my ex gf made me feel insecure

[fred123]

Not sure if this is in the right thread. Apologies if it isnt.

Im looking bak at my past rship a lot more clearly now.

 

Im wondering about respect and boundaries.

So my ex gf we were dating 6 months ( official 1.5 months).

We broke up ( i did) because she told me that her ex had messaged her saying he met someone new and she had been crying the whole week ( made sense she was being weird about it).

I understood and said we should be friends as she has unresolved feeligs for him. She said she was sorry and that i was wrong timing. I wouldnt have broken up with her and supported her ( which i did to a certain extent) but she said that she always hoped theyd get back together again. ( they broke up over a year a go. They were together a year).

 

Inside i thought once she has time to get over him we would rekindle

 

Just want peoples opinioms on how they would handle this situation and what they would have done in my shoes .

 

Do u stay or go? Have you been in this situation? Do you be supportive?

 

She did tell me 2 weeks before this that she fallen for me and saw a future with me.

[Satu]

I would never invest myself into a relationship with someone who has unresolved issues with an ex.

 

Being the rebound is a thankless job.

 

 

From my journals:

 

 

Getting back on the horse

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if the breakup was particularly traumatic..

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Take care.

[fred123]

but what if you didnt know until the end that you weren't a rebound? what if you thought she was over him and there were no issues?

[Satu]

I would walk away as soon as I realised that it was a rebound relationship.

 

 

Take care.

[Sunkissedpatio]

You did the right thing, given what you found out. Good for you for being strong and walking away with dignity.

 

Once she resolves her emotional state, like you said, she can come to you then and if you are still available great.

[Buddhist]

Given your timeline I wouldn't call it a rebound relationship and not sure I would have been so quick to end the relationship either. I've never been in that situation but if a current partner told me he always imagined he'd reconcile with a former lover, I'd want a bit of space. Give him a bit of space to sort his head out and if he was able to come back to me and say, well it was a shock and he didn't realise he was consciously harbouring that thought and well it's over and done with I'd still be inclined to continue on with him.

 

I think it's possible that people can cling to false hope for no other reason than it was the mechanism for getting over pain and they'd forgotten to ever let go of that security blanket. I did it for 4yrs after I broke up with someone I really loved. I had no idea I was still waiting for him to come back until some life events hit me in the face with it and I was forced to confront it. It didn't mean I was seriously harbouring hope of a reconciliation and consciously I knew that even if he were to turn up on my doorstep again with flowers in hand my answer would still be no. I had been through all the logical rationale on that. But that emotional security blanket was there nonetheless as a comforting little fantasy that helped me through the darkest times and I'd forgotten to CTRL-ALT-DEL it.

[SamIam5]

Satu is correct. This has "rebound" written all over it. Learn from your mistake. I don't blame you for getting involved with her, though. You had no way of knowing.

I was in a similar position with the last girl I dated. Stupidly, I believed her when she said things like "You mean more to me than my ex" etc. One day, while I wasn't there, she broke down and cried the entire night. I later found out from her friend that she was crying over memories of her ex. I thought, "Great...". I got over it, and told her I would be there for her if she needed me. She broke up with me a few weeks later over something totally unrelated. Truth is, I'm glad she did.

My advice? Walk away and don't turn back. If her ex is still on her mind, she won't be able to commit to you.

[BAcK]

I was in a same situation 3 months ago. My ex gf broke up with me because she still loved her ex bf and she said she couldn't lie to me anymore. Obviously she cited several other reasons for the break up to get rid of the guilt.

 

I always knew she still loved the other guy but I never thought that he had such a strong hold on her otherwise i would have never officialised things between us. As soon as he reached out she had a revelation that she felt nothing for me.

And then it struck to me that I was a REBOUND. The same applies to you. I spent the best time of my life with her and let me tell you that our RS was very brief. After a lot a begging, pleading and also we both said a lot of nasty things to each other, i went NC. You handled your BU far better than i did.

As it is now, i still love her but i have developped some kind of hatred for her. From my experience you have chosen the best option.

Now work on yourself, be a better you and maybe in the future she may want to get back with you. But who knows, you may have found someone else by that time. But whatever you do, do it for yourself not for her. YOLO

[DeepVibeZ]

They broke up a year ago? I'd have called that as pretty safe, as I never date girls on the rebound. Not that it matters, if her heart still belongs to the ex and you wanted a committed relationship, then you did the right thing in leaving.

[fred123]

I did have a couple of threads a year ago on this.

I just thought id use this place to vent rather than email her but also to tell the LS people what happened.

 

after the break up she didnt fight for me and said i was just wrong timing.

she needed space to get over her ex. i respected that and supported her and she said i was an amazing guy. I understand its hard to get over someone.

But she told me she fell in love with me so if tis is true then why she care if her ex has met someone new? she should be happy with me right?

 

so 2 days after my break up my best friend sees her logged onto Jswipe ( jewish dating app). i called her out on it and she told me she was on there to see if her ex was on there?! ( confusing/bull****?)

 

we me kept in contact for a month and met up twice and kissed etc. I asked her after the first week if she wanted me to wait for her and that i would she said no. She said she was happier by herself and told me that she couldn't commit. That hurt me when she said she was happier by herself than she was with me. I was happier with her! She said that she preferred being by herself.

 

I told her i slept with someone 2 weeks after we broke up as i was heart broken ( didnt mean anything). She was upset and crying. I told her that she didnt want to be my gf or even talk about things.

My birthday was coming up and i wanted to spedn it with her so i told her keep two days free we will go to a spa break. she said ok then a week later changed her mind and said it was too coupley and that she panics and hates doing coupley things. ( she used to tell me that all the time we were dating). we didnt go in the end.

 

2 months after the break up i find out she's dating again. I asked her what?! she told me she's over her ex. i said ok why dont we rekindle things as we were happy together ( we had plans to move out in summer and go away and stuff). she said I'm not the guy for her, we are too different and also I'm not jewish.

I was shocked she never mentioned any of these things while we were together. Its strange cos i asked her to be my girlfriend after 5 months of dating and she said yes so how can a month after she be thinking we are too different etc? surely she would have known within the 5 months all of this? what changed in a month?!

 

then she tells me the main reason we aren't together is cos I'm not jeiwsh ( I'm indian). And the reason she didnt fight for me was cos of that otherwise we would still be together. She said its always been in the back of her mind it could be a problem. I'm like wtf?! why would u lead me on?!!

 

so know she's dating a jewish guy and within a month and half or 2 months she invites him to a workmates wedding for a weekend. which I'm shocked and pissed off about cos the 6 months we were together she always told me that she didnt want people esp her workmates knowing her dating life and every time i was with her she told me she didnt want me coming to her workplace as people would ask questions so i never did. She even told me to not post relationship status of us together on Facebook cos she wanted to keep it private.

Next thing i know she then puts a pic of the two of them on instagram ( i dont have that). wtf?! everyone knows about them cos its all over insatgram. i didnt have one pic with her and i was with her for 6 months ( official bf and gf, she fell in love with me and told me she saw a future with me).

 

They even went to her best friends sisters party together and pout another pic of them together. I never met her best friend or friends and she never met mine. She told me that her best friend wanted to meet me but she wasn't ready to introduce me and also cos her best friend is going out with a big black guy and she was awakard about doing a couple date together and meeting them. HUH?!

When we were dating after 4 months of dating my best friend had a 30th birthday surprise in a pub down the road from my girl. She was invited and i asked her. She said she was tired and also was awakard meeting new people. i understood and respected her as always.

 

I find out that she went to this new guys friends birthday. i asked her why and not mine she said that she was wearing jeans and that he couldn't leave her at his flat alone so she went with him to the out to his friends birthday. she said she was wearing joggers when she met me and couldn't go cos of that ( i met her the night of my friends birthday before i dropped her home and went to his party).

 

I mean is it cos I'm not jewish? i only saw her once a week and we live 5 mins away. he lives half hour away and dont have a car so she drives to his and sees him twice a week. She always wears jeans and dresses up when they go out for dinner but she never did with me. she never paid for any hotels we stayed at ( £700 i payed for).

All the things she said to me like how she hates coupley things and it makes her panics she's doing it with him. She told me last year she didnt want to go zoo with me cos she doesn't want to or like it and now i see she went to the zoo with him and she booked and planned it.

 

i dont understand. i feel its a fraud and lied to.

 

can someone help me understand? If i knew it was a jewish thing i told her i was willing to talk about converting but she said its not that simple.

 

help me understand

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the bottom line here is that she liked you, but not enough to want to be your girlfriend long-term.

 

Religion could indeed factor in here, but her heart wasn't in the right place with you. She recognized that her own interest level wasn't high enough, and did the right thing by ending it.

[Been]

RUN don't walk away. No matter what you do she's always going to be prone to have feelings for her ex.

[fred123]

Im angry. I feel led on. I feel humiliayed and lied too.

How did i not have a pic of me and my gf after 6 months and this guy did after 2?!

 

I never mentiomed anything at the time as i respected her and her wishes about everything. I genuinely thought she had her guard up and was hurt and scared so i understood. Now shes doing everyting she told me she didnt like to do with this new guy! Im telling u she told me hated and panicked doing coupley things wheninsuggested them but takinf a guy to a wedding and putting pics of them togetjer isnt?!!

[elaine567]

then she tells me the main reason we aren't together is cos I'm not Jewish ( I'm indian). And the reason she didnt fight for me was cos of that otherwise we would still be together. She said its always been in the back of her mind it could be a problem.

 

Believe her.

All the rest was just excuses.

As soon as she found a Jewish bf, she proudly showed him off.

Family is important to most and especially to women as they often rely on family support to help with child rearing.

Marrying the "wrong" man and causing family division and upset, is the last thing many want to do.

I guess she got carried away and thought the two of you could make a go of it at some point, but then she realised it wouldn't work, or it perhaps got pointed out to her that things were NOT going to be plain sailing from a religious point of view.

 

BTW if you want a woman back after a break up, do not go out and sleep with other women, even if it did "mean nothing".

If she had been undecided and maybe wanted to reconcile, in many cases that news would kill any lingering affection she had for you stone dead.

Many woman believe in love stories, and their man if he truly loves her and wants her back, does not go off and almost immediately hump other women, that kind of spoils the story of true love...

[fromheart]

So 2 weeks before she's telling you she has a future with you, then she's crying about her ex.

 

I would simply tell her I see no future with her, and move on.

[guest569]

I don't think her heart was ever in it. If you are truly happy with someone, your ex doesn't even enter your mind. Well, not in the sense of missing them, longing for them and hoping for reconciliation. You did the right thing by ending it. Not so much the hope of her coming around. It would be a deal breaker for me. Along with "I'm happier alone". Ouch. NC all the way.

[dumbass2]

Wow, it seems by what you have told us that she really was never in it and did lead you on. One of the biggest red flags was that she wanted to keep things private and just between you two and didn't want family and friends to know. She knew you weren't right for her and that her family and friends probably wouldn't approve, but enjoyed your company until the right one comes along. The Jewish thing could be legit, but then she should have never gone that far with you. It sucks, but she used you a bit. You need to notice the red flags early on. she should have been wanting to show you off to family and friends at least after the first month or so. That's when you tend to know if you really think you could have future with someone. She didn't do that. She hide you from everyone. That shouldn't happen. There was never a future with this woman. I would not contact her or allow her to contact you ever again.

[fred123]

thank you for your replies. i rather write here as it helps me also.

Like i said its been a year since i made a thread about this girl and she did say from the beginning she didnt want anything serious and kinda treated me accordingly.

 

Having spoken to her after the break up she did say she was a pain to date the first three months but she said in january she did change and start making effort to see me more than once a week etc.

 

i dont know the truth anymore. it does hurt that she is doing all the stuff she said she hated with this new guy. i thought was i special and she told me she fell in love with me and we planned a lot of things over the summer. she was even online furniture shopping for me and we talked about going away etc.

while we were dating we talked about the future and she told me that me not being jewish was ok with her parents and that mine were ok too and that her kids would be jewish etc. we used to joke about what our kids would do when they grew up.

she used to send me picos of wedding dresses and rings cos we used to talk about it (not in serious way!) and i told her my dream wedding would be on a beach etc. We even used to joke about me not being there for labour and she told me it was a deal breaker etc .

I asked her why she would talk to me about this or even entertain these convso if she weren't serious about me or saw a future with me. she said she did and that she felt comfortable talking to me about this stuff and never done with any previous guy.

can someone explain to me why a girl would talk about this stuff with a guy?!

 

I'm pissed off about the fact that i asked her why after 6 months she didnt want to tell her workmates about me. she said she did it to protect me cos they are football/ sports guys and used to take the piss out of the last bf of hers. there banter is quite difficult to get and she told me it took her a while to get used to their banter. i told her i can defend myself. i then asked why she didnt feel the need to protect the new guy ( after knowing him 2 months!) and even to invite him to a wedding after telling me she didnt want anyone to ask questions about her dating life?! (doesn't make sense). she said he is a scouser and so can protect himself. wtf?!!

[LargoLagg]

I can tell that you know the answer to all these questions you're raising, yet at the same time, I can see that you're not listening to yourself.

 

How do you explain that?

[Been]

Usually when your ex cries over her ex it's because they want to be with them but for some reason cant-he/she drinks too much,they don't have a good job,etc. if the ex shows change they will RUN back to the ex. You stand no chance no matter what you do.

[BC1980]

Im angry. I feel led on. I feel humiliayed and lied too.

How did i not have a pic of me and my gf after 6 months and this guy did after 2?!

 

I never mentiomed anything at the time as i respected her and her wishes about everything. I genuinely thought she had her guard up and was hurt and scared so i understood. Now shes doing everyting she told me she didnt like to do with this new guy! Im telling u she told me hated and panicked doing coupley things wheninsuggested them but takinf a guy to a wedding and putting pics of them togetjer isnt?!!

 

Okay, so now you know how to spot red flags next time. If someone doesn't want to take a picture together after 6 months, that's a red flag. Something is wrong with that. If she wants to keep you a secret from her work friends after 6 months, that also raises suspicions. I understand you are angry, but use the anger to promise you won't let yourself fall into this trap again.

[fred123]

its funny how i listen to what a lot of people esp the women here say.

They say its important to respect a girl and who she is.

 

I remember my ex gf who i was dating for 6 months. I respected she hated doing coupley things and panics at the thought of them. so when i used to ask her to do things and she said no i would never force an issue. Always made time and effort for her. always thought of her and asked her to events with me and bought her medicine when she was ill or chocolates when she was feeling pissed off and angry with work etc.

Always respected her views that she likes to keep dating life private and doesn't want her work mates to know about it and how she hates meeting new people cos she finds it awkward. Never pushed her or forced her. respected her views that she didnt want anything on Facebook about us etc. she always said she didnt want people at her work to know about us etc. and i respected that and never picked her up at work or anything.

 

But i feel insecure now knowing her new guy she met after me she's doing all the opposite things that she told me she didnt like doing. Do i feel like a mug? yes. why would a girl/ girlfriend make their guy who apparently they love feel this way and treat them like this.

 

Its sad when the good guys truly believe and respect a girl and be patient with them only to see this happen.

 

i guess its true good guys do come last and get treated unfairly

[CommittedToThis]

What your ex is doing now shouldn't be your concern, my brokenhearted friend.

 

She's gone, it's no use following her every online move, it will only add to your torment, insecurity, and feelings of confusion.

 

What you might consider doing is to be looking your best, going out to a bar, buying a beverage and challenging yourself to strike up a convo with at least one woman. Just one. Ask her what's up and make her laugh.

 

That's it, that's the extent of your interaction. You go home.

 

You'll still be brokenhearted but you'll know it's not the end of the world, that it's still possible to meet that special "Every Kiss Begins With Kay" someone. It just takes time and you'll get there.

 

I'm just saying, little interactions with women here and there help ease the transition back into full-blown on the prowl mode. Give it time and for Allah's sake, stop following her. You're willingly prying a crowbar into the bloodied and be-scabbed wound of your heart.

[fred123]

THANX FOR THE REPLY. yh i get that.

 

i was just saying how its strange that she could never invite me anywhere and told me all such things then is doing the complete opposite with this guy

 

thats gonna mke me feel like **** and that my rhsip with her was lies?

[CommittedToThis]

my rhsip with her was lies?

 

Home-slice: I spent 10 years in a relationship that, at the end, in her words was "all fake. All of it. All of this is fake."

 

I learned she likely suffered Cluster B traits and like a normal human I struggled to understand the cycle of abuse she put me thru. A cycle I rode without a helmet I might add.

 

So yeah, if I can wrap my mind around 10 years built on lies at the hands of a possible sociopath, so can you.

 

It took me 15 months to recover and start dating and being physically intimate with women again.