy mine without him in it!

[spideywoman]

I've just received this from my ex. I haven't seen him in 26 years (since I split with him). I've been very clear about my lack of intentions & asked him to leave me alone...

 

"No!!!!! All I want you to say is you love me, or at least would want to see me again, you have no idea about love my beautiful (pet name)!!! And I have had a ruined life and only wish to have another."

 

....Ahhhh so romantic! He's spent his life using different women. Really read those words!! It's manipulative twaddle! I "have no idea about love"!!!! I've been married for 20 years with 2 beautiful children & I don't know!!! Oh & I've ruined his life!!! What about the poor woman who's been loving & supporting him for the last decade!!!

 

If this is a glimpse of the crap you have to put-up with....OMG!! Really?!?!

 

He's just trying to get me to respond & I'm NOT going to!! Ugh!!! What's wrong with some people?!?! Ffft!

 

SL i always enjoy reading your posts, this one included. he does sound like he's not on planet earth and a bit too suave for my taste. kind of like a martian guido. it really is a line, perhaps one he has used many times before (sorry but i'm judging the guy from half a world away.) i didn't have this kind of nonsense with xmm but of course looking back there were many other sweet nothings exchanged.

 

i think the key is, if you have no interest remotely in a guy (this one or another, married or not) then these lines make you go "eeewwwww," laugh out loud, then run the other way. however if there's an attraction, a spark, or if you're someone who's starved for attention / 'love' / whatever, that's when the slope gets slippery, even with a less forward approach. and then you find yourself on LS.

 

i think of you often, oddly. i really hope you do well back in the UK. it must be a difficult adjustment.

 

big hug to you.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you so much Spidey. It's so strange moving back home. It's only been a month & still feels like we're on vacation really. Know what I mean? There's so much to think about & stress about. I can remember my thought process & feelings moving to the states 18 years ago. I took it all in my stride!

 

My parents took me to the airport (My H had already been there for a few months. I remained home to handle all of the logistics) to see me off. My Mum cried at the gate & even my Dad got a little damp in the eyes...It truly hadn't struck me as such a big deal. I don't know why. In hindsight it was a HUGE life changing endeavor even though we only expected to stay for 3-5 years.

 

Thinking about it I always took things in my stride. I could comprehend the magnitude of some things but I guess when you're young you instinctively 'get' that if things don't work-out as planned you just make new plans...or something like that.

 

 

As a teenager I lived in my own little world. I just drifted on through. I knew I was a bit weird but in a good way. Education came very easy to me. I was shy but not in a self-conscious way. I can't remember being particularly bothered by what anyone thought. As long as I didn't disappoint my parents (the most humbling sin imaginable) all was good.

 

I left home at 17 & bought my own flat (apartment) rented out the spare bedroom, wrote magazine short stories, modeled for artist friends & did some of those teenage girls photograph comic-strip like magazines for cash. I'd met my ex at 15. Everyone else was pairing off. I'd had a few bf's but never cared much. "The unbearable lightness of being"!!

 

He was the quintessential bad-boy, guitarist, poet, ego like you couldn't imagine. Apparently he was obsessed with me from a distance. The story goes...He was talking about me one day & his friends said, "Oh (shattered) looks like Kate Bush, never dates, you don't stand a chance!!". Game on!!

 

Truth is, try as they might, no amount of describing by my incredibly jealous gf's could make me recall who on earth he was. We ended-up snogging very drunk at a party & apparently that meant we were "going-out" together! Who knew!! He fell very hard & very deep. God I didn't realize until recently how much older than me he was...at least 6-7 years. Perv!!! Hahaha! Just joking. No-one knew how old I was at the time.

 

Well, cut a long story short, my bad-boy, rockstar poet turned into a good-boy besotted, loving bf overnight. NOT what I signed-up for but it was fun going to concerts, having songs & poems written about me. We spent our formative years together. I confess that I split-up with him a couple of times because I fancied other boys but he was always there when I got bored. (I wasn't exactly a kind & considerate gf in my teens. I never really understood why girls took it so seriously).

Perseverance made him a common fixture in my formative years. We basically grew-up together. He was fantastic for me in many ways. He gave me the confidence to do anything that crossed my mind. He believed that I was the most stunning, amazing, brilliant creature that had ever walked the planet & that does have a way of rubbing off on a young ego. Women fawned over him but he was blinkered.

 

I never had a good reason for dumping him really. His "you're going to leave me & have a wonderful life, leaving me alone & haunted for the rest of my life".... depression started to grate on me. Breaking-up kind of took away his motivation & his home. I think I may have some residual guilt over that. His Dad who he had a very complex relationship with died last summer. When my friend contacted me in November saying that he wanted my email I discussed it with my H & we thought it would be harmless....

 

To begin with it was fun catching-up. We have a lot in common, literature, poetry, theater, indy movies, music. I don't really have anyone like that in my life. To be honest, given everything I'd been through, it was kind of therapeutic to be remembering a time when things were so simple & positive.

 

Could I of easily fallen into an affair at this vulnerable time in my life? Maybe? Given my experiences with my H the thought of his (unmentioned) girlfriend who I know he's lived with for the last decade made me feel nauseas when the declarations of endless love started. Had circumstances been different? I CAN see how easily it can happen. I could of taken it as an ago trip but truthfully I felt sorry for him. Would his life of been very different, more fulfilling, if I hadn't left him? Probably BUT only because he would of had me pushing him every inch of the way!!

 

The way I see it....He's at 'that' age (50's), he's taking stock & he really hasn't done very much with his life BUT I HAVE!! I think he sees me as some kind of redemption. He's coming off as very messed-up though. It's like he has this fantasy that he's including me in & regardless of what I say he's not going to change the script. We are the greatest love story ever told. I must love him, how could I not? He accuses me of lying when I say that I love my husband, my family, my life. He's even said, "Stop lying to yourself! Letting me go is the biggest regret of your life!". WTF!! I was 20! He doesn't know ME. I've lived a life full of experiences. I'm not that girl anymore & even when I was I dumped him!!!

 

Anyway, it's been an interesting & educational experience. It's also been strangely bonding for my H & me, which is a very good thing! I'm not as callous as I seem. Unrequited love is tragic for anyone & he did play a large role in my life. When we were together I had the feeling that I was his muse to become a bleeding heart poet (he is very talented) & a good excuse for him to revert to the bad-boy who treats women badly.

 

I haven't contacted his partner! I feel rather hypocritical. I often take the "tell the BS she deserves to know the truth of the life she's living" stance here on LS. It's more complicated in real life isn't it? As I said, this has been educational.

 

Happy 2017 ladies. My New Years resolution is to sort my s**t out! I wish the same for all of you out there hurting. Men are strange creatures. The only one I want to understand & love is mine. I hope we get our act together. It's been an amazing life that we've been sharing for the last 1/4 century!!

Edited January 3, 2017 by ShatteredLady

[Outofmysystem]

Ah, the thread has sprung back to life....I have to say, now that Christmas and New Years is over, (hectic time for retail people) life can return to normal.....I hope everyone had a great holiday and had lots of positive moments with friends and family?!.

 

Blue, once again, we are on the same page so to speak....I feel your "neglect" in your physical surroundings, I've started to "de-clutter" myself....I was out of shape towards the end of the Affair as well in Sep of 2015, but that's when I used the pain, lying and betrayal of OW to motivate me to really change and workout again. Proud to say I'm on round 7 of my 3 month program and I have achieved a lot through it, not just the lost weight and muscle, but the well being that comes with it....plus I think if OW were to see me now, she'd shat her pants, lol.....they say the best revenge is to look great

 

Good luck with yours.....and like you, I have all the blessings around me as well....thank God for them....I'll be thinking about you and your happiness.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ah, the thread has sprung back to life....I have to say, now that Christmas and New Years is over, (hectic time for retail people) life can return to normal.....I hope everyone had a great holiday and had lots of positive moments with friends and family?!.

 

Blue, once again, we are on the same page so to speak....I feel your "neglect" in your physical surroundings, I've started to "de-clutter" myself....I was out of shape towards the end of the Affair as well in Sep of 2015, but that's when I used the pain, lying and betrayal of OW to motivate me to really change and workout again. Proud to say I'm on round 7 of my 3 month program and I have achieved a lot through it, not just the lost weight and muscle, but the well being that comes with it....plus I think if OW were to see me now, she'd shat her pants, lol.....they say the best revenge is to look great

 

Good luck with yours.....and like you, I have all the blessings around me as well....thank God for them....I'll be thinking about you and your happiness.

 

I think we need something for us old timers. There are a lot of threads by recently heartbroken OW. I guess the holiday season brings out something in mm to recommit to their wives. It is different talking to someone 2 days out of an A compared to a year.

 

That is awesome Out. Good for you! I saw Jenkins joined a gym. He had done the opposite of you he said, put on like 60 lbs or something. We all grieve in our own ways.

 

I spent the last 2 days cleaning my office and bedroom, which were a complete disaster. I even pulled out the ShopVac. I did wear my Fitbit as I was on my feet the whole time, the gym comes tomorrow. I'm ready to get back in fighting shape. He's not going to see me, but if I am out of shape come May, I will be depressed.

 

I think about him but since he's gone, there is not much to think about except the past. I read all these threads. My story is not much different except luckily it was only 5 months.

 

I just want to never think about him again for the rest of my life. Like he never existed. I'm getting there.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I think we need something for us old timers. There are a lot of threads by recently heartbroken OW. I guess the holiday season brings out something in mm to recommit to their wives. It is different talking to someone 2 days out of an A compared to a year.

 

That is awesome Out. Good for you! I saw Jenkins joined a gym. He had done the opposite of you he said, put on like 60 lbs or something. We all grieve in our own ways.

 

I spent the last 2 days cleaning my office and bedroom, which were a complete disaster. I even pulled out the ShopVac. I did wear my Fitbit as I was on my feet the whole time, the gym comes tomorrow. I'm ready to get back in fighting shape. He's not going to see me, but if I am out of shape come May, I will be depressed.

 

I think about him but since he's gone, there is not much to think about except the past. I read all these threads. My story is not much different except luckily it was only 5 months.

 

I just want to never think about him again for the rest of my life. Like he never existed. I'm getting there.

 

You all inspired me. I decluttered today too. It actually felt really good. I honestly feel like I am reclaiming my mind .. I still think about him but it isn't in the miss him love him way.. it is more in the "how in the hell was I so blind" he occupies my thoughts constantly but there isn't an ache there anymore .. I feel that I faced the emotions and dealt with them but now I just have to retrain my mind. I still can't figure out why I still think of him .. even when I see it all for what it was..

 

Reading that I am not the only one who does this is really helpful.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You all inspired me. I decluttered today too. It actually felt really good. I honestly feel like I am reclaiming my mind .. I still think about him but it isn't in the miss him love him way.. it is more in the "how in the hell was I so blind" he occupies my thoughts constantly but there isn't an ache there anymore .. I feel that I faced the emotions and dealt with them but now I just have to retrain my mind. I still can't figure out why I still think of him .. even when I see it all for what it was..

 

Reading that I am not the only one who does this is really helpful.

 

Different from the other posters is that my bad time to remember is this time a year ago. I was dropped so hard and run over, tire marks in me, and the two weeks between Christmas and New Years were horrible. I prepared for the first time I was going to see him by shopping. I literally stopped eating and dropped 10 lbs in 2 weeks. But I had this idea he was thinking of me as I was thinking of him (wrong, he was actually out using his new Fitbit, enjoying life now that his bad habit - me - was done).

 

But so I bought these big floppy hats, a coat, feminine gloves, and these dresses. I wore it all last January and February. When I see it all, it reminds me of that dark time. I have not worn any of it and the hats are the worst. I packed it all up and put it upstairs in storage. I see the stuff I bought to impress him (with what? my sexuality in a big hat and lady gloves?) and I just hate it all. I'm in my wool hats with big pompoms on them this year.

 

It is as if, I need to be nothing like that person in 15/16.

 

Not sure if this makes sense.

[Outofmysystem]

Hecantbreakme, I'm glad that our stories (as much as we have told) have helped in some way....I know when I came in here September/October of 2015 I was panicked, searching the Internet for anything that I could read to help me....it was a horrible, emotional time for me at one point just after her dropping the bomb on me, I literally couldn't sit still for more than a minute without loosing my ****!....so I've been there....

 

I hope all these posts help others (lurking or not) to realize that although the fantasy is addictive, comforting, loving and all consuming....it's an addiction....to just another person...and they aren't anything more than just that, just another person....

 

In my case I see it more everyday....as my XDOW has moved on to date (TRUELY an ugly co-worker...common pattern for her I now see)...ME, the exception on looks obviously, it makes me think to myself, WTF was I doing and what the hell did I see in her.....

 

Just finished texting with a couple of x-co worker friends of mine tonight, women, and we had a great time coming up with some hilarious memes about her ugly bf....it was a lot of fun....

 

That sort of stuff takes the "seriousness" out of this whole thing and in my case, helps with my recovery....

 

Blue, I know what you mean about "old timers", lol...going on a year and a half now since the break up and I'm still a work in progress....but wherever we need to post, here or somewhere else....I still like the company...

 

Of everyone....this is all therapy ....cheap therapy at that!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Just finished texting with a couple of x-co worker friends of mine tonight, women, and we had a great time coming up with some hilarious memes about her ugly bf....it was a lot of fun....

 

That sort of stuff takes the "seriousness" out of this whole thing and in my case, helps with my recovery....

 

Blue, I know what you mean about "old timers", lol...going on a year and a half now since the break up and I'm still a work in progress....but wherever we need to post, here or somewhere else....I still like the company...

 

Of everyone....this is all therapy ....cheap therapy at that!

 

I saw a therapist but it's like, no one can understand how you feel unless you have been through it. It's not a normal break-up. But neither is is like the newbies posting now because for us, it's long over, only the scars and memories remain. It's like a war-time injury, a memory of times gone by.

 

The person is gone. The years have passed. But the pain remains. And who can understand that other than people who have been through it and come out the other side? All we can hope is one day it all just goes away perhaps.

 

My fear - I saw a movie about some guy, set in Italy, and he loved this woman his whole life. I think he was married or there was some reason they couldn't be together. At the end of the movie, he is with his son, and they walk by the house where the woman lives. He's a widow now and his son says, knock on the door. But his whole life he wanted to be with her but chose the "right" path and feels what is the point now, so he says no, and you know the woman who loves him is inside. But he walks on. Two people, in love their whole life. All a waste. For what?

 

Now xmm is not this guy. I know he is not thinking about me. He is not like you Out or the guys here. He is a POS. So I do not want to be thinking about him. I want to forget he breathes.

[Chica80]

So far 2017 is off to a great start!!

 

I feel you Blue, OUT on the decluttering. I started de cluttering last week. Cleaned my place like crazy and getting stuff in order.

 

NYE went out with friends, And kissed this really cute guy at midnight. It was such a fun night and a great start to the year.

 

MM text me NYE. Happy New Years and some other well wishes. But it did not pull did not have power...Maybe it was the distractions or I'm just staying stronger.

 

I have a date tomorrow night....

[spideywoman]

Thank you so much Spidey. It's so strange moving back home. It's only been a month & still feels like we're on vacation really. Know what I mean? There's so much to think about & stress about. I can remember my thought process & feelings moving to the states 18 years ago. I took it all in my stride!

 

My parents took me to the airport (My H had already been there for a few months. I remained home to handle all of the logistics) to see me off. My Mum cried at the gate & even my Dad got a little damp in the eyes...It truly hadn't struck me as such a big deal. I don't know why. In hindsight it was a HUGE life changing endeavor even though we only expected to stay for 3-5 years.

 

Thinking about it I always took things in my stride. I could comprehend the magnitude of some things but I guess when you're young you instinctively 'get' that if things don't work-out as planned you just make new plans...or something like that.

 

 

As a teenager I lived in my own little world. I just drifted on through. I knew I was a bit weird but in a good way. Education came very easy to me. I was shy but not in a self-conscious way. I can't remember being particularly bothered by what anyone thought. As long as I didn't disappoint my parents (the most humbling sin imaginable) all was good.

 

I left home at 17 & bought my own flat (apartment) rented out the spare bedroom, wrote magazine short stories, modeled for artist friends & did some of those teenage girls photograph comic-strip like magazines for cash. I'd met my ex at 15. Everyone else was pairing off. I'd had a few bf's but never cared much. "The unbearable lightness of being"!!

 

He was the quintessential bad-boy, guitarist, poet, ego like you couldn't imagine. Apparently he was obsessed with me from a distance. The story goes...He was talking about me one day & his friends said, "Oh (shattered) looks like Kate Bush, never dates, you don't stand a chance!!". Game on!!

 

Truth is, try as they might, no amount of describing by my incredibly jealous gf's could make me recall who on earth he was. We ended-up snogging very drunk at a party & apparently that meant we were "going-out" together! Who knew!! He fell very hard & very deep. God I didn't realize until recently how much older than me he was...at least 6-7 years. Perv!!! Hahaha! Just joking. No-one knew how old I was at the time.

 

Well, cut a long story short, my bad-boy, rockstar poet turned into a good-boy besotted, loving bf overnight. NOT what I signed-up for but it was fun going to concerts, having songs & poems written about me. We spent our formative years together. I confess that I split-up with him a couple of times because I fancied other boys but he was always there when I got bored. (I wasn't exactly a kind & considerate gf in my teens. I never really understood why girls took it so seriously).

Perseverance made him a common fixture in my formative years. We basically grew-up together. He was fantastic for me in many ways. He gave me the confidence to do anything that crossed my mind. He believed that I was the most stunning, amazing, brilliant creature that had ever walked the planet & that does have a way of rubbing off on a young ego. Women fawned over him but he was blinkered.

 

I never had a good reason for dumping him really. His "you're going to leave me & have a wonderful life, leaving me alone & haunted for the rest of my life".... depression started to grate on me. Breaking-up kind of took away his motivation & his home. I think I may have some residual guilt over that. His Dad who he had a very complex relationship with died last summer. When my friend contacted me in November saying that he wanted my email I discussed it with my H & we thought it would be harmless....

 

To begin with it was fun catching-up. We have a lot in common, literature, poetry, theater, indy movies, music. I don't really have anyone like that in my life. To be honest, given everything I'd been through, it was kind of therapeutic to be remembering a time when things were so simple & positive.

 

Could I of easily fallen into an affair at this vulnerable time in my life? Maybe? Given my experiences with my H the thought of his (unmentioned) girlfriend who I know he's lived with for the last decade made me feel nauseas when the declarations of endless love started. Had circumstances been different? I CAN see how easily it can happen. I could of taken it as an ago trip but truthfully I felt sorry for him. Would his life of been very different, more fulfilling, if I hadn't left him? Probably BUT only because he would of had me pushing him every inch of the way!!

 

The way I see it....He's at 'that' age (50's), he's taking stock & he really hasn't done very much with his life BUT I HAVE!! I think he sees me as some kind of redemption. He's coming off as very messed-up though. It's like he has this fantasy that he's including me in & regardless of what I say he's not going to change the script. We are the greatest love story ever told. I must love him, how could I not? He accuses me of lying when I say that I love my husband, my family, my life. He's even said, "Stop lying to yourself! Letting me go is the biggest regret of your life!". WTF!! I was 20! He doesn't know ME. I've lived a life full of experiences. I'm not that girl anymore & even when I was I dumped him!!!

 

Anyway, it's been an interesting & educational experience. It's also been strangely bonding for my H & me, which is a very good thing! I'm not as callous as I seem. Unrequited love is tragic for anyone & he did play a large role in my life. When we were together I had the feeling that I was his muse to become a bleeding heart poet (he is very talented) & a good excuse for him to revert to the bad-boy who treats women badly.

 

I haven't contacted his partner! I feel rather hypocritical. I often take the "tell the BS she deserves to know the truth of the life she's living" stance here on LS. It's more complicated in real life isn't it? As I said, this has been educational.

 

Happy 2017 ladies. My New Years resolution is to sort my s**t out! I wish the same for all of you out there hurting. Men are strange creatures. The only one I want to understand & love is mine. I hope we get our act together. It's been an amazing life that we've been sharing for the last 1/4 century!!

 

you don't come off as callous at all telling the rock star / bad boy guitarist story. on the contrary. there's a lot of understanding and i daresay compassion which allows you to see beyond what's on the surface. it very much does sound like he's re-evaluating life and the choices he has made. and once again arguably the one stable and emotionally mature woman he has been with is back in the picture, albeit proverbially, to bring him back to reality. i'm sure he's very well aware that the "line" he tried on you which may have worked in the past is no longer something he can rely on to get by to fill whatever void he needs to feel.

 

but, as you said, no need to utilize brain cells on him and keep focusing on understanding your husband. i really do hope you guys are able to re-establish some sort of a new normalcy sooner rather than later.

 

when i moved to the US i was a teenager and like you came back 'home' after exactly 18 years also. this was a few years ago already. needless to say, i can empathize with your current state of mind vis a vis the move. my situation was totally different, i wasn't moving with kids and a husband and amidst emotional turmoil, but i understand the challenges. with time it'll settle down and it'll begin to feel like the new chapter it is, that i can promise and as i'm sure you know.

 

happy 2017 again to all of us who need a little extra somthin' somethin' this year.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hecantbreakme, I'm glad that our stories (as much as we have told) have helped in some way....I know when I came in here September/October of 2015 I was panicked, searching the Internet for anything that I could read to help me....it was a horrible, emotional time for me at one point just after her dropping the bomb on me, I literally couldn't sit still for more than a minute without loosing my ****!....so I've been there....

 

I hope all these posts help others (lurking or not) to realize that although the fantasy is addictive, comforting, loving and all consuming....it's an addiction....to just another person...and they aren't anything more than just that, just another person....

 

In my case I see it more everyday....as my XDOW has moved on to date (TRUELY an ugly co-worker...common pattern for her I now see)...ME, the exception on looks obviously, it makes me think to myself, WTF was I doing and what the hell did I see in her.....

 

Just finished texting with a couple of x-co worker friends of mine tonight, women, and we had a great time coming up with some hilarious memes about her ugly bf....it was a lot of fun....

 

That sort of stuff takes the "seriousness" out of this whole thing and in my case, helps with my recovery....

 

Blue, I know what you mean about "old timers", lol...going on a year and a half now since the break up and I'm still a work in progress....but wherever we need to post, here or somewhere else....I still like the company...

 

Of everyone....this is all therapy ....cheap therapy at that!

 

I felt the same way which is how i found this website which was around April of 2016. I spent hours pouring over posts old posts, new posts everything it was like reading about my affair over and over again. I wish i had came to this site sooner!!

 

Oh well - onwards and upwards.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I felt the same way which is how i found this website which was around April of 2016. I spent hours pouring over posts old posts, new posts everything it was like reading about my affair over and over again. I wish i had came to this site sooner!!

 

Oh well - onwards and upwards.

 

You know I think you should get out of that job HCBM. You are going to be just like me. I wasted my entire 2016. Why are you doing this to yourself? Is the job really that great?

 

And your husband? My H and I fought every Tuesday. I can't imagine working with him daily. It is so much better now that he is gone.

 

It was my pride and ego. I'll tell you. Now he is gone and I'm not sure what I fought for. I fought to just win. I won the battle but lost the war. I'm a mess and it's going to take time to feel better, if I ever do.