[wayward husband remaining at] the Job after an Affair?

[Deeplyhurt30]

Has anyone on here allowed the spouse to remain at the job after an affair? The affair has been exposed to all sides. My husband is wanting me to consider him staying at his job?

[katielee]

I really think the WS should be in the frame of mind of doing anything to save the marriage, including leaving the job.

[aileD]

I really think the WS should be in the frame of mind of doing anything to save the marriage, including leaving the job.

 

Agree. If she still works there you will never have try no contact and affairs are notorious for starting up again because NC is not held

 

That said not everyone can leave right away but he should be looking. It's a serious step in making sure the marriage survives

 

My H xOW doesn't work there anymore but he stayed. But here are still triggers all around and he can't wait to get out of there

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree that the WS should be willing to do whatever the bs needs them to do....

 

However....they also both have to be aware enough to know what to ask for.

 

When I had my affair....I had gone back to school. I continued going to the same school where the AP was...though i had no contact with him. I really never even thought about not going back to school and my husband never asked me to stop going.

 

Then my husband also had his revenge affair while going to school...he too continued going to the same school but had no contact with the OW.

 

Neither of us asked the other to stop going to school....and I am not sure what our reactions would have been at the time if we had asked each other to do so.

 

My point is...perhaps all you need is to ask and if he is willing ...it might be all you need and you don't really need for him to change jobs.

 

What one person needs is not necessarily the right answer for you....and only you know your fears.

[mikeylo]

I've not been either side of affair but I guess yes, jobs should be changed, no matter what.

 

If there is reconciliation in process, there has to be 100% NC and its not possible when they still see each other everyday,from morning till evening. As it is, the atmosphere at home is stressful, so the first person the WS sees is the OM/OW to get the high again.

 

This should be THE first step.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I've not been either side of affair but I guess yes, jobs should be changed, no matter what.

 

If there is reconciliation in process, there has to be 100% NC and its not possible when they still see each other everyday,from morning till evening. As it is, the atmosphere at home is stressful, so the first person the WS sees is the OM/OW to get the high again.

 

This should be THE first step.

 

unless of course they DON'T see each other everyday from morning till evening.I don't know the back story here to make the assumption that the husband and the ow worked that closely together.

 

You can of course work in the same company or even in the same building without seeing each other or speaking to each other or having contact with each other....and quite honestly...seeing the other person does not automatically generate "the high". Circumstances can be very different in each case of infidelity.

 

If this op is comfortable with them working together...then it does not necessarily have to be the first step toward reconciliation.

 

Like I said...this is about her and what she needs....and his willingness to do what is best for their relationship.

[eye of the storm]

In this economy, I would not force my WS to instantly quit. But I would demand a constant and aggressive job search. And they would be required to take the first equitable job offer they got.

 

I would hate to see my WS go to work every day in the place where they had an A. I don't know how you would heal with that ax hanging over my head.

 

If my spouse was trying to R after the A, I would think they would understand and agree to it. If they are just going thru the motions till I "got over it" then they would probably try to cling to the current job.

 

Of course, this is just my opinion

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband is wanting me to consider him staying at his job?

 

NC is far and away the most important thing after an affair. You don't say specifically but I'm assuming the relationship was with a fellow employee. With him staying at his job, avoiding her isn't feasible.

 

So not just "no" but "hell, no"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

It is a must for the WS to leave their job if the AP was co-worker.

 

 

Now in a large metropolitan area as NYC and it's suburbs some police depts. pay $140,000 plus OT, lots of OT if the employee wants it. Fire $90,000 base plus OT. Half pay after 2o years. If you put in enough OT to double their last year salary and then get a pension of $140,000 instead of $70,000. Health insurance as good as the governor or the president.

 

 

These jobs are hard to get and after certain age you are to old to be hired. So for those WS that has this type of job once he resigns he may never get another job half as good because he had an affair.

 

 

Who has a link of Arnold saying: that's collateral damage. Everything has consequences. One cannot complain that they have to pay the restaurant bill after he eats the food.

[harrybrown]

how would he feel if you had the A at work, would he want you to work with your AP?

 

I do not think he would like that at all.

 

how did you find out?

[NTV]

There were a lot of things I wanted from my ww that I had to prod her to get. Not a good feeling. I wanted her to go above and beyond but I think what I wanted wasn't always humanly possible. Or maybe she just wasn't as interested in saving the marriage as I want to look back on. I don't know.

I don't know if you approached him about it as something you want or how easy it is to shift jobs in your local and his career field or what else you have him working on to 'save the marriage'. These should all be considerations. Still, if it happened at work I would definitely trigger bad about it too.

 

My wife went the Ashley Madison route. Every time she's on her phone or the computer it was like looking down a cliff from the top ledge.

 

It's hard. Either stress and trigger or give up and stop caring. Guess which one is better for staying married lol? Only you know if it's a battle worth fighting. And only you know what it's like for him to go above and beyond.

 

All I can really say is that your feelings are valid here.

[JohnAdams]

I think he should leave his job. He has to support the family, but, if the affair partner is at his work, he should do everything to hasten his exit. One of the many mistakes we made was to not immediately leave the school where the affair occurred. It is a major mistake to stay in the vicinity of the affair partner.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I will add...it was a mistake because of peace of mind and healing. It was not because no contact was broken. I agree that removing yourself as far as possible from the AP is the best thing to do...and in hind sight I certainly should have quit school but the truth is I was not a remorseful wayward...I was still in a very selfish mode....and i was close to graduating and wanted to finish. I even said to my husband ...I will do anything you ask of me except quit school. He did not ask. But now looking back...I see how very selfish and cruel that was to him.

 

But It is also not always possible for people to up and quit a job....and each couple must decide what is best for them.

 

I certainly could have quit school much easier than a man who supports his family could quit his job.

 

OP...his asking you to reconsider could be his fear of finances. It would be better for you emotionally if he removed himself from the situation....but it does not have to mean he will break no contact.

 

You should be honest with him how you feel about it....he may be waiting for your lead.

[BetrayedH]

My wife worked for a company large enough that a transfer for one of them would have been sufficient for me. I gave her 90 days for one of them to transfer away from the other.

 

I lost my fool mind about half way through the 90 days and I wasn't in good shape to start with.

 

My opinion is that it's too much to ask of yourself.

 

The onus should be on your wayward spouse to fix this if he wants the gift of reconciliation. The onus isn't on you to endure daily (sometimes minute-to-minute) thoughts about them being together.

[Midwestmissy]

It takes a toll on the marriage. The ow stayed (wh was suddenly terrified that she'd sue, plus keeping her around allowed him to say, "see? No big deal, not a typical affair, minimize, minimize...") and she didn't like not winning, so the propositions continued. The overly familiar email, texts, all unprofessional. I kept forwarding them to her bh. Suddenly this really great awesome friend was the biggest threat to my husband, she had been so kind and not judgemental, and so easy... he said she had to stay because she couldn't be trusted. Her name on the caller ID every day. I thought I was going to lose my mind. My mil (family business) wanted the ow to stay, because history. Cheating is really mind boggling. The biggest mistake I made in this whole process was not immediately filing for divorce. I kept thinking wh would do the right thing and stand up for his family, but it was a long slow skid. It's when the conflict avoidant side of him totally became obvious to me. It took 9 months to get rid of her - I still can't believe she wanted to stay, frankly, or that her husband was fine with the whole set up, but man were they furious when she was let go. Yet they never involved a lawyer, just signed and walked. And she had to take 2 low paying jobs, since she had a horrible reputation and her coworkers didn't trust her. She really hurt her family financially -4 kids! She rolled the dice for a big payout (my wh) and lost it all. Plus not thinking that the wh was actually the pay out for me and the kids after 20 yrs of marriage. It was a lousy plan from the get go.

 

I wish I had told wh to leave on dday and that we could be in touch again when the ow was removed from our lives completely. But the shock kept me from acting. Now I live several hundred miles away, and that helps a lot. Wh commutes, and I'm safely far away with the kids, living the life I want. But she's still poking around, and it's been over 2 years. Pretty sure this is her MO, maybe excusable at 20ish, but getting a bit gross at 50.

[Deeplyhurt30]

how would he feel if you had the A at work, would he want you to work with your AP?

 

I do not think he would like that at all.

 

how did you find out?

 

 

 

My husband confessed everything to me on his own. The part that has been hard is that he waited almost 2 years to tell me about it. He told me it was because he was afraid to lose me and our family.

[Midwestmissy]

My husband confessed everything to me on his own. The part that has been hard is that he waited almost 2 years to tell me about it. He told me it was because he was afraid to lose me and our family.

 

Sounds very similar to my story. Very similar. Wouldn't it be great if people just started with truth since that's where it's going to end up anyway? Wh was afraid of consequences: If I dont tell, there won't be consequences, if there aren't consequences, it's because it wasn't so bad, and if it wasn't so bad, it means I'm a great guy who did nothing wrong, and all is well in my world. Nowhere in there is the wellbeing of the spouse and kids.

[katielee]

speaking as a fWW, I would have quit my job immediately, had he asked.

[wmacbride]

I have a slightly different opinion than most on this.

 

In my opinion, if there are valid reasons why a WS who cheated with a co-worker needs to stay at a job, then he or she should do so.

 

Mine did.

 

At first, I hated the situation, but after some thought, I realized that is he was going to cheat, then it didn't matter where he worked. he could easily contact her again, or simply find someone else. If simply bumping in to her at work or being around her in the shop was enough to start the A up again, then our marriage was doomed anyway.

 

 

Mind you, our situation was different than a lot of people's, and what worked for us may not be what would work for someone else.

[waterwoman]

My husband did. She was his TA in school. There was about 5 weeks where they were is the same room all day and then the summer holiday started. After the holiday she transferred to another area of the school.

 

Could I have insisted that he leave? Maybe but it wasn't just him that would have been affected by that. His job was ideal - 100 yards from home so no commuting expenses, we had moved to our house partly because it was close to work for him and school for our three children (he works at the special school attached to the secondary school). We would have been worse off financially, thee kids would have had to come to an empty house everyday and my autistic son would have lost the reassurance of having dad next door if it all got too much. There simply wasn't another post that could have ticked all those boxes.

 

The first 5 weeks were hard but as both him and I were still in a kind of shock I felt fairly certain he'd keep away from her, and she was so scared I'd tell her H I guessed she's keep away too!

 

After a year she left the school completely.

[Mrs. John Adams]

speaking as a fWW, I would have quit my job immediately, had he asked.

 

So would i....

 

The point my husband was trying to make was...he wanted me to volunteer and do it because i was thinking of him and not myself...and I did the opposite. I said I will do anything except quit school.

 

When we are fresh out of DDAY...we don't know all of the right answers offered on forums. I had no idea what my continuing to school said to him. I do now....

 

The correct answer would have been to quite school immediately....on my own without his ASKING me to. I did a whole lot of things wrong...I know that now...but I certainly did not know that then.

 

Wmacbride....I agree with you. No longer Working with....no longer going to school with....the ap...only gives peace of mind to the betrayed because they think that the distance will keep the wayward and the AP apart....in reality...if they want to be together...they will find a way.

 

I continued to school...and I avoided the AP....I saw him once from a distance though he did not see me. I made it a point to not be near him....

Now having said that...It was not required that I see him on a daily basis or work closely with him. I was not in his class or even near that building any longer.

 

The op here does not give us details about her husbands job and the AP...so we don't know how closely they work together. Ideally...her husband would volunteer to change jobs to prove to her that he is serious about this reconciliation....and like Betrayed husband said...it is up to the wayward to do the heavy lifting.

 

But we don't live in an ideal world....and there are very few perfect reconciliations...we stumble through the best we know how only to read many years later that we did it all wrong.

[understand50]

Deeplyhurt30,

 

I know this is painful, but the question on whether your husband should stay at his job, is one for both of you to make. economically it maybe such, that you both would suffer hardship, or disaster if he left and could not replace the income. In Many case, leaving school, is not the same impact, yes you lose money from having to take the class again, but it is not going to impact keeping your house, or such.

 

So my advise, is to look at all sides and decide what is best for you, your marriage and then your husband. In that order. There are "rules" but the need to be applied with some thought. If you are sure the affair is over, and the AP has as much to lose as your husband if it starts up, maybe he can stay, or may be he needs to start looking with an eye to moving on. Again, what is best for you. Do not do something just because, it is the thing that is supposed to be done.

 

I know you want to reconcile. If it would cause great finical hardship, leaving his job may not be the best thing. I do not think you would like to have been in our situation, where we both could have used IC, and MC, but the cost put it out of reach. Having a steady income can help recompilation, and loss can be the final nail. Having said that, I am not saying he should not leave his job, just as in all things, its complicated. The bottom line, is that you should do what is best for you, and your relationship. What's your goal? Everything should be in the best interest of reaching that goal, be it divorce, or reconciliation.

 

I wish you luck...

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would like to clarify something for the sake of honesty about my story... for those of you who know our story.

 

I confessed there was another man to John thanksgiving weekend... but I did not give to him details about it until he asked me a couple of weeks later. I was still in class with the ap and would continue to be so until semesters end the second week of December.

 

I went back to school in January through may and it is this time frame I am speaking of when I Say there was no contact .

 

Understand50 thank you for pointing this out to me so I could clarify it.

 

Sorry to be off subject but I wanted to take away any doubt

[Deeplyhurt30]

my husband has actually just hired someone who will start working along with him next week. his plan is to let this new guy handle anything to do with her. he asked me if it becomes necessary for him to help her (he is the I.T. manager over the entire office, so anything to do with computer related issues) if i would be ok with him helping her over the phone but keeping it strictly professional. they are now in seperate buildings but there are instances when they pass each other in the hallway or when he has to walk over to the other building to work with the CEO she is at the front window.

 

 

In the past the affair actually began by them talking and him helping her with computer related issues. they also had to work on the company website together.

 

its alot of trust....i know....he tells me because i have outed her to her spouse that she completely acts like she hates him (doesnt even look at or talk to at all) he does the same.

 

thoughts?

[Mrs. John Adams]

my husband has actually just hired someone who will start working along with him next week. his plan is to let this new guy handle anything to do with her. he asked me if it becomes necessary for him to help her (he is the I.T. manager over the entire office, so anything to do with computer related issues) if i would be ok with him helping her over the phone but keeping it strictly professional. they are now in seperate buildings but there are instances when they pass each other in the hallway or when he has to walk over to the other building to work with the CEO she is at the front window.

 

 

In the past the affair actually began by them talking and him helping her with computer related issues. they also had to work on the company website together.

 

its alot of trust....i know....he tells me because i have outed her to her spouse that she completely acts like she hates him (doesnt even look at or talk to at all) he does the same.

 

thoughts?

 

But didn't he have this affair with her 2 years ago? So he has worked with her for the past two years without your knowledge of the affair? Or have i misunderstood?

 

It sounds like he is being honest...but only you know what you can tolerate.