Destabilization Phase - part II

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, Poppy, very profound I think.....a great read....and your right, what did I really give up?, nothing.....my life continues as it did before I even met her.

 

Lost-in-emotion, welcome to the thread and board.....I'm glad our stories have helped In some way.....if there is any Silver lining in any of this (I think) then that's it, to help those in the "fog" or coming out of it. It was difficult for me to see when I did, but the stories here helped me like nothing else could.

 

 

Blue, good luck with he hunt for just the right pair, I'm sure you will look great in them!

Edited January 13, 2017 by Outofmysystem

[Chica80]

None of you really wanted to leave your marriage.

 

The A was a diversion, and entertainment, almost like going to a movie.As long as you can go back home, it was just for fun.

 

xMM used to refer to our meetings as his"Day Off".

 

It took me a long time and too long to really understand that xMM was totally satisified with what he had. That was the biggest illumination of my life. It was just something small he said in an email. His face slipped.

 

Poppy.

 

So true poppy!! Although I did not leave my M to be with him to say he did not play a part would be a lie.

 

My whole life has changed.....his remains the same. Although ultimately I think I got the better end of the deal. Like these guys have said, I think healing may be a lot easier when single

 

 

I

[MidnightBlue1980]

None of you really wanted to leave your marriage.

 

The A was a diversion, and entertainment, almost like going to a movie.As long as you can go back home, it was just for fun.

 

xMM used to refer to our meetings as his"Day Off".

 

It took me a long time and too long to really understand that xMM was totally satisified with what he had. That was the biggest illumination of my life. It was just something small he said in an email. His face slipped.

 

Poppy.

 

xMM also was very happy. He was upfront that he had been looking for this for 10 years and how perfect that it was me, someone he had known and loved for years. He lost 15 lbs and others commented that he had never looked so young and alive.

 

I wasn't happy at all though. I wasn't able to exist in two worlds. It's not what I want for my life. But at the same time I did tell my H I wanted a divorce as I was in love with someone else and he treated me as you would treat someone having a mental breakdown. But I didn;t up and leave to see if xmm would leave. I probably never actually wanted to leave. I just wanted my husband to notice me.

 

But of course now I am forever changed.

[Lost_in_emotion]

Out - Thanks, it's definitely been a roller coaster for me over the last year. I've listened to the song you recommended on the other thread (your username) and the second verse is just too accurate for me. If only I could have passed him by...

[HeCantBreakMe]

Sunshine- I used to think it would be easier to heal if I was single but I no longer believe that. I don't think it would be easier single or married I really think the pace of the healing has to do with the person and not their situation. It truly is a mental thing and the ability to do the work to help yourself.

 

Blue- I 100% agree with you about not wanting to end our marriages. Ultimately I think we were all cake eaters but I didn't realize that until just recently. I enjoyed both - including the comforts of my life and marriage but the excitement and intimacy of the affair. I was such a finger pointer at MM but in reality I was doing the same thing- I was just demanding of him because i was caught up in two worlds and I was hurting so bad that I thought it was his fault because he wouldn't choose. Little did I realize the hurt was my fault because i was living a complete and utter lie.

 

Lost- working with xMM sucks a** it does.. but luckily I don't see him every day maybe once or twice a week. He works from home a lot and I do now too. I truly believe it has to be worse for my husband though then it is for me- something I am working through with him.

[Lost_in_emotion]

Affairs are super easy to get into and torture to get out of and recover from. I'm not sure if it's been easier for me because I didn't remain married or not. Some days I think it has and others I think it's just as hard. I was looking for a way out of my marriage, which is probably why I fell so hard for exMM. Also, I thought he was separated at first until I caught him in many lies. I have no idea why I stuck around so long trying to fit a circle into a square. It's kind of scary the things I justified so I could stay in the relationship.

 

Have any of you had drama-filled relationships in the past or grew up with lots of drama in the home? I know, for me, I've never wanted to be around drama yet my behavior doesn't show that with the affair...

[Chica80]

Sunshine- I used to think it would be easier to heal if I was single but I no longer believe that. I don't think it would be easier single or married I really think the pace of the healing has to do with the person and not their situation. It truly is a mental thing and the ability to do the work to help yourself.

 

Blue- I 100% agree with you about not wanting to end our marriages. Ultimately I think we were all cake eaters but I didn't realize that until just recently. I enjoyed both - including the comforts of my life and marriage but the excitement and intimacy of the affair. I was such a finger pointer at MM but in reality I was doing the same thing- I was just demanding of him because i was caught up in two worlds and I was hurting so bad that I thought it was his fault because he wouldn't choose. Little did I realize the hurt was my fault because i was living a complete and utter lie.

 

Lost- working with xMM sucks a** it does.. but luckily I don't see him every day maybe once or twice a week. He works from home a lot and I do now too. I truly believe it has to be worse for my husband though then it is for me- something I am working through with him.

 

I meant easier in the sense that sometimes those longing sadness feelings can be very hard to deal with all the questions and confusion that comes as a cost of A.

If you are trying to reconcile then you are dealing with all that pain and repair that is trying to be done. So that becomes the focus. But those things still have to be dealt with. And sometimes if not dealt with properly can linger for a long time....that's what we tend to see here on this forum I believe.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I meant easier in the sense that sometimes those longing sadness feelings can be very hard to deal with all the questions and confusion that comes as a cost of A.

If you are trying to reconcile then you are dealing with all that pain and repair that is trying to be done. So that becomes the focus. But those things still have to be dealt with. And sometimes if not dealt with properly can linger for a long time....that's what we tend to see here on this forum I believe.

 

I understand what you are saying. I don't know honestly - it is all one big sh** show no matter which way you look at it.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Affairs are super easy to get into and torture to get out of and recover from. I'm not sure if it's been easier for me because I didn't remain married or not. Some days I think it has and others I think it's just as hard. I was looking for a way out of my marriage, which is probably why I fell so hard for exMM. Also, I thought he was separated at first until I caught him in many lies. I have no idea why I stuck around so long trying to fit a circle into a square. It's kind of scary the things I justified so I could stay in the relationship.

 

Have any of you had drama-filled relationships in the past or grew up with lots of drama in the home? I know, for me, I've never wanted to be around drama yet my behavior doesn't show that with the affair...

 

I had a lot of drama at home. My father is an alcoholic and it caused a lot of issues. I was the third child and the baby- the one that was sort of lost and stood in the background to try and not disrupt anything or rock the boat. I am guessing this where my issues with conflict come in because I was never exposed to any sort of healthy conflict so i tend to avoid it all together.

 

I hate drama which is probably why the year in the affair took such a toll on me (well that and many other reasons)-it was high on the intensity but also high on the drama. I was addicted to the high but the drama was hard for me to manage. I did learn a lot about conflict and I am working to face it rather than run from it now.

[DKT3]

I had a lot of drama at home. My father is an alcoholic and it caused a lot of issues. I was the third child and the baby- the one that was sort of lost and stood in the background to try and not disrupt anything or rock the boat. I am guessing this where my issues with conflict come in because I was never exposed to any sort of healthy conflict so i tend to avoid it all together.

 

I hate drama which is probably why the year in the affair took such a toll on me (well that and many other reasons)-it was high on the intensity but also high on the drama. I was addicted to the high but the drama was hard for me to manage. I did learn a lot about conflict and I am working to face it rather than run from it now.

 

You are making good progress, but I thought that before and then you went back.

 

I once asked my wife if you hated what you were doing and didn't want it why did it last off and on for two years? Her response was he was the only person I didn't feel like a worthless piece of &%?? Around. He would still tell me how great I was while truly knowing what I had done.

 

I believe this is why so many have so much trouble pulling away completely. We are all only human, we still need positive response in life no matter how bad some of our actions may have been.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Sunshine- I used to think it would be easier to heal if I was single but I no longer believe that. I don't think it would be easier single or married I really think the pace of the healing has to do with the person and not their situation. It truly is a mental thing and the ability to do the work to help yourself.

 

Blue- I 100% agree with you about not wanting to end our marriages. Ultimately I think we were all cake eaters but I didn't realize that until just recently. I enjoyed both - including the comforts of my life and marriage but the excitement and intimacy of the affair. I was such a finger pointer at MM but in reality I was doing the same thing- I was just demanding of him because i was caught up in two worlds and I was hurting so bad that I thought it was his fault because he wouldn't choose. Little did I realize the hurt was my fault because i was living a complete and utter lie.

 

Lost- working with xMM sucks a** it does.. but luckily I don't see him every day maybe once or twice a week. He works from home a lot and I do now too. I truly believe it has to be worse for my husband though then it is for me- something I am working through with him.

 

i totally agree w/the assessment that we are all actually cake eaters. i never understand the posts from MOW being so angry and feeling used by the xMM. as a MOW, i used xMM as much as he used me. We talked about being together legitimately but neither of us was willing to make a move to do that and ultimately we both felt bad enough about what we were doing to stop doing it.

 

MidnightBlue...I have a lot of the same thought processes as you do, although I know your xMM was a big douche and mine was a sweet teddy bear and I still think he is. But we are where we should be.

[HeCantBreakMe]

You are making good progress, but I thought that before and then you went back.

 

I once asked my wife if you hated what you were doing and didn't want it why did it last off and on for two years? Her response was he was the only person I didn't feel like a worthless piece of &%?? Around. He would still tell me how great I was while truly knowing what I had done.

 

I believe this is why so many have so much trouble pulling away completely. We are all only human, we still need positive response in life no matter how bad some of our actions may have been.

 

I wasn't ready the first time, I realize that now. It was my thought process- at the end of the day I still wanted to be with MM. I thought that if he would just leave her we would be okay and could be together- I couldn't see him for who he truly was.. I also wasn't ready to truly heal- I wanted to and said all of the right things but I wasn't ready to heal because I knew true healing meant telling my husband. I think the other big thing was I didn't understand how to deal with emotions and to work through the addiction component. Emotions are human but I allowed them to control my actions which led me time and time again back into the affair.

 

I think for me the inability to deal with the 'hurt' of letting go was the reason I continued to go back. It is the reason alcoholics can't stop drinking or drug addicts cant get clean they think the feeling of needing the drug will never go away... this isn't true but it is a constant walk through the emotion and understanding it will get better, the feeling will not last, and you do not need it to survive and be healthy.

 

I don't feel stronger this time around- that would be detrimental to me and to my husband. I know i am not a 'safe' spouse yet but damnit i am working on it.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I wasn't ready the first time, I realize that now. It was my thought process- at the end of the day I still wanted to be with MM. I thought that if he would just leave her we would be okay and could be together- I couldn't see him for who he truly was.. I also wasn't ready to truly heal- I wanted to and said all of the right things but I wasn't ready to heal because I knew true healing meant telling my husband. I think the other big thing was I didn't understand how to deal with emotions and to work through the addiction component. Emotions are human but I allowed them to control my actions which led me time and time again back into the affair.

 

I think for me the inability to deal with the 'hurt' of letting go was the reason I continued to go back. It is the reason alcoholics can't stop drinking or drug addicts cant get clean they think the feeling of needing the drug will never go away... this isn't true but it is a constant walk through the emotion and understanding it will get better, the feeling will not last, and you do not need it to survive and be healthy.

 

I don't feel stronger this time around- that would be detrimental to me and to my husband. I know i am not a 'safe' spouse yet but damnit i am working on it.

 

Also, I want to add my husband knowing the truth has helped on so many levels. He sees me for who I am and what i became and he is willing try and move past that together.

 

Also, we are creating intimacy and a bond between us that is real. It is what love should feel like and it is healthy and nice.

[MidnightBlue1980]

i totally agree w/the assessment that we are all actually cake eaters. i never understand the posts from MOW being so angry and feeling used by the xMM. as a MOW, i used xMM as much as he used me. We talked about being together legitimately but neither of us was willing to make a move to do that and ultimately we both felt bad enough about what we were doing to stop doing it.

 

MidnightBlue...I have a lot of the same thought processes as you do, although I know your xMM was a big douche and mine was a sweet teddy bear and I still think he is. But we are where we should be.

 

Yeah. I have to say while I don't sit around anymore filled with thoughts of revenge, I definitely do wish him all the worst life has to offer. My husband says if he walked by and xmm was hanging off a ledge, he'd step on his hands and kick him off. I'd watch him fall and I wouldn't feel bad. He's a piece of sh*t. What he did to me, how he treated me all this year...the manipulation and the lies....I hope he spends the rest of his life filled with remorse and regret but I know he won't. Because people like him, just don't care.

[Poppy47]

No they don't care Midnight Blue.

 

Also they have no remorse or regret, which is the factor that allows them to treat others badly and not give a toss.

 

I sometimes have revenge fantasies. I guess it's normal but I wouldn' t actually carry them out.

 

Poppy.

[Jersey born raised]

I would call 911 and report it then just keep walking and not have a second thought about it except "oh well, sucks to be them"

[MidnightBlue1980]

I would call 911 and report it then just keep walking and not have a second thought about it except "oh well, sucks to be them"

 

When my H used to say that, how he would hate xmm forever and the kicking off the cliff thing, I was still in the fog enough that I felt bad at the thought. But I don't feel bad anymore. Like Poppy said, I don't sit around wishing evil on him, I'm a big believer in karma and I don't want that on me, but I don't feel bad for him at all.

 

The truth always comes out and it certainly did. He got his.

[Poppy47]

When my H used to say that, how he would hate xmm forever and the kicking off the cliff thing, I was still in the fog enough that I felt bad at the thought. But I don't feel bad anymore. Like Poppy said, I don't sit around wishing evil on him, I'm a big believer in karma and I don't want that on me, but I don't feel bad for him at all.

 

The truth always comes out and it certainly did. He got his.

 

I don't think xMM I was tangled up with will ever suffer any consequences. He survived for 8 years without anybody suspecting and will probably go to the grave with his secret. A double life for 8 years is quite an accomplishment.

 

In hindsight, I think he might have been a player long before I knew him. I don't sit around plotting revenge, but it just seems miraculous that he has gotten away with such a huge deception for so long.

 

Poppy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't think xMM I was tangled up with will ever suffer any consequences. He survived for 8 years without anybody suspecting and will probably go to the grave with his secret. A double life for 8 years is quite an accomplishment.

 

In hindsight, I think he might have been a player long before I knew him. I don't sit around plotting revenge, but it just seems miraculous that he has gotten away with such a huge deception for so long.

 

Poppy.

 

There's always something, a price to pay, even if you never know what it is. I agree, it's probably not going to be remorse over what they did to us or their wives. But at least xmm is losing a lot of money. It's all he loves so I'll take it.

 

And for you, you had a whole marriage and life with someone. Your exmm probably cheated on his wife their whole marriage. He will think about that on his deathbed. The deathbed is the time for true reflections but by then it is too late.

 

Rosebud.

 

(lets see who gets that)

[Poppy47]

I certainly had a long happy life with somebody else before xMM.

 

I do believe that when I met him, it was a little late in his life to suddenly decide to have an A. Probably a serial cheater.

 

I get it Rosebud.

 

Poppy.

[HeCantBreakMe]

There's always something, a price to pay, even if you never know what it is. I agree, it's probably not going to be remorse over what they did to us or their wives. But at least xmm is losing a lot of money. It's all he loves so I'll take it.

 

And for you, you had a whole marriage and life with someone. Your exmm probably cheated on his wife their whole marriage. He will think about that on his deathbed. The deathbed is the time for true reflections but by then it is too late.

 

Rosebud.

 

(lets see who gets that)

 

I am not sure if my xMM will ever suffer the consequences either.. This bothered me even up to a couple of weeks ago but it is loosening its hold on me. It isn't up to me to determine what his 'punishment' should be and honestly caring about it would only continue to put me in the affair mind frame which is a place I don't want to be anymore.

 

I just have to let go and let God...

[spideywoman]

There's always something, a price to pay, even if you never know what it is. I agree, it's probably not going to be remorse over what they did to us or their wives. But at least xmm is losing a lot of money. It's all he loves so I'll take it.

 

And for you, you had a whole marriage and life with someone. Your exmm probably cheated on his wife their whole marriage. He will think about that on his deathbed. The deathbed is the time for true reflections but by then it is too late.

 

Rosebud.

 

(lets see who gets that)

 

Citizen Kane classic, one of the best.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am not sure if my xMM will ever suffer the consequences either.. This bothered me even up to a couple of weeks ago but it is loosening its hold on me. It isn't up to me to determine what his 'punishment' should be and honestly caring about it would only continue to put me in the affair mind frame which is a place I don't want to be anymore.

 

I just have to let go and let God...

 

I agree. Besides, what kind of punishment really could you cast on him that you would not be subject to yourself? Myself too. I can't really hold any of the affair stuff against him, I allowed it and participated it in. It does hurt how little I meant and boy oh boy, would I love to get the email Jen there just got. To have the chance to kick him between his teeth when he is down....but reality is that he's gone, it's finally over, my year of pure hell. Things are pretty good at home with my husband so I am just trying to finally move on and forget him completely.

 

I'm not even using the xmm thing much and I don't say NC, I have no idea how long it's been. It's just a guy I used to know who is gone from my life completely.

[Poppy47]

Congratulations Midnight Blue,

 

It gets that way doesn't it. He is just somebody that I USED TO KNOW.

 

I have counted NC weeks. It's 9.5 months today!!! I am just waiting for the year to pass. It seems the grieving process needs to move through the anniversaries and memorable events, then it improves.

 

The thought of ever going back to him is my worst nightmare. I remember all the stress and waiting and rearranging my life to fit in with his. He was very high maintenance with texts and phone calls. At times it drove me mental.

 

He really sucked the life out of me and I still haven't recovered. Getting calmer and more optimistic each day though.

 

Jen is fortunate enough to have the opportunity to say her piece. XMM would never put himself in that position. I know that he is totally bored with his life, his social circle (all his wife's friends) and hates retirement. Maybe that is his punishment.

We should all try to get out of "the affair state of mind".

 

Poppy.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Ha.. Jen is my new hero. I loved her response. There is always a chance xmm will come sniffing around again at my door I hope I am as cool as Jen..

 

So over the affair and xmm... husband and I started doing house projects today it has been since before the affair since I did these since I never knew if there would be a house in my future..it feels good and it feels right.. my life is finally coming back together . I have spent over a year in a hell of my own making and all for what?? !!!!

 

The beginning of the end feels amazing.