Am I right or just plain insecure?

[fastjack]

Good day fellas, I just want to voice out my situation right now. Here it goes:

 

The Background:

My girlfriend and I, have almost 1 year of solid relationship. I can tell that we're both happy and comfortable with each other and to be honest, I see myself with her growing old, having kids etc. About 3 months ago, she decided to move to the middle east with her mom who lives there. After 2 months, I decided to move there as well to look for work and of course, not to be too far away from her. (I hate LDR). We both came from the PH.

 

The Situation:

She went to Armenia for a tour, around 3 hours away from our city via plane. I was happy for her because although she's with a female companion, it's technically her first time to travel on her own.

 

I was worried because she doesn't have a roaming mobile and they just relied on their hotel's wifi service. One night, she messaged me around 11pm and told me that they're at the park, skating. Then I waited for them to get home and got really worried when I realized that it's almost 4 in the morning and I still haven't received any message yet.

 

Around 5am, I received a message and she was so sorry that she forgot to message me right away. I got really mad at her and asked her what they did. At first, she told me they did ice skating but then eventually told me that they went out drinking in a pub, met few people (3 women and 2 guys) with the same nationality as ours but she guaranteed that nothing ever happened and they just drank.

 

We fought the whole day because I felt betrayed and she was really sorry so I gave her a chance.

 

We were a little bit okay, although she guaranteed that she doesn't flirt with anyone else, I feel paranoid all the time, asking where they are, to send me photos and all, etc.

 

She's still outside the country and just last night, we had a huge fight again. Apparently, I saw that she followed a "random local guy" on her IG and that guy is also following her as well. In the profile of the guy, he posted a photo with his buddies on the same day where my girlfriend and her companion went. I snapped and confronted her right away and again, we fought. She told me that they dropped by the bar but went to another place. She told me that the guy just followed her on IG and she just followed back.

 

During the fight, she told me that I am becoming to paranoid and she needs a room to breathe. Currently, they are out somewhere drinking. She's not yet online as well. And yes, I can't sleep knowing that they're not at their hotel yet.

 

My question is, am I becoming to possessive and do I worry too much? Do I have trust issues? I know I wasn't like this before. What should I do?

[eightytwenty]

Yes wayyy too much..

 

First time travel and she's having fun. She met a few people at a bar, that's not a big deal. She forgot to message you one time, and you flip?

[frus69]

You were not like this before so what happened that made you like this now?

[fastjack]

You were not like this before so what happened that made you like this now?

 

When she told me they went ice skating til 5am but in reality, they went drinking and met other people. She denied it at first but then eventually gave the real answer.

[LargoLagg]

It's very normal to feel threatened by your GF having fun without you, especially when what you described first happens. Ordinarily, you are completely wrong to jump to the conclusions that your jealousy implies their first time she's out with friends until all hours of the night.

 

But eventually, she's going to prove you right.

 

Here's a little secret. You don't own her. You moved to the ME, and that was a risk. It probably won't pay off. Still, you don't own her.

 

So, now what you need to do is assess the situation with a cold eye. Write it down, all the facts, even the parts that you think and then next to each, write down if it is true, untrue or undetermined.

 

Given that list, what would you tell a friend to do? Whatever that is, do that.

[usa1ah]

So she is lying to you.

 

Stop waiting for her. Don't answer her calls or text.

 

Stop acting like a lost puppy. She lied and now you don't trust her any more.

 

Man up and show some strength and turn your back on her. Do The 180 on her.

 

Just arguing and fighting over the phone puts you in a weak position.

 

Go out yourself have some fun. Do not call her. What until she comes home.

 

But honestly, do you really want to be with someone that is going to lie over something like this. If all she did was drink at the bar, why lie about it.

 

Time to fine another girl.

[LD1990]

It ain't looking good, that's for sure.

 

She's trickle truthing you. First she tells you she was just skating. Then when you press her and she realizes no one skates from 11 to 5 in the morning, she reveals a bit more - she was out drinking with a group of three girls and two guys. Yeah, right. A group of five decided they wanted to talk to your girlfriend and her friend. I guarantee it was two guys coming over to flirt.

 

And isn't it interesting how she can't get online away from her hotel...but she's still able to follow guys she meets on IG?

 

She lied to you about the skating, so clearly she has no problem lying to you. Right now she's out partying with guys, and you're just the annoying boyfriend back home. You have to decide if you're okay with her lying to you and acting this way. If not, I'd recommend you end it.

[frus69]

When she told me they went ice skating til 5am but in reality, they went drinking and met other people. She denied it at first but then eventually gave the real answer.

 

She lied To you but blame you for not letting it go and not giving her space

Sorry dude she's crushing on this new IG guy

[fastjack]

Is checking her phone an immature thing to do?

[Sparta]

First of all stop accusing her... even if it kills you. now you're giving her perfect excuse to justify her bad choices. If she was thinking about getting together with someone she's going to now because of how you treated her. seriously dude if you have to worry her BS excuses out right lies to you that's what's killing you. She's not the one for you dude you have to understand get away from this girl she's not for you her actions have told you this not her words and her actions.

[LD1990]

Is checking her phone an immature thing to do?

 

You aren't seeing the forest for the trees here.

 

No, it's not immature, but it doesn't solve your problem. She lied to you and you can't trust her. What good does checking her phone do? At best, if she's too stupid to cover her tracks, you get confirmation of what you already know - she's not to be trusted. If she did cover her tracks, you're back to square one.

 

Stay with her and you either have to bury your head in the sand regarding the fact that she's a liar, or spend your whole life checking up on her.

[Space Ritual]

Dude,

 

All of this back and forth between you two s pointless. The relationship is over.

 

She is now not being honest with you, and you are showing a thin skin.

 

Neither are good.

 

It

Is

OVER.

 

Sorry dude, fins another chick.

[basil67]

I suspect that if she'd told you the truth - that she went skating and then went to a bar, you would have flipped anyway. You were already angry simply because she forgot to message you.

It's unreasonable and controlling of you to expect her to check in when she gets home of an evening.

 

She messages you to apologise for not messaging earlier. You get mad straight away. She hadn't lied at this point, but you're already fuming. Which part of your behaviour would make her comfortable in being honest right then? I too, would probably lie just to save the effort of further arguing.

 

That said, if I chose to lie because I couldn't be bothered dealing with your temper and control issues, then I'd be better off ending it.

 

This is your own doing.

[fastjack]

I suspect that if she'd told you the truth - that she went skating and then went to a bar, you would have flipped anyway. You were already angry simply because she forgot to message you.

It's unreasonable and controlling of you to expect her to check in when she gets home of an evening.

 

She messages you to apologise for not messaging earlier. You get mad straight away. She hadn't lied at this point, but you're already fuming. Which part of your behaviour would make her comfortable in being honest right then? I too, would probably lie just to save the effort of further arguing.

 

That said, if I chose to lie because I couldn't be bothered dealing with your temper and control issues, then I'd be better off ending it.

 

This is your own doing.

 

Thanks.. I get your point.

[fastjack]

Is it also possible that maybe she was telling the truth about those people that they met and she was just scared of telling me because I might went ballistic?

 

I'm starting to realize that I'm also part of the problem here. Maybe i'm too controlling and that she just really want to enjoy life and I made scenarios in my head that destroyed her image to me. And yes, paranoia got me.

 

Right now, she wants to have space and just be on her own for the mean time. She just needs to think about life. Not breaking up, just a little bit room to breath, then we'll talk when she gets back. To be honest, she's not doing so well right now just a while ago she said she's feeling sick, her visa has not beet processed and they're running out of funds in a foreign land. ( too much info I know, but for us folks in the PH, we need the entry visa to go to this country).

 

This morning, I called the hotel to check on them. She got mad why I did that and told me that she can't handle this for the mean time and there are too many things running in her head.

 

Suddenly I realized something. Maybe she just needed that breathing space. Maybe I was way too focused on her and i'm actually the one trying to manipulate her on everything.

 

I will update you guys what will happen next. Thanks for all the replies.

[fastjack]

Why Worrying About Your Partner Cheating Is Pointless ? Rachael Lay

 

This is a good read. I was able to identify some of my faults. Maybe I got really affected and I feel depressed and insecure that I injected negativity in our relationship.Before she left, I spent 2 weeks in an almost prison-like situation in a border city in the middle east and that maybe had an effect on how I see things. I craved for her attention and it was too much for her to handle. I even ask her all the time to send me photos of where they are, what they eat and so on and so forth.

 

I will try to work on with my issues during hour hiatus. We didn't break but I gave her the space she needs. Maybe I need this one too.

 

Thank you for all your replies. And I hope you guys have a wonderful and cheerful life ahead of you.

[Try]

My girlfriend and I, have almost 1 year of solid relationship. I can tell that we're both happy and comfortable with each other and to be honest, I see myself with her growing old, having kids etc. About 3 months ago, she decided to move to the middle east with her mom who lives there. After 2 months, I decided to move there as well to look for work and of course, not to be too far away from her.

She "decided to move to the middle east with her mom" without coordinating it with you. This is not what someone that wants to grow old with you does.

 

Around 5am, I received a message and she was so sorry that she forgot to message me right away. I got really mad at her and asked her what they did. At first, she told me they did ice skating but then eventually told me that they went out drinking in a pub, met few people (3 women and 2 guys) with the same nationality as ours but she guaranteed that nothing ever happened and they just drank.

 

I saw that she followed a "random local guy" on her IG and that guy is also following her as well. In the profile of the guy, he posted a photo with his buddies on the same day where my girlfriend and her companion went. I snapped and confronted her right away and again, we fought. She told me that they dropped by the bar but went to another place. She told me that the guy just followed her on IG and she just followed back.

 

During the fight, she told me that I am becoming to paranoid and she needs a room to breathe. Currently, they are out somewhere drinking. She's not yet online as well. And yes, I can't sleep knowing that they're not at their hotel yet.

She went to a bar with other singles, came home at 5:00 am, lied to you about where she was ("ice skating"), and is now interacting with one of the guys from the bar. Her telling you that she needs "room to breathe", is her giving herself the option of dating other men during the trip without her considering it cheating since she can now say that you were on a break.

 

Her actions show that you are far more into her than she is to you. Although you consider her someone to grow old with, she considers you someone that she dated for a year. Do you understand this?

[Try]

Why Worrying About Your Partner Cheating Is Pointless ? Rachael Lay

 

This is a good read. I was able to identify some of my faults.

The end of the article warned "All of this is not to say that you should be ignorant of any intuition or signs of infidelity.

 

If you have a feeling things have gone astray, or there are obvious signs that your partner’s focus may have shifted, then you should trust your own intuition and be willing to address your concerns."

 

It went on to say "Open, mature conversation about boundaries and expectations is the only way to really approach the fear of being cheated on and a much more promising way to build a lifetime of love."

 

At this point she is operating without normal couple relationship boundaries. In most couple relationship boundaries, you do not get to lie about going to bars with other men until 5:00 am in the morning, much less go to bars with other men until 5:00 am in the morning. Her wanting room to breathe sounds like she may want the boundaries of a single person. See what she does when you try to have an "Open, mature conversation about boundaries and expectations" like what was recommended by the author that you quoted. If she is unwilling to have such a conversation, you will know for sure where you really stand.

[pteromom]

She is trying to have a fun vacation. You are keeping her on a leash while she does it.

 

Your best option is to let her have her fun.

 

She'll either cheat - or she won't. I don't know her character - but you do. Is she someone who is sneaky and who lies and who weasels her way into getting what she wants? Or is she someone who does what she says and knows who she is?

 

You know those answers better than we do.

 

But I wouldn't worry about her lying about the ice skating. She was out having fun with friends, and the last thing she wanted to deal with was having an argument with "Dad" - I mean you - about her choice of fun.

 

Don't act like a dad. Trust her and move forward.

[Try]

But I wouldn't worry about her lying about the ice skating. She was out having fun with friends, and the last thing she wanted to deal with was having an argument with "Dad" - I mean you - about her choice of fun.

 

Don't act like a dad. Trust her and move forward.

You have made it clear that you think that it is OK for her lie about going to bars with other men until 5:00 am in the morning as long as she is having fun, but are you against the OP having an "Open, mature conversation about boundaries and expectations"? Edited December 14, 2016 by Try

[Poutrew]

 

Right now, she wants to have space and just be on her own for the mean time. She just needs to think about life. Not breaking up, just a little bit room to breath, then we'll talk when she gets back. To be honest, she's not doing so well right now just a while ago she said she's feeling sick, her visa has not beet processed and they're running out of funds in a foreign land. ( too much info I know, but for us folks in the PH, we need the entry visa to go to this country).

 

 

She wants space from you , but what are you going to do when she contacts you begging for money to live on while her visa problems get worked out? I would 180 this girl and ignore her messages from this point on. She is having fun with other men and lying to you and starting to resent you for throwing a cold blanket on her activities by forcing her to lie. Ignore this girl and for god's sake, if she starts begging for money, let the men she is with over there take care of her... find a woman who values you and actually wants to be with you. Good luck.

[Superchicken]

And now my 2 cents !.

I think like some others here, that she's investigating her horizons.

This of course is the right thing to do for anyone.

However, in a relationship, and in your situation, its not good.

Too many things she's saying isn't adding up.

Bottom line, respect plays both ways.

Knowing that you are, what your are, she should have thought twice about the company she kept during those bar trips.

You may have over reacted, but everyone is different. Telling you that you have, wont change the fact that you will again, overreact.

But, have a little control, dignity, and show her the same concern, and devotion she's shown you. I believe there should be enough "Peanuts" to fill your pockets !.

Go enjoy yourself for a change, and not worry about her.

Let HER phone you next. This will be the test to solidify your thoughts about the "Care" factor towards you.

If you get no calls, then, hit the bars with your friends !.

 

 

Ted.