MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Congratulations Midnight Blue, It gets that way doesn't it. He is just somebody that I USED TO KNOW. I have counted NC weeks. It's 9.5 months today!!! I am just waiting for the year to pass. It seems the grieving process needs to move through the anniversaries and memorable events, then it improves. The thought of ever going back to him is my worst nightmare. I remember all the stress and waiting and rearranging my life to fit in with his. He was very high maintenance with texts and phone calls. At times it drove me mental. He really sucked the life out of me and I still haven't recovered. Getting calmer and more optimistic each day though. Jen is fortunate enough to have the opportunity to say her piece. XMM would never put himself in that position. I know that he is totally bored with his life, his social circle (all his wife's friends) and hates retirement. Maybe that is his punishment. We should all try to get out of "the affair state of mind". Poppy. I agree. For your situation Poppy, I would think it is extra difficult since you were married for a long time and then the first guy you got involved with, was this guy unable to give you a normal relationship. The whole dating landscape has changed and I would bet you probably are not sure how to even approach it? Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Ha.. Jen is my new hero. I loved her response. There is always a chance xmm will come sniffing around again at my door I hope I am as cool as Jen.. So over the affair and xmm... husband and I started doing house projects today it has been since before the affair since I did these since I never knew if there would be a house in my future..it feels good and it feels right.. my life is finally coming back together . I have spent over a year in a hell of my own making and all for what?? !!!! The beginning of the end feels amazing. It is a very surreal feeling, letting go. I will admit I am a bit stuck on something, but I cannot put my finger on what. It's not like the other posters, I'm not pining for him or any of that stuff. But I read this post the other day on the Infidelity Board and this guy was saying how he keeps getting back involved with his AP because of "her sex" (as if all we are is a big v*gina) and how he lies to her, future fakes, says what she wants to hear, all to get sex. It's a drug to him and he wishes he could stay away from her. I don't think women get hooked like that on sex with a specific man, it's about our feelings, but there was a wow feeling as I read it, and I realized that was probably how my x saw me. After all, he spent all 2016 telling me he loved me but how he was trying to be "good". I really had no such internal dilemma as once he proved himself to be a total POS, the chances of me hooking up with him were zero. I could not control my feelings but I could control my actions, and I did. It boggles my mind that men would do all that just to get sex - esp when they can just get laid at home - to tell another woman they love her and all this future faking crap, all for an orgasm? But like I've said, I don't understand molecular biology but I believe it to be true based on the fact that all the scientists can't be wrong. So I believe I was lied to, a huge elaborate set up and while it seems crazy, it makes sense, you know? It fits. When you eliminate all the impossible, you are left with the truth. I got off track but my point is that I spend a lot of time thinking about that kind of stuff, how it all happened, my state of mind, why he did what he did to me and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 It boggles my mind that men would do all that just to get sex - esp when they can just get laid at home - to tell another woman they love her and all this future faking crap, all for an orgasm? But like I've said, I don't understand molecular biology but I believe it to be true based on the fact that all the scientists can't be wrong. So I believe I was lied to, a huge elaborate set up and while it seems crazy, it makes sense, you know? It fits. When you eliminate all the impossible, you are left with the truth. I got off track but my point is that I spend a lot of time thinking about that kind of stuff, how it all happened, my state of mind, why he did what he did to me and so on. I'm doing a lot of analysis too and I don't really understand it either. Mine was more direct than most, didn't feel the need to lie to me (probably because he knew I already had a crush on him). He said a lot of things, but some of them rang true. One of those was that, by way of explanation for his actions, he needed other women's pussies. Pretty vulgar, but I believed it. He also said he felt trapped. I guess for some men, being confined to one woman for life feels like a death sentence. One they chose of course - lol. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 I'm doing a lot of analysis too and I don't really understand it either. Mine was more direct than most, didn't feel the need to lie to me (probably because he knew I already had a crush on him). He said a lot of things, but some of them rang true. One of those was that, by way of explanation for his actions, he needed other women's pussies. Pretty vulgar, but I believed it. He also said he felt trapped. I guess for some men, being confined to one woman for life feels like a death sentence. One they chose of course - lol. I don't want to lump the entire male gender together, there are always outliers, but did you ever read The Call of The Wild by Jack London? It's about a dog (Buck) who was happy enough at home till one night he ran with wolves, then he was never the same. He felt the "call of the wild" and he longed for that freedom, that taste of the unknown. He was conflicted between his true nature and his love for his master. To me, that is what men are like. There is always that call of the wild, and of course his level of faithfulness depends on the man and how domesticated he is, how happy at home. Some men, no matter what you do at home, the call is too strong, they will cheat no matter what you do, while others may think about it but they are more easily satisfied with a hot meal, a nice wife and an occasional blow job. So for women like you and me, we need to realize that when you/we meet a man who is married (and for me I am married so this is always) it's just a guy who couldn't be domesticated and is running around trying to...be wild. Nothing will come from it. If you see a married man running towards you, run in the other direction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Blue, Jah, interesting thoughts that you all are having....I've done analysis on my end as well because my XDOW had a "typical" mans idea about sex....if there is a stereotypical one....she could be all about hers, not that she was selfish, but that she was thinking about nothing but....which is usually what most guys are accused of....she used to thank me, almost every time for ****ing her, she would actually say it, kind of a half joke.... What trapped me about just that part was her willingness to do whatever, and her instant responses just from kissing and foreplay......its a very powerful thing....and I did not "run with the pack", nothing typical for me, so having that kind of connection and chemistry was every bit a drug..... That said, I was addicted to the whole person, not just her holes, lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Blue, Jah, interesting thoughts that you all are having....I've done analysis on my end as well because my XDOW had a "typical" mans idea about sex....if there is a stereotypical one....she could be all about hers, not that she was selfish, but that she was thinking about nothing but....which is usually what most guys are accused of....she used to thank me, almost every time for ****ing her, she would actually say it, kind of a half joke.... What trapped me about just that part was her willingness to do whatever, and her instant responses just from kissing and foreplay......its a very powerful thing....and I did not "run with the pack", nothing typical for me, so having that kind of connection and chemistry was every bit a drug..... That said, I was addicted to the whole person, not just her holes, lol. Well yea, that is why I prefaced my comment by the statement that there are outliers or exceptions to the rule. While I do not know you IRL obviously, you seem different from the rest, as does Jenkins, as does a male friend I have IRL. But I've learned as a woman you should always assume you are the rule, not the exception and that a guy is only there to use you in this situation. On the flip side, your DOW sounds a lot like the men we deal with. Total jerks. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 AS things seem to have degraded and we haven't seen the OP in a month we'll let this one join Part I and leave it closed ~T Link to post Share on other sites
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