One year later and still no trust

[oldshirt]

People are not entitled to trust, forgiveness or wreckonciiation when they cheat.

 

Many times the BS simply doesn't have it in them to continue the relationship and they should feel pressured to do so.

[Mr. Lucky]

What if I had a terrible disease, but it was miraculously cured and I could not get this disease again. Would I want to know?

 

A more fitting analogy would be "What if I had a terrible disease, but it was miraculously cured and there were things I could do to lessen my chance of getting this disease again?"

 

The OP has choices ranging from ending her marriage to rebuilding trust. None of the options would be available to her absent knowledge of the "disease"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

People are not entitled to trust, forgiveness or wreckonciiation when they cheat.

 

Many times the BS simply doesn't have it in them to continue the relationship and they should feel pressured to do so.

 

Major typo: that should read, the BS should NOT feel pressured to forgive and continue the relationship.

 

WSs are not automatically entitled to trust and forgiveness.

[ShatteredLady]

I describe myself as a hapless romantic. I don't think that's a bad thing! I remember when I was much younger overhearing a conversation that the older generation of my family was having about me. My Dad said, "She has always had her head in the clouds AND her feet planted firmly on the ground!". The others agreed that it was a perfect description of me.

 

I don't believe in rainbows & unicorns but I have always had faith in love & commitment. I've been married for 20 years & always adored our 'love story'. We aren't perfect but I believed that we were bloody good together until, like you, I discovered his betrayals. It completely floored me! It made everything a lie to me.

 

I HATE it when I'm told that it's kind of a good thing that I've been subjected to 'reality'. That life isn't how I expected it to be. That you shouldn't trust 100%. WHY NOT? I know plenty of people, including my parents, who have always shared everything & NEVER experienced betrayal of any kind. Yes! People make mistakes but in my idea of the world that's fine. They talk about it & they're honest about their motivation all the way along.

 

My ideal close friendships are like my ideals in marriage. Honesty, communication, empathy & all that good stuff is part of many people's lives. Remember that this is an infidelity forum. Adultery fundamentally changes people. We are all cynical here because we have been betrayed & broken. Many make it through life with their faith, trust & hearts complete!! We here don't.

 

Everyone does NOT lie & cheat!

 

It sounds like your husband is trying to recreate the ideal in relationships that I hold. It's about absolute honesty. When I think of love I picture someone who knows me completely warts & all AND still loves me completely. Your husband could of kept his secrets to himself but your marriage would of been a mirage. It could never of been a bond of equals who knew EVERYTHING & loved each other regardless. He took a monumental risk in telling you. It must of taken such courage!!

 

My husband never told me the truth. I don't think that I will ever be able to get over that. Of course in a perfect world he would never of betrayed me but he did. I feel like I still live with a stranger. I'm waiting with bated breath for him to suddenly turn cold & cruel again. He is making no attempt to heal me. He's too guilty or proud or what ever it is to lay himself bare. I'm too guarded to truly show myself to him anymore. We are broken beyond repair.

 

I do understand how you are feeling. I say the same thing about the opportunities I've missed out on. The absolute agony is indescribable. I loath what he has done to me. I've lost so much of who I was & what we were. He has destroyed our love story....

 

Your husband seems to be doing everything he can to create a new love story. It's not perfect & never will be. You can't live in the clouds but it could be pretty good down on the ground with the new him. I'd give him a chance.

 

He could of easily kept you in the dark but he clearly wants an honest, warts & all kind of love with you. Can you forgive? Can you ever trust again? Can you accept your new reality? Only you know the answers...

[LargoLagg]

I guess I don't understand what you are asking. Are you asking why I stayed? I didn't find out about anything until a year ago. I honestly stayed because I love him and he is so remorseful. He is being so good to me now that I want it to work.

I struggle with staying though because I am afraid this is temporary and he will fall back to his old ways. I have entertained the idea of moving on and finding someone else. I am in my mid 30s, I'm fit, and I have a good career. I could support myself and my kids easily. I feel I would be able to move on and find someone else relatively easily . Part of me wants to do this and punish him. Part of me thinks I should move on now before I get too old to find someone else. The jaded part of me says all men are cheating scumbags and I will just be trading one for another.

No, I'm not asking you why. I think that based on your story, there are plenty of practical reasons to lean that way.

 

For example, for Ms. Adams, she was all about self-determination. Sort of, "I'd rather choose to be miserable and informed over happy and clueless." Which is fine, but I still wonder why.

 

Here's a way to think about what I'm asking.

 

You said that at some point, after his epiphany but before he told you, he started acting like a better husband, and that lasted for a year before he let the cat out of the bag. So, during that year, I have to imagine you were probably pretty happy. Ignorant, but happy. Then he ruined that for you with his confession. You can't enjoy that the way you did for that one year.

 

I don't know if he's going to cheat again either. But something in the way that he is approaching this tells me that if he's tempted again, he's just going to come out and tell you. So, given that, that he's regained his integrity, are you happy you know? Or would you rather be in that state of blissful ignorance?

 

I can see both sides, and maybe the answer will help you with your own situation. I don't know.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No, I'm not asking you why. I think that based on your story, there are plenty of practical reasons to lean that way.

 

For example, for Ms. Adams, she was all about self-determination. Sort of, "I'd rather choose to be miserable and informed over happy and clueless." Which is fine, but I still wonder why.

 

Here's a way to think about what I'm asking.

 

You said that at some point, after his epiphany but before he told you, he started acting like a better husband, and that lasted for a year before he let the cat out of the bag. So, during that year, I have to imagine you were probably pretty happy. Ignorant, but happy. Then he ruined that for you with his confession. You can't enjoy that the way you did for that one year.

 

I don't know if he's going to cheat again either. But something in the way that he is approaching this tells me that if he's tempted again, he's just going to come out and tell you. So, given that, that he's regained his integrity, are you happy you know? Or would you rather be in that state of blissful ignorance?

 

I can see both sides, and maybe the answer will help you with your own situation. I don't know.

 

Let me address something for you...

 

I cheated on my husband...and i could have taken it to my grave and he would never have known. There have been many times over the past 33 years that i have thought about should i have told him or not.

 

This is not a new argument...it has been debated here over and over again. Some say...if i keep my mouth shut it saves my spouse the hurt of knowing. Some say...it isn't fair to keep the secret...you are only protecting yourself.

and it can certainly be viewed both ways.

 

Reality is...each couple...each person...has to choose the path in dealing with infidelity that is the right one for them.

 

There are pros and cons either way...telling...not telling.

 

When I confessed...I said to my husband...I will leave and ask for nothing...I want you to do what is best for you. He said...I want you to stay. I did....

 

I am the kind of person that needed to tell him. For me it was the right decision.

 

Two years later...he had a revenge affair. He too could have taken it to his grave and i would never have known...but he told me. Do I wish he had not told me? No....while it may have saved me the hurt....it also gave me a closer look at exactly what i had done to him. His affair was not the right answer....but telling me certainly was.

 

I also feel that he would say the same thing....but he is here and can comment himself if he chooses to.

 

I don't want to live in a lie...one that I am living or one that someone else has chosen for me. Is it the right answer for everybody? Probably not. And the reality is ...its too late now. We cannot undo the infidelity...and we cannot undo the way we handled it. That's one of the saddest parts of infidelity ....

 

we all want it to have never happened in the first place.

[NTV]

Have you considered a postnup?