[wayward husband remaining at] the Job after an Affair?

[NTV]

I think that's a very good bandaid but not the end solution. But could be her husband is working on getting her to change jobs too.... idk. Are you guys able to just move out of the state?

[Deeplyhurt30]

yes he tells me the affair was two years ago, but he has just now began the no contact phase after telling me of the affair. there were times when i would go up there and she would talk to him infront of me (joke with him ) when i would ask him about certain things during the gap-he would deny and make me feel like i was making something into something it wasnt.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I think that's a very good bandaid but not the end solution. But could be her husband is working on getting her to change jobs too.... idk. Are you guys able to just move out of the state?

 

my husband seems to think that her spouse might try to get her to change jobs, but we are both really unsure. he has not spoken to her since admitting the affair to me and me letting her spouse know. That was last week.

[ladydesigner]

If you can handle him working with his xAP then that is one thing. If you cannot then he has got to go! I gave my stbxwh 1 day to get rid of MOW (she worked for him). He got rid of her but still took the A underground so it's not always foolproof.

[MidnightBlue1980]

my husband seems to think that her spouse might try to get her to change jobs, but we are both really unsure. he has not spoken to her since admitting the affair to me and me letting her spouse know. That was last week.

 

I would want to know, why now, after two years? So the A happened two years ago and he just told you and you told her husband?

 

Something is off. Generally in these situations, people let sleeping dogs lie. I would want to know why he decided to tell you now. He told you for a reason, why was it?

 

I'm a FWW, so I know about these things.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I would want to know, why now, after two years? So the A happened two years ago and he just told you and you told her husband?

 

Something is off. Generally in these situations, people let sleeping dogs lie. I would want to know why he decided to tell you now. He told you for a reason, why was it?

 

I'm a FWW, so I know about these things.

 

 

 

 

Midnightblue1980, he told me there have been several instances in the past where he came so close to telling me sooner- (the last two years i felt i knew something and we would argue about things involving his work) ....he did just tell me also that the other two co workers who were also having an affair were in the process of possible exposure at work, so that helped push him more to telling me--he said he didnt want me to hear it from anyone but him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnightblue1980, he told me there have been several instances in the past where he came so close to telling me sooner- (the last two years i felt i knew something and we would argue about things involving his work) ....he did just tell me also that the other two co workers who were also having an affair were in the process of possible exposure at work, so that helped push him more to telling me--he said he didnt want me to hear it from anyone but him.

 

I just looked at your other thread and posts. This changes my opinion a bit. It sounds like this was a revenge affair on his part and the OW was someone 10 years older than you (however you are 30, I do not consider 40 to be "old" )

 

If it was someone he just picked because he wanted to get you back, there is a better chance of it really being over. I know this because I lived this. It is not the same as the grand passionate love affair.

 

I am kind of surprised you told the woman's husband though. But I guess that is a different topic for a different thread.

 

IMHO it sounds like you have some bigger issues here than whether or not the OW is out of the picture (I suspect she is now). More importantly, is your husband over your own past? Is he going to do this again to get you back? Or is it complete?

[LifesontheUp]

I get that the usual advice in these situations is that one or other has to move/change jobs. But in all honesty I really don't know why - because if they want to contact each other they will do it no matter what.

 

In my case the xH remained at his job, so did I and the OW. We all worked in the same office. He wanted to reconcile and I did try in the first few months, but realised it wasn't working for me. At no point was my decision to divorce anything to do with his OW being in the same office. I saw evidence he had blocked her via phone/email etc. Once me xH said they were done, they were done.

 

Basically, I think it all comes down to your own personal circumstances, your wayward and what you feel more comfortable with.

[road]

I get that the usual advice in these situations is that one or other has to move/change jobs. But in all honesty I really don't know why - because if they want to contact each other they will do it no matter what.

 

In my case the xH remained at his job, so did I and the OW. We all worked in the same office. He wanted to reconcile and I did try in the first few months, but realised it wasn't working for me. At no point was my decision to divorce anything to do with his OW being in the same office. I saw evidence he had blocked her via phone/email etc. Once me xH said they were done, they were done.

 

Basically, I think it all comes down to your own personal circumstances, your wayward and what you feel more comfortable with.

 

Seeing the OW everyday prevented you from leaving the affair in the past.

Seeing OW and WH not suffering any consequences gave you more incentive to not want to forgive your WH.

 

 

Do you still work there now?

[BetrayedH]

If you can handle him working with his xAP then that is one thing. If you cannot then he has got to go!

 

This is what I believe, too. If it's not driving you insane and you think you can manage without it being dramatic for you, then great. Maybe you can try. My opinion on your situation is heavily influenced by your husband's voluntary confession. In my view, absolutely nothing speaks to true remorse than that. It tells me that he learned an important lesson and had the courage to suffer the consequences for his admittedly poor actions. That's someone who may really deserve any forgiveness that they're offered. And it would go a long way towards reestablishing trust. That's not the only issue to resolve after an affair, but it's a big one. If you can begin to trust what he says now and that trust is consistently rebuilt (through transparency, openness, and honesty), then perhaps this is manageable.

 

For me personally, I spent all day wondering if the OM had my wife bent over his desk while I continued to play the fool. As I said before, I lost my fool mind. I really don't think you should suffer that and it can be a real hindrance for your reconciliation, perhaps even compromising it. I suspect your H would rather lose the job than lose you. But I'm not happy he's left you in this position to decide. He should have the guts to do it on his own. He created the mess. He can fix it.

[LifesontheUp]

Seeing the OW everyday prevented you from leaving the affair in the past.

 

Not sure what you mean by this. I decided to divorce, (within 6 months) didn't want to be with someone I didn't love or did what he did to me. The affair is long behind, in fact he ended it within 2 weeks of my finding out.

 

Seeing OW and WH not suffering any consequences gave you more incentive to not want to forgive your WH.

 

I saw plenty of consequences for xH, he moved into a bedsit and spent months begging me to take him back. I moved on and divorced him and to this day on the occasions I have seen him, he still tells me he regrets what he did and lost the best thing in his life.

 

 

Do you still work there now?

 

Yes I do still work in the same place but do not see OW or xH very often.

 

My point is that I believe that there are plenty of ex affair partners who still work in close proximity to each other. Some may have had their affairs found out, others may not. However, it doesn't mean they are still active in their affair. People who want to remain in an affair will do so whether they work together or not. I think its up to the betrayed to decide what they want their wayward to do.

[katielee]

My point is that I believe that there are plenty of ex affair partners who still work in close proximity to each other. Some may have had their affairs found out, others may not. However, it doesn't mean they are still active in their affair. People who want to remain in an affair will do so whether they work together or not. I think its up to the betrayed to decide what they want their wayward to do.

 

 

When the wayward works in close proximity to the AP it causes a great amount of anxiety for the BS. I think the BS probably should be done with any extra undue anxiety. Unless you are stone broke or have mouths to feed on this one income, then I think it should be imperative that the WS leaves that employment.

Of course I say this as someone who doesn't need the money whose husband works in close proximity to one of the OW. The only reason this is reasonably ok with me (not really I b i t c h about it here a lot) is that I did it first and I'm giving him a concession, among many.

[Mrs. John Adams]

When the wayward works in close proximity to the AP it causes a great amount of anxiety for the BS. I think the BS probably should be done with any extra undue anxiety. Unless you are stone broke or have mouths to feed on this one income, then I think it should be imperative that the WS leaves that employment.

Of course I say this as someone who doesn't need the money whose husband works in close proximity to one of the OW. The only reason this is reasonably ok with me (not really I b i t c h about it here a lot) is that I did it first and I'm giving him a concession, among many.

 

and while I agree with you that leaving the job is probably best...it really is up to the couple to decide what they can deal with.

 

and I think many here are trying to say this very thing. Just because I may believe that her husband should leave the job...doesn't mean it is the best answer for them.

 

You have been able to continue in reconciliation without your husband leaving his job. We were able to continue in reconciliation without my leaving school.

 

Would healing have come faster for us had we chosen a different path? Maybe...but we certainly can't undo it now...and hindsight is always 20/20.

 

This op has to be honest with her husband and tell him how she feels and then the two of them decide how to proceed.

[understand50]

I agree, what should be done, has to be balanced by what can be done, and if the WS can give the BS enough of a sense of trust to keep the marriage. I can by experience, state that having money problems on top of infidelity and trust issues really sucks. Having some income, really provides options for both WS and BS. It is the effort put fourth, by both, that will decide if a couple can reconcile. Deeplyhurt30, let's turn this around. Is the effort, by your husband, in trying to rebuild the marriage, sufficient enough for you to go on and reconcile? It may not be perfect, but is it working?

 

I wish you luck.....

[katielee]

OP - is him working with her causing you anxiety? Does he know this if it does? Can you guys afford for him to look elsewhere? Would it cause a great disruption in your life?

Figure out what causes the least amount of disruption and stress in your life and move towards that.

[road]

My point is that I believe that there are plenty of ex affair partners who still work in close proximity to each other. Some may have had their affairs found out, others may not. However, it doesn't mean they are still active in their affair. People who want to remain in an affair will do so whether they work together or not. I think its up to the betrayed to decide what they want their wayward to do.

 

 

 

Thing is some may be able to not restart their affair when there is still contact. However I have seen too many affairs restart because NC was not put in place after the affair.

 

 

Affairs cause addictive brain chemistry. Contact with the AP causes the WS's brain to feel the need to get that high back thus they restart the affair. Just the way an alcoholic cannot go to bars because it just stirs the addictive feelings and he graves the alcohol again and drinks.

 

 

Saying that a job is more important then a marriage shows that one is not relationship material.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thing is some may be able to not restart their affair when there is still contact. However I have seen too many affairs restart because NC was not put in place after the affair.

 

 

Affairs cause addictive brain chemistry. Contact with the AP causes the WS's brain to feel the need to get that high back thus they restart the affair. Just the way an alcoholic cannot go to bars because it just stirs the addictive feelings and he graves the alcohol again and drinks.

 

 

Saying that a job is more important then a marriage shows that one is not relationship material.

 

In your own relationship this might be true...but I find it really interesting that people who never cheated know all about how a cheater feels and How their brain chemistry works.

 

Funny.., I never once tried to contact the ap not one single time...I did not need some kind of high or alcoholic addiction.

 

I am not saying I did things the right way but for heavens sake ..the op is smart enough to figure out what she can or cannot tolerate.

 

I would be interested.. how many people do you know personally this has happened to or are we just projecting the stuff we read on forums...

 

I don't know anybody this has happened to in real life...

 

A job is never more important than a marital relationship... tell that to the millions of people who choose their jobs over the best interests of their families on a daily basis... without infidelity.

 

I will repeat what is your right answer is not always the right answer for everybody else.

 

While I do believe it would have been best had I quit school... we made it through regardless.

[katielee]

How road explains is how I felt and probably how the many books I've read on infidelity explained it would go. It's kind of standard MO, according to therapists, although I'm sure some feel and do it differently, as it happened in the Adams' case.

Eliminating contact is so the WS can defog. Generally, the feelings associated with the affair partner will diminish if there is no exposure. At that time the WS can see with more clarity how screwed up their decisions have been. Eliminating the drug, so to speak.

[Hummingbird29]

I am a the single other woman in an affair with a MM who is also a coworker. It has been going on for two years. Not proud of this at all by the way I know this is the infidelity forum. I rarely post but this one stood out to me. His BW has found out about our affair four times. 4 DDays. My MM makes a very high salary and I do as well. Neither of us want to leave the job. He has told his BS every time she catches us That him and I are over. All lies. We spend most of the day working side by side, and have lunch every day. I have 'broken up' with him several times but once we see each other Mondays at work BOOM it's back on. I always ask him why his wife lets him stay at the job. With me there. Spending all this time both during and after work with him. People here are right. It rarely stops if it's in such close proximity. I would tell your husband to find another job ASAP. I feel pretty certain if I didn't see my MM I could be done. It's a true addiction. And I know mine tells his BS it's over. But it has never been over. I hope your husband quits for your sake. I know my affair won't end until one of us leaves the job. Close proximity is the kryptonite to an affair. Good luck...

[road]

I am a the single other woman in an affair with a MM who is also a coworker. It has been going on for two years. Not proud of this at all by the way I know this is the infidelity forum. I rarely post but this one stood out to me. His BW has found out about our affair four times. 4 DDays. My MM makes a very high salary and I do as well. Neither of us want to leave the job. He has told his BS every time she catches us That him and I are over. All lies. We spend most of the day working side by side, and have lunch every day. I have 'broken up' with him several times but once we see each other Mondays at work BOOM it's back on. I always ask him why his wife lets him stay at the job. With me there. Spending all this time both during and after work with him. People here are right. It rarely stops if it's in such close proximity. I would tell your husband to find another job ASAP. I feel pretty certain if I didn't see my MM I could be done. It's a true addiction. And I know mine tells his BS it's over. But it has never been over. I hope your husband quits for your sake. I know my affair won't end until one of us leaves the job. Close proximity is the kryptonite to an affair. Good luck...

 

 

 

Thank you for being honest.

[road]

In your own relationship this might be true...but I find it really interesting that people who never cheated know all about how a cheater feels and How their brain chemistry works.

 

Funny.., I never once tried to contact the ap not one single time...I did not need some kind of high or alcoholic addiction.

 

I am not saying I did things the right way but for heavens sake ..the op is smart enough to figure out what she can or cannot tolerate.

 

I would be interested.. how many people do you know personally this has happened to or are we just projecting the stuff we read on forums...

 

I don't know anybody this has happened to in real life...

 

A job is never more important than a marital relationship... tell that to the millions of people who choose their jobs over the best interests of their families on a daily basis... without infidelity.

 

I will repeat what is your right answer is not always the right answer for everybody else.

 

While I do believe it would have been best had I quit school... we made it through regardless.

 

What you did in regards to NC is just that. It is what you did and it worked for you. Though for most people seeing the AP after the affair ended caused the affair to restart.

 

 

This is why for many WS and their BS need to move far away from the where the affair to place to prevent it from restarting. Specially in a small enough town where the AP's keep crossing their path, whether on the way to work, shopping, kids schooling, scouts, youth sports and lets not leave out when the AP lives next door or very close.

 

 

Then we cannot leave out all the triggers caused from passing by all the places were the affair took place that the WS and the BS will get.

[LifesontheUp]

I am a the single other woman in an affair with a MM who is also a coworker. It has been going on for two years. Not proud of this at all by the way I know this is the infidelity forum. I rarely post but this one stood out to me. His BW has found out about our affair four times. 4 DDays. My MM makes a very high salary and I do as well. Neither of us want to leave the job. He has told his BS every time she catches us That him and I are over. All lies. We spend most of the day working side by side, and have lunch every day. I have 'broken up' with him several times but once we see each other Mondays at work BOOM it's back on. I always ask him why his wife lets him stay at the job. With me there. Spending all this time both during and after work with him. People here are right. It rarely stops if it's in such close proximity. I would tell your husband to find another job ASAP. I feel pretty certain if I didn't see my MM I could be done. It's a true addiction. And I know mine tells his BS it's over. But it has never been over. I hope your husband quits for your sake. I know my affair won't end until one of us leaves the job. Close proximity is the kryptonite to an affair. Good luck...

 

And in those circumstances if one of you left there is NO guarantee that the affair would end then either.

 

If the WS wants to end it, then they will end it. No matter whether the OM/OW is close by or not.

 

There is no size fits all.

[wmacbride]

And in those circumstances if one of you left there is NO guarantee that the affair would end then either.

 

If the WS wants to end it, then they will end it. No matter whether the OM/OW is close by or not.

 

There is no size fits all.

 

This makes a lot of sense.

 

Wat's the point of staying with a ws if the only reason they don't start the A up again is that the ow/om is no longer there every day?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am a the single other woman in an affair with a MM who is also a coworker. It has been going on for two years. Not proud of this at all by the way I know this is the infidelity forum. I rarely post but this one stood out to me. His BW has found out about our affair four times. 4 DDays. My MM makes a very high salary and I do as well. Neither of us want to leave the job. He has told his BS every time she catches us That him and I are over. All lies. We spend most of the day working side by side, and have lunch every day. I have 'broken up' with him several times but once we see each other Mondays at work BOOM it's back on. I always ask him why his wife lets him stay at the job. With me there. Spending all this time both during and after work with him. People here are right. It rarely stops if it's in such close proximity. I would tell your husband to find another job ASAP. I feel pretty certain if I didn't see my MM I could be done. It's a true addiction. And I know mine tells his BS it's over. But it has never been over. I hope your husband quits for your sake. I know my affair won't end until one of us leaves the job. Close proximity is the kryptonite to an affair. Good luck...

 

On the other hand, mine never did restart after it ended and we were together for an entire year. However he did lie to his wife and try to restart it, it was me who would not. It is true what everyone else is saying though, the WS needs to have NC to get out of the fog and feel better.

[katielee]

This makes a lot of sense.

 

Wat's the point of staying with a ws if the only reason they don't start the A up again is that the ow/om is no longer there every day?

 

Because they need to get out of the fog to see how stupid they're being. And they can't do that with constant contact.