[wayward husband remaining at] the Job after an Affair?

[LifesontheUp]

Because they need to get out of the fog to see how stupid they're being. And they can't do that with constant contact.

 

This worries me - the fog business. If when found out they do not see the damage they've done and go NC then sorry but I would be a very worried BS. That means they are in deeper than you think - indeed have strong feelings and they are not worried they'll lose their marraige - after all they didn't worry about that when they started the affair.

 

I think the fog is an excuse and continual abuse of the betrayed.

 

To add - its cake eating and totally selfish.its not a fog just entitlement syndrome

Edited December 17, 2016 by LifesontheUp

[Mrs. John Adams]

There comes a time when you either choose to believe the wayward or you don't.

 

If you live in a constant state of fear that they will cheat again....it cannot be healthy for either of you.

 

SO I think you have to TRUST with caution.

 

John trusted me to some degree...however...I would never again take him totally by surprise. He changed...he set up self protection in case i ever did do it again.

 

It a person wants to cheat ...they will cheat. Regardless if they have everyday contact with an old AP or meet a new one.

 

While I do believe the Betrayed spouse needs certain boundaries to help them heal and rebuild their lives...they cannot "watch" a wayward 24/7....so there has to be an element of trust.

[road]

This worries me - the fog business. If when found out they do not see the damage they've done and go NC then sorry but I would be a very worried BS. That means they are in deeper than you think - indeed have strong feelings and they are not worried they'll lose their marraige - after all they didn't worry about that when they started the affair.

 

I think the fog is an excuse and continual abuse of the betrayed.

 

 

 

You fail to see that affairs are addictive.

 

 

Second, you fail to see that most WS's are not only addicted to their AP but they had no intention to leave their BS because the are cake eaters. As in to be able to eat their cake and yet still have it on their plate. They are happy with their home life and with their side piece life. They are getting the best of both worlds. Like getting not only a never ending supply of cake but ice cream on top as well.

 

 

As with any drug addict they know what they are doing is wrong yet they refuse to give up their high.

[LifesontheUp]

You fail to see that affairs are addictive.

 

 

Second, you fail to see that most WS's are not only addicted to their AP but they had no intention to leave their BS because the are cake eaters. As in to be able to eat their cake and yet still have it on their plate. They are happy with their home life and with their side piece life. They are getting the best of both worlds. Like getting not only a never ending supply of cake but ice cream on top as well.

 

 

As with any drug addict they know what they are doing is wrong yet they refuse to give up their high.

 

I have a different view. Just like nicotine addiction - if it means they are told to quit or lose a leg there are those that quit and those that don't. The ones who quit care and those that don't couldn't careless to help themselves.

 

Its the same for the affair. There are those that go NC when they see the devastation on their betrayed and there are those that continue as they don't care to cut their selfish cake eating

 

Ive worked with drug addiicts who quit when they saw the effect on family.

 

Back to original post - yes people can work with AP after finishing affair. It depends on the people involved.

Edited December 17, 2016 by LifesontheUp

[Mrs. John Adams]

You fail to see that affairs are addictive.

 

 

Second, you fail to see that most WS's are not only addicted to their AP but they had no intention to leave their BS because the are cake eaters. As in to be able to eat their cake and yet still have it on their plate. They are happy with their home life and with their side piece life. They are getting the best of both worlds. Like getting not only a never ending supply of cake but ice cream on top as well.

 

 

As with any drug addict they know what they are doing is wrong yet they refuse to give up their high.

 

affairs are only addictive to people who have an addiction problem. Not everyone is addicted to affairs....just like not everyone is addicted to drugs or alcohol.

 

Some people are addicted....but not all people are addicted. I have never been addicted to anything...well except maybe for food.

[katielee]

The chemical addiction of infatuation and limerance is well documented.

It triggers the same portion of the brain that cocaine does.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The chemical addiction of infatuation and limerance is well documented.

It triggers the same portion of the brain that cocaine does.

 

for some people...yes i believe it. I was not addicted to cheating....my husband was not addicted to cheating.

[katielee]

I wasn't addicted to cheating either, I was addicted to the high of the new relationship. That's why ppl don't stop the minute the relationship steps into affair territory. The ego validation, strokes, etc become addicting. They continually want that "hit."

Working together allows the WS to get their fix when they see the AP. It can happen even after the affair ends because the human brain associates that particular human with good feelings.

Not all the time but most if the time, according to what I've read , what therapists have told me and my own experience.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I wasn't addicted to cheating either, I was addicted to the high of the new relationship. That's why ppl don't stop the minute the relationship steps into affair territory. The ego validation, strokes, etc become addicting. They continually want that "hit."

Working together allows the WS to get their fix when they see the AP. It can happen even after the affair ends because the human brain associates that particular human with good feelings.

Not all the time but most if the time, according to what I've read , what therapists have told me and my own experience.

 

Yes I believe that happens to some people. Especially those who get away with it and are not held accountable whether it is self accountability or spouse accountability.

 

I do believe it is possible to maintain self accountability after an affair because I did it.

 

So did you... so here we both are on this thread .. both of us had a one time affair ... confessed and have maintained self accountability.

 

And even while I was still in school with the ap present. My point is and has been that it is possible and it is something the couple has to decide for themselves.

 

And no one can predict the outcome either way... all we can do is hope for the best.

 

There are some things in this ops story that bother me a bit ... I really wish he had confessed to her two years ago... and I don't understand why he did that.

 

On the other hand I do think in her statements .. I hear sincerity on his behalf.

 

I simply don't feel comfortable telling her how to handle it... and in her opening statement she asked if there were others who did continue to work with the ap.

 

There are a few of us here... yourself included... that do have the experience she is asking for. All we can do is tell her how it turned out for us... or if we have regrets about the way we dealt with it.

 

I should have quit school... not because it turned out badly but because I hurt my husband by continuing in school.

[road]

affairs are only addictive to people who have an addiction problem. Not everyone is addicted to affairs....just like not everyone is addicted to drugs or alcohol.

 

Some people are addicted....but not all people are addicted. I have never been addicted to anything...well except maybe for food.

 

The chemical addiction of infatuation and limerance is well documented.

It triggers the same portion of the brain that cocaine does.

 

for some people...yes i believe it. I was not addicted to cheating....my husband was not addicted to cheating.

 

You cite what worked for you.

 

 

I cite what has happened to many others.

 

 

Because you were able to break clean easily from your AP does not mean that most WS can and do.

[road]

Yes I believe that happens to some people. Especially those who get away with it and are not held accountable whether it is self accountability or spouse accountability.

 

I do believe it is possible to maintain self accountability after an affair because I did it.

 

So did you... so here we both are on this thread .. both of us had a one time affair ... confessed and have maintained self accountability.

 

And even while I was still in school with the ap present. My point is and has been that it is possible and it is something the couple has to decide for themselves.

 

And no one can predict the outcome either way... all we can do is hope for the best.

 

There are some things in this ops story that bother me a bit ... I really wish he had confessed to her two years ago... and I don't understand why he did that.

 

On the other hand I do think in her statements .. I hear sincerity on his behalf.

 

I simply don't feel comfortable telling her how to handle it... and in her opening statement she asked if there were others who did continue to work with the ap.

 

There are a few of us here... yourself included... that do have the experience she is asking for. All we can do is tell her how it turned out for us... or if we have regrets about the way we dealt with it.

 

I should have quit school... not because it turned out badly but because I hurt my husband by continuing in school.

 

Again because you were able to go cold turkey and others have done the same does not mean that most WS's do and or can quit their AP at the drop of a hat. You continue to confuse that you had done it so it must be that way for most.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Again because you were able to go cold turkey and others have done the same does not mean that most WS's do and or can quit their AP at the drop of a hat. You continue to confuse that you had done it so it must be that way for most.

 

Road not one single time did I say that everyone is is like me... I said some are and some aren't.

 

The problem with making generalities and lumping everybody in the same categories is ... we are all different. And what works for one does not work for all.

 

You simply answer the ops question... has anyone else had the experience of your wayward spouse continuing to work with the ap? Yes I have had the experience... and it turned out ok.. but there is the possibility it's not the right answer for everybody.

 

It's quite simple instead of being all doomsday and destruction. Yes sometimes it doesn't work out and sometimes it does.

 

Weigh your possibilities and figure out the right answer for your own situation....

[understand50]

Road, Abigail is right, each circumstance is right, each couple is unique, and everyone is different. Deeplyhurt, will need to see, if see can accept what her husband is proposing. It is not ideal, but it may be the best that can be done. From what she has written, he is doing all he can, short of quitting his job. Looks like the job is a high paying one, and those are not aside lightly. We do have a "game" book here, but it must be flexible. I am of the opinion, that reconciliation works when the WS works hard, and by their actions, to prove that they will not stray again, and that the BS works to overcome their fears, and accept the hard work of the WS. This is assuming the WS is doing all that the situation allows. I am for what works, as defined by the BS.

 

As for giving up the AP. If you read Mrs J.A. story, you would know it was a one time thing instantly regretted, and she then confessed to John. In my G/F case, she spent the night with her AP, and then called me in the morning to get me to visit, so she could confess. We have others, where the cheating was a ONS. In these cases, the cheating, was more along the line of a thrill, and done at a moment of weakness. (This my sense for my wife). "giving" up the AP, is not an issue. Facing the consequences, and confessing to your spouse, boy friend, was the large issue. Think of the courage to do that.

 

We have stories of affair going on for sometime, where the "affair couple" commit, and start planing some type of life, or where the affair fills some type of need for the WS. We have examples, where the affair become the exit, and the affair couple, marry. I would say in this situation that space is needed by the WS, from the AP if any type or reconciliation can be had, but I will also state that sometimes this is not passable as well, and makes for much hard work on both side to overcome.

 

In deelyhurt's case, her husband is working to try and fix. The fact of her past infidelity, adds to the mix, but in no way excuses his conduct, nor does it give him a pass. She is going to have to decide, what works for her, from divorce, to accepting that safeguards he had put in place. My advise to her is that she give it a chance and see whats happens. She is not a fragile as we and herself supposes. Sometimes, we forget that the BS has reserves of strength and love to draw upon. I would like to point out, that reconciliation can be successful, depending on the strength of the BS and to a lesser extent, the WS. In that they are willing and able to set upon the path that they choose, be it divorce, or reconciliation. Each choice is not for the faint of heart.

 

On loveshack, we have the privilege, of hearing from many people, their deep private stories. Some are asking for help, some trying to understand and others share to try and help. Some are doing all three at the same time. Each story is different, and some have somethings in common. Out of all this, a BS, or WS can take what they need to decide what they want to do to try and repair their life, or marriage, or decide to divorce. My story is what it as, as is Mr & Mrs Adams, merrmeade, aliveagain, cocorico, ShatteredLady, and too many more to list. Each has there own situation to overcome, or keep going, and we should look at each story as a success, as a reaffirmation, that life can get better and will in time, be it the marriage ended, or went on.

 

My two cents.......

[wmacbride]

Because they need to get out of the fog to see how stupid they're being. And they can't do that with constant contact.

 

 

I understand where you are coming from,and I don't disagree.The issue I see is that if a ws wants to contact their ow/om,they will find a way. Feeling like a ws changing jobs will end an A or keep contact form happening can provide a bs with a false sense of security. However, I can see it being helpful as part of an overall reconciliation plan.

[wmacbride]

You fail to see that affairs are addictive.

 

 

Second, you fail to see that most WS's are not only addicted to their AP but they had no intention to leave their BS because the are cake eaters. As in to be able to eat their cake and yet still have it on their plate. They are happy with their home life and with their side piece life. They are getting the best of both worlds. Like getting not only a never ending supply of cake but ice cream on top as well.

 

 

As with any drug addict they know what they are doing is wrong yet they refuse to give up their high.

 

Again,while I can completely understand this point of view and feel it has merit, if a person wants to cheat,they will find a way.

 

Using the addiction model, consider the following example.A heroin addict won't stop using simply because the drug has been removed form their house. If they want it badly enough, they will simply go out and find another way to get it. They will lie, steal and harm others to get their fix.

 

Personally,I think viewing affairs as an addiction is a cop out. It may be comforting to a bs and provide a great excuse for a ws, but it removes the element of personal choice and control over one's actions.personally,i don;t want my spouse to remain faithful simply because he has no other options.I want him to be faithful because he wants to.

 

As I said in a previous post,changing jobs can be helpful but it can;t be counted on by itself to end an affair or somehow change the thought patterns and behaviors of a ws.

[wmacbride]

op,

for what it's worth,my husband worked with his ow for sometime after the A. In his job,you simply can't ask for an immediate transfer,quit your job or anything like that. You are where you are,though you know that it won't be long before you have to move anyway.

 

My h's ex-ow was not exactly a stable individual,and in a weird way,being around her every day and seeing how she acted made him realize how much of a bullet he dodged.

 

Again, this is just my own situation,and what worked for us may not be right for others. It all depends on their individual circumstances.

[Deeplyhurt30]

i think there is some really good points here.i agree that if a person wants to cheat they will find a way of doing so regardless of where they work or who they work with. Its just a sad thing but a very true fact. I think that is why I am trying harder to take certain things into consideration.

 

i think in the end there are two types of people--those who learn from mistakes they make, and those who choose to make it a personality trait. For me, it was something I learned from and know within myself that regardless of whether I stayed with my husband or chose to live life on a different path-that having an affair and betraying someone is not something I would ever choose to do ever again.

 

In my husbands situation, I believe (I like to believe) that he is the same as me. i think that is what makes some things a little easier than others.

 

I think I am going to try and see how things go for a little while. As of right now he has a new guy starting in the morning and also he has removed her access to the area of his office (also putting a camera into this area as well) he manages the security surveillance system so he is also able to access footage if i were to question him about certain events. transparency is also being cooperated as far as phone, email, and gps.