my ex gf made me feel insecure

[frus69]

where does this nice guy finished last come from???

 

 

Your problem is your ex wasn't into you. Not because you are nice.

[LargoLagg]

I think his problem was that he put too much importance on what his girlfriend wanted and very little importance on what he wanted. In this respect, he was indeed "too nice", and in the end, everybody who acts like that eventually gets left behind.

 

He was in it for the "relationship" rather than in it for a genuine mutual interest. Essentially, he found a big part of her not to his liking but he stuck with her anyway. He should have been growing more and more dissatisfied and taken action to reflect his dissatisfaction. Instead, he was willing to compromise his desires completely, and his reward is that he finds himself pining for a girl who didn't want to give him the coupley things he was looking for. He's hung up on a girl who, at the end of the day, didn't really make him happy.

 

Today, he ALMOST sees the truth. He sees that with the right guy, she wants the same things he wanted. Lesson learned. But what he doesn't see is that HE WAS TO BLAME, not her.

 

OP, YOU DID THIS, NOT HER. YOU ALONE ARE RESPONSIBLE.

 

If you learn that lesson and take it to heart, you'll be golden in the future.

[TheTraveler]

You are a doormat

[Sweetfish]

its funny how i listen to what a lot of people esp the women here say.

They say its important to respect a girl and who she is.

 

I remember my ex gf who i was dating for 6 months. I respected she hated doing coupley things and panics at the thought of them. so when i used to ask her to do things and she said no i would never force an issue. Always made time and effort for her. always thought of her and asked her to events with me and bought her medicine when she was ill or chocolates when she was feeling pissed off and angry with work etc.

Always respected her views that she likes to keep dating life private and doesn't want her work mates to know about it and how she hates meeting new people cos she finds it awkward. Never pushed her or forced her. respected her views that she didnt want anything on Facebook about us etc. she always said she didnt want people at her work to know about us etc. and i respected that and never picked her up at work or anything.

 

But i feel insecure now knowing her new guy she met after me she's doing all the opposite things that she told me she didnt like doing. Do i feel like a mug? yes. why would a girl/ girlfriend make their guy who apparently they love feel this way and treat them like this.

 

Its sad when the good guys truly believe and respect a girl and be patient with them only to see this happen.

 

i guess its true good guys do come last and get treated unfairly

 

Fred, the sad truth is that you were used. She kept you snuggled away until she got her prize.

[Blanco]

Good guys don't finish last. "Nice" guys do.

 

I agree with others who say she really wasn't that in to you. That was made worse by you compromising what you wanted from a relationship entirely for what she said she wanted. You have to make compromises in a relationship, but you can't be making all of them. That's not being a "nice" guy. That's being a pushover. Women, heck people, don't respect pushovers. They may take advantage of them, but they don't respect them.

 

Your biggest mistake was recognizing a pretty big incompatibility between you two and, instead of walking away, you hobbled your wants in the name of making her happy.

 

In the future, be willing to hear and acknowledge who a woman is, and yes, respect that. But don't try to jam a square peg into a round hole after you find out that who she is doesn't jive with who you are.

[Blanco]

fred, I checked your other threads and remembered reading the one about this girl crying when she found out her ex was dating someone else.

 

So here's the silver lining: She may not have been into you, but she's probably not really ready for a relationship with any guy while she's still so affected by her ex's love life.

[basil67]

Yes, respect who people are and don't try to change them. But at the same time, don't lose sight of who you are and what you want. If the two things cannot mesh happily, then call it a fail.

[RoseHeart]

So because one girl didn't appreciate you and shared your feelings it means "good guys do come last and get treated unfairly". That mindset is a problem. That's actually a slight insult to many of us who are in relationships with good guys and who we treat well.

 

The thing is, you two were not compatible. It's nothing you did. Being kind is not enough to maintain a relationship. A relationship requires 2 dedicated people, who actually have chemistry and compatibility. Niceness and respect is very important but that alone cannot be enough. There is more things needed to mix. You and this girl weren't on the same level and she didn't treat you right.

 

Many of us have given our all to someone to be dumped or hurt in the end. I know it sucks but this happens to almost everyone at a point in their life. You can't be passive aggressive about it or assume it's because girls don't appreciate good guys. That is like me saying because my last ex dumped me for his previous ex, there aren't nice guys who will appreciate nice girls. It's not true. There are plenty of awesome people on this planet and you can find this girl but you'll need to tone down on judging everyone based off your ex..

[Bee4Shine]

Sounds like she is in need of some soul searching. She cannot see a future with you if she is grieving to that extent about the past and what will not happen with her ex. And then the whole Jewish excuse? If this is typical of her behavior and never really sure of what she wants or unwilling to let the past go, you may have made the right choice. I am thinking all the confusion is not good for a solid relationship.

[whatdeww18]

I think you did the right thing and in my opinion, no matter how long or short the relationship, if feelings were there, you would get hurt too.

It's definitely okay to feel what you do and I feel sorry that you had to do all that. Breaking up with someone is never easy, bravo to you for seeing that and letting her go. It was not fair of her to date you when she thought her feelings for her ex were not in check.

 

She may have thought that 6 months later, she was over her ex and dating would ease her into losing her feelings entirely. I don't think she sorted her feelings out entirely.

 

From someone that was recently dumped, and someone who has been debating on dating, I can tell you it's never black and white with your feelings to date someone after a long term relationship break up. It's freaking hard deciding what we're feeling. So if you have any room left in your heart, leave some compassion for her. She thought she was ready but in reality she wasn't. That does not mean she didn't make a mistake. It's okay to be angry with her. Hell, I would be angry too. Just remember you did the right thing and focus on your own healing. You are quite the guy for being able to see all this and make the right choice.

 

Kudos to you my friend and keep that head held high

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[fred123]

i got a text from her last week saying this

 

"I am very sorry how things ended and how i made you feel. I dont condone my behaviour and feel woful for making you feel that way and hurting you. However it was not done intentionally . i did not decide to go out and be difficult and hurt you. Instead i had my guard up at the start. I stand by feeling things were intense when we were dating which is why i didnt do certain things. I have done them now because i am not in a position where i feel intense with someone. It may look from the outside intense however it is not because we are very relaxed and there dis no rush or urgency to do or say something.

 

Being with someone Jewish is very important to me. And even though i dint think it was, when i had a realisation of settling down and seeing people around me do the same with their jewish partners, i knew that i wanted and needed to do the same thing. I am not maing excuses however you come from a similar background and culture where you should be able to understand and so should your family. You cannot just say " well i can convert' it isn't as easy as that and it isn't quite the same."

 

 

was it my fault? was i intense? i barely saw her once a week and she texted me all the time. i called her most evenings but she was the one who would get pissed off if i didnt text her back or ignored her for a day. I dont get how it was intense. we barely did anything or saw each other. we just had sex in hotel rooms and met up for casual dinners.

was it intense when i asked her to come to my friends birthday?

maybe it was because i was frustrated that she put in no effort and i barely saw her thats why i was frustrated and had a go at her and maybe she felt pressured because of that.

[fred123]

Bump guys. X

[kidm]

You're not jewish. She wants to end up with a jewish man. It's very important to her. It's done. Trying to figure what whether you were intense or not does not matter.

[fred123]

i feel like iv done things wrong here. if she wanted someone jewish then why did she never tell me and why did we have a discussion when e were together and she said it was ok?

 

why did she never invite me to things and turn down invitations to my events? i just want to learn so i dont get hurt again. Woulndt you be hurt and upset if your partner treated you like that? made a mug out of you and made you feel humiliated?

 

i feel humiliated and a mug. I was with her 6 months and actually official bf and gf. Surely its reasonable for her to invite me to things? sorry i haven't been in a proper relationship before. And i was a good guy. i respected her beliefs and opinions and valued them. She was the type of person not to mention anything to anyone unless she was sure it was going somewhere and i thought now that we are official bf and gf she was sure. How can a guy she known for 2 months she want to show off to the world and they aren't even in a relationship and he could have disappeared after that. surely that goes against all her beliefs and the things she tiold me?

 

she specifically told me she didnt want people at her work to know her private life. yet she goes and takes this guy to a wedding of her work mates and shows him off. she used to tell me that she didnt want people asking her questions about us.

 

how do you think that makes me feel?! i feel like i have no sympathy on the board cos I'm a guy. i feel insecure as hell. i did everything for this person and never pushed her to do anything. i feel lied to and betrayed. she never wanted a pic of me or even asked for a pic of me together. and within 2 months she puts pics of her and this new guy everywhere and shows him around everywhere. I'm confused cos i listened and believed everything she told me.

 

what about the good guys who respect a girl and listen to them?!! they get lied to and ****ed over?!. is it any wonder why men cheat on women?

 

 

sorry just venting

[fred123]

Bump guys.sorry have lotts on my mind. Would love more opinions etc. And the questions in my head

[fred123]

is it fair to say that within 6 months you expect the person to invite you to social events and they come to yours?

 

if you haven't met their friends and they haven't met yours after 6 months is it a real relationship? is it really love?

[VeveCakes]

No it doesnt seem real if you haven't met their friends or gone to social events.

 

Are you exclusive? Did you have that talk? Do you sleep together? Met the family? Future talk? At 6 months this would be bare minimum.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I can't speak for your relationship or for others but if I'm dating someone that's been going on 6 months, it means we're both pretty invested in each other and in our relationship at this point. And that means we would include one another in social and family events. I don't date anyone that long just to keep it a secret between me, him and the four walls of my bedroom.

 

Have you asked him why he's not including you in these social events?

 

And it would depend on if you're exclusive or not. That could make all the difference at the end of the day.

[Mjm1014]

I've had this happen a few times over the years, one girl in particular wouldn't invite me to any socal get together or family events. I've found when a girl doesn't want to introduce you to people at that stage, there's usually a reason, and it almost always turns out badly...I would highly recommend having a talk with her, and if she makes excuses-run.

 

If a girl is interested in the least, she would be excited for you to meet people at this point. A few reasons why she isn't: doesn't see a future with you, is also dating another guy on the side, contemplating breaking up, or is very immature and is nervous (unlikely).

 

A girl I dated back in college was like that with me at the six month mark...she held a birthday party for herself and invited lots of friends...I could tell she didn't want to invite me, but I invited myself because at that point I had had it...she was distant while I was there and kept talking to her "guy friend." After another month of bs I broke up with her, come to find out they liked each other and had a thing-they started dating right after the break up and are still together 4 years later...it is what it is, but I kick myself for wasting time when all the signs were there that something was off. Not saying this is what's going on, just make sure you figure it out soon and don't let her yank you around

[fred123]

hi this was more of a generic thread. i already have written one about my story.

 

Vevecakes: we were exclusive and talked about the future and she claimed she didnt like doing coupley things and when i said id like to meet her friends she would freak out and say its a commitment thing and quite coupley and panics. and when i asked her to meet mine she would say she doesn't like meeting new people. i respected her. i assume she's that type of girl. her parents knew about me and so did her friends.

 

just find it strange that the new guy she is with within a month and a half she's putting pics on the internet and taking him to weddings. I'm shocked i thought she hated coulpley things? please give me some girl info lol. its bugging me still.

 

was i ugly to not be taken or invited anywhere? i just assumed she didnt invite guys she dates to things like that cos thats not the type of person she is

[kendahke]

is it fair to say that within 6 months you expect the person to invite you to social events and they come to yours?

 

if you haven't met their friends and they haven't met yours after 6 months is it a real relationship? is it really love?

 

I haven't been following your story, so I don't know the status of this relationship.

 

Within 6 months of meeting someone, no, I don't expect that. Within 6 months of us saying that we're in a committed relationship with one another, yes.

 

I've got a male friend who I've known for about 3 years now. We hang out just about every weekend, platonic (mutual choice--he's still dealing with resolving feelings surrounding his wife's death from cancer 6 years ago and isn't in a place to be who I need as a romantic partner) and I've yet to meet his grown son (he knows about me and is cool) and I have only met one of his friends. When I had my accident last year, right after it happened, he called me out of the blue to chat about the upcoming blizzard and rushed over to take me to the hospital and wait with me. I've done the same with him when he's been taken ill.

 

We're not committed, so I don't expect inclusion in that area of his life.

 

In my romantic relationships, after we've agreed that we're doing this, yes, I expect to be included in social situations as they arise.

Edited December 24, 2016 by kendahke

[JuneJulySeptember]

hi this was more of a generic thread. i already have written one about my story.

 

Vevecakes: we were exclusive and talked about the future and she claimed she didnt like doing coupley things and when i said id like to meet her friends she would freak out and say its a commitment thing and quite coupley and panics. and when i asked her to meet mine she would say she doesn't like meeting new people. i respected her. i assume she's that type of girl. her parents knew about me and so did her friends.

 

just find it strange that the new guy she is with within a month and a half she's putting pics on the internet and taking him to weddings. I'm shocked i thought she hated coulpley things? please give me some girl info lol. its bugging me still.

 

was i ugly to not be taken or invited anywhere? i just assumed she didnt invite guys she dates to things like that cos thats not the type of person she is

 

I had something similar to that happen.

 

I was dating a woman and she would have sex with me and make out me in public, but when I met her parents, she didn't introduce me as her BF and neither with her friends, though they knew as much.

 

She would go out of her way to NOT accompany me to things like my best bud's wedding or holidays with the family.

 

To me, it means quite simply she's embarrassed of you in one way or the other. You bring enough joy into her life that she's willing to spend time with you, but you don't bring enough to the table where she's comfortable introducing you as a boyfriend to society.

 

Not only do I feel there's no serious potential there, I feel it's crappy, selfish behavior and is indicative of somebody who lets social status control their life behavior. If you are embarrassed of somebody, don't date them.

 

As a counter-example, I dated a woman who was in her early 30s with three kids and the majority of my social circle at the time was early 30s yuppies who went to NYU or dental school or worked in banking or crap like that and still had no kids.

 

And I had no problems telling anybody. Introduced her to my friends, told my parents.

[fred123]

Its in the breaking up thread my story

[leogirl876]

is it fair to say that within 6 months you expect the person to invite you to social events and they come to yours?

 

if you haven't met their friends and they haven't met yours after 6 months is it a real relationship? is it really love?

 

No, it's not a relationship and it's not love. This person doesn't see a future with you, either you're passing time along until someone else comes along or there's another person in the picture. If I'm seeing someone on a regular basis like a couple times per week, sleeping with that person, etc and if at 3 months I haven't met people in their life, at minimum their friends, I'm moving on and not wasting my time. Some people are fine with being a time waster, I'm not. So you should decide what you want. It seems there's always one person that wants more than the other. I had the same thing happen to me, was seeing this guy for 3 months, seeing each other a couple times per week but never incorporated me in other parts of his life. I realized he was just wasting my time, and then saw he was still on OLD and changed his match preferences. He's 54 and was looking for women 25-35, and I'm 40. Yeah, buh-bye!!!!

 

So you need to decide what you're ok with and what you will allow into your life. If you're not ok with the terms and conditions this person is bringing, then you need to cut them out!

[Gaeta]

hi this was more of a generic thread. i already have written one about my story.

 

Vevecakes: we were exclusive and talked about the future and she claimed she didnt like doing coupley things and when i said id like to meet her friends she would freak out and say its a commitment thing and quite coupley and panics. and when i asked her to meet mine she would say she doesn't like meeting new people. i respected her. i assume she's that type of girl. her parents knew about me and so did her friends.

 

just find it strange that the new guy she is with within a month and a half she's putting pics on the internet and taking him to weddings. I'm shocked i thought she hated coulpley things? please give me some girl info lol. its bugging me still.

 

was i ugly to not be taken or invited anywhere? i just assumed she didnt invite guys she dates to things like that cos thats not the type of person she is

 

 

She just didn't feel it with you.

 

My daughter (29) has been dating a guy for 3 months. He has asked her to meet me, meet her friends, and she said no to all of his requests because she doesn't feel he is the right guy for her. She kept dating him for 3 months hoping she would develop feelings for him because he's a good guy but her feelings never developed so she will break up with him this week.

 

It's just that, you were not the right guy or her.