Destabilization Phase - part II

[Outofmysystem]

Thanks Chica, I didn't know if I was coherent or not in that post as it seems like rambling after re reading it. And I didn't think she was a monster (and I'm sure yours doesn't either) a friend that knows her and that we worked with did...like as in her ego, or believing her "own press"...that sort of thing. She's Latin, so there is a strong personality just because of that.

[Poppy47]

OUT,

 

Your X sounds like a real manipulator of people. Maybe Sociopathic tendencies???

 

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

Maybe she was already a "monster" OUT.

 

People rarely ever turn into something different. Leopard and spots?

 

Poppy.

[Chica80]

Thanks Chica, I didn't know if I was coherent or not in that post as it seems like rambling after re reading it. And I didn't think she was a monster (and I'm sure yours doesn't either) a friend that knows her and that we worked with did...like as in her ego, or believing her "own press"...that sort of thing. She's Latin, so there is a strong personality just because of that.

 

Hahaha....me too.... r U sure you're not my MM..... hahaha j/k

Edited January 8, 2017 by Sunshinechica

[DKT3]

Trying to get over Xmm while still working together , help my husband heal , rebuild my marriage, and heal myself sometimes feels like running uphill full speed in an ice storm... sometimes ending my marriage and walking away seems easier than healing it, sometimes quitting my job and moving forward that way seems to be the right answer. I am taking it day by day but it sure feels like a rollarcoaster ride of emotions.

 

I don't want to date XMM we are toxic to and for each other. We cared more about how we made ourselves feel in the affair then we ever did care about the other person.that isn't love. We were doomed before we started because it was an affair.. that being said it doesn't stop the addiction to the affair and the mind movies and the longing for the high of being "madly in teenager love"..making a normal healthy relationship difficult.

 

Sometimes throwing my hands up and walking away from it all seems the only doable path.

Your unwillingness to walk away from the job is a sign that you haven't closed the door on your affair or AP. There is still a huge part of you still with him. Several months ago you were saying you were leaving in two weeks, then a month and another. As long as you stay connected you will stay stuck.

 

I've given you my thoughts about your marriage and husband, so I won't go there, but just remember you can't move forward and keep reaching back

[DKT3]

Blue...the short answer to the question is yes.....the longer question I have though is really with myself....what is it about me that let my X get so deep into my physche?....I mean she is a charming, funny, sweet person to almost everyone she meets....and she has the ability to make everyone love her back...she is very smart and quick to learn so she always had the bosses looking to promote her fast. That said, the red flags were, she's a REAL good liar....case and point our affair. Her ice cold shut down at the end of it, the ability to (seemingly) just pretend that nothing ever happened as she has moved on, dumped her ex-husband and is doing the new guy that was being groomed in the wings. Which to that point I'm certain that that fool has no idea about our 6 year affair and all the details (also that I wasn't her first affair either)....if this dude did know, and was smart he would run so fast it's not funny.

 

I remember at one point in the very beginning, after her coming on to me and me turning her down only to rethink it later, I had something inside just briefly say, "Jezebel", like a little voice....of course I ignored it, but I wonder why with all that has been said and done, and all that I know, does she still have a pull on me....

 

It has gotten better over all these months, it really has....but there is still that part of me that loves the "past" her and fights like hell not to let go....

 

I think she was the "best" version of her when she was with me...I mean that in personality, professionally, her looks and fitness....she really came into her own, but most of it was because of me (my friends tell me I created a monster)

 

I think that's why I still struggle, that and the highs we had were very high, reinforced with no holds barred sex.

 

That's what affairs are, two people putting thier best foot forward. Soaking up pure passion and leaving the real world behind... Affairs fail because at some point it gets real, the world gets inside and puts a finger on it. Then the light comes on and your not sure who you are or who this other person is either. That's where all the confusion comes from. It hard to reconcile it all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue...the short answer to the question is yes.....the longer question I have though is really with myself....what is it about me that let my X get so deep into my physche?....I mean she is a charming, funny, sweet person to almost everyone she meets....and she has the ability to make everyone love her back...she is very smart and quick to learn so she always had the bosses looking to promote her fast. That said, the red flags were, she's a REAL good liar....case and point our affair. Her ice cold shut down at the end of it, the ability to (seemingly) just pretend that nothing ever happened as she has moved on, dumped her ex-husband and is doing the new guy that was being groomed in the wings. Which to that point I'm certain that that fool has no idea about our 6 year affair and all the details (also that I wasn't her first affair either)....if this dude did know, and was smart he would run so fast it's not funny.

 

I remember at one point in the very beginning, after her coming on to me and me turning her down only to rethink it later, I had something inside just briefly say, "Jezebel", like a little voice....of course I ignored it, but I wonder why with all that has been said and done, and all that I know, does she still have a pull on me....

 

It has gotten better over all these months, it really has....but there is still that part of me that loves the "past" her and fights like hell not to let go....

 

I think she was the "best" version of her when she was with me...I mean that in personality, professionally, her looks and fitness....she really came into her own, but most of it was because of me (my friends tell me I created a monster)

 

I think that's why I still struggle, that and the highs we had were very high, reinforced with no holds barred sex.

 

I don't like to be stereotypical on an internet board but from the women I know who are Latino, they like to be in control and they do not share. So she decided to get divorced and had no intention probably of continuing in a relationship with a married guy. They tend to be pretty strong women and easily kick guys to the curb without a moment's hesitation. They also tend to like to be married and I would bet this woman wants to get remarried. It's a big social status thing and part of the culture.

 

I'm sure she does look good, the Latino women I know take pretty care of themselves, put themselves first, work out, skin care, makeup, nails, etc. I am aware she never asked you to leave and I bet that probably bothers you. But think of it this way - do you really want to be married to a woman who can carry on an affair for 7 years? I realize how utterly hypocritical that is of a statement.

 

Again though, all the logic in the world does not help with these things. I definitely understand the pull towards someone so bad for you. Plus I am assuming she was pretty passionate and intense. I will tell you the same thing I tell HCBM - you need to get out of that job. I don't care what you do or millions of people in corporate America depend on you, you gotta get of there and Never See Her Again. Otherwise your marriage and your sanity doesn't stand a chance.

 

Do you want to feel like this a year from now?

[Outofmysystem]

Chica, I assumed since your username is, well ☺️

 

I'm white, and it seems like, in my case of course, that Latinas are my Kryptonite....seems that way for my friends to...our inside joke was that she was the Whitest Hispanic that anyone could meet though.

 

Poppy, perhaps....your right about people not changing, and from what I know about her history.....yea.....certainly a very bad choice.

 

DKT3, right on the money.

 

Blue, your right about the, "kicking guys to the curb" comment, all be it, 6 years later, lol....I asked her in one of our last conversations, "why didn't you end it 6 months in?, a year?, 3 years??"....her answer, "I don't know"....

 

As far as looking good, ect....she did when she was with me, like I said before.....working out was important to me for health reason, it became that for her too, I paid for her mani/pedis because she looked great obviously when she had it done and I liked it. I supported and talked her into braces (at 35 no less), that turned out great....so yea, she looked great to me, but everyone else noticed and the compliments started to come even more from women and men....ultimately from her "new" jerkoff as well....and yes, there is a certain level of passion that is specific to Latinas....and temperature!.

 

We don't work together anymore though....haven't since all this went to ****....now since this industry (Jewelry and Watches) is very specific, I know what's going on from contacts, friends, co-workers, x-coworkers and her FB....but I haven't contacted her now for the last 4 months, it has been a true NC and that has helped tremendously.....and no, I couldn't imagine throwing away everything I have for such I skilled liar....granted, I was as well....but she was so much better than I.

[Chica80]

Chica, I assumed since your username is, well ☺️

 

I'm white, and it seems like, in my case of course, that Latinas are my Kryptonite....seems that way for my friends to...our inside joke was that she was the Whitest Hispanic that anyone could meet though.

 

Poppy, perhaps....your right about people not changing, and from what I know about her history.....yea.....certainly a very bad choice.

 

DKT3, right on the money.

 

Blue, your right about the, "kicking guys to the curb" comment, all be it, 6 years later, lol....I asked her in one of our last conversations, "why didn't you end it 6 months in?, a year?, 3 years??"....her answer, "I don't know"....

 

As far as looking good, ect....she did when she was with me, like I said before.....working out was important to me for health reason, it became that for her too, I paid for her mani/pedis because she looked great obviously when she had it done and I liked it. I supported and talked her into braces (at 35 no less), that turned out great....so yea, she looked great to me, but everyone else noticed and the compliments started to come even more from women and men....ultimately from her "new" jerkoff as well....and yes, there is a certain level of passion that is specific to Latinas....and temperature!.

 

We don't work together anymore though....haven't since all this went to ****....now since this industry (Jewelry and Watches) is very specific, I know what's going on from contacts, friends, co-workers, x-coworkers and her FB....but I haven't contacted her now for the last 4 months, it has been a true NC and that has helped tremendously.....and no, I couldn't imagine throwing away everything I have for such I skilled liar....granted, I was as well....but she was so much better than I.

 

Not to overgeneralize or stereotype. But yes as a whole we tend to be very passionate and intense.

We're also taught to "please and take care of your man" serve him in a sense......my ex was white.

 

MM comes from a different culture altogether. But one where men are always doted on by mothers sisters and all the women in their family. They are treated like "princes" until proven orherwise......

[Outofmysystem]

Not to overgeneralize or stereotype. But yes as a whole we tend to be very passionate and intense.

We're also taught to "please and take care of your man" serve him in a sense......my ex was white.

 

MM comes from a different culture altogether. But one where men are always doted on by mothers sisters and all the women in their family. They are treated like "princes" until proven orherwise......

 

 

Chica, she did do that, obviously very well.....that's part of the problem. She was very affectionate for a long, long time.....until one day she wasn't.

[Chica80]

Chica, she did do that, obviously very well.....that's part of the problem. She was very affectionate for a long, long time.....until one day she wasn't.

 

Ya that may be more of a woman thing in general....

 

MM and I had this conversation once. It was about how a man likes to be taken care of. Good food good sex etc, it's easy to keep a man happy.

He said " I feel like you don't need lessons on that"

 

I can tell you when I love, I love intensely passionately deeply. I will do anything and everything to keep "my man happy" but here is the thing there comes a point where you feel like you are the only one giving. Something clicks and you're done. It's just over.

 

I may be wrong....but I'm pretty sure about a couple of things.

She never asked you to leave because she wanted you to make that choice. Because she wanted you to pick her. To pick what you had together.

 

6 years. 6 years is a very long long time. She said enough of her marriage, that was over she was not going to continue to be on the side. At times I've thought to myself my ex may not have been the greatest as a H or partner, but at least he put a ring on it. Why should I continue to stay in this A being a secret. You never said you were leaving that was not even an option. But would you have left? Really left to be with her have a relationship with her. Would that have really worked. Is that even realistic. There is always two sides to every story. You see her as a liar and someone who just wanted to take advantage of you. But what would she think about you? You're married still married with no intention of going anywhere.

 

I doubt her feelings were not real. And I truly doubt she is over you. She is doing what many of us do when our heart is broken. We try to pick ourselves up and move on. Sometimes that's with someone else. And if we can look good while doing it and appear to be happier than before even better.

Edited January 9, 2017 by Sunshinechica

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ya that may be more of a woman thing in general....

 

MM and I had this conversation once. It was about how a man likes to be taken care of. Good food good sex etc, it's easy to keep a man happy.

He said " I feel like you don't need lessons on that"

 

I can tell you when I love, I love intensely passionately deeply. I will do anything and everything to keep "my man happy" but here is the thing there comes a point where you feel like you are the only one giving. Something clicks and you're done. It's just over.

 

I may be wrong....but I'm pretty sure about a couple of things.

She never asked you to leave because she wanted you to make that choice. Because she wanted you to pick her. To pick what you had together.

 

6 years. 6 years is a very long long time. She said enough of her marriage, that was over she was not going to continue to be on the side. At times I've thought to myself my ex may not have been the greatest as a H or partner, but at least he put a ring on it. Why should I continue to stay in this A being a secret. You never said you were leaving that was not even an option. But would you have left? Really left to be with her have a relationship with her. Would that have really worked. Is that even realistic. There is always two sides to every story. You see her as a liar and someone who just wanted to take advantage of you. But what would she think about you? You're married still married with no intention of going anywhere.

 

I doubt her feelings were not real. And I truly doubt she is over you. She is doing what many of us do when our heart is broken. We try to pick ourselves up and move on. Sometimes that's with someone else. And if we can look good while doing it and appear to be happier than before even better.

 

Maybe. But you are assuming this woman is like you and me and the rest of us sad sacks on this site. You are assuming she wanted Out to leave on her own and be with her. Maybe. But it is really odd that she never, ever once asked him what his plans for the future were or asked him to leave to be with her.

 

It takes a tough cookie to stick it out for 7 years and never hint at that. Anyone who can do that, can do anything and we really can't lump her in with the rest of the lonely hearts here. Someone like that is unpredictable. She also got a lot of expensive gifts and cash from him. He sounds like a sugar daddy with the purses, shoes and braces.

 

Unless Out is withholding information. I don't usually side with the guy here (since I hate men and all - just kidding), but it does sound like she sort of used him like we all were used.

[Chica80]

Maybe. But you are assuming this woman is like you and me and the rest of us sad sacks on this site. You are assuming she wanted Out to leave on her own and be with her. Maybe. But it is really odd that she never, ever once asked him what his plans for the future were or asked him to leave to be with her.

 

It takes a tough cookie to stick it out for 7 years and never hint at that. Anyone who can do that, can do anything and we really can't lump her in with the rest of the lonely hearts here. Someone like that is unpredictable. She also got a lot of expensive gifts and cash from him. He sounds like a sugar daddy with the purses, shoes and braces.

 

Unless Out is withholding information. I don't usually side with the guy here (since I hate men and all - just kidding), but it does sound like she sort of used him like we all were used.

 

 

Maybe you're right....maybe it's because I'm a hopeless romantic....or just hopeless....

[Outofmysystem]

Damn, I typed out a big response and then lost it because of a re log in page....

 

I'll post it again tomorrow, suffice to say Chica, Blue, you are both right...the truth is somewhere in the middle. I will say she never did ask for the gifts, I did all of that to show how much I cared about her, and I wanted to....she actually asked me to stop the last few years because it was hard to explain to her x-husband. I also didn't pay for her braces, I just supported her and encouraged her to do it. I did send her flowers though after she got some teeth pulled to get ready for them....did that on several occasions.

 

I'll post the rest of what I wrote later, stupid technology glitches, lol.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I understand what everyone is saying- basically I am trying to have it all my marriage, my husband, and my job where xMM and I work. I get it and i have no excuses for why i am staying except i love what i do and to be honest my marriage wasn't on solid footing and I didn't feel comfortable quitting if i was going to end up alone.

 

It is a catch 22.

 

Advice on those that HAVE stayed and worked with xMM. Is this doable or am i lying to myself completely? i did find another poster on here from long ago that was able to do it...1 out of a 100 ..?

[ladydesigner]

I understand what everyone is saying- basically I am trying to have it all my marriage, my husband, and my job where xMM and I work. I get it and i have no excuses for why i am staying except i love what i do and to be honest my marriage wasn't on solid footing and I didn't feel comfortable quitting if i was going to end up alone.

 

It is a catch 22.

 

Advice on those that HAVE stayed and worked with xMM. Is this doable or am i lying to myself completely? i did find another poster on here from long ago that was able to do it...1 out of a 100 ..?

 

There is a poster here long ago I don't remember her name but she was able to do it and her XMM was her boss

[Chica80]

I understand what everyone is saying- basically I am trying to have it all my marriage, my husband, and my job where xMM and I work. I get it and i have no excuses for why i am staying except i love what i do and to be honest my marriage wasn't on solid footing and I didn't feel comfortable quitting if i was going to end up alone.

 

It is a catch 22.

 

Advice on those that HAVE stayed and worked with xMM. Is this doable or am i lying to myself completely? i did find another poster on here from long ago that was able to do it...1 out of a 100 ..?

 

 

I thinks it's a fine line and a very slippery slope. Can it be done yes..... Can you do it? Is a different question.

 

I get the staying if unsure about your M. If it's a career not just a job. A man would hardly ever leave his career after an A.

 

You wanted to leave your M to be with this man. You almost did. You have stayed and worked it out in your M. But where are you at now. The question is do you truly want to save your M. Do you truly want to make things work. I would not leave my job without another job already ready.

 

Can it be done it can be. But í think it takes alot of strength and alot of boundaries and looking inward to stay strong. (Not saying these aren't you) what are the pros what are the cons. If it's affecting your health your M that you're trying to reconcile, those are things to think about.

 

If you're over it and have set limits and boundaries for yourself, then maybe.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I thinks it's a fine line and a very slippery slope. Can it be done yes..... Can you do it? Is a different question.

 

I get the staying if unsure about your M. If it's a career not just a job. A man would hardly ever leave his career after an A.

 

You wanted to leave your M to be with this man. You almost did. You have stayed and worked it out in your M. But where are you at now. The question is do you truly want to save your M. Do you truly want to make things work. I would not leave my job without another job already ready.

 

Can it be done it can be. But í think it takes alot of strength and alot of boundaries and looking inward to stay strong. (Not saying these aren't you) what are the pros what are the cons. If it's affecting your health your M that you're trying to reconcile, those are things to think about.

 

If you're over it and have set limits and boundaries for yourself, then maybe.

 

Yes, very valid points. I did want to leave my marriage and back in August had MM said lets go I would have. It would have been the wrong choice and I recognize that now on so many levels but it doesn't stop me from still missing the affair.

 

I just need to keep looking for a job. I have applied to so many in my industry and never hear back. I was going to be offered a job but it required travel and at the time with everything in flux I didn't think it would be doable - now I am seriously regretting that decision and I am not usually one to regret decisions.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I thinks it's a fine line and a very slippery slope. Can it be done yes..... Can you do it? Is a different question.

 

I get the staying if unsure about your M. If it's a career not just a job. A man would hardly ever leave his career after an A.

You wanted to leave your M to be with this man. You almost did. You have stayed and worked it out in your M. But where are you at now. The question is do you truly want to save your M. Do you truly want to make things work. I would not leave my job without another job already ready.

 

Can it be done it can be. But í think it takes alot of strength and alot of boundaries and looking inward to stay strong. (Not saying these aren't you) what are the pros what are the cons. If it's affecting your health your M that you're trying to reconcile, those are things to think about.

 

If you're over it and have set limits and boundaries for yourself, then maybe.

 

This is true and it's why I fought so hard.

 

I do think it is possible in theory to work with someone you were involved with, but adding the fact that HCBM's husband is aware of the affair makes it nonnegotiable that things need to change. I still don't see why she needs to lose all though. If his wife knew, maybe she would make him suddenly leave and she could stay, like what happened with me. These men are all strong and tough till the wife knows, then they slink off into the night.

 

I'm going through something different I don't see posted here much, if at all. I'm feeling a great deal of anxiety and guilt. I find I wake up at 4am, I'm exhausted and I feel preoccupied with everything from the last 2 years. I find it difficult to act normal like nothing happened, it's always on my mind to some extent.

[Imajerk17]

I understand what everyone is saying- basically I am trying to have it all my marriage, my husband, and my job where xMM and I work. I get it and i have no excuses for why i am staying except i love what i do and to be honest my marriage wasn't on solid footing and I didn't feel comfortable quitting if i was going to end up alone.

 

It is a catch 22.

 

Advice on those that HAVE stayed and worked with xMM. Is this doable or am i lying to myself completely? i did find another poster on here from long ago that was able to do it...1 out of a 100 ..?

I feel bad for your husband. You just don't sound that committed to saving your marriage. Meanwhile I can't believe he is putting up with this.

 

Why don't you just divorce him and give him a chance to find real love--a woman who will honour him as a wife should her husband.

[HeCantBreakMe]

This is true and it's why I fought so hard.

 

I do think it is possible in theory to work with someone you were involved with, but adding the fact that HCBM's husband is aware of the affair makes it nonnegotiable that things need to change. I still don't see why she needs to lose all though. If his wife knew, maybe she would make him suddenly leave and she could stay, like what happened with me. These men are all strong and tough till the wife knows, then they slink off into the night.

 

I'm going through something different I don't see posted here much, if at all. I'm feeling a great deal of anxiety and guilt. I find I wake up at 4am, I'm exhausted and I feel preoccupied with everything from the last 2 years. I find it difficult to act normal like nothing happened, it's always on my mind to some extent.

 

I think maybe the guilt is normal?? What about the past 2 years are you preoccupied about?..

 

My therapist said if you find yourself living in the past it leans more towards depression and if you can't stop fixating with the future it is anxiety..

[HeCantBreakMe]

I feel bad for your husband. You just don't sound that committed to saving your marriage. Meanwhile I can't believe he is putting up with this.

 

Why don't you just divorce him and give him a chance to find real love--a woman who will honour him as a wife should her husband.

 

I am not holding him against his will. He is free to go.

[Imajerk17]

H

I am not holding him against his will. He is free to go.

I think you should care for his welfare enough to set him free. He sounds really devoted to someone who doesn't even deserve his love.

 

The situation as it is now is really selfish on your part. Did your therapist ever tell you that?

Edited January 10, 2017 by Imajerk17

[HeCantBreakMe]

I think you should care for his welfare enough to set him free. He sounds really devoted to someone who doesn't even deserve his love.

 

The situation as it is now is really selfish on your part. Did your "therapist" ever tell you that?

 

I had my resignation printed and ready to hand in and my husband told me to hold off on submitting it. He said if I was going to cheat on him again I would do it working with or not working with that man.

 

What I do makes me happy and my husband understands that. He is devoted and he is amazing through all of this is more than I deserve.

 

I am looking and will take the right job once it is offered. Just asking for advice on how to handle things in the meantime.

 

Anything else to add before you come to the ow/on board and tell us all how we will burn in hell from our selfish decisions and our husbands are being kept on chains married to us terrible excuse for spouses?

[HeCantBreakMe]

H

I think you should care for his welfare enough to set him free. He sounds really devoted to someone who doesn't even deserve his love.

 

The situation as it is now is really selfish on your part. Did your therapist ever tell you that?

 

Sorry that last part was a bit much. Just get tired of seeing every time a ws posts we don't deserve love anymore and we need to divorce our spouses. Look divorce isn't the only option recovery is long and full of mistakes.. healing isn't linear and every day we (husband and I) get stronger and better but we are both still learning how to cope and operate on this new journey.

 

But you are entitled to your opinion and any and all are helpful .. even if they are redundant