Destabilization Phase - part II

[Imajerk17]

We all make big mistakes HCBM. But to be only there halfheartedly for your husband is twisting the knife in the wound, actually *twice* as hard as the original affair. If your H is giving you and your marriage a chance then you owe it to him to be fully onboard yourself, which includes getting (and keeping) yourself out of bad situations. I am rooting for the recovery of your marriage.

Edited January 10, 2017 by Imajerk17

[DKT3]

I am not holding him against his will. He is free to go.

 

But in a way you are, your holding him with the idea of you being committed to fixing the marriage.

 

I've told you from the start you never seemed to be interested and only stayed/staying because you didn't get the grand prize (mm). So you go through the motions, but going through the motions drag him along.

 

You confessed your affair in the hopes that your husband would make the decision to end the marriage, he didn't. Now your putting in minimal effort, my thoery is once again to force him to make the decision. He seems all in and your not 50% in. So in that sense, again you are holding him there.....In short, you don't appear to want to be married, you won't tell him so yeah your holding him with false hope and selfish fear.

[HeCantBreakMe]

We all make big mistakes HCBM. But to be only there halfheartedly for your husband is twisting the knife in the wound, actually *twice* as hard as the original affair. If your H is giving you and your marriage a chance then you owe it to him to be fully onboard yourself, which includes getting (and keeping) yourself out of bad situations. I am rooting for the recovery of your marriage.

 

Now this is helpful advice at least the same advice maybe just toned down a bit.

 

Thanks Jerk it's somethung to think about.

[HeCantBreakMe]

But in a way you are, your holding him with the idea of you being committed to fixing the marriage.

 

I've told you from the start you never seemed to be interested and only stayed/staying because you didn't get the grand prize (mm). So you go through the motions, but going through the motions drag him along.

 

You confessed your affair in the hopes that your husband would make the decision to end the marriage, he didn't. Now your putting in minimal effort, my thoery is once again to force him to make the decision. He seems all in and your not 50% in. So in that sense, again you are holding him there.....In short, you don't appear to want to be married, you won't tell him so yeah your holding him with false hope and selfish fear.

 

No I went with recovery because I knew making a decision in the frame of mind I was in would be a mistake .. I knew it in my gut. I always chose my husband I just wanted to be a cake eater.

 

Now it is more clear that people fall out of that limerence like love over time and then love becomes a choice. I didn't underhand this. I do now and my husband has fought hard for us.. and I love him. And I love who he is. I want us.. before I didn't know it was what I wanted.. I figured it was what I was supposed to want but I was too caught up in false feelings for married man ..

 

It's different now .. I love him and I want our marriage.. the type of marriage we are fighting to build.

[DKT3]

No I went with recovery because I knew making a decision in the frame of mind I was in would be a mistake .. I knew it in my gut. I always chose my husband I just wanted to be a cake eater.

 

Now it is more clear that people fall out of that limerence like love over time and then love becomes a choice. I didn't underhand this. I do now and my husband has fought hard for us.. and I love him. And I love who he is. I want us.. before I didn't know it was what I wanted.. I figured it was what I was supposed to want but I was too caught up in false feelings for married man ..

 

It's different now .. I love him and I want our marriage.. the type of marriage we are fighting to build.

 

Finally, some fight.....

[Imajerk17]

HCMB, I'll put this another way. We fight for what we love. But we also love what we fight for. The body follows the mind but the mind also follows the body.

 

Ever find yourself fully vested in a project not because it was interesting in and of itself, but instead because you put so much of your time and energy towards it? Well, same principle applies to relationships.

 

You getting up and going back to the same place day after day, into proximity of the same MM who caused so many problems to your marriage: How do you think your subconscious is taking it? Even if "nothing" happens w you and MM going forward, deep down you know you aren't working as hard as you could be for the recovery of you and your husband. And that has to be holding you back.

 

I'll say this for the 1798th time: You just can't stay at your current job HCBM. I don't care what you and your husband agreed upon. You really need to leave.

Edited January 10, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Jersey born raised]

Hi HCBM,

 

I believe a lot posters who are critizing you do so because you have never discussed your husband and his pain in any depth. You strike me as a person in the immortal words of Joe Friday: just the facts mama, just the facts. Be bonus is you can name the show.

 

Typically a remorseful spouse will dwell on the BS pain and constantly ask what they can do to save the marriage. Yes, at times you have, especially about your job. If you re-read your post though you seem not to view this though your husband POV. Instead you answer provide blunt answers on his feelings and move on. This is fine except a lot of people need more emotional feedback to make it "real to them". In short they have never read you speak of your husband as you did about MOM.

 

You made the right call about the job with travel. It is a shame your husband can't find a new job with no travel.

 

I recall 3 or 4 years into my marriage begining to feel indifferent, wondering if I made the right decsion to marry. Then she found a lump (just fatty tissue) and a part of me lost it. I mean completely lost it. She told me and said she a mammogram in a week and a half. I screamed a week and half!!! No Fing way get it tomorrow! I was almost in a blind panic for her. This woke me up and work to make this the best possible marriage I could for her for the next decade.

[Chica80]

I had my resignation printed and ready to hand in and my husband told me to hold off on submitting it. He said if I was going to cheat on him again I would do it working with or not working with that man.

 

What I do makes me happy and my husband understands that. He is devoted and he is amazing through all of this is more than I deserve.

 

I am looking and will take the right job once it is offered. Just asking for advice on how to handle things in the meantime.

 

Anything else to add before you come to the ow/on board and tell us all how we will burn in hell from our selfish decisions and our husbands are being kept on chains married to us terrible excuse for spouses?

 

 

I think on forums like these everyone will have an opinion. Everyone will have something to say. It doesn't mean it necessarily applies to you take it as you will.

 

I haven't heard you say you miss MM. Or that you are still where you were before. So there may be feelings but if they are fading, than that is progress.

 

If you're husband is understanding and does not have a problem with you leaving than it doesn't really matter what anyone else has to say. At the end of the day, If you are growing closer together. If you are working together. IF mm is fading into the background, than that's what matters.

Just be honest with yourself. If you think it's possible. Than it can be.

 

It may be sometime, but possibly the more you reconcile and grow closer you may want to leave anyway.

[Grey Cloud]

I understand what everyone is saying- basically I am trying to have it all my marriage, my husband, and my job where xMM and I work. I get it and i have no excuses for why i am staying except i love what i do and to be honest my marriage wasn't on solid footing and I didn't feel comfortable quitting if i was going to end up alone.

 

It is a catch 22.

 

Advice on those that HAVE stayed and worked with xMM. Is this doable or am i lying to myself completely? i did find another poster on here from long ago that was able to do it...1 out of a 100 ..?

 

Moving on from my xMM ONLY started to happen when he found another job. I tried ignoring him at work, being cold, being civil, being friendly and I got no where. I thought I was healing but looking back now I was totally stuck and miserable. I was acutely aware of his presence. I felt sad all the time. There is no doubt that if we stayed working together the A would have resumed at some point. I was not strong enough to have my addiction close to me - no matter how much I wanted to break free from the whole thing.

 

It has now been almost 12 months since he left work. I still think about him often but I am a different person compared to last year. I am no longer an emotional mess and he is gradually becoming a distant memory - a surreal chapter of my life. There is no way I could achieve this progress if I still saw him at work.

 

Is there any chance your xMM could be the one to move jobs? The thought of my xMM and I not working together filled me with fear and dread and I was devestated when he found another job. However it was the absolute BEST thing that could have ever happened. To finally break free and close that chapter - not only in my life but his too.

 

Your recovery will really start to gain momentum once you no longer work together.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thanks all- I appreciate the feedback and thoughts on working with xMM.

 

Grey- I know you are right. I progress so much and then see him at work and start losing focus again and it is difficult. I agree and believe true healing wont happen until I leave.

 

Jersey - I haven't posted much about BS pain because TBH the OW/OM board really isn't the place to do it and I have no desire to open up a story on the infidelity board - I have read those posts there. Also, he is a very private person and he wouldn't be comfortable with me discussing his feelings in depth on here even if it is anonymous. -- Umm was that movie Joe Dirt? I am terrible with movies BTW.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I think on forums like these everyone will have an opinion. Everyone will have something to say. It doesn't mean it necessarily applies to you take it as you will.

 

I haven't heard you say you miss MM. Or that you are still where you were before. So there may be feelings but if they are fading, than that is progress.

 

If you're husband is understanding and does not have a problem with you leaving than it doesn't really matter what anyone else has to say. At the end of the day, If you are growing closer together. If you are working together. IF mm is fading into the background, than that's what matters.

Just be honest with yourself. If you think it's possible. Than it can be.

 

It may be sometime, but possibly the more you reconcile and grow closer you may want to leave anyway.

 

I don't miss him. I miss the excitement of the affair (like an addict missing the high from the drug) but I don't miss xMM. The feelings for him are fading.. Now I feel used and like an idiot.. Looking back I have no idea how I didn't see all of the signs or at least didn't listen nor did I want to listen. I don't look back at the good things and good times and miss them i look back and think WTF I would have let this man sell me an igloo if i lived in Alaska.

 

It literally is like a fog. Not that it is an excuse because the affair was a choice but once you are able to take off the affair goggles you literally cringe looking back at the person you were and the things you did.

[Jersey born raised]

Sergeant Joe Friday a cop show from the early sixties. Dragnet.

 

Your reasoning behind not posting about your husband, while fair, does present a disorted view of your marriage. It cause you to appear to have regret and not an once of remorse. I recall the begining of your thread before the adultery resume telling you I believed in you. I did so as I sensed remorse not regret.

 

Perhaps a new thread in reconcilation where you can post your feelings for him and your marriage?

 

Also I believed I cautioned you earlier: beware the plain of lethal flatness. It occurs anywhere from several months into reconciliation out to two or three years. Your BS first instinct was to preserve his family. The idea of seeing his children only 50 percent of the time, the loss of companionship, the loss of the home is overwhelming. A funny thing happens somewhere down the road. The sub-conscious keeps grinding away at what happened. New thoughts emerge and what seemed impossible to accept on DDay becomes possible. Yet the WS has no real idea until they are blindsided with a request for divorce.

 

This is why most of the others and I asked for details about his actions and your response. To warn you of red flags you may have missed.

 

Yet your reasons for not posting are good one's. So I will suggest you find a personal mentor to provide insight.

 

Be well

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't miss him. I miss the excitement of the affair (like an addict missing the high from the drug) but I don't miss xMM. The feelings for him are fading.. Now I feel used and like an idiot.. Looking back I have no idea how I didn't see all of the signs or at least didn't listen nor did I want to listen. I don't look back at the good things and good times and miss them i look back and think WTF I would have let this man sell me an igloo if i lived in Alaska.

 

It literally is like a fog. Not that it is an excuse because the affair was a choice but once you are able to take off the affair goggles you literally cringe looking back at the person you were and the things you did.

 

Yes, this is what I struggle with at times. I lost a lot of respect for myself. It wasn't even some affair where I got champange and Louboutins (sorry Out, that stuck, I always wanted them lol). Not that affairs are good but I really was the opposite of classy.

 

I let someone use me. It's pretty horrific and it haunts me. My only comfort is he lost about $30K a year in referrals by being forced to leave so I expect he will be back to stocking shelves at minimum wage at night like he did for years as a second job before he joined our group. He doesn't care about his wife or me or anyone but he does care about money, so that comforts me. He even has gold bars buried in his backyard.

 

I should not say this but I hate him. I wish him nothing but the worst life has to offer.

 

Spill in Aisle 3.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sergeant Joe Friday a cop show from the early sixties. Dragnet.

 

Your reasoning behind not posting about your husband, while fair, does present a disorted view of your marriage. It cause you to appear to have regret and not an once of remorse. I recall the begining of your thread before the adultery resume telling you I believed in you. I did so as I sensed remorse not regret.

 

Perhaps a new thread in reconcilation where you can post your feelings for him and your marriage?

 

Also I believed I cautioned you earlier: beware the plain of lethal flatness. It occurs anywhere from several months into reconciliation out to two or three years. Your BS first instinct was to preserve his family. The idea of seeing his children only 50 percent of the time, the loss of companionship, the loss of the home is overwhelming. A funny thing happens somewhere down the road. The sub-conscious keeps grinding away at what happened. New thoughts emerge and what seemed impossible to accept on DDay becomes possible. Yet the WS has no real idea until they are blindsided with a request for divorce.

 

This is why most of the others and I asked for details about his actions and your response. To warn you of red flags you may have missed.

 

Yet your reasons for not posting are good one's. So I will suggest you find a personal mentor to provide insight.

 

Be well

 

I don't know your story Jersey but the thing is, when you feel immense regret, it overshadows all else. HCBM can't feel that remorse yet as she still is dealing with seeing xmm each day.

 

It does come but it takes a while. I feel a lot of regret and remorse. It's different a bit as my husband also had an OW but still, there is an innocence lost. We can never really say we will be together and faithful forever because we both know you can only really promise for today and even my husband has said, everyone is only as faithful as their options are. No one knows what tomorrow may bring.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Midnight,

 

True enough about regret overshadowing everthing eise but reconciation does not get traction until remorse sets in. Regret is about loss remorse is knowing the pain you caused others and looking in the mirror and saying I did that to them. All the actions in the world will not heal a marriage until the BS feels the WS pain for they caused. Actions are only fill the gap until remorse occurs.

[Outofmysystem]

Blue.....it's cool.....maybe you should treat yourself ?

 

Like I said before, even stuff like that wasn't enough....

 

In a weird twist (or not) she posted a "like" on FB yesterday of a LV silver necklace that I bought her for her birthday last year....part of the cost goes to UNICEF, a nice charity and something she liked, a good cause....I never seen her wear it, so I asked our mutual friend to ask if she had one, because it would look like something she'd have...my friend knew obviously....she replied no, that she hasn't bought any LV in quite awhile, but that she did get some Louboutins....also, obviously, another gift from me....

 

Not really a point to that, just thought it was weird because she protested about that also and yet still kept everything.....

 

What's the saying?, "I may be stupid, but I'm not crazy!"???

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue.....it's cool.....maybe you should treat yourself ?

 

Like I said before, even stuff like that wasn't enough....

 

In a weird twist (or not) she posted a "like" on FB yesterday of a LV silver necklace that I bought her for her birthday last year....part of the cost goes to UNICEF, a nice charity and something she liked, a good cause....I never seen her wear it, so I asked our mutual friend to ask if she had one, because it would look like something she'd have...my friend knew obviously....she replied no, that she hasn't bought any LV in quite awhile, but that she did get some Louboutins....also, obviously, another gift from me....

 

Not really a point to that, just thought it was weird because she protested about that also and yet still kept everything.....

 

What's the saying?, "I may be stupid, but I'm not crazy!"???

 

LV = Louis Vuitton? I did not know they made jewelry, not that I shop there. In my before marriage days I did buy Coach but LV is way up there.

 

I have to be honest with you. I had to google Louis Vuitton and Louboutins to get the spelling right. Nothing against namebrands, hey if you can afford it, more power to you, but the type of woman you describe here who wants these things, it's just a bit shallow when you factor in her personality and all you described. I'm not saying all women who like these thing are shallow by any means, but of course she kept everything you gave her. She sounds materialistic and like a social climber, I'm thinking Kim Kardashian here.

 

I guess what I am getting at is that someone who really like you, would not care about that stuff. It'd be just gravy.

 

Do you buy your wife all this stuff? Just curious since I am a wife. I'd prefer Prada though.

 

Also, how are you seeing what she likes on FB? Are you still friends with her?

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, yes, they make jewelry as well, and yes, Vuitton....she never really ever asked for any of it, I just got it for her because I wanted to....

 

When you work around all theses places for years it just becomes like any other shop or store I guess....I certainly can't afford most things in them, but I did get what I liked and wanted her to have for what ever occasion if that helps. And yes, my wife is well stocked in gifts as well.

 

One thing I guess that I really liked was my X had never gotten things like that and her reaction was always special...very nervous and excited, and grateful...that made me feel good.....it was different with everyone else.

 

The FB thing was mentioned to me by my friend....I'm not on it.

[Midwestmissy]

In my experience, people who can afford such brand names never mention them or wear obvious couture logos. I agree that it's shallow and the company's way to get free advertising from folks who need to show the logo/label but can't afford (like most of us) the high end items.

 

The best stuff out there doesn't have a label showing. I work in the field. And people in fashion don't like seeing themselves walking down the street in the same item, so they don't show labels. With huge logos a-blaze, it's more a way of saying "look what I can afford", it's not subtle. And if theyre living in a hovel due to finances, it seems unwise as well. Posting it on social media also seems needy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue, yes, they make jewelry as well, and yes, Vuitton....she never really ever asked for any of it, I just got it for her because I wanted to....

 

When you work around all theses places for years it just becomes like any other shop or store I guess....I certainly can't afford most things in them, but I did get what I liked and wanted her to have for what ever occasion if that helps. And yes, my wife is well stocked in gifts as well.

 

One thing I guess that I really liked was my X had never gotten things like that and her reaction was always special...very nervous and excited, and grateful...that made me feel good.....it was different with everyone else.

 

The FB thing was mentioned to me by my friend....I'm not on it.

 

Gotcha. I get that, obviously this woman was pretty special to you.

 

As for your friend, I told the guy who knows us both to never mention xmm to me and you might want to do the same. It really doesn't help to know anything about their lives. It only sets you back.

[Outofmysystem]

Gotcha. I get that, obviously this woman was pretty special to you.

 

As for your friend, I told the guy who knows us both to never mention xmm to me and you might want to do the same. It really doesn't help to know anything about their lives. It only sets you back.

 

 

She was...I did love her, so for me it wasn't the item, or the cost (or respect to MWMissy, the brand or logo) it really was the sentiment....she meant a lot to me....

 

That said, it really didn't matter in the end....affairs are not normal relationships....and the FB thing, your right, but it doesn't affect me like it used to, but I do limit it as best I can.

[Lost_in_emotion]

I've lurked here for quite some time. I read halfway through the first thread before it was removed. Glad to see this one is here. It helps me to know that we have all had such similar stories. Mine is so convoluted - too many twists and turns to explain in one post. I did post about mine many months when I tried no contact before. I feel like I've read enough to know all of your stories and have been wanting to post but just haven't. My affair started last fall and ended the beginning of summer (many offs and ons during that time though). I was married when I started having feelings for MM but had not been happy for quite some time. So we separated before I began the affair. I thought MM was separated when we started what I thought was a relationship, not an affair. I found out that he had lied about many things - some things that would seem pathological and crazy to most people, yet I stayed. I still continued to see him from January until May. After May it was off and on until August because he kept saying he was leaving but never would. I ended it in August but didn't block him - he only contacted me a couple of times since then and I was non-responsive. So I was doing good with no contact. He began contacting me more heavily recently - telling me he was going to leave, etc. I was non responsive at first but then found myself feeling like I could be lured back in. Clearly he's lying and, regardless, I don't want to be with him - he is toxic. He has lied about so many things and I could never trust him. I finally blocked him. I've been seeing someone for a couple of weeks now and it's going well. He's actually divorced, imagine that. My divorce will be final soon and we are getting along and co-parenting well. I have been coming here to read the posts because it really does help me stay strong with having him blocked. I tend to feel bad for him sometimes so I need to read all of this to remember how damaging that relationship was. Anyway, thanks for sharing so many of your personal stories. It helps more than you all could ever know.

 

HCBM - I can only imagine what you go through on a daily basis with having to see exMM at work. We all have our own journeys and ways of handling things. The fact that you are doing as well as you seem to be doing is amazing. I hope I never see my exMM again - only because the pull is more powerful than anything I've felt before. I have come to realize through therapy that the feeling I had was about me, not him. Just wanted to say I feel for you and think you've done incredibly well considering the circumstances.

[MidnightBlue1980]

She was...I did love her, so for me it wasn't the item, or the cost (or respect to MWMissy, the brand or logo) it really was the sentiment....she meant a lot to me....

 

That said, it really didn't matter in the end....affairs are not normal relationships....and the FB thing, your right, but it doesn't affect me like it used to, but I do limit it as best I can.

 

It's funny (sort of, in a sad way) when your A is so long over that you really have nothing to say except you still think of the person, wonder do they think of you, miss them a bit, hate them a bit, and at times, even forget them a bit - only to think - wow, 2 hours and I did not think of him/her.

 

And the worst part is though, in your own heart you were pulled in both directions - while you wanted this person, you also did not want to leave what you had. So you really were not much different from the person you are writing about here, only you were better at it, better at the internal deception and public sympathy, so to speak. You played the game better.

 

Because if you think about it, many of us did not really actually take that step to be with these people. HCBM, still married. Out, still married. Jenkins, still married. Myself, still married. We did not really put ourselves out there. So what does that mean? Maybe - we did not want them as much as we proclaim we did.

 

I have a friend and while I was in the middle of the A, he said I was not doing it properly. I needed to bring him to hotel rooms and fog his mind with sex, that is how men work and how I get what I wanted. But I didn't. Instead I did the opposite and pushed him against the wall, asked his intentions, and basically created the situation where he gave me the opportunity to end it. The fog was not strong with this one. As he put it, he was unsure if it would work. But maybe that was my intention all along. To get out of something I never wanted in the first place.

 

But then, why do I think of him, so long afterwards? There is no answer, it's a hypothetical. Maybe we all just want what we cannot have.

 

And I think I will look into those red souled shoes Out. Why not indeed.

[Jersey born raised]

When we allow what if to own us, watch out. You had a real and on going need. You felt your marriage would (and still might meet) that need. So you put your hopes on MOM and allowed "what if he is the one" to own you.

[Poppy47]

None of you really wanted to leave your marriage.

 

The A was a diversion, and entertainment, almost like going to a movie.As long as you can go back home, it was just for fun.

 

xMM used to refer to our meetings as his"Day Off".

 

It took me a long time and too long to really understand that xMM was totally satisified with what he had. That was the biggest illumination of my life. It was just something small he said in an email. His face slipped.

 

Poppy.