Even when you get your MM...

[wbm665]

... things still tend to fall to pieces.

 

 

Every post I have had on here has been about not trusting my MM. The long and short of it is that I went from unknowing OW (July 2014), to knowing OW (March 2015) to very open GF (Sept. 2015) and now we are back to work colleagues (June 2016). And I mean I work with him regularly enough that LC means 2-3 times a week. Both of us are in relatively high positions and neither is willing to leave it, so we constantly slip back into "something" and it blows up all over again. NC might work minus the fact that he has been my closest friend for the last 2.5 years.

 

 

So, this is my warning to those of you who desperately want your MM. I got him and it has been equal parts the best 18 months of my life and the worst 18 months of my life. The level to which we do not trust one another is mind-boggling.

 

 

Please please please be careful. I know without a shadow of a doubt he would have been the perfect partner for me had we not started under the cloud we did. I simply can't shake that off.

[Satu]

Your post made me think of this:

 

 

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

 

- Charles Dickens, "A Tale of Two Cities."

 

 

Take care.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Your post is exactly what this forum has needed. It is what I needed.

 

Thank you for sharing. Would you mind telling more of your story.

 

What about his actions did you not trust? Were you married before him..?

[CommittedToThis]

Thanks for the positive words, I wish you the best in your situation.

 

The level to which we do not trust one another is mind-boggling.

 

Ya think?

 

This just cracks me up because from this side of the glass, I'm like, how could it possibly be any other way? The entire "relationship" was based on lies.

[jennifernyc84]

... things still tend to fall to pieces.

 

 

Every post I have had on here has been about not trusting my MM. The long and short of it is that I went from unknowing OW (July 2014), to knowing OW (March 2015) to very open GF (Sept. 2015) and now we are back to work colleagues (June 2016). And I mean I work with him regularly enough that LC means 2-3 times a week. Both of us are in relatively high positions and neither is willing to leave it, so we constantly slip back into "something" and it blows up all over again. NC might work minus the fact that he has been my closest friend for the last 2.5 years.

 

 

So, this is my warning to those of you who desperately want your MM. I got him and it has been equal parts the best 18 months of my life and the worst 18 months of my life. The level to which we do not trust one another is mind-boggling.

 

 

Please please please be careful. I know without a shadow of a doubt he would have been the perfect partner for me had we not started under the cloud we did. I simply can't shake that off.

 

I just asked a question about this exact situation. Falling for a MM/MW is the worse kind of pain. I feel like there's no winning.

 

My guy still hasn't taken the plunge though. Just keeps me hanging on.

 

 

I wish you the best.

[CommittedToThis]

My guy still hasn't taken the plunge though

 

You mean her guy, right?

[Arieswoman]

A year after we got divorced my exH and I had to meet to sort out the house sale.

 

I asked him why he was so miserable and said sarcastically "Well, you got what you wanted (meaning OW) didn't you?"

 

He replied " I didn't know what I wanted"

 

He then added " I envy you because you can start any future relationship 'clean' "

 

 

 

This bears out the old Chinese curse " May all your wishes come true"

Edited December 13, 2016 by Arieswoman

[aileD]

I read through my WS texts with his then OW. They were littered with jealousy. From both ends. I knew if he ended up with her it wouldn't last. There's a cloud of mistrust and suspicion hanging there. He even said he knew she'd probably cheat on him.

 

One of the things my H said was a wake up call for him was when he was talking to OW about the affair her dad had on her mom when she was younger...she was adamant that the wishes that they would have divorced (even though they are solid now). H was thinking "why do I want to be with someone who sees divorce as such an easy option, someone not willing to get through issues". OH WAIT YOU HAVE THAT AT HOME IN YOUR OWN MARRIAGE WITH YOUR OWN WIFE.

 

*rolls eyes*. Affairs make you lose brain cells.

[goodyblue]

Well. I am sure sorry that happened.

 

We did a lot of work through therapy and in other ways to ensure that we don't have these issues. Honestly we never really did have problems with trust but we made sure to do whatever we could to be sure we were on solid ground.

[road]

... things still tend to fall to pieces.

 

 

Every post I have had on here has been about not trusting my MM. The long and short of it is that I went from unknowing OW (July 2014), to knowing OW (March 2015) to very open GF (Sept. 2015) and now we are back to work colleagues (June 2016). And I mean I work with him regularly enough that LC means 2-3 times a week. Both of us are in relatively high positions and neither is willing to leave it, so we constantly slip back into "something" and it blows up all over again. NC might work minus the fact that he has been my closest friend for the last 2.5 years.

 

 

So, this is my warning to those of you who desperately want your MM. I got him and it has been equal parts the best 18 months of my life and the worst 18 months of my life. The level to which we do not trust one another is mind-boggling.

 

 

Please please please be careful. I know without a shadow of a doubt he would have been the perfect partner for me had we not started under the cloud we did. I simply can't shake that off.

 

Oh woe is me, I want NC but chose to not have NC. If you really wanted OM gone you would find another job.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Well. I am sure sorry that happened.

 

We did a lot of work through therapy and in other ways to ensure that we don't have these issues. Honestly we never really did have problems with trust but we made sure to do whatever we could to be sure we were on solid ground.

 

Some people do end up happy but the vast majority, in the end, do not.

[goodyblue]

Some people do end up happy but the vast majority, in the end, do not.

 

Agreed. .

[MidnightBlue1980]

When I was separated I got involved with someone who was separated. I did not realize people stay separated for years and years. I got divorced, so I thought everyone just actually went on to actually get the divorce. Nope.

 

It was the worst kind of hell because it looked like a real relationship in that we were out in the open, did everything normal couples do, but he was still legally married. We never saw eye to eye on it. He would say it's just a piece of paper but it's not. I felt like I could not move forward with the relationship. After all, I got divorced. Eventually I moved on but I wasted 3 years waiting and believing the "any day now" lines.

 

Most of my friends are already married but I tell anyone, never date anyone who is not legally divorced. And I don't mean filed, I mean divorced.

 

PS. He is still married 12 years later. (any day now!)

[sandylee1]

What was the reason you broke up after becoming the open girlfriend? I presume he left his wife for you right?

[MidnightBlue1980]

What was the reason you broke up after becoming the open girlfriend? I presume he left his wife for you right?

 

Is this to me?

 

Yes, he did leave his 2nd wife within a few weeks of meeting me, but he left his first wife for his second wife when she got pregnant during their affair. He resented his second wife the whole marriage because of how it all went down and just looking for a reason to leave. I was young and in an abusive marriage in a new city. I was in the process of separating when I met him.

 

Technically the reason we broke up 3 years later was because he didn't get divorced. I will say now, many years later with a home and family, I do see how long these things take, but back then I did not understand.

 

But part of it was me. He was insistent that we get married as soon as he got divorced and he was pretty controlling. For example, he had kids and he said it was inappropriate for me to go out with friends on a Saturday night while he was off with his kids, that I should stay home. He had all my passwords and would read all my communications with everyone. He was extremely jealous of my ex and any guy friends. He wanted me to dress differently and so on.

 

So he would say I did not give him the security he needed to go through with the divorce. And he would be correct because I was not in the right place to jump into a marriage with someone else. I was young and newly divorced. I wanted him to be single so we could be a normal couple, he wanted total commitment - marriage - before he would divorce.

 

He also lied a lot. I caught him in a bunch of lies which only made me more uncertain. I could not end the relationship. He would just be at my apartment and would make a scene. So one day I up and quit my job, bought a condo and moved. I gave him an ultimatum, I'm moving so file for divorce or it's done, and I never saw him again.

 

It's been a long time now but I recently saw on FB that he is still married. His wife's profile pic is of the two of them, so I guess they reconciled.

 

I dodged a bullet big time. Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it.

 

And of course you are going to say, but here you are back again, and you would be right. I did not learn my lesson the first time so life had me go through it again.

[aileD]

You did dodge a bullet. You could have been wife three that gets left for OW 4.

 

I'm glad you saw thru it. I hope you can remember that and move on.

 

Not sure if it's this thread or another but someone else said something that sticks with me and I'm not even an OW.

 

How many blanks did you have to fill in with fantasy and memories of good times and wishing and wanting? How many times were you alone while he was with his family or wife? You're telling yourself he loves you and it's a fairytale but he's not even there so you are filling in the blanks with fantasy which makes the feelings much stronger. Take a step back and see it for what it was.

 

I wish you peace

[MidnightBlue1980]

You did dodge a bullet. You could have been wife three that gets left for OW 4.

 

I'm glad you saw thru it. I hope you can remember that and move on.

 

Not sure if it's this thread or another but someone else said something that sticks with me and I'm not even an OW.

 

How many blanks did you have to fill in with fantasy and memories of good times and wishing and wanting? How many times were you alone while he was with his family or wife? You're telling yourself he loves you and it's a fairytale but he's not even there so you are filling in the blanks with fantasy which makes the feelings much stronger. Take a step back and see it for what it was.

 

I wish you peace

 

I was single, this was 15 years ago, but yes, I was in a strange city and so I spent 3 years of Christmas, New Years Eve, NY Day, Thanksgiving, and Easter alone. I'd see him every weekend, we went away, stuff like that but the important times, I was alone.

 

What made it so tough to end the relationship was he would twist it back on me, it was my fault he didn't file because I didn't give him enough security, so basically it was my fault I was alone. So I'd be really, really, REALLY good for a while and not complain, be perfect but my personality, eventually I'd blow up screaming and yelling, change my number, go out on a date, etc. Then he'd say I set us back at the beginning. It was torturous.

 

So you think to yourself, I just have to do better next time.

 

Keep in mind I was in my 20s. It's easier to do this stuff to young women.

[wbm665]

Oh woe is me, I want NC but chose to not have NC. If you really wanted OM gone you would find another job.

 

I'm sorry. I didn't say I would like to be NC. This is a man I have spoken to every morning for the last 2.5 years. I don't want to be NC. I want our relationship to work, but it simply isn't.

 

Even his ex wants him to be with me. Again, we started when they were separated. Separated because she was having an affair. We were only "together"briefly when he tried to reconcile with her when his kids had substantial issues (suicide attempt for one child).

 

I wish I knew why we didn't trust each other. We have talked about doing counseling to work through it but instead decided to split up. He lies about very stupid things - date he filed for divorce, trip he took with the ex when we were not together but when he insisted he wasn't going with her, etc.

 

At the end of the day he left his marriage because it was over. We started dating again after he had started the process.

[cocorico]

I know without a shadow of a doubt he would have been the perfect partner for me had we not started under the cloud we did.

 

He lies about very stupid things - date he filed for divorce, trip he took with the ex when we were not together but when he insisted he wasn't going with her, etc.

 

So your "perfect partner" would be someone who lies about random stuff?

 

I find your posts confusing. In the first post you claim that, were it not for having started as an A, he would be your "perfect partner".

 

In the later posts you claim that he lies about "very stupid things", and as a result you can't trust him.

 

These are two very different things, though they can be connected (and in his case, it looks likely). It seems to me that the real reason you don't trust him is because he lies to you - not because once upon a time, during your R, he was married.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. If someone was lying to me, I wouldn't trust them, either. Nor would I want a R with them.

 

But that's different to saying, "our R would be perfect if we hadn't started as an affair". Nope, not if he lies to you, it wouldn't. You wouldn't, and don't, trust him. Without trust, an A is very very far from perfect - I'd go so far as to say, it's far from sustainable (unless you're happy to keep it superficial, and don't invest.).

 

There are a number of us here who are happily M to our fMM, who don't have any trust issues. Trust issues are not inevitable just because one person had a vestigial M during (part of) your R. How they treated you throughout your R, how they treat others in all aspects of their lives, how they handled the dissolution of their M and how they have addressed whatever issues led to them not terminating the M more quickly - these all contribute to the building or eroding of trust. I trust my H completely. If he lied to me, I would not.

 

I understand why you do not trust your ex lover. I do not understand why you would consider him a perfect partner aside from the A, when it's clearly the lying rather than the A at the root of your mistrust.

[anika99]

I wish I knew why we didn't trust each other.

 

Well it's kind of obvious why you don't trust each other. You don't trust him because he lies. He doesn't trust you because he knows he lies and liars don't trust other people because they think everyone lies.

[sandylee1]

I'm sorry. I didn't say I would like to be NC. This is a man I have spoken to every morning for the last 2.5 years. I don't want to be NC. I want our relationship to work, but it simply isn't.

 

Even his ex wants him to be with me. Again, we started when they were separated. Separated because she was having an affair. We were only "together"briefly when he tried to reconcile with her when his kids had substantial issues (suicide attempt for one child).

 

I wish I knew why we didn't trust each other.We have talked about doing counseling to work through it but instead decided to split up. He lies about very stupid things - date he filed for divorce, trip he took with the ex when we were not together but when he insisted he wasn't going with her, etc.

.

 

Do you think he still has feelings fior his Ex wife?

 

Maybe the trust issues on your side stem from there. He was prepared to reconcile despite her having an affair, so that would make me uneasy if I were in your shoes.

 

Then he lied about going somewhere with her. There's a theme with his lies ..... they centre around his Ex wife.

[ladydesigner]

To the OP have you thought of attending couples counseling with him? I think that may be helpful in healing those wounds left over from the A. I feel it will take time if you want this to work. Also does your partner lie about other things as well not A related?

[wbm665]

To the OP have you thought of attending couples counseling with him? I think that may be helpful in healing those wounds left over from the A. I feel it will take time if you want this to work. Also does your partner lie about other things as well not A related?

 

 

Yes, he lies about things other than his ex, but most of it was about her and it was because he is conflict avoidant. For example, he told me he had stopped paying all the bills at her house in Jan. of last year. I thought that was odd as he would be ordered to pay support, so I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, but that was between him, her and their attorneys.

 

 

Found out, because I stumbled across cancelled bills when he had asked me to look for some paperwork with respect to the dog we got that he was still paying the mortgage and utilities and such. It didn't matter to me one way or another but he thought I wanted him to cut her off so he said he did.

 

 

Conversely, way back in the day he told me he made more money than he does and sent me a picture of a house that he wanted me to think he lived in. It is stupid, insignificant things which make no sense to me. (but I am not the least bit materialistic and his ex openly admits she is)

 

 

So it's stuff like that -- he tells me what he thinks I want to hear. I know he did this with his ex though so its 17 years of learned behavior and I think she simply didn't care so long as her bills were paid.

 

 

I truly haven't lied to him - so to me, it's exceptionally frustrating that he would even question my truthfulness. But yes, it is something within him that causes the issue.

 

 

As far as counseling, we have talked about it, but no -- haven't moved forward on it because I don't think there is a point if I can't trust him. And part of trusting him is forgiving him all the lies he told at the beginning of the relationship. And yes, him leaving me to go back to the now ex-wife and then leaving for the same reasons he left the 1st time.