Should I get a divorce?

[Chrosed]

My husband and I have been married for a year but together for 4. We have always had some form of issues. Mostly his anger and overall way he speaks to me and makes me feel as though I'm stupid or unlovable. I've felt alone for years even though I've been with him. I've also always suffered from self esteem issues and I've looked for positive attention from my relationships (which I've only recently noticed as a problem.) I have wanted a child for a while and my husbands family being fairly religious had requested that we be married before trying to start a family. So I'll admit that I rushed into the marriage hoping for a baby. I had tried to convince my husband to go to counselling with me before the wedding but he kept looking good stuff counselling as giving up on the relationship. When really I just wanted to strengthen the relationship. So we fought often and I cried and told him if things didn't change I would leave. But things continued to stay the same, but I didn't leave. I've recently realized I'm very depressed and scared to talk or have an opinion and am always terrified of pushing his buttons and being yelled at. So I told him I was actually done this time and went to stay at a friend's. At which point he agreed to going to counselling to work on ourban problems. I just keep feeling as though he's working me in all the right ways manipulating me to stay but I wish it hadn't taken myou foot out the door for him to want help. I'm just incredibly torn about what to do. I've also been feeling as though I've been hitting a wall in the relationship. He has awful credit that he refuses to look into fixing and we found out recently that he is unable to reproduce. So staying with him means we will probably never have a child together or even own a house. I just want to find someone who has more motivation in life and had more common interests with me. But I also feel like Its not fair for me to give up now when heshe actually wanting to try.

[vla1120]

i am guessing that you are both young. There was something about him that kept you with him for 5 years. If he is willing to work on the marriage in therapy, I would say give it a chance. Also seek individual counseling to work on your own self-esteem issues. Maybe he has some of his own, as well. If you do decide to cut and run, do it before kids are involved. (I was told when I was 21 that I would not bear children. After 3 daughters, I am proof that doctors don't always get it right.).

[vla1120]

I also meant to add, no offense to many men, but often they mature much later than we do. My first husband was really, seriously, like having a 4th child at times. I was the breadwinner with the medical benefits. I handled the finances. I carried the bulk of the serious family responsibilities. It drove me insane, but he really WAS the best dad I could have picked for my daughters, especially when they were young. He was Mr. Mom, and he was good at it. Give your husband and your marriage a chance.

[amaysngrace]

They always promise to change but hardly any of them ever do.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Chrosed, sorry but it seems that you are stuck in a toxic marriage and are in for a rough ride. Your husband definitely has anger issues and you are likely to be his punching bag for a long long time. He may go for counselling but he would have to take a detailed anger management course to help him identify and then root out the causes for his quick temper. Temper, if not controlled, can lead to violence and things can escalate from there. Only you know the depth and width of the problem you face and you will have to reflect on your knowledge of your husband and what triggers him, to take a call on whether you can continue in this marriage or not. People on an internet forum cannot really advise you about something as serious as this in black and white terms. They can quote from their own experiences and tell you what they did but then their situations would probably be as different from yours as chalk is from cheese. You can take what is useful and seems applicable in your case and use it as a yardstick to compare your own situation with theirs and draw your own conclusions. But that is about all.

 

My advice would be to consult your close family and very good friends who actually know your husband first hand and have seen him operating under various circumstances and ask them for their views. Finally only you know deep within yourself what is in your interest and what would be goof for you in the future going forward. Remember marriagesay be made in Heaven but they have to be lived out on Earth. Good luck.

 

Hi vla, you said your first husband was a very good Dad for your girls. I don't know your story but why did you divorce/ separate from him if that was true? Did you lose respect for him because he was a SAHD/H? Was he abusive as a husband or did he cheat on you? Please feel free to answer only if you feel like it. Thanks. Warm wishes to all.