Destabilization Phase - part II

[spideywoman]

So far 2017 is off to a great start!!

 

I feel you Blue, OUT on the decluttering. I started de cluttering last week. Cleaned my place like crazy and getting stuff in order.

 

NYE went out with friends, And kissed this really cute guy at midnight. It was such a fun night and a great start to the year.

 

MM text me NYE. Happy New Years and some other well wishes. But it did not pull did not have power...Maybe it was the distractions or I'm just staying stronger.

 

I have a date tomorrow night....

 

Awesome Sunshine! Let us know how it goes, even if it's just great conversation and a good meal how it made you feel, etc.

 

there's something about decluterring at this time of year. a friend of mine says a calendar shouldn't dictate anything but i disagree. it's still a symbol of something, a fresh start, new beginnings. i had been meaning to clean out and replenish my sock drawer and i finally did. check. had a few summertime blouses that have needed some stain removing since august. check. shoes that needed polishing. check. and i bought my dog a new set of water / food bowls. he's happy and so am i.

 

30 minutes into 2017 i stood over my kitchen sink and literally burned two things that were still in my wallet: a random note he had written and a b/w printout of a selfie. i felt like i needed to mark the occasion somehow: my commitment to myself to move on. it was a very tough, emotional night. i was a complete mess and felt like the last five months didn't exist and i was back to square one. but i woke up better the next day and now a few days later, even better.

 

i, too, have received several emails from xmm over the past few weeks. didn't respond to any of them. the last one, two days ago, i struggled with. shall i respond, shall i not? i went back and forth. but ultimately i didn't and won't. as Sunshine said, the pull isn't as strong and more importantly, i hold the strings. feels good to be empowered.

[HeCantBreakMe]

You know I think you should get out of that job HCBM. You are going to be just like me. I wasted my entire 2016. Why are you doing this to yourself? Is the job really that great?

 

And your husband? My H and I fought every Tuesday. I can't imagine working with him daily. It is so much better now that he is gone.

 

It was my pride and ego. I'll tell you. Now he is gone and I'm not sure what I fought for. I fought to just win. I won the battle but lost the war. I'm a mess and it's going to take time to feel better, if I ever do.

 

This is so hard though MB because I have not found another job and i am not jumping into just anything. If it was just me (and I wasn't married) I would stay and not worry about it. I am getting better - well seeing the light would be a better phrase (still painful) but I am starting to feel disgusted at the entire thing more than anything.

 

But of course my husband is involved and he wants me out of here.. What a mess. We will see how i feel once this holiday season is over and he returns to the office (he is off the month of December) so I haven't seen him for a while. Also, he moved offices so he isn't right down the hall from me and i can work from home a few days a week to avoid him.

 

I know many would say just leave but it isn't that easy when it is a career you have spent a lot of time working on and getting another job in this industry is VERY difficult. I was at one point ready to jump ship and NOT work but I dont think that would be good for me at all- I know myself well enough to know that would be worse then staying here and dealing with my emotions on a daily basis.

[ladydesigner]

So far 2017 is off to a great start!!

 

I feel you Blue, OUT on the decluttering. I started de cluttering last week. Cleaned my place like crazy and getting stuff in order.

 

NYE went out with friends, And kissed this really cute guy at midnight. It was such a fun night and a great start to the year.

 

MM text me NYE. Happy New Years and some other well wishes. But it did not pull did not have power...Maybe it was the distractions or I'm just staying stronger.

I have a date tomorrow night....

 

I am so happy for you!

[Chica80]

I am so happy for you!

 

Ya date went well.....

 

He's nice he's funny...but....

 

On the one hand I tell myself it's a distraction. He helps me move on right....

On the other....Do I really want to get into this now.

 

I should be focusing on me. My own things my own stuff.....

 

Ugh....

[Poppy47]

Ya date went well.....

 

He's nice he's funny...but....

 

On the one hand I tell myself it's a distraction. He helps me move on right....

On the other....Do I really want to get into this now.

 

I should be focusing on me. My own things my own stuff.....

 

Ugh....

I have stopped trying to date.

 

I don't think it's fair on the man. He is blissfully unaware that I am wishing things were different.

 

It just isn't working for me yet.

 

Tread lightly Sunshine.

 

Poppy.

[Chica80]

I have stopped trying to date.

 

I don't think it's fair on the man. He is blissfully unaware that I am wishing things were different.

 

It just isn't working for me yet.

 

Tread lightly Sunshine.

 

Poppy.

 

thanks poppy I hear you....I don't really want to date as in "date to find a relationship" more I want to go out meet people etc.

 

 

Also can I be honest. There's a part of me that just want's to rub it in MM face. You want me to be happy. To move on, To have a more "fulfilled" life with someone who can give me everything.....fine I will go out date. Find cute, fun, good looking guys. You can hear all about it. (secondhand).

 

that's part of it...

[ladydesigner]

Ya date went well.....

 

He's nice he's funny...but....

 

On the one hand I tell myself it's a distraction. He helps me move on right....

On the other....Do I really want to get into this now.

 

I should be focusing on me. My own things my own stuff.....

 

Ugh....

 

True but if it distracts you from MM that might be good! But I hear you probably best to be okay with being alone first.

[jenkins95]

Hi guys!

 

Had a couple of days away from LS and am delighted to see such insightful and generally hopeful, positive posts from lots of familiar names on this classic thread!

 

Midnight is right, I did put on at least 60 lb, but I've been eating healthy since boxing day and am determined to turn it around...with your help. Comfort food has been such a crutch for me, but it's so unhealthy. I'm ashamed to say that I've got so fat that I struggle to reach to put my socks on! It has to stop....I owe it to myself, my wife and all my family.

 

 

My fear - I saw a movie about some guy, set in Italy, and he loved this woman his whole life. I think he was married or there was some reason they couldn't be together. At the end of the movie, he is with his son, and they walk by the house where the woman lives. He's a widow now and his son says, knock on the door. But his whole life he wanted to be with her but chose the "right" path and feels what is the point now, so he says no, and you know the woman who loves him is inside. But he walks on. Two people, in love their whole life. All a waste. For what?

 

Yes, this kind of stuff makes great movies and I'm sure this is a fear that plagues a lot of people post A, especially when we got that "soul mate feeling" and I'm sure reading these words will have made quite a few readers feel unsettled or/and uncomfortable. But I am firm believer that remaining in this state all one's life is a choice...and that anything can be got over if we want to and are prepared to do the work.

 

When I say it's a choice, I don't mean a conscious choice, but there is something quite seductive, even noble...even perversely comforting to see oneself in the role of martyr or victim finding oneself in an impossible situation and therefore having to "sacrifice" something for the greater good and to convince oneself that they can never get past this person, even though they had to let them go.

 

But it doesn't have to be this way. Relationships that end, even when they involve genuine love, end for a reason....and in the case of affairs where at least one person is married, if they hadn't ended, other equally (or likely more) damaging, heartbreaking sacrifices would have had to be made instead. We tend to romanticise what we can't have and the object of our sacrifice can become unrealistically elevated to the status of perfection, almost iconic in our minds (which of course they could never live up to forever in real life) and the life we choose instead (or feel we have to choose) can seem dull in comparison. But it's an illusion folks. If we'd gone the other way, our perceptions would be quite different - maybe even completely turned upside-down and after the initial euphoria, we'd likely eventually have a whole different set of worries, regrets, doubts and stresses.

 

While it is normal to take a good year or so to stop idolising and mourning the loss of a lost lover, there comes a time when it is unhealthy to continue this way. We need to see things for what they really are, and we need to make the effort to recover and appreciate the life we have. Nestling in the seductive arms of loss, sacrifice, guilt and martyrdom becomes perversely self-indulgent after a while. We created our mess and we need to fix it and ourselves if and when it all implodes. People get over awful things in life, like the death of loved ones.....because we have no choice but to do so. We can also get over lovers, however painful the break up is. Human brains have an incredible plasticity, an ability to change and recover...But we have to want it and to put the hard work in. We can choose to remain in perpetual pain or we can choose to recover.......our brains and therefore the essence of what we are will adapt accordingly.

 

I bloody hope so anyway

 

Keep the great posts coming guys.

 

J

Edited January 5, 2017 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Ya date went well.....

 

He's nice he's funny...but....

 

On the one hand I tell myself it's a distraction. He helps me move on right....

On the other....Do I really want to get into this now.

 

I should be focusing on me. My own things my own stuff.....

 

Ugh....

 

Good for you sunshine.

 

Just keep it light and fun and make it very clear to him that because you've been through a hard time, you want to take things very slowly.

 

I know you don't need me to tell you this!

 

Just put yourself first! If it's fun, great! But if like poppy, it doesn't feel right, then stop for a while until you feel stronger.

 

One thing is for sure - there is an amazing future ahead of you, the world is your oyster and you don't have to be in any rush!

 

We are here for you.

[Poppy47]

thanks poppy I hear you....I don't really want to date as in "date to find a relationship" more I want to go out meet people etc.

 

 

Also can I be honest. There's a part of me that just want's to rub it in MM face. You want me to be happy. To move on, To have a more "fulfilled" life with someone who can give me everything.....fine I will go out date. Find cute, fun, good looking guys. You can hear all about it. (secondhand).

 

that's part of it...

 

I have made 2 lovely male friends from the dating site I was using.

 

Men on dating websites are usually not looking for friendship. I found most of them wanted a physical relationship of some kind. I don't at this time.It isn't right for me yet.

 

I hope you have lots of fun and make some new friends. It is useless to try and take revenge on xMM. Chances are he won't care anyway.

 

Poppy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi guys!

 

Had a couple of days away from LS and am delighted to see such insightful and generally hopeful, positive posts from lots of familiar names on this classic thread!

 

Midnight is right, I did put on at least 60 lb, but I've been eating healthy since boxing day and am determined to turn it around...with your help. Comfort food has been such a crutch for me, but it's so unhealthy. I'm ashamed to say that I've got so fat that I struggle to reach to put my socks on! It has to stop....I owe it to myself, my wife and all my family.

 

 

 

Yes, this kind of stuff makes great movies and I'm sure this is a fear that plagues a lot of people post A, especially when we got that "soul mate feeling" and I'm sure reading these words will have made quite a few readers feel unsettled or/and uncomfortable. But I am firm believer that remaining in this state all one's life is a choice...and that anything can be got over if we want to and are prepared to do the work.

 

When I say it's a choice, I don't mean a conscious choice, but there is something quite seductive, even noble...even perversely comforting to see oneself in the role of martyr or victim finding oneself in an impossible situation and therefore having to "sacrifice" something for the greater good and to convince oneself that they can never get past this person, even though they had to let them go.

 

But it doesn't have to be this way. Relationships that end, even when they involve genuine love, end for a reason....and in the case of affairs where at least one person is married, if they hadn't ended, other equally (or likely more) damaging, heartbreaking sacrifices would have had to be made instead. We tend to romanticise what we can't have and the object of our sacrifice can become unrealistically elevated to the status of perfection, almost iconic in our minds (which of course they could never live up to forever in real life) and the life we choose instead (or feel we have to choose) can seem dull in comparison. But it's an illusion folks. If we'd gone the other way, our perceptions would be quite different - maybe even completely turned upside-down and after the initial euphoria, we'd likely eventually have a whole different set of worries, regrets, doubts and stresses.

 

While it is normal to take a good year or so to stop idolising and mourning the loss of a lost lover, there comes a time when it is unhealthy to continue this way. We need to see things for what they really are, and we need to make the effort to recover and appreciate the life we have. Nestling in the seductive arms of loss, sacrifice, guilt and martyrdom becomes perversely self-indulgent after a while. We created our mess and we need to fix it and ourselves if and when it all implodes. People get over awful things in life, like the death of loved ones.....because we have no choice but to do so. We can also get over lovers, however painful the break up is. Human brains have an incredible plasticity, an ability to change and recover...But we have to want it and to put the hard work in. We can choose to remain in perpetual pain or we can choose to recover.......our brains and therefore the essence of what we are will adapt accordingly.

 

I bloody hope so anyway

 

Keep the great posts coming guys.

 

J

 

This is all very true Jenkins. I have no idea when Boxing day is or what country celebrates it. I thought you were in the USA, I guess not!

 

I listen to this guy on youtube, Infinite Waters, and he helped me a lot. He is pretty awesome. The other day he said, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". I looked it up and he did not make it up but still, it really hit home. There is a certain reality in saying to yourself that this person hurt you and you miss him/her but you are just going to go on with your life because really, what is the alternative? We all know those people who never got over something in their lives. They withered and died. Those are your two choices basically. The person is long gone. Two choices - move on and live; wither and die. That's it.

 

It's been about 5 weeks since I saw him and it's a weird feeling, different from other endings. On one hand, it's like he died as I will never see him again and that thought raises that panic feeling in my throat. I've been through a divorce and other breakups but never had that weird panic feeling in my throat, like I could choke. But on the other hand, how dumb of me, it was over for a year and he didn't care a year ago today, he had no problem ignoring me, so why should I care today? Why mourn someone who did not care about me?

 

So I am moving on, letting go and everyday I forget him a little more. My guy friend says how proud he is of me, which makes me feel a bit like a mental patient, but it does show me that this was not all in my head. This guy was Bad News. Each day it is a little clearer that I really was just used, nothing more, nothing less. It was no great love story. I was just gullible and naive. I take it as a lesson and no one will use me again like that. I'm not angry anymore. After all, I was no victim. Stupid and used but no victim. I just thought I was in control; I was not. He played me.

 

Things are better at home, much better since xmm has gone. The sexual act xmm and I did which made the connection between us unique have been replicated by my husband and myself; I've successfully shattered the specialness of my affair like putting my foot through a plane of glass. It's done a lot to mentally free me. Now there is nothing special about xmm at all. It's all gone. And eventually so will my memory of him.

 

As it should be with these things. I'm sure he has forgotten me as I am forgetting - and replacing - him.

 

I'm glad you are getting healthier Jenkins. No one is worth your health.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have made 2 lovely male friends from the dating site I was using.

 

Men on dating websites are usually not looking for friendship. I found most of them wanted a physical relationship of some kind. I don't at this time.It isn't right for me yet.

 

I hope you have lots of fun and make some new friends. It is useless to try and take revenge on xMM. Chances are he won't care anyway.

 

Poppy.

 

Exactly. We all need to move on for ourselves. They didn't care then, they certainly don't care now.

[Chica80]

Hi guys!

 

Had a couple of days away from LS and am delighted to see such insightful and generally hopeful, positive posts from lots of familiar names on this classic thread!

 

Midnight is right, I did put on at least 60 lb, but I've been eating healthy since boxing day and am determined to turn it around...with your help. Comfort food has been such a crutch for me, but it's so unhealthy. I'm ashamed to say that I've got so fat that I struggle to reach to put my socks on! It has to stop....I owe it to myself, my wife and all my family.

 

 

 

Yes, this kind of stuff makes great movies and I'm sure this is a fear that plagues a lot of people post A, especially when we got that "soul mate feeling" and I'm sure reading these words will have made quite a few readers feel unsettled or/and uncomfortable. But I am firm believer that remaining in this state all one's life is a choice...and that anything can be got over if we want to and are prepared to do the work.

 

When I say it's a choice, I don't mean a conscious choice, but there is something quite seductive, even noble...even perversely comforting to see oneself in the role of martyr or victim finding oneself in an impossible situation and therefore having to "sacrifice" something for the greater good and to convince oneself that they can never get past this person, even though they had to let them go.

 

But it doesn't have to be this way. Relationships that end, even when they involve genuine love, end for a reason....and in the case of affairs where at least one person is married, if they hadn't ended, other equally (or likely more) damaging, heartbreaking sacrifices would have had to be made instead. We tend to romanticise what we can't have and the object of our sacrifice can become unrealistically elevated to the status of perfection, almost iconic in our minds (which of course they could never live up to forever in real life) and the life we choose instead (or feel we have to choose) can seem dull in comparison. But it's an illusion folks. If we'd gone the other way, our perceptions would be quite different - maybe even completely turned upside-down and after the initial euphoria, we'd likely eventually have a whole different set of worries, regrets, doubts and stresses.

 

While it is normal to take a good year or so to stop idolising and mourning the loss of a lost lover, there comes a time when it is unhealthy to continue this way. We need to see things for what they really are, and we need to make the effort to recover and appreciate the life we have. Nestling in the seductive arms of loss, sacrifice, guilt and martyrdom becomes perversely self-indulgent after a while. We created our mess and we need to fix it and ourselves if and when it all implodes. People get over awful things in life, like the death of loved ones.....because we have no choice but to do so. We can also get over lovers, however painful the break up is. Human brains have an incredible plasticity, an ability to change and recover...But we have to want it and to put the hard work in. We can choose to remain in perpetual pain or we can choose to recover.......our brains and therefore the essence of what we are will adapt accordingly.

 

I bloody hope so anyway

 

Keep the great posts coming guys.

 

J

 

 

 

Wow!!! another awesome insightful post!!

[ladydesigner]

You all inspired me. I decluttered today too. It actually felt really good. I honestly feel like I am reclaiming my mind .. I still think about him but it isn't in the miss him love him way.. it is more in the "how in the hell was I so blind" he occupies my thoughts constantly but there isn't an ache there anymore .. I feel that I faced the emotions and dealt with them but now I just have to retrain my mind. I still can't figure out why I still think of him .. even when I see it all for what it was..

 

Reading that I am not the only one who does this is really helpful.

 

I was just thinking about this and I wonder if the thoughts continue for so long because of how traumatic an A leaves you especially if there was a Dday.

 

My A 8 years ago only lasted 6 weeks but it took me a year to stop thinking about the OM daily. It was like my mind was set on re-run every day. It is a re-training of the mind so to speak.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I was just thinking about this and I wonder if the thoughts continue for so long because of how traumatic an A leaves you especially if there was a Dday.

 

My A 8 years ago only lasted 6 weeks but it took me a year to stop thinking about the OM daily. It was like my mind was set on re-run every day. It is a re-training of the mind so to speak.

 

I think it's so hard to get over because we are married. The only way to get over someone is to move on and meet someone new. When you are married, you obviously can't do that so you just go NC and wait for it to eventually fade and finally you do forget. Real life eventually takes over and the affair stuff gets pushed to the back corners of your mind. This is why it is so hard to rebuild a marriage after an affair. You are trying to fix your marriage while also trying to get over your AP, a huge drug addiction.

 

Honestly, the next time some guy temps us, we should think, so should I take that hit or shoot that needle again? Because that is what it is. So self destructive and so seductive.

[Outofmysystem]

Jenkins, very insightful indeed....well written...

 

Blue, also, spot on.....

 

I wonder sometimes, everyday mostly, why she is on my mind as well....sometimes in my dreams good or bad, together or apart trying to connect....it's the subconscious piecing together all those memories and replaying them into another movie that exists in the background. I think, obviously, length of time in the A certainty affects how long it takes for those memories to fade.....it can be annoying, difficult, sweet and painful all in one.

 

Like the song goes..."Should of known better, than to fall in love with you....now love is just a faded memory"

 

Chica, good luck with the fun dates....

[Poppy47]

I think it's so hard to get over because we are married. The only way to get over someone is to move on and meet someone new. When you are married, you obviously can't do that so you just go NC and wait for it to eventually fade and finally you do forget. Real life eventually takes over and the affair stuff gets pushed to the back corners of your mind. This is why it is so hard to rebuild a marriage after an affair. You are trying to fix your marriage while also trying to get over your AP, a huge drug addiction.

 

Honestly, the next time some guy temps us, we should think, so should I take that hit or shoot that needle again? Because that is what it is. So self destructive and so seductive.

 

Hi Midnight,

Believe me, you do not just go out and meet somebody new after the end of the A. I still love xMM and meeting somebody new is not going to happen for a long long time. Being single does not make it better.

 

It would be awful trying to rebuild a marriage, especially if there had been a DD or even if there hadn't. The WS might still have feelings for the AP and be torn apart by NC.

 

Either way getting over an A is crappy. I wish it wouldn't take so long.

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy

[spideywoman]

hey, interloper Spidey here

 

agree with Poppy that being single and getting over it also has it's challenges. i, too, have struggled greatly with replacing / forgetting / getting over it. granted, i was married up until a month ago and went through the divorce process as well as the end of the A so perhaps in my mind it's all magnified into one spectacularly gigantic ball of a mess.

 

all that being said, i cannot imagine still being married and both trying to forget and get marriage back on track. that's a special kind of agony and i'm in awe of those of you brave and strong enough to do it. not saying those of us, myself included, who have ended or left marriages are any less courageous or determined. different choices.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've done both and for me it was just faster to get over my ex being single. I did grand gestures which helped me to move on fast - extensive travel, moving, dating. I was over a 3 year horrible relationship in 2 months. This time it's been a year and it's definitely better but I still think about xmm, and he was a pretty bad guy to me all year. There is nothing logical on my end in thinking about someone who was horrible to me.

 

I can see how ending your marriage Spidey would be all wrapped up in your A ending. I do not know your story, how you feel about your marriage ending.

 

It was VERY difficult to rebuild my marriage while getting over my AP, who I had to still see. It was like training for a marathon with a broken ankle. I'll tell you this, the whole experience was so horrific and painful that I am totally reformed. I am fully committed in my marriage and if for some reason it should not work out down the road, I would never get involved with someone in a relationship again.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Trying to get over Xmm while still working together , help my husband heal , rebuild my marriage, and heal myself sometimes feels like running uphill full speed in an ice storm... sometimes ending my marriage and walking away seems easier than healing it, sometimes quitting my job and moving forward that way seems to be the right answer. I am taking it day by day but it sure feels like a rollarcoaster ride of emotions.

 

I don't want to date XMM we are toxic to and for each other. We cared more about how we made ourselves feel in the affair then we ever did care about the other person.that isn't love. We were doomed before we started because it was an affair.. that being said it doesn't stop the addiction to the affair and the mind movies and the longing for the high of being "madly in teenager love"..making a normal healthy relationship difficult.

 

Sometimes throwing my hands up and walking away from it all seems the only doable path.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Trying to get over Xmm while still working together , help my husband heal , rebuild my marriage, and heal myself sometimes feels like running uphill full speed in an ice storm... sometimes ending my marriage and walking away seems easier than healing it, sometimes quitting my job and moving forward that way seems to be the right answer. I am taking it day by day but it sure feels like a rollarcoaster ride of emotions.

 

I don't want to date XMM we are toxic to and for each other. We cared more about how we made ourselves feel in the affair then we ever did care about the other person.that isn't love. We were doomed before we started because it was an affair.. that being said it doesn't stop the addiction to the affair and the mind movies and the longing for the high of being "madly in teenager love"..making a normal healthy relationship difficult.

 

Sometimes throwing my hands up and walking away from it all seems the only doable path.

 

Trust me on this - first, you cannot make a decision on your marriage until you are truly out of all this with xmm. And it's impossible to recover from it while working with him. It's like having a beer on the way to AA. Pointless. I get it, I lived it - for two days after each Tuesday, I'd cry and not feel better till Friday. Repeat. That was 90 minutes once a week so I can't imagine working with him. You need an exit plan. I get your job is important but at some point, you just have to make a choice. You are trying to have it all and it won't work. Something is going to give. Maybe your health, your marriage, your mind.

 

Second, I know that feeling of wanting to just walk away from your marriage. It's easier than staying and fighting. But from my own experience, if you are really unhappy and know you do not love the other person, it's pretty clear cut - you just know you are done with it. You need to look backward in time at how you felt about your husband before this all happened. If you want to save your marriage, you just can't continue down this path. Again, an exit plan is needed.

[spideywoman]

HCBM, Midnight,

 

Great points. Like you guys I work with him; though I have been super lucky that he hasn't been around for over five months, since the end of A basically. it has really helped, the distance and not seeing him at all.

 

HCBM, I think what Midnight says is very true about where you stood with your husband prior to all of this. and also regardless of what you choose to do, both are very difficult paths and one is not necessarily easier than the other i don't think (though i know only one side.)

 

my marriage was dead long before xmm ever came into the picture. it was difficult accepting that but it's true. in fact, in hindsight, i shouldn't have gotten married. i got married at a late age and while i didn't feel desperate, the thought process was "i love this guy, he's honest, smart, kind, stable, what more do you want? what else are you looking for?" i was naive. i should have been stronger then, known myself better then.

 

i thought the friendship, the stability, the familiarity would push us through and keep us together but i learned the hard way that as wonderful as those things are, it doesn't a marriage make. i love my ex dearly still and have for 11 years, but it's not the romantic love anymore and hasn't been for years. i respect him, even though it might sound odd as the MOW, but it wasn't enough. heck, if i were happy and content i really don't think i'd have gotten myself involved in this mess. so it was a tough decision but the best one nonetheless and one i don't regret. as Midnight said, it was clear cut. no dilly dallying from me. but it has been very, very tough.

 

my two cents

[MidnightBlue1980]

Jenkins, very insightful indeed....well written...

 

Blue, also, spot on.....

 

I wonder sometimes, everyday mostly, why she is on my mind as well....sometimes in my dreams good or bad, together or apart trying to connect....it's the subconscious piecing together all those memories and replaying them into another movie that exists in the background. I think, obviously, length of time in the A certainty affects how long it takes for those memories to fade.....it can be annoying, difficult, sweet and painful all in one.

 

Like the song goes..."Should of known better, than to fall in love with you....now love is just a faded memory"

 

Chica, good luck with the fun dates....

 

Out, 7 years is a long time. I can't imagine getting over that quickly especially since you are married and you can't exactly go off dating, traveling, and being crazy.

 

Do you want to be married to your wife? 7 years is a long time with someone else...

[Outofmysystem]

Blue...the short answer to the question is yes.....the longer question I have though is really with myself....what is it about me that let my X get so deep into my physche?....I mean she is a charming, funny, sweet person to almost everyone she meets....and she has the ability to make everyone love her back...she is very smart and quick to learn so she always had the bosses looking to promote her fast. That said, the red flags were, she's a REAL good liar....case and point our affair. Her ice cold shut down at the end of it, the ability to (seemingly) just pretend that nothing ever happened as she has moved on, dumped her ex-husband and is doing the new guy that was being groomed in the wings. Which to that point I'm certain that that fool has no idea about our 6 year affair and all the details (also that I wasn't her first affair either)....if this dude did know, and was smart he would run so fast it's not funny.

 

I remember at one point in the very beginning, after her coming on to me and me turning her down only to rethink it later, I had something inside just briefly say, "Jezebel", like a little voice....of course I ignored it, but I wonder why with all that has been said and done, and all that I know, does she still have a pull on me....

 

It has gotten better over all these months, it really has....but there is still that part of me that loves the "past" her and fights like hell not to let go....

 

I think she was the "best" version of her when she was with me...I mean that in personality, professionally, her looks and fitness....she really came into her own, but most of it was because of me (my friends tell me I created a monster)

 

I think that's why I still struggle, that and the highs we had were very high, reinforced with no holds barred sex.

[Chica80]

Blue...the short answer to the question is yes.....the longer question I have though is really with myself....what is it about me that let my X get so deep into my physche?....I mean she is a charming, funny, sweet person to almost everyone she meets....and she has the ability to make everyone love her back...she is very smart and quick to learn so she always had the bosses looking to promote her fast. That said, the red flags were, she's a REAL good liar....case and point our affair. Her ice cold shut down at the end of it, the ability to (seemingly) just pretend that nothing ever happened as she has moved on, dumped her ex-husband and is doing the new guy that was being groomed in the wings. Which to that point I'm certain that that fool has no idea about our 6 year affair and all the details (also that I wasn't her first affair either)....if this dude did know, and was smart he would run so fast it's not funny.

 

I remember at one point in the very beginning, after her coming on to me and me turning her down only to rethink it later, I had something inside just briefly say, "Jezebel", like a little voice....of course I ignored it, but I wonder why with all that has been said and done, and all that I know, does she still have a pull on me....

 

It has gotten better over all these months, it really has....but there is still that part of me that loves the "past" her and fights like hell not to let go....

 

I think she was the "best" version of her when she was with me...I mean that in personality, professionally, her looks and fitness....she really came into her own, but most of it was because of me (my friends tell me I created a monster)

 

I think that's why I still struggle, that and the highs we had were very high, reinforced with no holds barred sex.

 

 

Sex is very powerful. Mixed in with a strong connection and emotions....it's very hard to break that.

 

OUT I've said before you remind me so much of my MM. Only because I think some of the things you say, would be things he might say of me. He is one of my biggest proponents to go after what I want as far as professionally. He pushes me and encourages me. Although I would hope he doesn't think I'm a monster.....

 

I would not be so certain that she is over you.....just like you said, a really good liar.